Today, things were getting heated with my boyfriend and I told...

By Anonymous - 4/3/2012 07:07 - United States

Today, things were getting heated with my boyfriend and I told him that I was finally ready to lose my virginity. Clearly he couldn't wait to get started because he fell asleep. FML

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Intimacy

Thanks, I'm cured!

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

Boozehound alert

By spooked - 22/11/2013 06:20 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, while babysitting a girl, I told her to be quiet so she wouldn't wake her little brother. In reply, she told me that she would kill me, wake her brother up to show him my dead body, then draw all over my face. I'm stuck with her for another two hours. FML

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49600

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By worksucks,Iknow. - 30/8/2018 15:00

Today, it's my first anniversary of being a manager! Today also marks a 12-month period of 30% loss in monthly income combined with 30+ hours/month of overtime. FML

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By Stressed Mother - 18/3/2015 21:26 - United States - Piscataway

Today, after months of job hunting, I finally got a phone call. They were impressed with me. That's when my son decided to throw a tantrum asking for food. After some silence, the caller told me they were looking for someone who wasn't juggling little kids at home and hung up. My son is 20. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2018 07:00 - United States - Conroe

Today, I'm recovering from a bad motorcycle crash that could have cost me my life. A truck pulled out in front of me while going 60. Luckily I only have a broken arm and a fractured sternum. I was just notified by my attorney that the guy at fault has no insurance or assets to his name. FML

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By Cococautly - 4/7/2009 04:49 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me at the zoo. With a Ring Pop. He was serious. FML

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By Sick Guy - 24/3/2018 20:30 - United States - Boynton Beach

buys case of Listerine

Today, I wasn't feeling well at work. While I was in the bathroom losing my lunch, a very large piece of food came up. The resulting splash of toilet water went straight up into my mouth. FML

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By stillembarrassed - 6/8/2013 17:01 - United Kingdom

Today, the window cleaner did his rounds at my house. I sat at my mirror applying makeup and doing my hair. When he came to my window, he yelled rather loudly, "Stop putting on a show for me, you dirty slut!" FML

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By losingstreak - 31/1/2009 20:47 - United States

Today, I was looking at porn on my laptop when my mom came into my room to talk to me. After she finished what she was saying, she paused and said "you know I can see the reflection of your computer screen in your glasses". FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2011 11:29 - Australia

Today, I bought a new goldfish. While leaving my fish on my balcony to go get fish food, I hear a loud squawk and splash, I race outside to see a bird flying off with my fish. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2019 06:26

Today, I was driving behind a tall truck when it drove through some overhanging branches. Suddenly, a huge branch fell on top of my car, leaving it scratched all over and with several dents in the roof. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2013 01:15 - India - Ahmedabad

Today, I found out my best friend made a program to reply to my text messages with random sentences from a list. It took 15 minutes of texting before I finally noticed. FML

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By pinpin - 13/11/2008 11:39 - France

Today, I helped my son do his maths homework. He got a C and won’t talk to me anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2012 05:45 - United States

Today, it's our third anniversary. After a candlelit dinner and a midnight boat ride, my wife turned down sex, because "it's too cliché." FML

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By haaaye - 22/10/2019 02:00 - United States

Sounds cosy

Today, my Twitter got hacked, and I can't get it back. Everyone now thinks I live in a trailer and have multiple STDs. FML

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1423

You deserved it

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By puppydrama - 30/1/2013 21:05 - United States

Today, my dad and his new wife got their wedding pictures done. Out of over 150 pictures, I was only in one. The family dog was in all of them. In the one picture of me, I was holding the dog's leash while he took a dump. FML

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By Nightmares - 7/8/2012 02:00 - United States

FML Uncensored

Today, I surprisingly found two empty seats on the subway. Before anyone could get to them, I rushed and triumphantly sat down, enjoying my victory, until I noticed why they were empty. I had just sat down next to a guy vigorously trying to fellate himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32428

You deserved it

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By Eimii - 6/10/2009 00:41 - United States

Today, my 70 year old coworker gave me a letter telling me he was attracted to me, and wishes to have a relationship in which he can 'hold me in his arms every night'. I'm 21. FML

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47008

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2019 02:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I was helping tidy up after my girlfriend's flat warming. I went to put a sharp kitchen knife in the sink while she was washing dishes, and stabbed her in the finger instead. FML

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1059

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By umm - 8/12/2009 20:35 - United States

Today, my future father in law motorboated my breasts as I bent down to give him a hug goodbye. The rest of the family stood there laughing. This is what I'm marrying into? FML

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27602

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By knolan - 20/7/2011 04:40 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend has checked every girl he has ever slept with for 'vagina teeth'. I'm apparently no exception. FML

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By green2black - 19/5/2010 07:09 - United States

Today, I finally found the girl of my dreams, she's smart, loyal, energetic and adorable. There's one problem. She's a Golden Retreiver. FML

