Today, I got an alarm installed in my car, and was having problems...

By md - 25/11/2009 04:08 - Canada

Today, I got an alarm installed in my car, and was having problems with it not going off when the car was hit. To demonstrate this to the installers, I bumped my car with my hip, which left a dent, and set the alarm off. FML

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Transportation

NRA fanboy

How's your hovel?

Buzzing the tower

By Anonymous - 9/9/2018 14:30

Today, based on recent x-rays, I have the right knee of a 60-year-old, the left knee of a 70-year-old, and the right hip joint of a 100-year-old who's been dead for 15 years. I'm only 19 years old and my doctor says I'm gonna need two walking sticks by the time I'm 25. FML

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By Noname - 2/2/2009 04:31 - United States

Today, I was looking after my parents house and their wiener dog, and fell asleep on the couch. The dog climbed onto my shoulders and rested behind my head like a doggie neck pillow. All was great until she farted right in my left ear. FML

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By kana__ - 21/1/2015 16:26 - Japan

Today, my sister got her retouched wedding photos. Apparently one of the things she had the professional do was edit me out of them. FML

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By Goldar - 10/4/2013 02:44 - United States

Today, thinking I was alone at work, I did an impression of Goldar from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I turned around to find out I wasn't alone; a cute girl was staring at me, unimpressed. FML

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By Teiu88 - 20/10/2013 14:34 - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I realized how bad my OCD is when I accidentally got a paper cut and I was annoyed by the fact that the cut wasn't in a straight line. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2010 16:55 - United States

Today, I started my first day of work. I was told to absorb everything going on and to get used to the high-paced flow of things. I've been sitting at my desk for two hours now, and the office has been empty since I've walked in. FML

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By Jared - 1/1/2009 08:49 - France

Today, and for the last 8 months my upstairs neighbours have been making a tremendous noise. I finally decided to go up to complain: "The amount of noise you make is unbelievable ! It sounds like you're driving tractors up here!". The woman replies: "My husband is paraplegic..." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2009 00:02 - United States

Today, my mom went snooping through my art bin to "clean out my old drawings". She found numerous nude pieces and accused me of selling porn. My mom mistook and threw out 57 anatomy practice sketches that I worked very very hard on, and ripped up the remainder of my drawings. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2010 18:19 - United States

Today, I found out my dad spent most of the $500 I earned from mowing lawns on an Xbox 360 for himself. He was the one who encouraged me to put the money in the bank for college and to learn responsibility. I'm 14 years old. He's 37. FML

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By jenpearl - 20/6/2015 01:06 - Australia

Today, I decided to do naked yoga in my lounge room, as I always do. Later, I found a note on my front door saying "Keep doing what you're doing". FML

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By justpeachy - 8/3/2010 20:27 - United States

Today, I was invited by my boyfriend's parents for dinner at their house. The dinner went well I thought, until I was getting ready to leave. Before I could make it out the front door, I could hear them discussing their disappointment that their son would ever consider someone like me. FML

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By StupidPets - 24/8/2016 03:09 - United States - Murrysville

Today, I saw my new pet fish completely missing the food at the bottom of his tank and sucking up the little rocks instead. My last dog died from eating rocks. I think I'm doomed to have insanely stupid pets. FML

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By Alyce - 10/10/2020 17:01 - United States - Lewistown

Surrounded

Today, my significant other woke at 4:30 a.m. to me crying about a spider in the bathroom. I have an intense fear of spiders; he was super nice and took care of it for me. He even walked me out to my car. I started to calm down driving to work, but when I got there what do I see on the door handle but a spider. I'm still shaking. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2015 13:34

Today, I was reading comments on an FML, and saw some made from my girlfriend's account. Now I know she's one of those people who say "Dump him!" even when the situation clearly doesn't warrant dumping. Looks like I might be in for a sudden breakup in the future. FML

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By Naulwenn - 23/6/2016 04:25 - France - Groslay

