By Anonymous

The Guru

Today, my husband told me he'd met a life guru online who, after paying the £29.99 consultancy fee, advised him to seize happiness at all times. So he decided to seize the 19 year-old redhead across the street, move in with her and get her pregnant. This is the happiest I’ve seen him in years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2190

You deserved it

256

Tweet

Share

Whatthefuckaburger

Nooooooo… !

Zeitgeist

By Maxie-Nathanial - United States

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, he played with and named my boobs. Complete with a full skit where "Maxie" killed "Nathanial." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34738

You deserved it

8204

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting in Walmart and I saw an attractive woman walking by. Being the single guy I am, I went up to her and asked if she needed help with carrying her groceries. She responded with "You know I'm a guy right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

35787

You deserved it

17321

Tweet

Share

By babydoll - United Kingdom

Today, I was traveling by bus. There were no spare seats, so I stood next to a seated lady. When she got off at her stop, I was amused because her bum made the shape of a mushroom on the seat. I went to sit on it. So I'm sitting there when I realise the seat is really warm... and wet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34936

You deserved it

8328

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - Germany

Today, I was fired on my second day of work after a year and a half of unemployment. Apparently, my "tendency to solve problems instead of just accepting them made the other workers uneasy". FML

I agree, your life sucks

54525

You deserved it

3617

Tweet

Share

By sad-sexed - Australia

Today, I was lying on my bed with my boyfriend. I didn't really want to have sex so I told him I would if he really wanted too, but I wouldn't enjoy it. He then started to undo my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15027

You deserved it

55296

Tweet

Share

By arse-face - Ireland - Caher

Today, a group of friends and I went out to a fancy club together. The doorman checked us out and let everyone in. Everyone except me, that is. The doorman's reason: "Her face looks like a baboon's arse." My "friends" all went in anyway, leaving me to walk all the way home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53887

You deserved it

4850

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was expecting a call from my friend. The phone rang and I answered with "WANK!!" as a joke. It wasn't my friend on the phone, it was my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10684

You deserved it

44371

Tweet

Share

By brazo667 - United States - Fort Stewart

Today, I have spent so much time watching Scooby Doo with my son that I actually used the word "zoinks". FML

I agree, your life sucks

29460

You deserved it

5768

Tweet

Share

By Lace - United States

Today, my husband just told me that he no longer loves me but keeps me around to handle his finances. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41036

You deserved it

3740

Tweet

Share

By kris - United States

Today, my mom let it slip that she was divorcing my dad. After making me promise to keep it from him and my little sisters, she had me help her with her plans to renovate the house. She intends to kick him out once it's done. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33723

You deserved it

2742

Tweet

Share

By RIP - Finland - Espoo

Today, I had to call the cops to break up a fistfight at my mother's funeral. It turns out my two brothers care more about having a pissing match over their favorite football teams than they do honoring our mother's memory. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29581

You deserved it

1806

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 24/9/2020 02:01 - Singapore - Singapore

Optimism

Today, my teacher walked into class and said, "Look to your left and right, one of those persons you just looked at will fail the upcoming exam." When asked why, she said too many people passed last year's exam. She was dead serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1074

You deserved it

60

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Roanoke

Today, my mom found a new fad, and now styles herself as some kind of modern druid. Normally I'd just roll my eyes and deal with it, except she's forced the entire family to go vegetarian, threatening harsh punishments if we refuse to stop "poisoning" our bodies. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41889

You deserved it

3400

Tweet

Share

By lamortdeshommes - United States

Today, I sent my boyfriend to the store to get groceries while I was at work. Instead of what I listed, he came back with hot pockets, ice cream and beer. I'm lactose intolerant and pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42841

You deserved it

8288

Tweet

Share

By rise - 8/5/2021 10:59

Painful

Today, I had a massive, pounding headache. I asked my mom for some painkillers and she said, "No. You don’t deserve pain relief. Ever. For anything." What? FML

