By Anonymous - 21/8/2020 02:03

Explain that one

Today, I was eating dinner with my husband and his family. My father-in-law says to my mother-in-law, "You know what’s in your mouth? Sausage!" It was so random that I laughed, as quietly as I could. My husband then loudly asked me what was so funny. Everyone went quiet and looked at me. FML

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Triage

Pick me!

In my day…

By panther of the desert - Puerto Rico - Rio Grande

Today, I was to have an important phone interview for a job. I got a call and everything went perfectly, and they said I was hired. Later, I found out that one of my "friends" had gotten one of his buddies to prank call me and make sure the line was engaged when the real interviewer called. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Compassion? Pah!

Today, my boyfriend woke up to me crying. He asked what was wrong, but before I could answer, he'd already rolled over and started snoring louder than ever, making the migraine I was crying about even worse. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I got pulled over for going a few miles per hour over the speed limit. The cop asked for my license and registration. I happened to look down at my wallet while he was processing everything and saw my license in my wallet. I gave the cop my fake I.D. FML

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By w00tz - Canada

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me over the phone. He said there was someone else, and that he has been in love with her for a while. Turns out, the new girl was his online video game character. I got dumped for a video game. FML

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By Anonymous

Class act

Today, after 5 years, an engagement, and me being 5 months pregnant, my boyfriend downloaded Tinder again. 2020 is really great. FML

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By C2 - Australia

Today, at a party, I watched the guy I've liked for AGES come out of a bedroom with one of my gay male friends. They were in there for a while. FML

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By loganHchrist - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. They thought it would be funny to pretend that they're nudists. FML

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By gross. - United States - Greenville

Today, my friend made me go on a carnival ride. The whole time, I complained that I was going to puke. I didn't, though. She did, all over me. FML

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By larry_richard - United States

April Fool

Today, I was told an assignment that was supposed to be due in a week and a half is due today. I crammed all night and ended up getting 3 hours of sleep. Turns out it was an April Fool's prank. FML

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By GymBattle - United States

Today, while I was working out, I was listening to music with my earbuds in. The Pokémon theme started playing and I begun singing along. It wasn't too long after that I remembered I was in a crowded gym on a military base. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my neighbor declared his love for me via "the medium of interpretative dance." FML

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By Innocent - New Zealand

Today, someone drove into my car at an intersection and drove off. Luckily, I got the car's registration plate and called the cops on them. Turns out, it was my boyfriend's brother's girlfriend, who was illegally driving without a license. Now everyone's mad at me for getting her in trouble. FML

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By R - United Kingdom

Today, at work we were gathered to be told some bad news. One of our colleagues would be taking indefinite leave because his wife had dropped their newborn baby. I accidentally laughed at the image. FML

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By Ouch - 18/1/2021 08:02

Fragile

Today, I'm 3 days post-partum and my husband accidentally jabbed into my side while flopping onto the couch. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I hurt my jaw after I got hit by a car. While receiving medical attention, the paramedic accidentally punched me in the face. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I went to the dentist. My dentist kept talking to me while his hands were in my mouth. I attempted to tell him that it was difficult and dangerous to respond. My talking made him slip and slice my mouth open with one of his instruments. FML

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By Whoops - United States

Today, while driving with my three year old, I was showing her the different kinds of birds. I pointed out a bright red cardinal perched in a row of hedges. She squealed as it took flight, so happy to see such a brightly colored birdie fly. Until it hit my windshield. FML

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By lonely - United States

Today, the Jehovah's Witnesses were at my door. Normally I don't give them the time of day, but I was so lonely for company, I let them in. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a first aid training course. I had to lie on the floor and pretend I was unconscious. We were supposed to be doing the recovery position, but the guy I was working with decided to perform CPR instead and grope my boobs in the process. FML

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By Bella - United States - Sanford

Today, my boyfriend yet again decided to act like Edward Cullen from Twilight, and got his friend to act like Jacob. Every time they're around, my boyfriend always looks stoned and constipated, and his friend is shirtless. I feel like I'm in a shitty romance movie. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I still can't get my ex out of my house. It's been a year and he, "refuses to give up on something special." FML

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By comphone - France

Today, I went to work 300 miles away from where I live. I couldn't find my customer's address, so I decided to call him. I'd picked up my wireless house phone instead of my mobile. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I'm pregnant, my mom came over to do some nice things for me, such as clean my kitchen and cook a large pot of my favorite soup. When she left, I took a nap, planning to eat later. I woke up to find my roommates had trashed my kitchen and eaten all my soup. FML

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By failingdaily - New Zealand - Paraparaumu

Today, I went on Facebook, only to see my grandpa had posted "feeling horny" with my grandma. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, my doctor called with my test results, which seem to tell him that there's absolutely nothing wrong with me. I'm still sitting here with an appendage that I'd swear was dispensing napalm, but now I have a $500 bill to go with it. FML

