Love: Today, I came home from a two-week overseas business trip. My...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home from a two-week overseas business trip. My wife was at work, but she came home for lunch. When she came in, she brushed right past me to hug and talk to her dog. When I mentioned it, she said, "But I haven't seen him all day!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

65472

You deserved it

4274

Favorite

Love

Proactive

Bad news

Gas giant

By faulty number - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, I have been waiting for a call from a job I applied for. I soon got a text from my current boss, who doesn't know I'm job hunting, letting me know that the recruiter was trying to reach me. Turns out my number on my resumé was wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9723

You deserved it

38757

Favorite

By KitchenFlooder

Today, I flooded my entire kitchen. The water was cut off at night and I left the faucet open without realizing. When the sound woke me up at 5am, the water reached my ankles. I frantically tried to sweep it out before my mother woke up at 6am. I didn't make it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3452

You deserved it

1775

Favorite

By FalkensLabyrinth - 3/2/2021 19:57 - United States - Gardner

Tact

Today, my mother offered to give my overweight girlfriend the workout DVDs that she no longer needs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

672

You deserved it

168

Favorite

By hard worker

Today, I gave my boss 2 weeks notice for me leaving work, as I had received a better job offer with twice the pay. I thought he took it well until I heard him mutter under his breath, "About fucking time." FML

I agree, your life sucks

16207

You deserved it

1598

Favorite

By O - Sweden - Trollh?ttan

Today, I noticed that both my managers completely ignored me when I told them that I'm fully booked, and can't take any more clients. Both of them scheduled additional clients. At the same. Three people from different companies will show up at my office at the same time. Yep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22153

You deserved it

1420

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was driving, a police officer jumped out from the sidewalk and into my lane. I slammed on the brakes so I wouldn't hit him. He then gave me a ticket for "obstructing traffic". FML

I agree, your life sucks

34252

You deserved it

2567

Favorite

By smellyhair - United Kingdom

Today, I was shopping for a new deodorant, and this guy was standing in the way. He wouldn't move, so I crouched down to get the one I wanted, right when he did the most violent fart right in my face. Then his wife came over, made a face and he whispered, "I think that girl just farted". FML

I agree, your life sucks

40000

You deserved it

3825

Favorite

By Beepbeepbeep - United States

Today, I lost power. That didn't stop my house alarm from running on battery, loudly informing me in a British accent, "AC power disconnected. BEEP. AC power disconnected. BEEP." It's been going on for 5 hours and the battery takes a special screwdriver to remove. One we don't have. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28187

You deserved it

4325

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Burlington

Today, I went to a hockey game. While warm-ups were happening, my favourite player pointed at me and tossed me a puck. It bounced off my hand into another girl's, who was a fan of the other team. She refused to give it back, then walked away and said, "I can't wait to sell this on eBay." FML

I agree, your life sucks

24949

You deserved it

2405

Favorite

By Cooky - United Kingdom

Today, I learnt that the people I work with dislike me so much that they have a competition to see who can accidentally hurt me the most. How did I find out? A chef poured boiling water over my hands, and another shouted "50 POINTS!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

40230

You deserved it

6708

Favorite

By VetTechStudent

Today, I had to get a pre-exposure rabies vaccine for school. My boyfriend thinks I'll give him rabies and refuses to let me sleep in the same bed with him or initiate sex. I need two more shots over the next 3 weeks, which means sleeping on the couch for a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2659

You deserved it

343

Favorite

By college student - United States - Oxford

Today, I woke up with a vicious hangover. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't woken up to dozens of cans strewn all over the floor. I don't remember buying half the store's supply of pork and beans. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26725

You deserved it

9006

Favorite

By lorahayes - United Kingdom

Today, I was on the train listening to my iPod on shuffle. The "Oompa Loompa" song came on, and slightly amused, I started humming it. It wasn't until I noticed that the man next to me was a midget that I understood the horrified looks I was getting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38688

