Transportation: Today, I got pulled over for speeding. I started fixing my hair... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got pulled over for speeding. I started fixing my hair and unbuttoning a couple of buttons on my shirt, hoping the policeman would let me off with a warning. When he got to the car, he rolled his eyes and muttered something under his breath. I saw him walk back to the cop car gagging. FML

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Instadrama

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Toxic parents

By huh? - 23/6/2020 05:02

No kidding

Today, I was ecstatic that the pregnancy test I took was negative. I went to high five my boyfriend as I told him the good news. Apparently, it’s monstrous, unladylike and weird for a woman to not want children. When I pointed out he doesn’t want kids either, he said, "That’s normal for guys." FML

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By Ataraxia - United States

Today, I woke up to the realization that the 2-hour nap I wanted to take before I went out with my friends last night was actually a 12-hour nap. I missed everything. FML

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By policeopenup - United States

Today, my girlfriend threw me on the couch as I walked in the door. I butt dialed my mom in the process. My girlfriend took off my pants and we got to business. After about 30 seconds of hearing what was going on, my mom thought something was wrong and called the cops to my apartment. FML

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By CriminalMistake - United States

Today, I was leaving a campus parking garage. Suddenly, a huge man appeared behind me and kept saying "HEY!" "STOP!" In a gruff voice. I picked up my pace and so did he. I finally turned to him with a can of mace and threatened to use it. He was trying to return the $5 bill I dropped. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was docked and fined in my dorm building because of multiple noise complaints. What was I doing that was so noisy? I slipped in the shower and banged my head against the floor. Then when I reached for the towel rack to pull myself up, it broke and I slammed my wrist onto the ground. FML

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By Nicky13Na

Today, I hit the six-year mark for daily vomiting. All the doctor can say is that it's psychological. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was brutally run over by a man in a wheelchair. FML

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By Public Indecency

Today, after some cajoling, I finally posed naked for my long-term partner and his Polaroid camera. After saying he would cherish the intimate snapshots forever, he almost immediately forgot them on a crowded bus. FML

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By ScarletBuckeye

Today, I didn't want to get sand in my shoes. So I walked down to the beach barefoot. The sand was so hot that it burned the soles of my feet. I now have blisters across the bottom of my feet and between my toes. But at least there's no sand in my shoes. FML

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By [email protected]

Today, though it’s been a month since I removed the plaster from my wrist, it still stinks of feet. FML

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By ohgodwhy - United States

Today, my school voted for a Pokémon theme for this year's homecoming. FML

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By anyomous - United States

Today, I bought tickets for my friends and me to go to a concert. While I was in the shower, they ditched me and took my girlfriend. FML

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By Kiki - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out that my brother buys audiobooks only to play them on "mute" so that he can tell everyone that he read them later and flaunt the proof. The rest of my family think he is a genius for reading War and Peace in two days and won't listen to me. FML

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By Stuck - United States

Today, I heard on a TV show that it's possible to fit a standard light-bulb in your mouth, but it can't be removed afterwards. I just had to try this out. And then visit the local hospital to get it removed. FML

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By JJLight - United States - Camarillo

Today, I invited my boyfriend to come to an event to meet some of my friends for the first time. I had been raving about him for weeks, and everyone was curious to meet this "amazing guy" I'd been dating. He showed up in a Darth Vader costume because he thought it would be funny to embarrass me. FML

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By Miss Blairgowrie - Australia - Fairfield

Today, I got my retainer fitted. It stimulates my gag reflex so badly that I gag every time I try so say anything with a 'P' in it. My orthodontist laughed and suggested I get a thesaurus. FML

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By meantowheels - United States

Today, while walking in the mall, I had two people race past me in wheelchairs. Thinking they were racing, I started rooting for the one guy that was ahead. Turns out his wheelchair was malfunctioning and the other was chasing after to help. He then slammed and fell into the water fountain. FML

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By daughter in law - United States

Today, my husband and I finally had the house to ourselves, so we had unusually loud sex. Banging bed, yelling obscenities, super rowdy, etc. I then see my mother-in-law out the window. She had let herself in, dropped off a bag and apparently ran out. Thanksgiving is going to be weird. FML

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By Ali - United States - Kailua Kona

Today, I packed all my clothes in a black garbage bag, so I could easily move them to my new house. When I came back outside to load it into my car, the bag was missing, and all I could see was a garbage truck driving away with the week's trash. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Milford

Today, I woke up hungover and with $13 stuffed in my bra. I'm not a stripper, and I'm not sure how it got there, but that's the most money I've had on me in weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Leandro

Today, after months of taking care of my grandma after a surgery, the doctors gave her a clean bill of health and I finally got to sleep in my own bed. She passed away while I was at home. FML

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By FML - Syrian Arab Republic

Today, my long-distance boyfriend came to visit. We went to a cafe where I managed to lock myself in the toilet, breaking the key. I then had to wait for them to break down the door. I came out to applause from everyone, who had been laughing at me for 25 minutes. FML

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By Oops - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I accidentally spilled red wine on my cat. She ran away and licked the wine off before I had a chance to clean her. My mother is deeply concerned our cat is dying. I'm trying to tell her to wait 24 hours before taking her to the vet's, simply because I think my cat is hung over. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my car heater finally died. I deliver pizzas. In Alaska. FML

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By sparklethelette - United States

Today, I put a blue toilet cleaner square in the back of toilet. My fiancé called me later on freaking out because he couldn't get the "blue water to go away" when he flushed. FML

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By cl4ptp - United Kingdom - Barry

