Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. It was going well until she started talking dirty, saying stuff like, "You like my tushy, baby?" "I want to fellate you so bad," and "You'll need some ice after this one." My boner practically retracted into my body. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my girlfriend came over to my house. Hoping to get a little action, I started to make out with her. Unfortunately I was wearing basketball shorts so when I got an erection, all she did was bat it back forth like a cat toy. FML
Today, while having sex, my fiancé started talking dirty. I enjoyed it, until he had a brain fart and said, "God, you love fucking my pussy." FML
Today, my normally-prudish girlfriend grabbed my crotch and said, "I want you to fuck me like I've never been fucked." I obliged. She loved it, until after we'd finished, when she decided that she felt "cheap, gross, and used" and started a huge fight. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting frisky, and I whispered that I love him. He immediately lost his boner, and a few minutes later "remembered" he had to be somewhere else. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. She was on top, and then stopped, got off, and said, "Let's go get ice cream." I think this was her way of telling me I suck at sex. FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. When she went to give me a blow job, I got embarrassed and told her I'd rather just please her instead. Now she thinks she's inadequate and I'm being a jerk. FML
Today, while getting it on with my wife, I started to talk dirty to her. She started laughing. When I asked her if she wanted me to stop, she just kept on laughing. FML
Today, I was making out with my girlfriend, and things started getting pretty hot. That is, until I tried to remove her shirt. Somehow, I managed to grab her pajama shorts and give her a violent wedgie. FML
Today, things got pretty steamy between my boyfriend and me. We started doing stuff that neither of us had tried before. Then, he straddled me with a raging erection and boomed, "IT HAS RISEN!" He didn't understand why I was suddenly no longer in the mood. FML
Today, as my wife and I were getting intimate, I thought I would try a little "dirty talk". I whispered in her ear that I would "dick her down good". She couldn't stop laughing. FML
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Top comments
Glitterhinoceros 14
Yeah, that's not very attractive >.>
GrooveTurtle 0
She be trollin?
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Comments (308)
Elijah69 0
What's wrong with you boy?! I about came just reading this. She said tushy?! She must intend to use it to burn your dick for the ice requirement. A girl witha nasty vocabulary is hard to come by.
Hammer01 8
What the hell is wrong with you???? That is SEXY.
ohSNAPyall 27
"You'll need some ice, ice, baby."
BrysGirl27 14
Haha WTF?? Who even says tushy now adays?? D: haha did you need ice after??;P
zues70 4
Been there...hate that!
BrewCityMatt 5
I agree, very "G" rated dirty talk. I'd have a hard time holding the laughter back. Also why would you need ice?? Was she planning to give you a colonoscopy?
dsypher 0
Once I'm ready to go, she could say she was gonna kill me and my boner wouldn't retract. I gotta finish the job lol
Jessnoel86 0
Tushy? O_0
Levvy 22
Countries with low birth rates just need to institute a licensing program for the privilege to talk dirty. I guarantee it'd drive the pace of reproduction up.
jaimedenise 0
Hahahahahahah!!