Intimacy: Today, things were getting heated with my boyfriend and I told...

By Anonymous - 04/03/2012 07:07 - United States

Today, things were getting heated with my boyfriend and I told him that I was finally ready to lose my virginity. Clearly he couldn't wait to get started because he fell asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 693

You deserved it 4 216

Intimacy

Best teeth in the game

Leave us alone

Creepy

By MBG - 05/06/2009 07:43 - Australia

Today, I had the closing shift at work in a cafe and there was a man and lady left. I made them coffee and started to close up. When the lady finished her coffee she grabbed my arm and said 'I think that man is masturbating' and leaves in a hurry. I had to wait for him to finish before closing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 437

You deserved it 4 298

By Mondo - 20/11/2009 00:41 - United States

Today, an old lady on the street told me that I should be wearing a bra because my nipples were visible under my white tee. I am a 37-year-old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 989

You deserved it 5 948

By beyondembarrassed - 05/05/2013 05:44 - United States

Today, I tried to show my boyfriend's mom a picture of my prom dress on my phone. She scrolled to the right to find a picture of her son, naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 135

You deserved it 78 783

By Anonymous - 30/03/2009 00:39 - United States

Today, I developed the disposable camera pictures from my family's trip to Disney World. I noticed that in the pictures I took of them in front of the big castle at Magic Kingdom, my wife and son were standing a few feet away from a man who was touching himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 384

You deserved it 4 025

By Henji - 10/12/2009 22:21 - United States

Today, I gave a girl I like a $200 diamond necklace to express how much she means to me. She gave me a hug and told me she didn't want to lose me as a friend. Nor did she want to lose her new necklace. Today, I got a $200 hug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 950

You deserved it 41 285

By spasti-cunt - 17/05/2014 20:51 - Ireland

Today, I was on my way to my first job interview in months. I wasn't even halfway to the place when a bunch of cockbites in a car drove past and hurled a bucket of paint out the window, drenching me and several other people on the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 309

You deserved it 3 893

By Anonymous - 22/07/2015 01:35 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my brother told me to, "Stop bitching and get over it" after I complained of pain from my stomach after invasive surgery. This from the guy who spends multiple hours a day playing Halo and whining about the stupid ways he got killed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 730

You deserved it 2 056

Never in the buff

By ShyVirgin - 19/06/2021 05:01 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, a staff member entered my room, thinking it was empty. I was naked. This is the second time something like this has happened in the week I have lived here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 764

You deserved it 91

Startled

By not a cheater - 04/07/2021 15:01 - United States

Today, I was writing in a journal as part of my therapy. I jumped and hid it when my boyfriend startled me by coming in. He now swears I must be cheating, that I’m keeping secrets from him and I trust a stranger with my personal thoughts more than I trust him. That’s kinda the point of therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 053

You deserved it 169

By lindsaykay - 18/04/2012 00:07 - United States

Today, I had to put one of my preschool students in timeout for masturbating during nap time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 045

You deserved it 4 091

By Dlord357 - 07/11/2011 14:24 - United States

Today, I had to deliver pizza to a nudist colony. I got an eyeful of more than I needed to see. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 987

You deserved it 3 990

By baconbxtch - 22/08/2013 02:45 - United States - Orlando

Today, I got rejected for a job because they claimed I faked my entire resume. Their excuse? I'm too pretty to be smart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 915

You deserved it 4 701

By Anonymous - 23/09/2009 12:08 - Australia

Today, my husband blew all the candles on his birthday cake while I was taking a photo in front of him. I will probably never use cocoa powder to decorate a birthday cake anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 885

You deserved it 39 387

By Noname - 15/02/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, I was at a fraternity party, and one of the hosts said over the loudspeaker "turn to the person next to you and picture them naked, then drink a beer if the mental image disturbs you". I turned, only to be face-to-face with my ex-boyfriend. He drank two beers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 283

You deserved it 5 610

Creepy

By lilmatchgirl - 04/05/2021 00:59 - United States - Godley

Today, during a Zoom meeting, my 6 year-old daughter comes into my office, bloody all over, acting like nothing's wrong. She looks me dead in the eye and says, "Matilda's dead," and just walks out. Matilda is the neighbor's chicken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 321