You deserved it

10202

Favorite

By you're just creepy. - Canada - Whitehorse

Today, I smiled at a new kid and started a conversation with him, just to be nice. He later sent me 24 messages describing how strong his love for me is. I'm scared to go to school tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34976

You deserved it

3738

Favorite

By Anonymous - 25/12/2020 22:01 - United Kingdom - Runcorn

Vicious bastards

Today, I decided to go for a jog to try and get fit. I definitely got my exercise in, because I was mercilessly chased by a goose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

785

You deserved it

119

Favorite

By fml9124 - 1/3/2021 02:00

Animal lover

Today, my 14 year-old daughter threatened to run away. Why? We live in southern Arizona. In the last week, she's found a dead tarantula and a live scorpion in her bedroom. In a couple of weeks it will be rattlesnake season. She's not liking the desert much anymore, where even the plants want to hurt you. FML

I agree, your life sucks

727

You deserved it

359

Favorite

By bummed - United States

Today, I found out a 6-month pregnant woman is claiming my boyfriend to be the father. Even though this would have been previous to our relationship, he already has two kids from getting girls pregnant in high school. I guess he didn't learn his lesson the first two times. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29055

You deserved it

16560

Favorite

By her0x3her0ine617 - United States

Today, I received my camera in the mail. I had sent it back to the company because it wouldn't turn on. As I was reading the note they put in, it said, "Battery was put in backwards. No other problems found." FML

I agree, your life sucks

7202

You deserved it

46728

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I found that someone had paid off my $16,500 student loan. I was so excited that I called my family and posted on Facebook about how awesome it was. Then I called the loan company and found out that they had just sold my loan to another company; no one had actually paid it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30405

You deserved it

14119

Favorite

By Dilly_20 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why I'd be angry if he had a foursome with 3 other people. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42543

You deserved it

5606

Favorite

By Anonymous - 15/5/2020 23:00

The geyser

Today, my girlfriend was on top in reverse cowgirl. After she orgasmed, all I heard was, "Oh fuck" and she clenched her butt to try stop, but it was too late, she shot diarrhoea up my stomach, chest and neck. The only reason I didn’t get any in my mouth was because it all got caught in my beard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4090

You deserved it

295

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, while eating s'mores with my boyfriend's family, I misplaced my false tooth. With a team of flashlights and hurt pride, my expensive tooth was found. In dog shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3347

You deserved it

456

Favorite

By SnurklesMcGee - Canada

Today, I learned I don't have to spend Valentine's Day alone. My parents invited me along on their date. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21505

You deserved it

1988

Favorite

By OhNo - United Kingdom

Today, I got my sister to pluck my eyebrows. She shaped them wrong, so now I look constantly sad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20045

You deserved it

29944

Favorite

By MaryJane

Today, my best friend told me she didn't want to be my friend anymore, because she wanted to start afresh in college and have pretty friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2046

You deserved it

104

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, I got a targeted YouTube ad that was intended for someone who owns a graveyard plot. Glad to know my watching habits match those of an undertaker's. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1279

You deserved it

215

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, my best friend and I got in a fight, and we have a 3 hour drive back home together. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10938

Phew, glad it wasn't me

2039

Favorite

By I'maboutobarf - Australia

Today, my mum got a new blender. Dinner was roast beef, broccoli, cauliflower, pumpkin, potatoes and water. In a cup. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40136

You deserved it

2768

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted him to be a little more masculine and dominant in the bedroom. He broke up with me because I'm not "feminist enough". FML

I agree, your life sucks

5050

You deserved it

1308

Favorite

By ilovebigmacs - United States - San Francisco

Today, I spotted an elderly man trying to use the ladder at work. Knowing customers aren't supposed to use these, I went over and helped. Not only did I fall from the ladder, but I landed on the old man's foot, breaking my elbow and fracturing his toe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22711

You deserved it

3160

Favorite

By gangstalicious - United States

Today, I got the cell phone bill for my family and saw that my son had gone over his limit by around 1,000 messages. Curious to see what he was talking about that much, I read the messages. Apparently, my 15 year old son is having it off more than me and my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58202

You deserved it

13526

Favorite

By single now - United States

Today, a friend of mine sent me a message saying, "Man, I am so sorry but we were both really drunk and I swear it didn't mean anything." FML

I agree, your life sucks

29319

You deserved it

4286

Favorite

By poopooppachuu - United States

Get it now?