Today, after sex, my boyfriend and I lay in bed for a couple of hours just chatting. This would have been lovely. However, his topic of choice for post-coital pillow talk was his theory about how Chewbacca is secretly the leader of the Rebel Alliance. It actually made sense. FML

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By nude - United States

Today, I woke up in my boyfriend's dorm and decided to take a shower before he woke up. I used the girls bathroom on the above floor, and afterwards just threw on a towel and ran to the elevator. I forgot to press my boyfriend's floor and I was taken to the lobby in a towel. People were waiting. FML

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By Unemployed

Today, I found out that after three years of telling my boss our strategy wasn't going to work, that I was right - it didn't work. I also found out that because it didn't work, I lost my job. My boss still has his. FML

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By deflower - United States - Huntington Beach

Today, my mother burst into tears and hysterics when she found out my fiancée and I were not "pure" for our upcoming wedding. I'm 28, she's 27, and we've lived together for four years. FML

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By spoony - Australia

Today, while on a date with the guy of my dreams, I cut my tongue so bad it bled for an hour. I managed to cut it on the plastic spoon from my coffee. FML

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By Getmeout - United States - Hartfield

Today, while sitting in my Forensic Psychology class, my professor listed all of the main traits that indicate someone may very well be a sociopath. Every single trait described my fiancé perfectly. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Croydon

Today, I was babysitting this 12 year old. We were watching a movie, and he was being an angel just laying with his head in my lap. He fell asleep so I closed my eyes and had a little nap. When I woke up he had taken my shirt off and was feeling up my boobs. FML

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By fmlguy382 - United States

Today, I was complimented on how big my penis was. I was complimented by the guy peeing next to me in the men's restroom at McDonald's. FML

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By Markeesha - United States - Eaton

What happens in Vegas doesn't stay there?

Today, I got a letter from the state that I'm being divorced. I've never been married. FML

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By Michael - Australia

Today, my 4 year old daughter was ripping out photos of the family photo book, I asked her why she was doing it she answered, "I saw mummy doing it to another book." The only other family photo book was the day we got married. FML

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By lovefool - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of a year dumped me by text. It's also the day that the birthday present I ordered for him was finally processed and shipped, meaning I can't cancel and get my money back. FML

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By KBBL - Canada - Edmonton

Today, at a staff meeting, our boss sighed and asked why I'm always in the meetings instead of my co-worker. I reminded him that it's because I'm the department supervisor, not my co-worker. He wouldn't believe me until he saw it for himself in our personnel files. FML

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By big_bail - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out I wasn't invited to the annual family reunion. The reason? Everyone thinks I'm "creepy" because I'm the only adult who will go out and play with the kids. FML

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By anyoldnamewilldo - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I wore what I thought was a hideous sweater from the thrift store for an ugly sweater contest. I've gotten more compliments on it than anything else I've ever worn. I can't even succeed at failure. FML

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By Isabelle18 - Canada

Today, I was walking to work when I saw an empty pop can. Angry at whoever left it, I kicked it out of the way. Turns out it wasn't empty; it was filled with hornets. I had to run 2km to work while being attacked by a giant swarm of wasps. FML

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Top comments

By mewzik | 0

#142754 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:23

YDI
did he give you a ticket or was he too busy gagging?

By ramdoodle45 | 0

#142786 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:28

well if he was gagging, i bet you're one of those girls who's really ugly but acts bitchy like she's hot. but on the bright side, this isn't really FML because your ugliness gave him nausea so you didn't get a ticket so congrats, YDI.

COMMENTS

By mewzik | 0

#142754 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:23

YDI
did he give you a ticket or was he too busy gagging?

Reply

hundredsofhawks | 0

#525835 - Sunday 30 August 2009 6:20

YDI for being ugly.

Reply

redsox4021 | 0

#976745 - Friday 9 April 2010 6:53

you deserve it 4 being ugly, fat, and not staying in the kitchen

Reply

InstantRanbowMix | 0

#4216506 - Monday 26 March 2012 5:37

Maybe the cop was gay

Reply

MissSatan | 16

#6023048 - Wednesday 30 July 2014 5:10

Well I guess OP distracting him with her ugly works just as well

By Dashiell | 0

#142762 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:25

>_<

Seriously

Reply

Thabb | 0

#1015863 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 22:31

I absolutely hate women who think cops will let them off if they're good looking.

Reply

Thabb | 0

#1015864 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 22:33

And to my own comment, that's the reason why everyone thinks women are bad drivers. They sieve bad and don't care because they think the cops will let them off for their looks. So in some senses, that is a true stereotype.

By Endymion_fml | 0

#142765 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:25

Serves you right.

By log1k | 3

#142769 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:26

ur not hot enough to pull it off obviously.. or the cop is gay.

By Daysgoby | 0

#142780 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:28

you dirty girl ;) Maybe he'll die from vomiting too much AND THAT'S WHEN YOU RUN

By ejvlols | 0

#142782 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:28

ugly ho.
lol YDI 4 being an ugly slut

By ramdoodle45 | 0

#142786 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:28

well if he was gagging, i bet you're one of those girls who's really ugly but acts bitchy like she's hot. but on the bright side, this isn't really FML because your ugliness gave him nausea so you didn't get a ticket so congrats, YDI.

Reply

sammichbitch | 0

#821043 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 7:15

I hate those bitches

By AnnaSeptic | 0

#142787 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:28

Hahaha. Nice. You fail.

By Frlf | 0

#142796 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:29

Well, wao.
...

By 24788 | 6

#142798 - Saturday 25 April 2009 23:30

I need to start pulling over women. I hear they'll do anything to get out of a ticket, but I don't want to be a cop. :(

Hopefully you don't get attempted murder for making the cop gag and choke to death.