You deserved it 120

By lonelyguy - 28/11/2009 03:02 - Puerto Rico

Today, I invited my crush to come and spend thanksgiving dinner with me and my family, she agreed but asked me if she could bring her friend. Turns out her "friend" was actually her boyfriend and they drank all the expensive wine I bought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 761

You deserved it 8 030

By Steve - 24/02/2011 19:32 - United States

Today, I put aftershave on my fingers to encourage myself to stop biting my nails. I absentmindedly rubbed my eye a few minutes later. It burnt like hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 653

You deserved it 36 144

By Sickofbeingsick - 01/10/2011 05:17 - United States

Today, after a week of staying in at night and fighting off a persistent cold, I was finally feeling well again, so I decided to go to my boyfriend's work BBQ. I got food poisoning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 793

You deserved it 2 824

By tammy999 - 31/01/2010 06:44 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend bumped into me at McDonald's. I was sitting alone at a table with a big mac, two large fries, a large drink and 1 case of chicken nuggets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 864

You deserved it 37 176

By SarahAnne - 13/08/2019 22:00

Today, I confessed to my boyfriend that I think I'm average looking. He told me that it was OK, unless he wakes up tomorrow with some standards, I'm good enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 724

You deserved it 408

By Chelsea - 20/07/2009 05:54 - United States

Today, during some previews before the new Harry Potter movie, a guy stood up and led the audience in an enthusiastic and rather successful chant "H-A-R-R-Y!". Minutes later when I attempted to do the same thing, I was pelted with half-full bags of popcorn, freezing sodas, and booing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 183

You deserved it 85 052

By StillnothowIimaginedmydaygoing - 14/10/2015 16:22 - United States - Radcliff

Today, my boyfriend found out that male goats will stick their tongues out, snort, and garble at female goats in heat. Now he's doing it to me at all manner of times, sound effects and all. I now know why goats ram their heads into things repeatedly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 113

You deserved it 2 297

By EmberLove - 17/01/2013 14:06 - United States

Today, my current boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend got into a fight about when my birthday is. They were both wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 361

You deserved it 5 621

By Anonymous - 21/09/2011 12:38 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend started to plan our wedding. We've been going out for 3 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 465

You deserved it 5 422

By Anonymous - 25/12/2011 20:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I attended my extended family's Christmas dinner. All throughout, my grandmother kept complaining about how the food tasted like crap, and making sexual remarks such as how "the stuffings were far better in my day, if you know what I mean." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 057

You deserved it 2 866

By Topher - 25/08/2011 10:16 - United States

Today, I got tipped more than I have in my bank account. It was $5. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 947

You deserved it 6 169

Stay safe out there

By Anonymous - 20/02/2021 18:30 - United States - Bronx

Today, for the third time in less than a week, my dumbass roommate has a bunch of friends over. None of them are wearing masks and I don't feel comfortable leaving my room. I'm fucking starving and can't go to the kitchen to get food. The idiot is a fucking nursing major. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 245

You deserved it 371

By Entheatus - 10/08/2009 04:25 - Canada

Today, I polished off the delicious iced gingerbread cookies in the pantry. I'd assumed the little flecks on them were speckles of broken icing, but as I went to throw the cookie bag away, a larva crawled out. The hundreds of flecks were moth eggs. I've been eating the cookies for three days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 445

You deserved it 21 990

By Anonymous - 11/02/2018 15:00

Today, I spent a nice night with the guy I’ve been madly crushing on for the past year. When he went to the bathroom and left his phone unlocked, I looked at his photo album and saw photos of my house, my room, me sleeping, and my naked body. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 659

You deserved it 1 238

By ishyboo - 27/02/2016 22:59 - United States - Baraboo

Today, I let my estranged husband move back in with my son and me. Later, his pregnant and underage girlfriend knocked on my door, crying about how her mom kicked her out. I'm such a pushover, they're in my bed and I'm on the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 272

You deserved it 28 766

RIP, Moggie

By strangeprincess - 09/09/2019 16:00

Today, I had to put my cat to sleep after she was in an accident. While I was crying hysterically, the vet asked me for $230. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 782

You deserved it 274

There you go

By Anonymous - 04/07/2018 01:30

Today, our work computers are down so I've been trying to fix it via my home computer for 3 days. My 12-year-old son took one look at the screen, changed 2 settings on a drop down menu, and the problem was fixed. My 12-year-old is better at my job than I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 809

You deserved it 1 492

Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew!

