Today, a guy tried to carjack me. Good news: I drive a stick shift, and the idiot apparently couldn't, so I still have my car. Bad news: he was so angry, he beat the shit out of me. I had to get stitches, and now I look like I went on a date with Chris Brown. FML
Collection
Black Friday
70% off something you didn't need, a stampede and a cart that crashes at checkout. Thanks, Black Friday.
Today, I was carjacked. As he shoved me away from my car, I got hit by another car. He and the other car both drove off. FML
Today, some punk got up in my face yelling at me, pushed my wife and scratched my car with a, "What you gonna do, old man?" attitude, and yet I’m the bad guy who gets arrested because I open-palm slapped him and he fell into a glass window and fucked up his face and neck, probably permanently. FML
Today, I tried to stop a drunk girl from driving home. She took a couple swings at me, which I dodged. Feeling pretty good about it, I tried to get the keys from her hand. She leaned over, and sunk her teeth in to my bare shoulder. The doctor says I will have a scar. FML
Today, my ex stole my car keys. Good news is she can't drive stick. Bad news is she set my car on fire. FML
Today, I saw a bad car wreck. I pulled over and ran to the car to find an unconscious man behind the wheel. Another car pulled up, and a guy got out. I was relieved to have help, until, to my horror, he started trying to hit on me. I was stuck with him until the ambulance arrived. FML
Today, while in a parking lot, I accidentally cut someone off out of pure nervousness, as I'm a new driver. I got out of my car to apologize, and they responded by beating me and my car to a pulp with a baseball bat. FML
Today, while driving into work, a guy cut me off and I yelled some nasty things out of my window at him. He heard me, followed me to work, took a baseball bat out and then chased me into the office. He also smashed my windshield on his way out. FML
Today, I was on a date with a guy I really like. Everything went well, and then he wanted to kiss me. As he leaned towards me, I got slightly panicky and ducked out of the way, causing him to headbutt the car behind me. Now we know why I'm still a virgin. FML
Today, as I was sitting in my car in a mall parking lot, an old couple got into their new van and backed right into me. The man got out and in broken english decided it was no big deal. He turned to leave and tried to pat my back, but smacked my ass instead. I was hit by a car, and spanked for it. FML
Today, I watched as a guy hit my car, laugh when he saw me running towards him, and drive away. FML
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Top comments
lexiieeex3 32
There are some really shitty people in this world OP. I am truly sorry you had to experience this asshole.
Dreamsorrow93 24
This is why I carry a gun.
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Comments (102)
mrningbrd 19
Was the domestic abuse joke really necessary?
MrJenksMan 1
I voted you deserved it. Your protection is your own responsibility. This is why I carry a gun
sprints54 19
Conceal carry permit woulda been handy there
Kidjazzin 17
Sue their ass.
ThePandoricaOpen 18
At least he didn't try to sue you...? but really that sucks.
ThePandoricaOpen 18
Yes, stupid shit like that.
hurley12 30
Great joke at the end
Yunhee_fml 16
this is why i carry a gun?? WTF
ALegitOreo 11
Stick-Shift: "It's practically built in theft protection!"
Candied_person 13
This is y we have guns he would be dead ud be fine
kieralumina 30
that's why you lock your doors and keep a blade in your car. hopefully you heal up quickly, though.