Today, I received my new cell phone and activated my account.... - FML

By Anonymous - 25/4/2009 16:18 - United States

Today, I received my new cell phone and activated my account. As part of the package, I get to choose five numbers that I can call without using any minutes. I could still only think of three numbers I call regularly: my parent's house, my mom's cell and my ex's cell. FML

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Peaky Bladders

Get me away from here, I'm dying

This ain't working out

By BoobSicle - 17/4/2010 23:37 - United States

Today, I took a picture of my boobs and sent it to my boyfriend, only to realize after I hit "send" that I had sent them to the taxi driver (my last phone call) who had just dropped me off at my house. He won't stop calling my phone now. FML

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By madari - 21/10/2012 23:11 - Spain - Benalm?dena

Today, my husband and I went to marriage counselling. I confessed something that was bothering me, but he didn't understand. Our counselor repeated word-for-word what I said right back at him. He turned to me angrily and shouted, "Why couldn't you just say that the first time?!" FML

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By gross - 6/8/2015 17:28 - United States

Today, I asked my one-year-old to come and give mommy a kiss. She did and it was really sweet, until she tried to spit a piece of dog food into my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2012 04:51 - United States - Hernando

Today, I was texting my girlfriend and asked her for a picture, expecting something provocative. She sent me a picture of her holding a positive pregnancy test. We had sex once. FML

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By Immafail - 20/12/2016 18:32

Today, my mother decided to "help me" by throwing out the stack of papers on my desk. Unfortunately, those were all my notes for my final exams. FML

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By MathTeacher - 2/5/2011 14:30 - United States

Today, after being annoyed one too many times by my students' whiney attitudes, I accidentally blurted out, "Quit being such a bitch," to the superintendent's daughter. FML

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By tkghan - 2/8/2013 14:53 - United States - Concord

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for no real reason via text message. A few hours later, she updated her relationship status on Facebook to "in a relationship." Her new "boyfriend"? Her cat. A mutual friend commented, "Well, he's better than that idiot you had before." FML

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By State - 19/3/2017 02:00

Today, my best friend asked me to be the best man at his wedding. I had to decline because the bride's family has deep prison gang ties and I'm a correctional officer. FML

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By pixiegirl - 8/8/2010 19:38 - United States

Today, I found out that my "secret admirer" I've been exchanging letters with for the last three months, and even started developing feelings for, is actually my ex best friend trying to pull a prank on me. FML

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By ShayisPay101 - 15/2/2010 18:58 - United States

Today, my daughter told me she wanted to be a stripper when she grew up, just like daddy's girlfriend. We're still married. FML

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By Singapore - 6/6/2012 02:59 - United States - Shortsville

Today, my uncle gave me a lecture on how I eat too much "unhealthy" junk food, and that it can be very harmful for me. All the while smoking a cigarette. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2019 20:10

Today, I found out that the doctors accidentally perforated my left ear drum performing a routine wax syringing. I was at the doctor's for a completely different reason, having crushed my pinky at the gym. They can't fix either and my finger needs surgery, which can't happen until next week. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2019 16:31

Today, I learned that the landlord tenant act does not apply since I'm living in the same house as my landlord. She's making my life a living hell and breaking my things. I still have 3 months left in the contract. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2014 18:34 - United States - Hartford

Today, I realized that although I'm dating the most loveable, caring and genuine man, the fact that he's a crack addict means I'll never be his drug of choice when he needs a hit. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2012 17:50 - Netherlands - Lelystad

Today, I spilled my guts to my girlfriend, saying I'm scared that all I do is upset her. I then had to sit through a speech about how upset she was that I hadn't told her sooner. FML

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By androidjezus - 3/11/2019 18:30

Halloween, the long wait

Today, I asked my girlfriend to get a bunch of candy for our first Halloween at our new house, so she got $60 worth. We got into an argument about who was going to give it out. It’s now 9 p.m. No one came to our door all night. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2012 07:03 - United States - Puyallup

Today, on my way to my therapist, my father told me to lie to her and tell her that I'm happy so he doesn't have to drive me in anymore. FML

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By FangirlMess6 - 24/3/2017 07:00 - United States

Today, I saw a man stuck in his car door by his jacket. I ran over to help him, and his wife hit me with her purse. FML

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By Scarred4Life - 11/10/2015 03:30 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while babysitting my nephew, I was looking through a bin of toys, and I saw a fake spider. I picked it up to do a prank with. It wasn't fake. FML

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By pinkpanther61789 - 17/10/2019 14:00

Thanks for the support, guys!

Today, for the first time in months, I wore my naturally curly hair instead of straightening it. Later on at work, a customer pointed at my hair and said, "Look, Bellatrix fucked a poodle." All my coworkers laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2009 20:15 - United States

Today, I called the police regarding people speeding down my street because I was worried for my young kids. On the way home from my daughters ballet class I got pulled over 2 houses away from my house and got a $150 speeding ticket. FML

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By Alexis - 26/8/2011 23:32 - United States

Today, my dad looked me dead in the eyes and told me that if I wanted to join the Lingerie Football League, I would have his approval. His drunken friends nodded in agreement. FML

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By anonymous001 - 8/1/2013 19:58 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went to the movies with my crush, who had asked me out on a date. Assuming he'd pay, I left my money at home. When the time came to buy the tickets, he only bought one for himself. FML

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By Alyssa Charlotte - 29/7/2011 02:25 - Mexico

Today, after being terrified for years, I went on a plane for the first time. It was also the first time I "emergency landed." FML

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By Lizz - 6/2/2009 19:25 - United States

Today, I got up the courage to go to my very first voice lesson. I thought I did alright, but at the end my teacher told me, "Now don't worry about grades in this class, I grade on effort, not on talent." FML

