Intimacy: Today, things were getting heated with my boyfriend and I told...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, things were getting heated with my boyfriend and I told him that I was finally ready to lose my virginity. Clearly he couldn't wait to get started because he fell asleep. FML

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Intimacy

Zoomed out

Give me my drugs!

Mystery

By o___O" - Belgium - Brussels

Today, while at the supermarket, a complete stranger ran up to me, got down on his knee and confessed his love for me. He was obviously mentally unstable, so I gently declined. He started crying very loudly in front of everyone. I still don't have a clue who he was. FML

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By hockey - United Kingdom

Today, I left my new iphone in a taxi I was sharing with a friend. Apparently when I got out she looked at it, told the driver some one had left it and gave it to him. FML

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By thedri11 - United States - Oxnard

Today, I was so broke I went to Costco, not to buy anything, but to eat their free food samples. FML

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By dargas - United States

Today, while preparing the house for company, I got a call that my sister had a heart attack and died. My wife's response? "Great! Now you're going to be no help to me at all!" FML

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By rejected - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my mother was reading an annual Christmas letter from an old university friend. When she remarked that she could have married him instead of my father, I replied that she wouldn't have had me then. She then said, "Exactly, I could have had his daughter instead." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2020 16:58 - Germany

Haunted house

Today, I jumped when, after being home alone for days, I suddenly saw the door handle move. Apparently, the cats weren't happy about being locked out of the kitchen and were pretty close to figuring things out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, stood in line for hours to see the new Harry Potter. Unfortunately, once inside the theater, I was stuck in the bathroom with the runs for the entire length of the movie. FML

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By asthmatic - United States

Today, I used my inhaler for the first time in a year. As soon as I took a puff I felt something strange go down my throat. Upon closer inspection I discovered there had been a spider living in the mouth of my inhaler... and I had just swallowed it. FML

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By kellym - Canada

Today, I called my husband and he told me that he was going to invite his friend Jeff over that night. I told him I would prefer that he didn't come over. He took it to mean that I wanted to spend time with him and came home with flowers. Then had to tell him I was leaving him. FML

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By mitchellcrawford - United States - San Francisco

Today, after seeing a cute girl on the bus, I tried to look cool by flipping my hair, only to smack the side of my head into the bus window. FML

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By MyNameIsNotJeff - United States

Today, my girlfriend bought me a pet tarantula. I now have one of my biggest fears crawling around my house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to talk to a guy I secretly like. I was so nervous that instead of saying, "Hi, I'm Veronica," I said, "Veronica, I'm high." FML

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By MrGullible

Today, I found out that not only did I pay for my wife to travel overseas to see her brother but to bang some guy half her age as well. FML

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By I fathered a pussy. - United States - Lakeland

Today, my son visited for the first time in three years, asking to stay a while. It turns out he insulted someone online and gave his address in case they wanted to fight him. They accepted the offer, and so my son's imaginary Muay Thai skills went AWOL, along with his testicles. FML

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By shadowmuppet - United States - Bronx

Today, I learned the joy of getting a brand new leather jacket and then watching my date drunkenly throw up all over my arm. FML

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By erlad678

Today, I was woken up by the sound of part of my kitchen ceiling hitting the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - Romania - Bucharest

Today, my boyfriend threw a fit because I "still" live with my mother at age 30. I bought her an apartment in my building and hired a live-in nurse because she is senile and permanently bedridden. FML

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By KCHS - United States

Today, the power went out at school. As a senior, I don't show up until third period. When I got there, I signed in as usual. The office secretary waited until I signed in to tell me that if I hadn't, I wouldn't have to attend classes that day. Now I have to sit in class doing nothing. FML

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By ClaireBear150 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying on one of my little black dresses and heels. He wanted to "see what the fuss was about." I would have been angry if the sight of him dressed like this hadn't turned me on more than he ever has in the 3 years we've been dating. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, I was at the mall and I noticed this guy staring at me from across the food court. He smiled and waved at me so I walked over there and tried to talk to him. He was looking at his girlfriend the whole time. FML

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By IsThisRealLife - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up with an extremely irritable rash around my crotch. I didn't want to full out itch it by putting my hands down my pants, so I itched it by putting my hand in my pockets. I got kicked off the train for "pleasuring myself in public." FML

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By pizzalady

Today, while delivering pizza I was yet again given $0.04 over the total bill and told condescendingly to "keep the change". This happens on every shift. My pay is reduced during deliveries, and I drive my own car and use my own gas. For $0.04. FML

