Transportation: Today, I got pulled over for speeding. I started fixing my hair... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got pulled over for speeding. I started fixing my hair and unbuttoning a couple of buttons on my shirt, hoping the policeman would let me off with a warning. When he got to the car, he rolled his eyes and muttered something under his breath. I saw him walk back to the cop car gagging. FML

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Messed up

Roommates from hell

My man

By Sally - United States

Today, I am studying abroad in Mexico and someone asked me what it's like to be from Minnesota. I responded in Spanish, in front of thirty people, what I thought translated to, "If you get cold, you can just put on a jacket." Apparently, what I thought meant "jacket" actually meant "masturbate". FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my mother has been seeing my maths teacher. I'm still failing his class. FML

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By nonameLiz - United States

Today, I found out that you can get arrested for holding up a 'free hugs' sign. FML

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By notalcoholic - Philippines

Today, my roommate gave me a self-help book on alcoholism for my birthday. He's an alcoholic. I gave him that book around 8 months ago. FML

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By druglord - 28/6/2020 14:10

Humorless parents are the worst

Today, I asked my parents if I could have their old Polaroid camera so I could take artsy pictures, but they got all defensive, because, "Polaroid pictures can’t be traced." So I jokingly said I was using it to take pictures of my drug cartel to have a record of my stocks, and now they think I’m some sort of drug lord. FML

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By KortniiE - 23/3/2021 20:01

Congrats?

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years proposed without a ring. He told me he would get it once his divorce papers are final. I didn't know he was married. FML

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By onlywantuanyway

Double standards

Today, my boyfriend again told me how he wants to have an open relationship. Of course, this means he can do what he likes with anyone, but if I so much as kiss someone else, I'm a cheating slut. FML

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By motherfucked - United States - Baltimore

Today, I tried to send my friend a link to a really weird porno. Unfortunately, Google Hangouts popped up with a message from my mom. I didn't realize the keyboard focus had switched until I hit Ctrl+V and Enter real quick. Now I'm grounded. FML

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By AmySweet - United States

Today, my husband bought me a cinnamon roll because my blood sugar was dangerously low. My first bite was easily the most delicious thing I'd eaten since getting pregnant. As I sat in frosting coated ecstasy, my husband snatched up the rest of the pastry and finished it himself. FML

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By RabbitOwner - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were playing with my pet rabbit when my boyfriend discovered poop on his lap. As he brushed it off, I reminded him that there are a lot worse things in the world than rabbit poop. Almost as if on cue, my rabbit peed on both of us. FML

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By Shaz - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I accidentally pulled out six of my eyelashes. It's noticeable. Very noticeable. FML

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By Ihadnoidea - Canada - Ottawa

Today, while working at a gas station, I accidentally changed the price of gas to 8.9 cents per litre. It took me fifteen minutes to figure out why everyone wanted only two or three dollars of gas. I fixed it, but now my managers are debating charging me for lost revenue. FML

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By my face though - United States - Kettle Falls

Today, I had to leave class early due to a profusely bleeding pimple on my forehead. FML

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By bruised - United States - Jacksonville Beach

Today, I had to fire an employee due to his staggering incompetence. The moment I said the F-word, he started fake-coughing, then loudly humming, then went to his desk and pretended not to hear anything I was saying. It took 3 of us to drag him out of the building kicking and screaming. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cabin John

Today, I got home from work to find my boyfriend sobbing hysterically over the death of his cat. The only cat he could be talking about is the one on his Sims account. FML

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By WTFiswrongwithme

Desperate times, desperate, dumb measures

Today, I was so desperate for human interaction that I asked a deaf girl in my class if she liked music. I actually signed it to her. FML

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By cunting cunts - United Kingdom - Northolt

Today, I was driving home, when some kid on a motorbike shot in front of me from the pavement, almost running me off the road. When I confronted him, he screamed, "Watch where you're going next time!" If I could flush every last one of these human turds from the toilet of life, I would. FML

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By Jeff G. - United States

Today, I had to send a picture of my Grandma at her funeral to my girlfriend, because she thought I was out cheating on her. FML

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By markderanjer - United Kingdom - Ealing

Today, I found out that not only is my girlfriend enough of a superstitious twat to believe the world is going to end on December 21st, she actually thinks it's an acceptable excuse to go sleep around with other men. FML

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By sad face - Australia - Chatswood

Today, I told my boss that I quit, and handed in my two week's notice. A couple of hours later, I found my letter of resignation had been photocopied and copies hung all around the office with "Best day ever" written on the bottom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Erie

Today, my boyfriend stayed over at my place for the first time. I left him in the bedroom for a couple of minutes while I used the toilet, and when I came back, he was holding my vibrator. He angrily asked me, "What the hell is this? You know this is cheating, right?" FML

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By Flabbergasted - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of two years has been having an affair with another woman. He works with me and the woman also works in the same company. She is also married and is now 6 months pregnant. They are throwing a baby shower for her on Monday. FML

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By justno

Today, my best friend of 10 years blocked me for no reason. When I went to her house to ask why she did it and apologize for whatever it was, she told me to kill myself and slammed the door. I still don't know what I did. FML

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By SadOral

Today, my wife fell asleep. I was giving her head at the time. Her snoring gave it away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met with a friend who had gained some weight since I saw him last. After a friendly hug, I put my hand on his new man boob and, without thinking, left it there way too long. I realized that I was groping him and, in a panic, did the only thing I could think of. I patted it. Twice. FML