Today, in the middle of explaining over the phone to my crush how I felt about him, I got a text from his best friend, who was apparently with him at the time. It said, "He doesn't like you, get over it. Stop rambling." FML

I agree, your life sucks

36855

You deserved it

6049

Favorite

By child of a crazed women - United States - Halethorpe

Today, it is my birthday. Since my parents are in the middle of a divorce, my mom thought it was perfectly reasonable to burn the gifts my dad got for me in the fireplace. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57083

You deserved it

2924

Favorite

By moe - United States

Today, I found out what getting slapped in the face with lettuce feels like. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29639

You deserved it

7699

Favorite

By daRN - Bahrain

Today, my sister just had a huge fight with my mom. After that, she thought it was appropriate to smash my $1,000 guitar to "blow off some steam." FML

I agree, your life sucks

74978

You deserved it

3075

Favorite

By Dr. Jack - United States

Today, my airline lost my luggage when I flew back from France. They also lost my luggage when I flew to France. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40156

You deserved it

2184

Favorite

By only1bigdogme - United States

Today, I tried to scare a new college friend by sneaking up behind her wearing a mask. It worked. And so did her lightning fast reflexes developed from multiple martial arts championships. My 2 cracked ribs, broken nose and bruised ballsack can now be added to her list of achievements. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12732

You deserved it

53029

Favorite

By Soaked - United States

Today, there was a 10-minute cloudburst. It started 30 seconds after I parked my car and ended 30 seconds after I arrived at the office. Now the sun is shining, the sky is blue, and I look like I took a shower fully clothed. Oh, and I'm wearing thin white pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46123

You deserved it

7980

Favorite

By millie219 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, my mother screamed at my boyfriend, calling him an "evil piece of self-centred trash". He's a sweet guy who does volunteer work for kids with learning difficulties. She's a bitter, passive-aggressive telemarketer who constantly harasses her own family with sales calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31280

You deserved it

2168

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By genius_man16 | 0

#137565 - Thursday 23 April 2009 23:23

I would seriously consider re-evaluating whether you want to stay married to her or not. I mean, i realize people like their pets, but really? What. A. Bitch.

By missus_butter | 0

#137551 - Thursday 23 April 2009 23:21

Whatever the dog is doing, start doing that.

COMMENTS

By ohhboyy | 0

#137509 - Thursday 23 April 2009 23:16

maybe the dog is cuter than you?
idk you have a weird dog-obsessed wife

Nsnlover | 0

#855403 - Sunday 14 February 2010 20:25

next ur wife will be cheating on u with the dog

By maddybee111 | 0

#137511 - Thursday 23 April 2009 23:16

well..i think she likes the dog?

By stargirl14 | 0

#137517 - Thursday 23 April 2009 23:17

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By Thisguy9576 | 0

#137520 - Thursday 23 April 2009 23:18

Ur wifes a dogofile haha

By esagalyn | 0

#137528 - Thursday 23 April 2009 23:19

There's nothing stronger than the bond between a girl and her dog.

By missus_butter | 0

#137551 - Thursday 23 April 2009 23:21

Whatever the dog is doing, start doing that.

SoloAutotunE | 17

#6462126 - Sunday 15 November 2015 20:07

*Proceeds to hump wife's leg*

19jburner | 15

#6601258 - Monday 9 May 2016 18:09

Step 1: become a dog

By Limberger | 1

#137558 - Thursday 23 April 2009 23:22

I have experienced this before, people who do this are horrible.

By genius_man16 | 0

#137565 - Thursday 23 April 2009 23:23

I would seriously consider re-evaluating whether you want to stay married to her or not. I mean, i realize people like their pets, but really? What. A. Bitch.