I agree, your life sucks

914

You deserved it

51

Tweet

Share

By Lisa

Forever Alone

Today, at my younger sister's wedding, my hospitalised grandmother called to ask if I have a boyfriend yet, both my parents wondered if I'll ever get married, and when the 13-year-old next to me caught the bouquet, his father yelled from the back to give it to me instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2819

You deserved it

206

Tweet

Share

By Rotarius - Canada - Toronto

Today, instead of staying home, I took an hour-long bus ride in the middle of the night to my girlfriend's place because on the phone she said, "I desperately need your body right now". It turned out she was just cold. She is also on her period. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19866

You deserved it

36798

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, my sister sent me countless pictures of my boyfriend making out with different girls at a bar. His excuse? Photoshop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54130

You deserved it

4305

Tweet

Share

By ooops - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I went to have dinner with my girlfriend and her family. It got silent, so, noticing her legs were darker than they were a few hours ago, I wanted to ask her if she used tanning lotion. I ended up asking her if her legs were fake. Her dad has prosthetic legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25560

You deserved it

7251

Tweet

Share

By Oblivious - Kuwait

Today, I found out that my husband named our daughter after his favorite porn star. FML

I agree, your life sucks

155612

You deserved it

16183

Tweet

Share

By JillianJuneBug

Today, the bad haircut I received recently no longer makes me look like Dora the Explorer. Instead, I now look comparable to He-Man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2845

You deserved it

341

Tweet

Share

By kenz - United States

Today, I returned from a week-long vacation. My landlord told me he had let my boyfriend in my apartment to get something. I don't have a boyfriend. Everything in my apartment is gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42314

You deserved it

2540

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Surprise

Today, I had surgery on my arm. My mom has recently had the same surgery and my dad is having his first rib removed and won't be able to move his arm. My family combined now has three functioning arms. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26683

You deserved it

1887

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/9/2020 17:00 - United Stated - Portland

Stormy weather

Today, I was about to have sex with my long-term boyfriend, when it started to rain. He was so interested in the storm that he left me half naked to look outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1057

You deserved it

215

Tweet

Share

By texasrose921 - United States - Springfield

Today, as a student reporter for our college newspaper, I interviewed the president of my university. I was surprised to get an interview with him, and because of my nerves, as soon as I walked into his office I tripped over my own feet and fell face first into the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20608

You deserved it

2739

Tweet

Share

By pasquale - Australia - Parramatta

Today, my mother threw an egg at my face with force because I returned home 5 minutes late to dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36945

You deserved it

5608

Tweet

Share

By swirkishly - United States

Today, I was walking through my house when I noticed bits of plaster falling from the ceiling. Against all logic, I looked up, receiving a fragment directly in the eyeball. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25891

You deserved it

9987

Tweet

Share

By anashaalmajiid - United States

Today, my dad and a construction worker were having a long talk. I heard the door slam, and assumed that this worker had left. So I yelled out "Hey dad what were you talking about? Did you talk slowly so the idiot could understand?" Turns out my dad was the one who had walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7865

You deserved it

67956

Tweet

Share

By Teaching - United States

Today, I was reading my students' Halloween stories I made them write for my creative writing class in high school. One of my students wrote about attacking me. She got my street address perfect and everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44896

You deserved it

4515

Tweet

Share

By CakeForBreakfast

Boomers

Today, I asked my father if I could have my grandfather's old vinyls, record player and vintage tube radio. He told me he threw those out years ago because, "Who listens to that crap anymore, now that we have mp3s?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

1867

You deserved it

207

Tweet

Share

By WhatTheFuck - United States - Bridgeview

Today, I had to listen to my grandma talk about how she's "allergic" to toilet paper, and how she lets nature "take care of it". FML

I agree, your life sucks

26037

You deserved it

1751

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 5/10/2020 11:02 - United States - White Plains

AKA taking a screenshot

Today, I was holding in pee because i was so busy at work. When I finally got up to relieve myself, I pulled down my pants, sneezed at that exact moment and peed all over the bathroom floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1029

