Intimacy: Today, things were getting heated with my boyfriend and I told...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, things were getting heated with my boyfriend and I told him that I was finally ready to lose my virginity. Clearly he couldn't wait to get started because he fell asleep. FML

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Intimacy

Triage

Buyer's market

Fake News

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up, and he came by to get his things while I was at work. When I got home I saw that the only thing he had taken was my cat. I only dated him for 5 months, I've had that cat for 14 years. FML

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By iskiel - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was shopping at my workplace, out of uniform, with my husband. A customer recognised me and wanted me to serve him, but I couldn't since we can be fired for doing so while off-duty. He complained to my manager, who wasted no time publicly bitching me out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent the entire day at school being called Meg. My name isn't Meg, so I started to get really annoyed and confused. Later, I found out it was because I look like Meg from the show Family Guy. She's known for being unpopular, unwanted, ugly, and stupid. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Meriden

Today, my girlfriend wanted to try having sex despite her serious body image issues. Unfortunately, I couldn't get it up due to how utterly terrified she looked. Now no matter what I say, she thinks it's all because her body is hideous. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was working at a place where if you're tipped, you sing. After a lady paid for her ice cream, she pulled out 5 dollars. Thinking it was a tip, I took it, and sang the song. She didn't mean to tip me. I was stopped by the woman slapping me. FML

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By asdfas - United States

Today, I was at work and my mother texted me. The text read, "You take a nice picture." To which I responded, "what picture?" I then got a reply saying, "The one on your speeding ticket showing you going 73 in a 55 mph zone. You are even smiling." FML

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By tinytitty - United States

Today, my crush and I were hooking up and as he slipped his hands up my shirt in order to "feel me up" he started rubbing around my whole torso. When I asked him what he was doing he replied "well I was looking for your boobs but apparently you have none" FML

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By MissSmarts - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store where this really cute guy works. I swiped my card but the machine wouldn't read it. I swiped it quickly some more before getting frustrated and saying, "Your stupid machine doesn't work!" He took the card and turned it around. His face said it all. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, my wife handed over most of our son's college fund, in cash, to an investment scammer going by the name "Herp A. Derpson". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized I've been sinking into a deep depression, ignoring all my friends, and don't know what to do with my life anymore. This is all because I gave up Facebook for lent. FML

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By me - United States - West Babylon

Today, I found out that the guy who asked me out only did so because he thought I "looked rich." He broke everything off once he found out I live in a one-bedroom apartment and drive a 14-year old Volvo. FML

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Her revenge

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She then proceeded to ask for all the gifts she gave me for Christmas back. FML

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By tyler - United States

Today, I went to a Jack's Mannequin concert. I'd asked this girl I'm interested in to come with me, and she insisted that she had to bring her two year old son with us. I'd told her it was no problem. Ten minutes into it, she said we needed to leave because it was too loud for him. FML

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By combovercaiti_

Today, I was waiting in line at the store trying to hold in a fart. I get to the cash register and the lady made me laugh and the fart slipped out. Only it was much louder than it was supposed to be, because I was squeezing my butt cheeks together, so it made a clapping sound. It was heard. FML

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By shadow - United States - Osceola

Today, my mother-in-law told my fiancé that I had to leave and wasn’t allowed to live there anymore. I own the house. She’s mad because I locked the door so she couldn't walk in anytime she wanted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5784

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339

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By Disney dashed

Not so Magic Kingdom

Today, I fulfilled my lifelong dream of going on a family trip to Disneyland. Less than two hours in the park, my kids have been scared shitless by every single character, they don’t want to ride any rides, my husband is drunk and the mouse ears headband gave me a vomit-inducing migraine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1750

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273

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By "Lennie Mcfish"

Today, my girlfriend got mad at me. Why do you ask? She caught me masturbating even though she previously told me she won't have sex with until she's married. FML

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3127

Phew, glad it wasn't me

507

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By :/

Today, I taught my 12-year-old brothers that showering cannot be used as a substitute for deodorant, and that they should use both. One of them was almost in tears. FML

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41459

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By Amber - United States - Oroville

Today, I had to make a poster for social studies. I decided to write "Nice ass" in hieroglyphics. Turns out my teacher can read hieroglyphics. FML

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By jess

Today, I decided to go home and apologise to my husband for accusing him of having an affair. I came home to find him having sex with my mother. FML.