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26878

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By - 25/1/2009 12:36 - France

Today, a ball rolled up to me, so I picked it up and threw it over the school wall. A little boy who was behind me asked for his ball back. It's Sunday and the school is closed. FML

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9315

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By appendicitisanyone - 28/12/2016 17:44 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I awoke to the pain of appendicitis. Apparently it isn't a good enough reason to miss court. I now have a warrant out for my arrest. FML

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5673

You deserved it

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By msarosi - 28/4/2013 10:28 - Canada - Port Perry

Today, I popped a pimple while stopped at a red light. When I looked over the woman in the car next to me was laughing, and had her camera phone out. FML

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44075

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By pinkfloyd777 - 20/12/2010 16:15

Today, I found out that my girlfriend's parents offered her a trip to Europe if she dumped me. She accepted, and broke up with me. Her parents were lying. FML

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44388

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By jezebel - 17/3/2011 14:43 - United States

Today, I got a call from the office telling me I was fired. When I asked why, my boss explained my mother called and told him I was in a "weak mental state." She thought she was helping me get off for my birthday. Now I have no job. FML

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By emi - 3/4/2016 17:18 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, the guy I've been seeing asked me to have a threesome. With his girlfriend. FML

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25110

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By sis - 19/2/2018 16:30 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I went shopping with my sister’s husband to help him choose a birthday gift for her. My sister’s insane friend saw us, followed us, and caused a huge screaming scene in the middle of the mall accusing us of having an affair. FML

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4898

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281

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By HotToTrotskyite - 8/9/2009 17:30 - Russian Federation

Today, I was riding on the Moscow metro. My friend and I were joking around in English about taking a nap on the nerdy business man next to me. As we laughed and made comments about him, which we thought he couldn't understand, he asked, "First time in Moscow?" FML

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7271

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By jadehin - 8/11/2010 01:09 - United States

Today, I had a small gathering of family and friends over to celebrate my son's baptism. One of my friends happens to be a police officer. The entire event consisted of him arresting three of my family members. Don't worry, he came back to get some cake. FML

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29315

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2009 16:28 - United States

Today, I was introduced to friends of my boyfriend as "My other girlfriend." FML

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45579

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2016 05:49 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I went on a second date with a guy who seemed perfect in every way possible. That is until he started mentioned how children are a deal-breaker for him. I had to break it to him that I have a 14 month old daughter. He actually had the balls to ask if I'd ever consider foster care. Seriously, dude? FML

I agree, your life sucks

15384

Phew, glad it wasn't me

2206

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By Chels - 4/12/2009 06:27 - United States

Today, I had an elderly man come to my cash register. His total came to $15.50 He handed me $5 in nickels and dimes. A full roll of quarters. Before I could take the roll, he bust it open, making me count it. After that was all counted he was 50 cents short. So he handed me a $10 bill. FML

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39994

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2010 19:04 - United Kingdom

Today, I put an anonymous note under my neighbour's door asking them to not have sex so loudly during the day. Since then, I haven't heard any sex. Unfortunately, I have heard a woman crying loudly because she just found out about her husband's affair. FML

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51332

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2018 15:00

Today, I found out I have a new allergy: the sun. My face is so swollen that it has started to bleed to relieve the pressure. Today is also day 6 of the 3-month European trip that I spent all year saving for. FML

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4271

You deserved it

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By evenpoorer - 16/3/2010 05:19 - United States

Today, I was excited to start my new job. It was only when I was leaving after a long 8 hour day did I realize all of the personal documents I had I brought in for paperwork had been stolen. I am now down a passport, social security card, and wallet. Great first day. FML

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27873

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By vansboy - 15/11/2010 04:26

Today, my family had a secret meeting on my "puberty issues." I'm 21. FML

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31785

You deserved it

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By doglover - 3/11/2009 18:11 - United States

Today, a Milkbone commercial came on TV. At the end of it, they whistle and throw a Milkbone across the screen, prompting my 100lb German Shepherd to leap off the couch and run head on into my new plasma screen TV. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2016 11:26 - United States - Brunswick

Today, my dog once again desperately tried to yank me straight into the path of a bus. FML

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21909

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2011 02:53 - United States

Today, I learned how to use a fire extinguisher. Too bad it was on my brand new oven. FML

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Top comments

By Morgannnnuhhh | 1

#4120659 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:42

Girlfriend: "babe, I love you and I'm ready to lose my virginity to you."
Boyfriend: "aright let me take a nap first?"
Op, that would reallllly boost my confidence.
Maybe that is a sign he isn't the one to lose it to. Take the hint.

By JenDanielle917 | 13

#4120650 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:40

Wake him up and start again. (:

COMMENTS

By JenDanielle917 | 13

#4120650 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:40

Wake him up and start again. (:

disturbed678 | 10

#4120787 - Sunday 4 March 2012 17:23

Morning wood

leprechaun23 | 15

#4120810 - Sunday 4 March 2012 17:30

He wants to have enough energy to do it

draegbomb | 5

#4121398 - Sunday 4 March 2012 22:29

I don't think he's interested in girls

laynethetrain | 0

#4121450 - Sunday 4 March 2012 22:49

OP....slut

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#4121461 - Sunday 4 March 2012 22:53

Hey #82, shut your fucking assuming mouth. Cunt...