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By nano123

Played yourself

Today, I gave myself a hickey on my bicep just to know how it feels. I'm a 28-year-old virgin and yes, that's possible. FML

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By xoxoblondee - United States - Valley Village

Today, I learned the hard way why no matter how constipated you are, it is never a good idea to use a suppository when you are tired. FML

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By Faker - United States

Today, while shopping, an old man came up to me and told me I should be ashamed for walking around fake limping, and that it's horrible to mock people who actually limp from serious injuries. I wasn't faking, I was born without my right leg and I was getting used to my new prosthetic one. FML

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By "Alittlebitiffy"

Today, my husband insists he'll be able to make a career out of playing League of Legends. He says this with only $4 in our bank account because of his last brilliant career move. FML

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By CH - United States

Today, I pretended to smoke a bread stick that looked like a cigar. It made me feel cool. FML

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By Asirual - United States

Checks out

Today, while handing out business cards to promote my new dog grooming business, I stopped to talk to a potential client. She let me get all the way through my 15-minute speech, before bothering to tell me she didn't have a dog. FML

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By Steven - United Kingdom - Llanelli

Judgmental much?

Today, at a supermarket, I ran into a girl I knew in high school. She had 2 kids with her and they were buying school supplies. My cart was full of beer and snacks. After a chat, she left, not before saying, "I hope things get better for you." I have a job and a girlfriend. FML

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By I have Flashbacks Now - United States - Woonsocket

Today, while going to the mall, I witnessed the horror of someone sneezing and shitting themselves at the same time. FML

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By scaredshitless - United States

Today, I was taking a serious shit when the light bulb burned out. I am terrified of the dark and began wailing and crying. My mom had to pick the lock and get me out. I'm a 17 year old guy and captain of the Varsity football team. My little brother recorded it and plans on showing everyone. FML

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By targe - Australia

Today, after a stressful series of events, I went to the beach to unwind. I sat on the sand, breathed in deeply and closed my eyes, trying to find some sort of inner peace. Then a seagull shat on me. FML

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By fuckfuck - United States - Fort Smith

Today, on my first day at my new job delivering mail, I was yelled at by a guy, who threatened to shoot me if I "trespassed" on his property. He made me toss his mail toward his porch from the street, before telling me to get lost. FML

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By Makeitdance - United States - Pleasanton

Today, a customer asked me how long our 6-inch sandwich was. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2021 21:30 - United States

Outcast

Today, while looking through the newspaper, I saw that my sister got married a couple weeks ago. Not only did she not invite me, she "forgot" to mention it yesterday while we were having lunch. FML

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By Canceled Wedding

Today, I found out that because we made a mistake and applied for the wrong visa first, my fiancé probably can't fly into America to attend his own wedding. FML

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By grounded4life - United States

Today, I tried to make my mom feel better about me leaving for camp for 2 weeks by saying I wish she would come too. She took me seriously and called the camp and is now a camp counselor there. The only problem is I lied about going to the camp, and I'm really going to my boyfriend's lake house. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7932637 - Friday 21 August 2020 2:25

You should have stared them all down and said "Your dad is talking about blowjobs!"

Call their bluff!

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7932643 - Friday 21 August 2020 3:59

"I'm laughing at people who think Robert Pattinson will make a good Batman."

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7932637 - Friday 21 August 2020 2:25

You should have stared them all down and said "Your dad is talking about blowjobs!"

Call their bluff!

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7932643 - Friday 21 August 2020 3:59

"I'm laughing at people who think Robert Pattinson will make a good Batman."

Reply

RichardPencil | 30

#7932662 - Friday 21 August 2020 5:19

I was hoping for Danny DeVito.

Reply

JackFaire | 27

#7932931 - Saturday 22 August 2020 5:33

"And I laughed at the people who thought Michael Keaton would and Christian Bale and oh I'm sensing a pattern"

Reply

Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7933342 - Sunday 23 August 2020 21:38

Don't forget Ben Affleck! And George Clooney, who hated playing the part lol

By millsjoshua949 | 12

#7932804 - Friday 21 August 2020 17:59

So answer the question. Not sure why that's a problem. ydi

By coute21 | 6

#7932852 - Friday 21 August 2020 20:46

So... you could explain it to us: "It was so random that I laughed", but you couldn't just... say that when asked?

Reply

JackFaire | 27

#7932932 - Saturday 22 August 2020 5:34

I think it's that moment you realize you have to explain a dirty joke your husband's dad made to your husband who should have gotten it.

By Jill Marie Peters | 12

#7933315 - Sunday 23 August 2020 20:06

My question is: Why would FIL say such a thing to his wife? WTF?