Today, my divorced parents have started sending each other photos of both of my bedrooms, to, “compare the shambles and see who wins.“ FML

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By hickhick - 7/7/2019 04:00

Today, I went to the doctor's office for a regular check up. They found "odd red marks" on the inside of my thighs. They started to think it might be a skin disease, so I had to explain to my mother and the doctor that it was hickeys from my boyfriend. FML

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By no cake for me - 7/11/2012 07:31 - United States - Jackson Heights

Today, my best friend told me that I wasn't invited to her wedding, saying that I was too pretty and that I would outshine her at the ceremony. I laughed and said that she was being ridiculous. She eventually confessed the real reason why I wasn't invited: apparently I'm an annoying bitch. FML

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By ZaraAce - 15/4/2011 11:38 - United Kingdom

Today, my husband of 30 years told me that he thought we should 'just be friends'. FML

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By karmafails - 1/5/2012 16:17 - United Kingdom - Addlestone

Today, I was at the supermarket when I saw an elderly lady slip on a wet patch of floor. I ran over to help, and I almost fell too before steadying myself. Then some pimply cockmunch of a teen decided to kick my legs out from under me and walk away while laughing his balls off. FML

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By Theaccident - 22/1/2011 10:03 - Australia

The truth

Today, my mum told me how I was only here because my dad couldn't pull out in time. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2014 02:36 - United States - Rockland

Today, I accidentally ripped out my boyfriend's insulin pump while trying to give him a lapdance. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2009 02:17 - United States

Today, my mom admitted that her story about my dad leaving us for his current wife was a lie. He left when he caught her with a coworker. She blocked his number and got a restraining order to keep him from telling his side of the story. I haven't talked to my dad for six years because of this. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2009 15:09 - United States

Today, I met a girl at a bar. After buying her a few drinks, we decided to head back to her place. Not wanting to leave either of our cars, I followed her home. While driving, she sent me text because she missed her exit. I tried to text her back something witty and instead rear ended her. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2012 09:45 - Canada - Thompson

Today, at a concert, I got into a fight with a man in a banana suit. FML

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By AnRom - 17/12/2009 09:58 - United States

Today, I spent five minutes trying to kill a spider with my mind. FML

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By KitKat20 - 18/10/2016 13:05 - United States - Fargo

Today, I got up early for a doctor's appointment and chugged two cups of coffee. Ten minutes before I was supposed to leave, my doctor calls asking to reschedule, which would have been fine had I not cleared my whole day for this appointment. Now I'm too wired to go back to bed. FML

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By burgerpants - 8/5/2018 19:30 - United States - Stamford

Today, I was feeling down so I thought I'd order a burger to cheer myself up. The website I ordered from featured Instagram pics of their customers. My ex and the guy she cheated on me with were front and center. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2016 12:11 - United Kingdom - Pontypool

Today, my grandmother yet again asked where my grandfather is. She refuses to believe us when we tell her that he passed away 6 years ago. She always insists that he's out cheating on her and accuses us of lying to cover his arse. FML

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By Caitlin - 10/6/2010 00:46 - United States

Today, I had to drive 300 miles to a town where I thought I'd forgotten my purse the night before. When I got to the hotel I had been staying at, I found out it was actually in the trunk of my car. FML

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By BlueSteele220 - 29/7/2020 17:01

Too late

Today, someone stole a package off my doorstep. Too bad, it was the video doorbell to prevent my packages from being stolen. FML

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By Anon - 14/4/2016 22:23 - United States

Today, I shattered my iPhone screen. Pieces of glass are chipping out and can easily slice up any idiot who slides their finger across the screen. Unfortunately, I was that idiot. There's blood in the cracks of my screen. FML

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By JessBaby - 4/5/2009 20:44 - United States

Today, I found out my grandmother passed away. When I told my boyfriend I began to cry. Instead of caring, he said "you're getting my bed wet," rolled over, and fell asleep. FML