ShortNotice113 | 5

#4123028 - Monday 5 March 2012 7:14

Doesn't matter had se-
Oh wait...

By Morgannnnuhhh | 1

#4120659 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:42

Morgannnnuhhh | 1

#4120673 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:45

Alright*

Redoxx_fml | 22

#4120753 - Sunday 4 March 2012 17:12

How flaccid

BostonBruinsFan | 8

#4120830 - Sunday 4 March 2012 17:36

Perfect, 23

MrsCunny | 1

#4120933 - Sunday 4 March 2012 18:21

I so agree!!

By thrAsHeRr9081 | 16

#4120661 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:42

You got him so worked up that he ended up exhausted. You should be proud!

Lololol

jtthegr8 | 26

#4121106 - Sunday 4 March 2012 19:23

The perfect anti-sex thing for women, or she's just that amazing

By Dante17 | 6

#4120663 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:43

so much i would had given that my ex (2 and half years when we were together) told me that. i would give all. but it never happened... he is a douche for falling asleep at such opportunity

Bourne_ | 5

#4120843 - Sunday 4 March 2012 17:40

Good to know.

Dante17 | 6

#4120848 - Sunday 4 March 2012 17:41

I'm guy dude, in case you misjudge

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#4120903 - Sunday 4 March 2012 18:03

Cool story, bro.

boopityboppity | 11

#4121027 - Sunday 4 March 2012 18:51

Your gender is impertinent to the many shortcomings of your comment, 40.

jtthegr8 | 26

#4121083 - Sunday 4 March 2012 19:15

Nobody cares about your ex, this is the OPs' FML not yours...

j_729 | 18

#5683917 - Sunday 22 September 2013 2:47

In other words, no one gives a shit :)

joeyl2008 | 29

#6432241 - Sunday 11 October 2015 7:32

Maybe he wasn't ready but didn't know how to say that so he faked sleep

By ocie14 | 9

#4120669 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:44

Aw. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise?

By truehitman2010 | 0

#4120670 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:45

kinky

llamafish | 25

#4121587 - Sunday 4 March 2012 23:46

In what way?

By I_Hug_Cats | 26

#4120675 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:47

Looks like things weren't heated enough. :O

faithxoxox | 1

#4121019 - Sunday 4 March 2012 18:47

Or they were so heated, he's suffering from heat exhaustion.

Nekogami | 14

#4121546 - Sunday 4 March 2012 23:24

Gah. I love both of your pictures!!! Must .. Google .. Both .. For phone backgrounds!!

By EmilySiler | 0

#4120677 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:48

Yeah, maybe he's not the one to lose it to....

Morgannnnuhhh | 1

#4121258 - Sunday 4 March 2012 20:37

Yeah, couldn't have said it better myself... Oh wait... I did!

alliewillie | 22

#4121303 - Sunday 4 March 2012 21:03

^ this made me laugh.

laynethetrain | 0

#4121456 - Sunday 4 March 2012 22:51

dang morgan, that was mean you're cool since you said it first

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#4121482 - Sunday 4 March 2012 23:01

...and you're not, layne.

laynethetrain | 0

#4121494 - Sunday 4 March 2012 23:05

thanks bro. Love you

By d_unsub | 12

#4120679 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:48

I wonder how some people make out cos how can one fall asleep while/when things are "getting heated"??

Awsumuzzie | 12

#4120982 - Sunday 4 March 2012 18:35

What are you taking about? It's super easy that I have become an expert at it. For those wondering, I am proud.

By Mama_Umbridge | 8

#4120681 - Sunday 4 March 2012 16:48

Not all guys are crazy for sex...

SecretMe00 | 5

#4120749 - Sunday 4 March 2012 17:10

I agree. I'm married to one.

BostonBruinsFan | 8

#4120837 - Sunday 4 March 2012 17:38

I'm crazy… for sex

LouisianaBob | 9

#4121198 - Sunday 4 March 2012 20:10

crazy like a fox

drlove78843 | 6

#4121340 - Sunday 4 March 2012 21:33

I think it depends on how old you are. Generally, older people are less horny.

laynethetrain | 0

#4121504 - Sunday 4 March 2012 23:07

#11 finally someone who agrees with me

HeartOfLead | 24

#4122580 - Monday 5 March 2012 4:38

Crazy like the wolf... But not me...

SecretMe00 | 5

#4122603 - Monday 5 March 2012 4:45

It's not all about the age either. My husband is 23... He's still young so that's not the answer.

*buys case of Listerine*

Sounds cosy

FML Uncensored

buys case of Listerine