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By milked - United States

Today, as I was about to have sex with my husband, I said I wanted to "spice things up." Apparently, our ideas weren't the same. He yanked my nipples as hard as he could and said, "Yeah, you like that?" FML

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By a tad whipped - Australia

Today, I summoned the courage to call my abusive mother-in-law about her non-payment of the money I stupidly lent her last year. She replied, "Why don't you go deepthroat a cactus, then we'll talk about it, cunt." and then hung up on me. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, we got a new dry-erase board, and I drew the Gotham City skyline complete with the Bat Signal. Later, I went downstairs, only to find my mom had written "BATMAN'S GAY" over the top of the picture. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Wembley

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate with each other for the first time. He shoved his hand down my pants, touched about an inch away from my clitoris, and whispered "cummm" in my ear. I doubt I'll have an orgasm ever again. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend borrowed my Jane Norman dress to wear to a Halloween party. He got hammered, threw up all over it, and fell unconscious on the shower floor. FML

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By ohjoy - United States

Today, a friend and I attempted to jump the 7-foot high fence around his gated community because he'd left his keys. He made it. I didn’t. My shorts caught on the top of the fence, so I was forced to dangle there on a busy street until my Dad came and helped. But only after taking a picture. FML

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By pandroida - Canada

Today, my boyfriend admitted to checking out other girls when he's with me. In his defense, "he doesn't look at their face or boobs. Just their ass." FML

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By anonymous - United States - Fairbanks

Today, while babysitting my neighbors' kids, their oldest son used a paint pen on the carpet. The boy blamed me and I got fired. He's only 3 and can barely talk. FML

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By unlucky22

Today, I turned twenty two. Three days ago I was fired. Two days ago I failed a midterm. Yesterday my boyfriend and I broke up. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By anon

Today, I walked in on one of my housemates pissing in the kitchen sink full of dirty dishes. FML

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By EaglEye

Today, I found out that even though I suffer from insomnia most days, I can sleep within 5 minutes of studying Solid Mechanics, especially when I have an end term the next day. FML

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By drug testing - United States - Little Chute

Today, while answering an "anonymous" survey about how to keep my school drug free, I told them they should stop drug testing the kids that they know don't do drugs and test the sketchier ones. They in turn drug tested me. FML

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By swimmonster81

Today, my mother told me how she managed to afford all of the expensive Christmas presents we got. She took out extra money when applying for my student loans. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got dressed, did my hair, carefully applied my makeup, sprayed myself with perfume, grabbed my bag and put on my coat. I got to the door, and then realised that I had nowhere to go, nothing to do and none of my friends were answering my calls. FML

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By sorry :/ - United States - Monroe Township

Today, my drunk mom told me to apologize for being born. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my brother has two broken arms and needs help wiping his own ass. Bonus, he has bad diarrhoea from the food poisoning he got from the shrimp he made me hand-feed him yesterday. FML

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By Angrily Paranoid - United States - Seattle

Today, my paranoia got so bad that I had to physically restrain myself from aggressively confronting the kid walking behind me on the sidewalk. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2020 11:01

Pull!

Today, my tie-rod snapped, forcing me into a parked car. The wheel literally flew off my car. FML

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Top comments

By Morgannnnuhhh | 1

#4120659 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:42

Girlfriend: "babe, I love you and I'm ready to lose my virginity to you."
Boyfriend: "aright let me take a nap first?"
Op, that would reallllly boost my confidence.
Maybe that is a sign he isn't the one to lose it to. Take the hint.

By JenDanielle917 | 13

#4120650 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:40

Wake him up and start again. (:

COMMENTS

By JenDanielle917 | 13

#4120650 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:40

Wake him up and start again. (:

disturbed678 | 10

#4120787 - Sunday 4 March 2012 17:23

Morning wood

leprechaun23 | 15

#4120810 - Sunday 4 March 2012 17:30

He wants to have enough energy to do it

draegbomb | 5

#4121398 - Sunday 4 March 2012 22:29

I don't think he's interested in girls

laynethetrain | 0

#4121450 - Sunday 4 March 2012 22:49

OP....slut

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#4121461 - Sunday 4 March 2012 22:53

Hey #82, shut your fucking assuming mouth. Cunt...

