By Anonymous - 24/3/2020 23:13

The Guru

Today, my husband told me he'd met a life guru online who, after paying the £29.99 consultancy fee, advised him to seize happiness at all times. So he decided to seize the 19 year-old redhead across the street, move in with her and get her pregnant. This is the happiest I’ve seen him in years. FML

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Dangling modifier

Late term

Egg mode

By Loser - Canada

Today, I got into a fight with the dryer over a plastic toy car. My hand is bleeding and numb, three of my nails are broken and I have a bruise on my chin. The plastic car is still stuck in the now broken dryer. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - France

Today, in the middle of the night, my girlfriend whispered "Are you asleep?" I chose not to respond, to see what she'd do. She then let rip a loud, stinking fart, giggled, and went back to sleep. FML

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By owmyfoot - United States - Sacramento

Today, while walking barefoot through my house, I saw something shine on the floor across the hallway. Curious as to what it was, I rubbed my foot across the carpet to feel it. It wasn't until it was deeply lodged in my foot did I realize it was an open safety pin. FML

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By wobbles - United States

Today, I spent 30 minutes trying to find my glasses. I don't know whats worse, the fact that I was wearing them the whole time, or that my girlfriend played along and helped me look for them. FML

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By comics over coatis

Today, my boyfriend got mad at me for starting to give him oral sex because I wasn't paying attention to the Marvel movie he was showing me. FML

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By Big break - 18/5/2020 14:00

As seen on TV

Today, I finally got my big TV debut. After thousand of dollars in acting classes and years of waiting to become a professional actress, I got featured in a commercial. I will be rubbing toilet paper against my face for all of four seconds. Hurray, fame! FML

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By pissedchick

Today, I found out my boyfriend cheated on me. We're in the middle of nowhere and have a 4-hour drive home. FML

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By jigglepuff - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I heard my sister talking to my mom about me, saying that I have the ability to suck the life out of a room like a Dementor. I walked in and asked what she meant by that. My mom replied, "She means you're an asshole." I love you too, mom. FML

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By cabatt

Today, I'm a chef and I had a new set of knives delivered. My boss says to me, ''Be careful with your new knives, they're going to be sharp. You don't want to cut your nail off.'' Not 2 minutes later I chop my whole nail off my right index. He jinxed me. FML

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By anxiety - United States

Today, I had an anxiety attack because I thought I'd lost my anxiety medication. It ended up being on the shelf right where I left it. FML

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By Rawr - United States

Today, I was really horny after some dirty texts from my boyfriend. Since everyone seemed to be sleeping, I closed my eyes and started to touch myself. I was really close to climaxing when I opened my eyes and made eye contact with my mother staring at me as I was masturbating. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my "best friend" invited me to drink with her and a couple other friends. She told me to "just bring a few bucks for beer". When I got there, no one else had brought money, including her. They only invited me because I'm the only one with a job. FML

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By Oopsie

Today, nine hours into a ten-hour shift, I accidentally told a customer, "You're a problem!" instead of, "You're welcome!" or, "No problem!" She gave me a dirty look and hurried off before I could correct myself. FML

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By Isoneedtomove - United States

Today, I received an email from a shipping company telling me they had dropped off a package of expensive electronics at the front door. Too bad someone stole it before I made it to the door. FML

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By Anonymous - Cyprus - Paphos

Today, a new employee started at our office. She's about 18, barely does any work, chews gum loudly, has no manners, and happens to sit right next to me. She also threatens to report me for harassment whenever I politely ask her to not bash my chair with the back of her chair. FML

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By JBone - Canada

Today, I was making a smoothie. I didn't plug in the blender until after all the ingredients were inside. I pushed the 'on' button. It was still on when I went to plug it in. With no lid. FML

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By Ouch - United States

Today, as I was closing my car door, I realized I had left the keys in the ignition. Not wanting to lock myself out, I reached to stop the door from closing. Not only did I scream when the door slammed on my hand, but in my furious pain, I leaned on the door, locking my keys inside. FML

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By middleagednurse - United States - Miami

Today, my husband bought me XL pajamas for my birthday. I got really angry, telling him that's obviously not my size. I tried them on just to show him how ridiculous they look. They fit. FML

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By LovesHisHand - United States

Today, I was in my 15-year-old sister’s room when I found birth control pills. I told my parents, who responded by saying, "Sex is beautiful thing." When I was her age my parents caught me pleasuring myself, and smashed my laptop with a hammer, all while calling me "filthy" and "immoral". FML

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By BrokenHearted - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years who had taken a job in a new city last month came into town and told me that she had slept with a co-worker last Friday. Last Friday I was incredibly lonely but I turned down a very attractive woman because I didn't want to hurt my girlfriend. FML

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By transcendingnerd - Philippines - Makati

Today, I heard my 2-year-old sister crying, so I left my room to comfort her. She looked at me, held my hand, escorted me back to my room and closed the door. FML

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By bumblebee - United Kingdom

Today, I was hanging out with a guy I liked. We sat in the gardens, me facing the path, him with his back to it. We were in deep conversation when I noticed a dog that looked exactly like mine. Then I looked up and saw a man that looked like my dad. Yes - my parents followed me on a date. FML

