Today, I walked into my bathroom to my boyfriend bragging about...

By Nikki - 8/6/2019 22:00

Today, I walked into my bathroom to my boyfriend bragging about how much better his butt looked than mine, all while wearing my jeans. FML

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Rock, hard place

Please like me

Gas giant

By Anonymous - 14/4/2013 14:22 - United States - Big Lake

Today, I asked my grandmother to hem my prom dress for me. I'm her oldest granddaughter so I thought she'd be happy to do it. She said no. Her occupation is a seamstress. FML

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By stillwaiting - 15/9/2009 21:32 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my boss plays a trick on all the interns. He calls you to his office, then leaves you waiting outside until you get annoyed and leave. Apparently, the old record was 45mins. I waited 4 hours. FML

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By Sharee K. - 8/8/2011 19:20 - United States

Today, while walking in the city with my little sister, she let go of my hand. Not wanting to lose her, I quickly tried to grab it back. That resulted in me grabbing some 50 year old man's junk. FML

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By kbartlett86 - 24/6/2010 20:02 - Canada

Today, after sitting for hours at my desk, my legs fell asleep. When I got up to go to the bathroom on my break, I couldn't walk properly and leaned against things so I wouldn't fall over. My supervisor then came over and started lecturing me about being drunk at work. FML

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By MCMB33 - 1/2/2012 00:59 - United States

Today, I caught my pregnant wife smoking. This is after I quit over a month ago to show her my support and be a good influence on our child. FML

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By fmlpanda - 29/5/2010 04:14 - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. It was going well until our braces got caught. Out of pain, I tried to pull away, which made my eyes water. Then I sneezed in his mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2015 18:33 - Romania - Campina

Today, it's been 3 months since my dog scratched my 9 year old granddaughter after she walked over and repeatedly kicked him. My daughter has disowned me and won't let me see my own grandchildren until I have my companion of 11 years "destroyed". FML

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By killme - 13/12/2018 14:00

Today, my girlfriend of three years broke up with me saying I don’t make her happy, I don’t make her laugh, that she feels she is settling for me and that she is not being pleased sexually. Even though she has always said I did all of that and that we could work through anything. I was going to propose... FML

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By effingdoucher - 30/1/2011 06:07 - United States

Today, I was having sex with a guy I met at my friend's party. He stopped mid-thrust, climbed off, and started talking about how nervous he is about buying his first car next week. FML

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By yourstruly - 11/2/2010 19:40 - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of someone having sex in the room next to me. I don't have a roommate. Turns out my mom thought I was out of town and used her extra key to bring a guy over for sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2013 16:36 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I found out that even though my boyfriend thinks that peeing on me in the shower is acceptable, he will still freak out and call me disgusting if I try to use the toilet while he's taking a shower. FML

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By tryfailtryget11 - 5/9/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend. We were messing around and I always jokingly say "You're adopted, nobody loves you" to everybody. His reply, "That's pretty fucked up, I am adopted." He really was. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2019 14:01

Light day

Today, on my 16th birthday, my lightly worn jeans split while I was at school. I attempted to fix them with staples, but I have a metal allergy. So I took my driving exam with a rash on my butt and staples digging in, in a car that had no AC. FML

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By Username - 28/2/2011 16:26

Today, my assistant manager was arguing with a customer. I interjected letting the customer know that "we want everything to be copacetic." After the customer left, I received a write up for using "big words." FML

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By XxDiabolikalXx - 24/8/2010 07:30 - France

Today, while having dinner, my boyfriend decided to tell everyone about our sex life. It wouldnt have been too bad except my father was sitting right next to me. My boyfriends excuse was that he wanted to make my dad laugh. He isn't laughing. FML

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By Vanessa8221 - 26/6/2018 14:30 - United States - Rockaway Park

Today, I gave a sexual harassment seminar, explaining how important it is to not do anything that makes co-workers uncomfortable. Someone joked, "Like telling you your fly is open?" I tried to zip up, but it got caught on my underwear. There were 20 minutes left in the program. FML

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By ConfusedCollegeKid - 11/3/2017 13:00 - United States - Normal

Today, my theatre studies professor played a soundscape, then had us write what we thought the meaning was. I thought it was a simulation of what schizophrenia was like. Turns out the teacher bet her friend she could convince us that a bunch of people speaking gibberish meant something. FML

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By paytonallyce - 3/10/2016 02:32 - United States - Springfield

Today, I got a bug bite on my boob. I scratched it so much it started bleeding so I put a bandaid on it. Turns out the band-aid had latex in it and I got an allergic reaction to it. The bug bite is still bleeding and the top half of my boob is swollen. FML

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By boredbymyself - 17/9/2020 14:01 - United States

NFL 2020

Today, it was the first game of 2020 Notre Dame football. My boyfriend’s family are huge fans and were upset because they weren’t doing well. When I left to get snacks for everyone, Notre Dame finally started playing better. I’ve been sent to the kitchen until further notice, because apparently I’m “bad luck”. FML