ShortNotice113 | 5

#4123028 - Monday 5 March 2012 7:14

Doesn't matter had se-
Oh wait...

By Morgannnnuhhh | 1

#4120659 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:42

Morgannnnuhhh | 1

#4120673 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:45

Alright*

Redoxx_fml | 22

#4120753 - Sunday 4 March 2012 17:12

How flaccid

BostonBruinsFan | 8

#4120830 - Sunday 4 March 2012 17:36

Perfect, 23

MrsCunny | 1

#4120933 - Sunday 4 March 2012 18:21

I so agree!!

By thrAsHeRr9081 | 16

#4120661 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:42

You got him so worked up that he ended up exhausted. You should be proud!

Lololol

jtthegr8 | 26

#4121106 - Sunday 4 March 2012 19:23

The perfect anti-sex thing for women, or she's just that amazing

By Dante17 | 6

#4120663 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:43

so much i would had given that my ex (2 and half years when we were together) told me that. i would give all. but it never happened... he is a douche for falling asleep at such opportunity

Bourne_ | 5

#4120843 - Sunday 4 March 2012 17:40

Good to know.

Dante17 | 6

#4120848 - Sunday 4 March 2012 17:41

I'm guy dude, in case you misjudge

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#4120903 - Sunday 4 March 2012 18:03

Cool story, bro.

boopityboppity | 11

#4121027 - Sunday 4 March 2012 18:51

Your gender is impertinent to the many shortcomings of your comment, 40.

jtthegr8 | 26

#4121083 - Sunday 4 March 2012 19:15

Nobody cares about your ex, this is the OPs' FML not yours...

j_729 | 18

#5683917 - Sunday 22 September 2013 2:47

In other words, no one gives a shit :)

joeyl2008 | 29

#6432241 - Sunday 11 October 2015 7:32

Maybe he wasn't ready but didn't know how to say that so he faked sleep

By ocie14 | 9

#4120669 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:44

Aw. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise?

By truehitman2010 | 0

#4120670 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:45

kinky

llamafish | 25

#4121587 - Sunday 4 March 2012 23:46

In what way?

By I_Hug_Cats | 26

#4120675 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:47

Looks like things weren't heated enough. :O

faithxoxox | 1

#4121019 - Sunday 4 March 2012 18:47

Or they were so heated, he's suffering from heat exhaustion.

Nekogami | 14

#4121546 - Sunday 4 March 2012 23:24

Gah. I love both of your pictures!!! Must .. Google .. Both .. For phone backgrounds!!

By EmilySiler | 0

#4120677 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:48

Yeah, maybe he's not the one to lose it to....

Morgannnnuhhh | 1

#4121258 - Sunday 4 March 2012 20:37

Yeah, couldn't have said it better myself... Oh wait... I did!

alliewillie | 22

#4121303 - Sunday 4 March 2012 21:03

^ this made me laugh.

laynethetrain | 0

#4121456 - Sunday 4 March 2012 22:51

dang morgan, that was mean you're cool since you said it first

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#4121482 - Sunday 4 March 2012 23:01

...and you're not, layne.

laynethetrain | 0

#4121494 - Sunday 4 March 2012 23:05

thanks bro. Love you

By d_unsub | 12

#4120679 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:48

I wonder how some people make out cos how can one fall asleep while/when things are "getting heated"??

Awsumuzzie | 12

#4120982 - Sunday 4 March 2012 18:35

What are you taking about? It's super easy that I have become an expert at it. For those wondering, I am proud.

By Mama_Umbridge | 8

#4120681 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:48

Not all guys are crazy for sex...

SecretMe00 | 5

#4120749 - Sunday 4 March 2012 17:10

I agree. I'm married to one.

BostonBruinsFan | 8

#4120837 - Sunday 4 March 2012 17:38

I'm crazy… for sex

LouisianaBob | 9

#4121198 - Sunday 4 March 2012 20:10

crazy like a fox

drlove78843 | 6

#4121340 - Sunday 4 March 2012 21:33

I think it depends on how old you are. Generally, older people are less horny.

laynethetrain | 0

#4121504 - Sunday 4 March 2012 23:07

#11 finally someone who agrees with me

HeartOfLead | 24

#4122580 - Monday 5 March 2012 4:38

Crazy like the wolf... But not me...

SecretMe00 | 5

#4122603 - Monday 5 March 2012 4:45

It's not all about the age either. My husband is 23... He's still young so that's not the answer.