You deserved it

345

Tweet

Share

By booste - Canada

Today, I was written up because my manager heard me insulting a customer. How did I insult her? I called her grandma. Who did I say this to? My grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45633

You deserved it

2248

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 1/2/2021 02:00

Not having a good time, really

Today, I not only woke up with yet another splitting headache, but I stubbed my toe and my desktop kept crashing. That wouldn't be too terrible if it wasn't the second day in a row of bad luck, which previously involved someone stealing my card info and buying gamer keys with it the day after I got paid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

725

You deserved it

68

Tweet

Share

By Teeny

gross

Today, my creepy co-worker informed me that he was going to stick his "peeny-weeny" in my "teeny-vageeny". FML

I agree, your life sucks

5863

You deserved it

379

Tweet

Share

By deserved - United States

Today, after feeling fat and ugly and a bit depressed, I logged on to Facebook to see my boyfriend had posted "I have the most beautiful girlfriend in the world!" I 'liked' it and commented "Aww thank you baby!" I logged in later to see that he commented back saying "I didn't mean you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

44295

You deserved it

5171

Tweet

Share

By not drunk - Brazil - Santa Maria

Today, I've been one year sober. My health has improved a lot, unlike my social life, which has died a horrible, lonely death. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34501

You deserved it

4683

Tweet

Share

By itendstonight - Ireland

Today, it was my turn to have the trophy my baseball team won a few weeks ago. I then find out that my brother and his buddies thought it would be funny to fill the trophy up with beer, drink the beer, and then pee in it. Not only is it over 50yrs old, it stinks of pee and is due back tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42920

You deserved it

4363

Tweet

Share

By dude - United States

Today, I was walking downtown when a bum approached me for some change. I planned to give a couple dollars but after pulling out my wallet exposing my cash, the bum beat me unconscious. The bum is a 5'0" tall woman; I'm a 6'2" male out $200. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68060

You deserved it

34203

Tweet

Share

By YuckyDuckyLucky - Norway - Oslo

Today, I attempted to break the record for the heaviest squat in my local gym. A small crowd witnessed me breaking the record as well as releasing a huge fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29731

You deserved it

5781

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Roxy Rousseau | 11

#7892099 - Tuesday 24 March 2020 23:53

Wait until the baby comes. Post divorce I’ll bet good money that OP will be the happier one!

By RichardPencil | 30

#7892094 - Tuesday 24 March 2020 23:36

That's the best investment of £29.99 I've ever seen!

Do you have the guru's contact info?

Oh, yeah, sorry for your loss. That sucks.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7892094 - Tuesday 24 March 2020 23:36

That's the best investment of £29.99 I've ever seen!

Do you have the guru's contact info?

Oh, yeah, sorry for your loss. That sucks.

By Roxy Rousseau | 11

#7892099 - Tuesday 24 March 2020 23:53

Wait until the baby comes. Post divorce I’ll bet good money that OP will be the happier one!

By Naird | 2

#7892102 - Wednesday 25 March 2020 0:37

Why do you think he really left? Can not be only the guru's stupid advice.

By Iamthebanzai22 | 18

#7892134 - Wednesday 25 March 2020 5:48

Can I have your husband's email address please? I need to find out how to seduce 19 y/o redheads...

Reply

RichardPencil | 30

#7892148 - Wednesday 25 March 2020 7:15

I want the guru's address!

By bobsanction | 16

#7892146 - Wednesday 25 March 2020 6:51

So clearly you were standing in the way of his happiness.

By WistayShlaio82 | 13

#7893445 - Monday 30 March 2020 2:41

And it only cost you 30$ and several wasted years of your life

By sickerthanyou | 13

#7893485 - Monday 30 March 2020 6:53

In all fairness I’d be super happy with a hot 19 years old red head too!

By GalaxyGirl1123_fml | 12

#7894665 - Friday 3 April 2020 10:16

That poor 19 years old redhead though.... She's the one who's gonna need help soon

By GalaxyGirl1123_fml | 12

#7894666 - Friday 3 April 2020 10:18

Was he really still making you happy at that point? Maybe it's your time to find someone better ;)