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4949

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By Fuck Trump. - 3/5/2021 14:01

Debate bro

Today, after a supervisor, who is a Donald Trump fanatic, kept pestering us with the subject, I decided to debate with him, never swearing or disrespecting him at all. I was fired, presumably for disrespecting a supervisor. FML

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823

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By ktreens - Canada - Brandon

Today, I was getting out of the car when I saw a dark figure approaching me from behind a shed. I screamed and threw my bag. It also threw its bag, due to the fact that it was my shadow on the wall. FML

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By life_suxxx - United States

Today, I come home to find that my dog has taken a dump on my bed. I quickly put on my house shoes to avoid possibly stepping on any other of his turds. I felt something squish all over my right foot. He also took a dump in my house shoe. FML

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33457

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By 2in longer - United States - Coldwater

Today, while laying in bed with my girlfriend, I felt her grab my manhood through a layer of blankets. I got a bit stiff, just in time for her to clench tight, and pull violently. She didn't know "it" was in her hand, as she was trying to cover herself with the blanket. My manhood is now red and swollen. FML

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By sarah - 6/6/2020 20:00

Respect should be earned

Today, while out in public, my stepmom turned and screamed at me for a good while for “walking through a door before an elder.” People stared. FML

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1363

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By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Today, I was walking home, when I saw a homeless man trying to tear the wallet out of another guy's hand. I can't stand bums, so I smacked him across the jaw. That's when the other one kneed me in the balls and made off with my wallet as well. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Carrollton

Today, I was very worried about my girlfriend of two years. She has recently moved into her apartment, and I hadn't heard from her for four days. Don't worry, though, she's fine. According to her mother's Facebook, she moved in with her old boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2020 20:00

Empathy

Today, my best friend rang me to complain about having to pay childcare fees when she's still working from home. She doesn't understand why I couldn't sympathize with what she was going through. Clearly she forgot I'm a childcare worker who would like to be paid for the work I do. FML

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By Klepto - United States

Today, I sent a Facebook friend request to the guy who had the party I was at last night. I immediately realized, however, that my new profile picture is of me, smiling and holding the trophy I stole from his house. FML

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6278

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By thanksalotdickhead - 14/10/2020 08:01 - United States

Jumping the gun

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend was planning on proposing to me tomorrow. I found out after receiving a couple of a dozen texts from friends and relatives bitching me out for not telling them. Apparently, my dad thought it would be appropriate to make the announcement for me on his Facebook page. FML

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By tarheels526 - United States

Today, the alarm on my phone went off. I picked it up, hit snooze, and dropped it back on my desk without looking. I woke up an hour later to find that I had dropped it directly in a full glass of water. FML

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14582

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By pissfaced - New Zealand

Today, I was trying to see how far I could get away from the toilet while pissing. Instead I tripped over backwards and pissed all over my face. FML

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9104

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By rainastartree - United States - Crum Lynne

Today, my husband and I were fighting over money. As we were arguing, our 13 year old daughter stole $250 dollars from my purse. FML

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46950

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By thatsfine - United Kingdom - Guildford

Today, my sister announced her pregnancy at my husband's funeral. FML

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64555

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By karen

I'm a meme

Today, as always, my name is Karen. FML

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1564

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By helen_ - United States

Thanks for coming to my Ted talk

Today, I had to go to my 10 year-old son's school to talk about my job being a chef. As I was almost finished, I asked the kids "What would you like to do when you grow up?" Without hesitation one kid replied with a straight face, "Anything but being a douchebag like you." FML

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65350

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By Jill - France

Today, a friend of mine commented that I "have a lot of confidence for a fat girl". Ummm... thanks? FML

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30562

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By nice one - United States - Athens

Today, I got home from a week-long vacation with my friend's family. When I got back home, I found the garage door had been completely demolished. My uncontrollably drunk dad blamed me. I don't even drive. FML

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46709

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By creeped_out_ - United States

Today, I am currently grounded for three weeks, have no car, cell phone, or television privileges, and am not allowed to spend more than 10 minutes on the computer a day. The reason why: I was seven minutes past my 9'oclock curfew. I'm 18. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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By Daddy - United States - Hialeah

Today, I discovered an effective form of body hair removal. I discovered that my three-year-old daughter is strong enough to pull off a major clump of my leg hair. FML

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Top comments

By Morgannnnuhhh | 1

#4120659 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:42

Girlfriend: "babe, I love you and I'm ready to lose my virginity to you."
Boyfriend: "aright let me take a nap first?"
Op, that would reallllly boost my confidence.
Maybe that is a sign he isn't the one to lose it to. Take the hint.

By JenDanielle917 | 13

#4120650 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:40

Wake him up and start again. (:

COMMENTS

By JenDanielle917 | 13

#4120650 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:40

Wake him up and start again. (:

disturbed678 | 10

#4120787 - Sunday 4 March 2012 17:23

Morning wood

leprechaun23 | 15

#4120810 - Sunday 4 March 2012 17:30

He wants to have enough energy to do it

draegbomb | 5

#4121398 - Sunday 4 March 2012 22:29

I don't think he's interested in girls

laynethetrain | 0

#4121450 - Sunday 4 March 2012 22:49

OP....slut

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#4121461 - Sunday 4 March 2012 22:53

Hey #82, shut your fucking assuming mouth. Cunt...