By Anonymous - 15/08/2017 11:30 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I was writing an essay while sleep-deprived. In between actually writing, I started typing my thoughts. It was only after I’d submitted the essay that I realized that I hadn’t deleted the random words. My teacher can see my early-morning rambling about potatoes. I have no way to delete it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 353

You deserved it 1 518

By Anonymous - 17/02/2015 17:42

Today, I've been freezing in my office for days at work. When I finally complained about it to a coworker, she led me into my office, said, "Let me show you something," then pointed out the thermostat I'd never noticed was even there and turned it up with a pitying look. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 593

You deserved it 26 602

Negotiations

By Anonymous - 22/09/2020 17:01

Today, I had to tell my 28-year-old roommate she needs to wash her hands after using the bathroom. She then said she’d try, as long as I try to put my dishes in the dishwasher. Those aren’t even on the same level. FML

I agree, your life sucks 709

You deserved it 846

By IJustWantedCheez - 27/09/2016 17:37 - United States - San Antonio

Today, while on break from work, I went to the cafeteria and bought cheese cubes. One of my coworkers, who is usually very pleasant, asked to try some and I said yes. She ate all the cheddar cubes in the bowl, which are the only ones I like. I wasted $3 for someone else to eat my food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 950

You deserved it 3 010

By Kaz - 07/05/2011 06:40 - United States

Today, I snuck out to see my girlfriend in the middle of the night. When I got to her house, I decided to throw a rock at her window to wake her up. It broke a hole in the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 564

You deserved it 50 186

Nutty

By Anonymous - 30/11/2020 20:01 - Canada - Toronto

Today, i discovered I can only get an erection in the presence of a real woman. My days of busting nuts alone are over. Except I don't have a girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 240

By Anonymous - 05/11/2012 19:21 - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a blind date at a local restaurant. When my date walked in, she took one look at me, said "nope", and walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 424

You deserved it 2 775

By Baby Face - 16/01/2017 15:03

Today, I was at work refreshing the shelves when a man turned the corner and said, very surprised, "You look 12!" A few weeks back, two people did the same thing, only they said I looked 9. I'm almost 21 years old, and just very short. Starting to get just a little self conscious here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 584

You deserved it 461

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Top comments

Morgannnnuhhh 1

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Sunday 4 March 2012 16:42

Girlfriend: "babe, I love you and I'm ready to lose my virginity to you." Boyfriend: "aright let me take a nap first?" Op, that would reallllly boost my confidence. Maybe that is a sign he isn't the one to lose it to. Take the hint.

JenDanielle917 13

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Sunday 4 March 2012 16:40

Wake him up and start again. (:

JenDanielle917 13

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Sunday 4 March 2012 16:40

Wake him up and start again. (:

disturbed678 10

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Sunday 4 March 2012 17:23

Morning wood

leprechaun23 15

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Sunday 4 March 2012 17:30

He wants to have enough energy to do it

draegbomb 5

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Sunday 4 March 2012 22:29

I don't think he's interested in girls

laynethetrain 0

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Sunday 4 March 2012 22:49

OP....slut

THE_A_TEEN 27

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Sunday 4 March 2012 22:53

Hey #82, shut your fucking assuming mouth. Cunt...

ShortNotice113 5

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Monday 5 March 2012 7:14

Doesn't matter had se- Oh wait...