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By mrricecakes - United States - Gilbert

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. Let's just say pubes and toilet paper residue were the least of my problems. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on my first day of a new factory job, I discovered that my new boss had lied to me about my hours. I found this out when my coworkers burst out laughing when I mentioned having the weekends off, and talking about my recreational plans. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Norwalk

Today, my thirteen-year-old daughter tried to scratch the freckles off of her face. We ended up going to the hospital. FML

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By CROCKIN5150 - United States

Today, while out for a jog, I noticed that you never know how fast you run until you're being followed by someone in a car you don't know, and they're continuously honking at you. I later found out it my dad in his new car. FML

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By mrdentist

Today, I was cleaning one of my elderly patient's teeth. After finishing and reminding her to floss, I realised she had died. Supposedly she was dead for a good 20 minutes. FML

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By Tim - United States

Today, my mom had a baby shower. When it was over I walked around cleaning up the trash, when I saw a card sitting on the table with a note to my mom saying "better luck with this one." At the moment I am an only child, and the card was signed from my grandmother. FML

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By shelby124 - United States - York

Today, I realized why it's not a good idea to sleep with your boyfriend when he still lives with his mom. She may walk in, make you get dressed, and demand what you have to say for yourself. Trust me, "Your son is good at sex" is not the right answer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while snow plowing I accidentally ran over my kid's basketball. I told him what had happened and he responded by spilling his ant farm into my underwear drawer. FML

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By TheEnglishOne - United States

Today, in class, I asked my teacher for a "rubber". I didn't realise that in America "rubber" doesn't mean "eraser", it means condom. FML

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By Anonymous

Boring FML

Today, my wife of seven years told me she wants a divorce because I'm boring. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Harrow

Today, my shoes were rubbing against my heel so much that one heel started to bleed. Not having any plasters, I stuffed some tissue down my shoe. When I walked off the train, a wad of blood-stained tissue fell out the back of my shoe. The guy behind me didn't think it came from my shoe. FML

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By dawn - Canada - Red Deer

Today, I realized that whenever I use emoticons, I tend to make the same face in real life. My coworkers gleefully showed me various pictures with my tongue out, face scrunched up, and so on, while staring at my phone. They've already made their way around the office. FML

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By danyelicindereli - United States

Today, I was standing around looking out the window at work when it became really dark and windy and started to pour. I watched a shopping cart fly across the parking lot thinking how funny it'd be if it hit someone's car. It hit mine. I need a new headlight. FML

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By that one anon - United States - San Diego

Today, I called one of my old coworkers to see how she was doing. My boyfriend answered the phone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salem

Today, I asked my class of fifth graders to write down a list of all the compound words they knew. At least four of them put down 'motherfucker'. FML

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Top comments

By mewzik | 0

#142754 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:23

YDI
did he give you a ticket or was he too busy gagging?

By ramdoodle45 | 0

#142786 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:28

well if he was gagging, i bet you're one of those girls who's really ugly but acts bitchy like she's hot. but on the bright side, this isn't really FML because your ugliness gave him nausea so you didn't get a ticket so congrats, YDI.

COMMENTS

By mewzik | 0

#142754 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:23

YDI
did he give you a ticket or was he too busy gagging?

Reply

hundredsofhawks | 0

#525835 - Sunday 30 August 2009 6:20

YDI for being ugly.

Reply

redsox4021 | 0

#976745 - Friday 9 April 2010 6:53

you deserve it 4 being ugly, fat, and not staying in the kitchen

Reply

InstantRanbowMix | 0

#4216506 - Monday 26 March 2012 5:37

Maybe the cop was gay

Reply

MissSatan | 16

#6023048 - Wednesday 30 July 2014 5:10

Well I guess OP distracting him with her ugly works just as well

By Dashiell | 0

#142762 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:25

>_<

Seriously

Reply

Thabb | 0

#1015863 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 22:31

I absolutely hate women who think cops will let them off if they're good looking.

Reply

Thabb | 0

#1015864 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 22:33

And to my own comment, that's the reason why everyone thinks women are bad drivers. They sieve bad and don't care because they think the cops will let them off for their looks. So in some senses, that is a true stereotype.

By Endymion_fml | 0

#142765 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:25

Serves you right.

By log1k | 3

#142769 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:26

ur not hot enough to pull it off obviously.. or the cop is gay.

By Daysgoby | 0

#142780 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:28

you dirty girl ;) Maybe he'll die from vomiting too much AND THAT'S WHEN YOU RUN

By ejvlols | 0

#142782 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:28

ugly ho.
lol YDI 4 being an ugly slut

By ramdoodle45 | 0

#142786 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:28

well if he was gagging, i bet you're one of those girls who's really ugly but acts bitchy like she's hot. but on the bright side, this isn't really FML because your ugliness gave him nausea so you didn't get a ticket so congrats, YDI.

Reply

sammichbitch | 0

#821043 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 7:15

I hate those bitches

By AnnaSeptic | 0

#142787 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:28

Hahaha. Nice. You fail.

By Frlf | 0

#142796 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:29

Well, wao.
...

By 24788 | 6

#142798 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:30

I need to start pulling over women. I hear they'll do anything to get out of a ticket, but I don't want to be a cop. :(

Hopefully you don't get attempted murder for making the cop gag and choke to death.