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By rosesareyellow - 30/7/2010 04:40 - United States

Today, I dropped my phone in water, and my friends told me to put it in rice to draw out the water. They put my phone in riceroni. My phone now smells like chicken and has rice seasoning stuck all over it. Needless to say it still doesn't work. FML

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By CalebNotShomo - 25/12/2014 15:25 - United States - Houston

Today, my boss sent me a text message saying, "You're fired. Merry Christmas!" FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2012 19:45 - United States

Today, I spent two hours filling out an online application and questionnaire for a potential employer. The application stated that there were no right or wrong answers and to answer truthfully. I was automatically rejected. FML

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By Nosexever? - 25/10/2018 13:30

Today, my husband started a new job as an OTR truck driver. He was assigned one week of home time each month, which happens to be the same exact week my period comes every month. FML

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By susiedoggles - 5/11/2018 08:00 - United States - Milford

Today, getting home after a long day of work, my boyfriend came running out of the house. Being silly, I thought he was excited to see me. Nope - he was excited to show me the squirrel he shot. In the house. Apparently, we have house squirrels and a boatload of holes in the floor and couch. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2011 09:30 - Australia

Today, I was on train when an attractive girl got on. There were no free seats and seeing as how my stop was next, I gave her mine. As soon as I did, the train came to an immediate halt, due to "brake problems". I spent the next 40 minutes standing up. FML

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By annony-moose - 6/2/2010 18:48 - France

Today, I was feeling hungry, so I went to the kitchen to get a bowl of cereal. I found hundreds of weevils festering in my Lucky Charms. FML

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By wtf - 19/10/2016 12:09 - United States - Oxford

Today, it's been 2 weeks since I ordered a printer so I could print schoolwork, that way I don't have to sit on campus so long to print it all out. It just got delivered in Arizona today. I live in New York. FML

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By sad sister - 27/7/2020 14:00

Bye bye love

Today, after my younger sister always made a habit of using everything of mine, from clothes to shoes to jewelry, the list now includes my boyfriend. FML

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By iwantaraise - 14/10/2015 01:55 - Australia

Today, while on the job as a cop, I was breaking up a loud house party. We were just doing one final check of the house, we walked into the bathroom to find a kid furiously wanking in the bath. This isn't the first time I've seen something like this. FML

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By 13a5ic H1p5t3r - 15/8/2016 03:58 - United States - Spencer

Today, I told my best friend that I was gay and that I liked him. Turns out he's very open about the topic. Basically, he kissed me and then slapped me. I don't know what that's supposed to mean. FML

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By Username - 9/8/2011 00:03 - United States

Today, I discovered that if I work out, I can't get an erection, but if I don't work out, my penis functions fine. This wouldn't be such a problem if I wasn't a professional bodybuilder. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2011 01:08 - United States

Today, I ran out of breath while mowing the lawn. I was on a riding lawn mower. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2019 22:05

Today, I told my boyfriend that eventually I want to get my ears pinned back because I think that they stick out too much. I pulled my hair back to show him, and he said, "Yeah, they're different sizes too, and the left one sticks out more than the right one." FML

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By ihaveissues - 19/10/2017 01:30

Today, the handle on our front door broke, leaving us unable to open it. We got a guy to come to sort it out, but all he succeeded in doing was completely wrecking the door. He says he can come back next week. We have no other way out of the house. FML

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Top comments

By Arian_fml | 0

#142750 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:23

The fact that you placed your ex's cell is pathetic.

By so_me_fml | 0

#142763 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:25

Wow, I'm amazed that that's possible. I can't believe you don't at least call your Dad's cell and your BFF.

COMMENTS

By iris85_fml | 0

#142745 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:22

first.

That sucks, make some more friends. And that's not so bad.. I text more than I make calls anyways

Reply

DumDum999 | 0

#2282783 - Saturday 2 April 2011 21:23

Set one of the numbers as the Phoenix company so u can constantly bug them for a better phone

Reply

MrCatman1125 | 2

#5176142 - Friday 23 November 2012 3:53

Why get a phone if your only talking to two people on it?

By Arian_fml | 0

#142750 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:23

The fact that you placed your ex's cell is pathetic.

Reply

untfan2012 | 0

#840144 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 5:33

I second this!

Reply

victoria4161993 | 0

#1019351 - Friday 4 June 2010 22:44

that's sadddd

Reply

AninOnin | 24

#5473865 - Wednesday 1 May 2013 17:29

My ex and I talk all the time and we're best friends. Think before you speak. You'll do the world a favor.

By NapalmFrog | 0

#142752 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:23

Same boat as me, haha.

By comebckkid14 | 0

#142753 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:23

tht does suck

By iamafail | 0

#142757 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:24

FAIL!
why your ex?
legit. make some friends.

Reply

dextrementor | 24

#5813115 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 20:16

Some people find it hard to make friends. For others it's easy. Some people just aren't as outgoing or willing

By log1k | 3

#142759 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:25

thats fail right there.

By HalleSayWhat | 0

#142761 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:25

Eh, I don't call people regularly, so I don't really have all that many....

By so_me_fml | 0

#142763 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:25

Wow, I'm amazed that that's possible. I can't believe you don't at least call your Dad's cell and your BFF.

By Frlf | 0

#142764 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:25

Sucks.
Also, for all of you jacking about talking to his/her ex, fuck off, because thats not something bad, its actually good that someone can keep a good relationship with someone who they were seeing.

Reply

robotiick7 | 23

#5735092 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 12:05

9-you never know it could be like how you're saying and that they are friends, or it can be that he calls her regularly and bugs her. Either is possible.

By ejvlols | 0

#142768 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:26

not an FML