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By ljcxo17 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me. But not to worry, he said she's only in town for a week then he's done with her. FML

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By fiftyshardsofbroccoli - United States

Today, my grandma took it upon herself to give me the sex talk. After explaining the mechanics in excessive detail, she said I shouldn't be afraid to sleep around. Apparently, I need to be comfortable with the man who'll be "conning me into blowing him for the next 50 years." FML

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By Tampax - Spain - Cuenca

Today, my hand was stung by a wasp. It has resulted in all my fingers being swollen and therefore much bigger than usual. I'm getting married tomorrow and there's no way I can get the ring on my finger. FML

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By partypooper - United States

Today, a friend asked me if I could help him set up the stage for his wedding. Feeling honored that he considered me a close enough friend to aid him on his special day, I agreed to help. Turns out we aren't so close. I was asked to leave after I was done because I hadn't actually been invited. FML

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By Clunker - United States

Today, as I was driving with my boyfriend, he pointed out what a crappy car I drive. About how the locks don't work, the vents are broken, the windshield wipers are busted, my headlights aren't bright, and a hubcap is missing. Then he said I’m a good match for my car, 'cos we have the same “personality". FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, my housemate got back at me for asking for her share of a bill by losing her virginity to the guy I like, very loudly. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, while I was going down on my husband, our 3-year-old daughter woke up and started crying from the other room. He practically burst into tears too, whining that she was doing it on purpose to ruin his fun. He was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Southfield

Today, the person I've been trying so hard to get with wrote me a beautiful poem that almost everyone at my school saw and liked. It was about how we'd never be together. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I accidentally farted at a board meeting. My boss thought it came from the guy sitting next to me and gave him hell for being a pig. I was too mortified to say anything, even when the guy blamed it on me, which caused my boss to rage at him for lying and then to kick him out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me for six months with my best friend of five years. After asking him what she had that I didn't, he responded with one word - "Boobies." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2020 01:08 - Australia - South Yarra

Cake is everything

Today, at my maternal grandmother’s wake, I decided I deserved a piece of cake as it had been a hard day. I was serving myself a slice when my paternal grandma caught my eye from across the room, making a “fat face” at me. She called out, loudly, “You don’t need it Pudgy.” FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was telling my friends a story. I added a few "embellishments" to make it more intense. One my friends piped up with, "I was with you, half of what you just said wasn't true". It's now all over Facebook and I'm known as "The Bullshitter". FML

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By Pouponette - France

Today, the pizza delivery guy saw me in my underwear. My boyfriend is so ashamed of me that he pointed out to the guy twice that we were just roommates. FML

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By - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I had a anxiety attack about taking my anxiety medicine. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because he said the relationship was too tough for him. When I asked for an example, he responded, "Like, I don't have enough time to play World of Warcraft." FML

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By dinosaur - United States

Today, my friend sent me a link about a nine year old kid who wrote an iPhone app that gets 2000 downloads per week. I am a 28 year old software developer and have been failing to write an iPhone app for months. FML

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By O_O - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend insisted that I start calling him "Professor Fucktard" in the bedroom. He seems to be dead serious about it. FML

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By smallfrie32

Today, I realized that 95% of my facebook friends added me only because they think my sisters are hot. FML

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Top comments

By Roxy Rousseau | 11

#7892099 - Tuesday 24 March 2020 23:53

Wait until the baby comes. Post divorce I’ll bet good money that OP will be the happier one!

By RichardPencil | 29

#7892094 - Tuesday 24 March 2020 23:36

That's the best investment of £29.99 I've ever seen!

Do you have the guru's contact info?

Oh, yeah, sorry for your loss. That sucks.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7892094 - Tuesday 24 March 2020 23:36

That's the best investment of £29.99 I've ever seen!

Do you have the guru's contact info?

Oh, yeah, sorry for your loss. That sucks.

By Roxy Rousseau | 11

#7892099 - Tuesday 24 March 2020 23:53

Wait until the baby comes. Post divorce I’ll bet good money that OP will be the happier one!

By Naird | 2

#7892102 - Wednesday 25 March 2020 0:37

Why do you think he really left? Can not be only the guru's stupid advice.

By Iamthebanzai22 | 18

#7892134 - Wednesday 25 March 2020 5:48

Can I have your husband's email address please? I need to find out how to seduce 19 y/o redheads...

Reply

RichardPencil | 29

#7892148 - Wednesday 25 March 2020 7:15

I want the guru's address!

By bobsanction | 16

#7892146 - Wednesday 25 March 2020 6:51

So clearly you were standing in the way of his happiness.

By WistayShlaio82 | 13

#7893445 - Monday 30 March 2020 2:41

And it only cost you 30$ and several wasted years of your life

By sickerthanyou | 13

#7893485 - Monday 30 March 2020 6:53

In all fairness I’d be super happy with a hot 19 years old red head too!

By GalaxyGirl1123_fml | 12

#7894665 - Friday 3 April 2020 10:16

That poor 19 years old redhead though.... She's the one who's gonna need help soon

By GalaxyGirl1123_fml | 12

#7894666 - Friday 3 April 2020 10:18

Was he really still making you happy at that point? Maybe it's your time to find someone better ;)