ShortNotice113 | 5

#4123028 - Monday 5 March 2012 7:14

Doesn't matter had se-
Oh wait...

By Morgannnnuhhh | 1

#4120659 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:42

Morgannnnuhhh | 1

#4120673 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:45

Alright*

Redoxx_fml | 22

#4120753 - Sunday 4 March 2012 17:12

How flaccid

BostonBruinsFan | 8

#4120830 - Sunday 4 March 2012 17:36

Perfect, 23

MrsCunny | 1

#4120933 - Sunday 4 March 2012 18:21

I so agree!!

By thrAsHeRr9081 | 16

#4120661 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:42

You got him so worked up that he ended up exhausted. You should be proud!

Lololol

jtthegr8 | 26

#4121106 - Sunday 4 March 2012 19:23

The perfect anti-sex thing for women, or she's just that amazing

By Dante17 | 6

#4120663 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:43

so much i would had given that my ex (2 and half years when we were together) told me that. i would give all. but it never happened... he is a douche for falling asleep at such opportunity

Bourne_ | 5

#4120843 - Sunday 4 March 2012 17:40

Good to know.

Dante17 | 6

#4120848 - Sunday 4 March 2012 17:41

I'm guy dude, in case you misjudge

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#4120903 - Sunday 4 March 2012 18:03

Cool story, bro.

boopityboppity | 11

#4121027 - Sunday 4 March 2012 18:51

Your gender is impertinent to the many shortcomings of your comment, 40.

jtthegr8 | 26

#4121083 - Sunday 4 March 2012 19:15

Nobody cares about your ex, this is the OPs' FML not yours...

j_729 | 18

#5683917 - Sunday 22 September 2013 2:47

In other words, no one gives a shit :)

joeyl2008 | 29

#6432241 - Sunday 11 October 2015 7:32

Maybe he wasn't ready but didn't know how to say that so he faked sleep

By ocie14 | 9

#4120669 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:44

Aw. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise?

By truehitman2010 | 0

#4120670 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:45

kinky

llamafish | 25

#4121587 - Sunday 4 March 2012 23:46

In what way?

By I_Hug_Cats | 26

#4120675 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:47

Looks like things weren't heated enough. :O

faithxoxox | 1

#4121019 - Sunday 4 March 2012 18:47

Or they were so heated, he's suffering from heat exhaustion.

Nekogami | 14

#4121546 - Sunday 4 March 2012 23:24

Gah. I love both of your pictures!!! Must .. Google .. Both .. For phone backgrounds!!

By EmilySiler | 0

#4120677 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:48

Yeah, maybe he's not the one to lose it to....

Morgannnnuhhh | 1

#4121258 - Sunday 4 March 2012 20:37

Yeah, couldn't have said it better myself... Oh wait... I did!

alliewillie | 22

#4121303 - Sunday 4 March 2012 21:03

^ this made me laugh.

laynethetrain | 0

#4121456 - Sunday 4 March 2012 22:51

dang morgan, that was mean you're cool since you said it first

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#4121482 - Sunday 4 March 2012 23:01

...and you're not, layne.

laynethetrain | 0

#4121494 - Sunday 4 March 2012 23:05

thanks bro. Love you

By d_unsub | 12

#4120679 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:48

I wonder how some people make out cos how can one fall asleep while/when things are "getting heated"??

Awsumuzzie | 12

#4120982 - Sunday 4 March 2012 18:35

What are you taking about? It's super easy that I have become an expert at it. For those wondering, I am proud.

By Mama_Umbridge | 8

#4120681 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:48

Not all guys are crazy for sex...

SecretMe00 | 5

#4120749 - Sunday 4 March 2012 17:10

I agree. I'm married to one.

BostonBruinsFan | 8

#4120837 - Sunday 4 March 2012 17:38

I'm crazy… for sex

LouisianaBob | 9

#4121198 - Sunday 4 March 2012 20:10

crazy like a fox

drlove78843 | 6

#4121340 - Sunday 4 March 2012 21:33

I think it depends on how old you are. Generally, older people are less horny.

laynethetrain | 0

#4121504 - Sunday 4 March 2012 23:07

#11 finally someone who agrees with me

HeartOfLead | 24

#4122580 - Monday 5 March 2012 4:38

Crazy like the wolf... But not me...

SecretMe00 | 5

#4122603 - Monday 5 March 2012 4:45

It's not all about the age either. My husband is 23... He's still young so that's not the answer.