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By Caz - 10/9/2018 20:30

Today, I got on the Megabus for a 6-hour journey from London to Plymouth. I then realised I'd forgotten to fill up my water bottle and charge my iPod. It's a fully packed, sweaty hot loud coach. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2015 03:54 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, my 19 year old brother called me a moron and told me to go read a book, after I corrected him when he said girls don't have colons. FML

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By fungettingdressed - 12/10/2010 12:57 - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my fingers got stuck between the wall and headboard. Screaming, he thought I was enjoying the sex and kept going even harder. I have 3 broken fingers. FML

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By HP_22 - 1/12/2009 16:17 - United States

Today, I was the only employee at a video store where I work when it got robbed. After crying, shaking and spending two hours and dealing with the police, my boss called and told me it was good experience and I would know what to do next time, then made me finish my shift, the night shift, alone. FML

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By lamemom - 5/4/2014 22:05 - Canada - Fredericton

Today, my friend saw a stamp on my hand and asked me which club I had gone to last night. I was so desperate to seem cool that I lied, instead of admitting it was actually from a children's play group that I took my kids to. FML

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By salt. - 28/2/2012 22:04 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My fiancé decided to give me the gift of "freedom". That's how he put it, anyway. FML

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By TrophyGirlfriend - 17/8/2009 05:43 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was fired. After breaking the news, he also broke up with me. Apparently, his boss had a creepy crush on me and would give my boyfriend bonuses for bringing me to company events and, occasionally, out on the boss's personal boat. Looks like I am no longer useful. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2013 05:25 - United States - Long Beach

Today, I had a new client on my massage list. Two of my fingers got stuck in the thick coat of hair covering his back. I had to stop myself from making grunting noises whilst extricating them. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2012 14:15 - United States

Today, I found my boyfriend passed out on the floor. Then I passed out, due to anxiety of seeing him passed out. FML

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By crap - 7/3/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, I finally told my best friend whom I've secretly been in love with for two years that I was in love with her but at the last second chickened out and said I was joking. She replied with "Don't scare me like that. I thought I was going to have to find a new best friend for a second" FML

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By TheMommas - 6/11/2013 16:33 - United States - Dallas

Today, my five-year-old stepson announced that he is finally no longer scared of flushing toilets. Immediately after, I discovered that he's now decided that he's scared of the bathroom sink. FML

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By unbirthday - 18/7/2011 18:05 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I came downstairs to a cake that said "Happy 8th Birthday Bella!" My name is Sarah and I'm 16. Bella is our dog whose birthday is next month. FML

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By sad - 8/1/2011 05:22 - United States

Today, I found out that the girl who my high school boyfriend cheated on me with is now the woman my husband is having an affair with. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2011 13:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered my mother went into the local pub where I work part time, got very drunk, and flashed her boobs at everyone. I found out when a picture was posted on Facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2015 11:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I was telling my friends that I'd gotten a paid position to cover a worker's bereavement leave for the next three weeks. They then called me an insensitive bitch for 'profiting from someone else's misfortune'. FML

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By Cody - 30/12/2009 09:35 - France

Today, I was at a job interview at McDonalds. All was going well until the manager told me that I'd have to remove the piercing that I have on my eyebrow. I didn't think that my mole would be so confusing. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2020 02:00

Team breaking

Today, I went on a work team-building day at a snow park. Thirty minutes in, while I was climbing out of a slide, my 210 lb coworker ploughed into me in a donut ring. He obliterated my ankle and I've now got three months in a cast to look forward to. So much for the building. FML

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By bitchimgay - 22/7/2012 16:48 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I went to my local coffee shop. I soon witnessed the girl making my drink apparently dislodge a wedgie from her ass-crack and then sneeze into her hands. When I confronted her, she loudly accused me of "visually molesting" her. FML

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By lalararara - 4/3/2010 15:48 - United States

Today, I got a 95 on my term project. To congratulate me, my boyfriend said we're having sex tonight. I only get laid if I get good grades. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2013 16:07 - United States - Katy

Today, I went to my local pool. I lay down in a chair and started tanning. About 30 minutes later, a lady came up to me and said, "Put that away, you pervert, there are children here!" I had a hole in my pants and my penis had started to poke through. FML

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By Dweeb - 2/10/2019 18:00

WOOF!

Today, I ran into a parked car and fell into the gutter. All because a dog suddenly barked at me. From the other side of a wooden fence. FML

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Top comments

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#7810534 - Saturday 8 June 2019 23:50

Why didn't you tell us whether his butt was better than yours or not? Don't leave us hanging.

By inappropes | 31

#7810524 - Saturday 8 June 2019 23:08

If it's true it's true honey. start smacking his ass if he likes it Haha.

COMMENTS

By mr_dinzaster | 16

#7810506 - Saturday 8 June 2019 22:00

Dayummmm he got a fatty huh lmao

By inappropes | 31

#7810524 - Saturday 8 June 2019 23:08

If it's true it's true honey. start smacking his ass if he likes it Haha.

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#7810534 - Saturday 8 June 2019 23:50

Why didn't you tell us whether his butt was better than yours or not? Don't leave us hanging.