Morgannnnuhhh 1

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Sunday 4 March 2012 16:42

Morgannnnuhhh 1

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Sunday 4 March 2012 16:45

Alright*

Redoxx_fml 22

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Sunday 4 March 2012 17:12

How flaccid

BostonBruinsFan 8

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Sunday 4 March 2012 17:36

Perfect, 23

MrsCunny 1

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Sunday 4 March 2012 18:21

I so agree!!

thrAsHeRr9081 16

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Sunday 4 March 2012 16:42

You got him so worked up that he ended up exhausted. You should be proud! Lololol

jtthegr8 26

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Sunday 4 March 2012 19:23

The perfect anti-sex thing for women, or she's just that amazing

Dante17 6

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Sunday 4 March 2012 16:43

so much i would had given that my ex (2 and half years when we were together) told me that. i would give all. but it never happened... he is a douche for falling asleep at such opportunity

Bourne_ 5

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Sunday 4 March 2012 17:40

Good to know.

Dante17 6

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Sunday 4 March 2012 17:41

I'm guy dude, in case you misjudge

urdirtyolduncle 15

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Sunday 4 March 2012 18:03

Cool story, bro.

boopityboppity 11

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Sunday 4 March 2012 18:51

Your gender is impertinent to the many shortcomings of your comment, 40.

jtthegr8 26

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Sunday 4 March 2012 19:15

Nobody cares about your ex, this is the OPs' FML not yours...

j_729 18

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Sunday 22 September 2013 2:47

In other words, no one gives a shit :)

joeyl2008 29

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Sunday 11 October 2015 7:32

Maybe he wasn't ready but didn't know how to say that so he faked sleep

ocie14 9

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Sunday 4 March 2012 16:44

Aw. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise?

truehitman2010 0

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Sunday 4 March 2012 16:45

kinky

llamafish 25

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Sunday 4 March 2012 23:46

In what way?

I_Hug_Cats 26

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Sunday 4 March 2012 16:47

Looks like things weren't heated enough. :O

faithxoxox 1

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Sunday 4 March 2012 18:47

Or they were so heated, he's suffering from heat exhaustion.

Nekogami 14

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Sunday 4 March 2012 23:24

Gah. I love both of your pictures!!! Must .. Google .. Both .. For phone backgrounds!!

EmilySiler 0

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Sunday 4 March 2012 16:48

Yeah, maybe he's not the one to lose it to....

Morgannnnuhhh 1

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Sunday 4 March 2012 20:37

Yeah, couldn't have said it better myself... Oh wait... I did!

alliewillie 22

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Sunday 4 March 2012 21:03

^ this made me laugh.

laynethetrain 0

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Sunday 4 March 2012 22:51

dang morgan, that was mean you're cool since you said it first

THE_A_TEEN 27

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Sunday 4 March 2012 23:01

...and you're not, layne.

laynethetrain 0

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Sunday 4 March 2012 23:05

thanks bro. Love you

d_unsub 12

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Sunday 4 March 2012 16:48

I wonder how some people make out cos how can one fall asleep while/when things are "getting heated"??

Awsumuzzie 12

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Sunday 4 March 2012 18:35

What are you taking about? It's super easy that I have become an expert at it. For those wondering, I am proud.

Mama_Umbridge 8

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Sunday 4 March 2012 16:48

Not all guys are crazy for sex...

SecretMe00 5

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Sunday 4 March 2012 17:10

I agree. I'm married to one.

BostonBruinsFan 8

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Sunday 4 March 2012 17:38

I'm crazy… for sex

LouisianaBob 9

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Sunday 4 March 2012 20:10

crazy like a fox

drlove78843 6

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Sunday 4 March 2012 21:33

I think it depends on how old you are. Generally, older people are less horny.

laynethetrain 0

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Sunday 4 March 2012 23:07

#11 finally someone who agrees with me

HeartOfLead 24

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Monday 5 March 2012 4:38

Crazy like the wolf... But not me...

SecretMe00 5

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Monday 5 March 2012 4:45

It's not all about the age either. My husband is 23... He's still young so that's not the answer.

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6

You deserved it 6

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 289

You deserved it 789

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 756

You deserved it 1 028

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