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By P DarklyKira - 6/5/2020 17:00

Broken bum

Today, marks the 29th day since I missed my haemorrhoid surgery. They told me to wait because it's not life threatening and so that I don't get the virus going to the hospital, which I understand. The problem is, even though I take suppositories, it hurts badly and bleed each time I have to take a shit. FML

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By Prodigy - 11/2/2010 14:07 - United States

Today, I ran into a former college classmate at Subway. He gushed on and on about how I was the only one in our class with true potential. Then I asked him what kind of sandwich he wanted, because 3 years out of college, Subway is still the only place that will hire a music major. FML

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By MitchFail - 23/7/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, in the midst of foreplay, this girl tells me I am so hot, I respond "Ditto." She heatedly responds "I love ditto," to which I suavely reply "I didn't know you were into Pokémon. That may make you even sexier." She knows nothing about Pokémon, but I sure know how to kill the mood. FML

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By prettyinpurple - 10/2/2009 04:54 - United States

Today, I was in a car accident. After screaming at the woman for running into me, I got in my car and drove off. As I was driving away, I was staring her down when I ended up rear ending the person in front of me. FML

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By DrumrollPlease - 13/7/2016 07:50 - United Kingdom - Banbury

Today, my phone autocorrected "with chills" to "with child" in the middle of a message, and I didn't notice until I was contacted several hours later by a panicking friend. My gastric flu is now rumoured to have been morning sickness, all because I can't proofread. FML

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By Chris21 - 11/9/2019 22:04 - United Kingdom - Bolton

Fast Cars

Today, a drunk driver totalled my new Audi. Who was the drunk driver? My dad. FML

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By frustrated - 5/8/2009 20:30 - Ireland

Today, my brother deleted all traces of the novel I've been working on for three years from my laptop. The reason? When I was born I "stole all of Mum and Dad's attention." He's 24. FML

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By jflac - 24/12/2014 12:03 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I found out the person who's been stalking and harassing me online was actually my now ex-boyfriend. He only confessed as I finally picked up the phone to report it to the police. He basically said he wanted me to turn to him for comfort and protection, so he could "feel like a man". FML

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Top comments

By betamaxjim92 | 0

#687322 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 12:36

you dented your car with your hip? you have a concrete ass or somethin?

By badbunny | 0

#687237 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 9:59

you must be wide bottomed.

COMMENTS

By akiranozaki | 0

#687220 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 9:23

On the bright side, the alarm's working!

hackymeal | 0

#981777 - Monday 19 April 2010 13:51

I am IronMan!!!!!! lolz

By badbunny | 0

#687237 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 9:59

you must be wide bottomed.

reiyu | 0

#839031 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 22:00

yea, you deserve it for denting the junk in your trunk with the junk in your trunk.

By katherinebby17 | 28

#687276 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 11:15

just get it fixed i don't think it'll cost too much

By nokillnobeepbeep | 0

#687284 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 11:27

Someone needs to staple the "Wide Load" sign to your ass. And install some bumpers while you are at it.

aeloata2 | 0

#3138709 - Friday 19 August 2011 11:55

LOL

By betamaxjim92 | 0

#687322 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 12:36

you dented your car with your hip? you have a concrete ass or somethin?

By chakrabs | 0

#687345 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 12:49

Are you the bionic woman or something? How do you leave a dent with your hip?

By Jenmaree | 9

#687354 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 12:54

YDI for getting a car alarm. All they do is go off for no reason in the middle of the night and keep people awake.

Dixie_Normous | 0

#687361 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 13:00

My thoughts exactly.

By chickchick_fml | 0

#687368 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 13:03

Why in the world would you feel the need to bump into your car that hard?? Lmao Yes, I agree FYL.

By ergo_fml | 13

#687432 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 13:56

How did your hip dent the car?!

By icanfloat12 | 0

#687508 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 15:02

car alarms never work. never.