By Anonymous - 8/4/2020 08:00

No thanks, mom

Today, my crazed and very hormonal pregnant mother told me that I should get pregnant too, so that we can be "preggo buddies." I'm 15. FML

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BO Central

And today, on Dr Phil…

Deep-seated resentment

By markymark - United States

Today, I took a final for my law class. As I was taking the test, I noticed the girl on my left copying off me. I wrote all the wrong answers on my sheet while writing the correct answers on my desk hoping she would copy the wrong answers down. I forgot to write the correct answers on my test. FML

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By TheLibrarian

Today, after being jobless for 2 years, I got a call back for an interview. I was ecstatic until I saw the date. It's the same day I leave for a weeklong, nonrefundable vacation. I applied for the job 6 weeks ago, and since not hearing anything bought the vacation 2 weeks ago. FML

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By Shadowfigure23 - United States

Today, I spent most of my morning comforting the guy I love because his fiancée dumped him for some other guy. He continuously told me I had no clue that kind of pain he was in. He dumped me three years ago for the girl that just left him. FML

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By virginkiller - Singapore

You learn something new every day

Today, my girlfriend revealed to me that she has primeisodophobia. What is primeisodophobia, you may ask? Well, it's the fear of losing your virginity. FML

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By Ma.Sa.La. - United States

Today, I was walking through the mall with my boyfriend of a year and a half. There was sign outside of the jewelry store that said, "Engagement Rings-No interest for 12 months." I said, "Look, baby! No interest." He replied, "That's right...NO INTEREST." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me over for dinner. When I walked in the door, he asked why I was here; apparently he dialed the wrong girlfriend. FML

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By bad poet - United States - Millerton

Today, my boyfriend asked me to write him a poem, as I am an avid writer. Happily, I agreed. After hours of working, I proudly presented it to him. He read it, laughed, and said, "No babe, I meant a real poem." Maybe I should rethink my career choice. FML

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By anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, was the first time giving head to my boyfriend. He couldn't finish, so I tried a handjob. In the end he kind of pushed my hand away so he could finish himself off. FML

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By anon - Canada - Vaudreuil

Today, I went to see a hockey game. The announcer asked if anybody found a ring in the stands, because a girl lost hers. While he talked about it, I realised that I forgot mine in my pocket, so I took MY ring and put it on my finger. A guy saw me and thought I stole the lost one. FML

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By creepermagnet - United States

Today, I rear-ended a car on the parkway. We pulled over, the guy told me his car was fine, and then asked me out on a date. It was only when I replied "no" that he decided he wanted his car fixed. FML

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By Prego my ego - France

Today, I had my first date with this guy I really like, who came to pick me up. Once I got into his car, my uncle comes out of the house and yells "Remember, pregnant girls aren't allowed to drink." FML

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By name50 - United States

Today, I was passing a building and saw a fat, ugly person inside. I started to laugh and noticed it was my reflection. FML

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By trollbot13 - India - Hyderabad

Today, I was fired from my job because I, in my bosses words, "Abided by company policy to such an extent that customers were starting to hate me." FML

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By biker2012 - United States

Today, there was a parents bike race on the track at my high school for a fundraiser. My dad entered, and ended up winning. He did his victory dance with a massive erection showing through his spandex. Just about all of my friends, teachers, other parents, and the hot soccer team saw. FML

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By iamgodzilla - United States - Owings Mills

Today, I got a friend request on Facebook. It's from the person who crashed into my car earlier in the month. It's funny that she doesn't return my calls or messages, but liked my status about the accident. FML

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By butisavedyourkid - United States

Today, I rescued a little boy who looked like he was drowning in a public pool. His mother then smacked me in the face for "touching him". FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I almost got lucky with a girl from my course. We've been flirting since we met. After removing her top and moving downwards with my tongue, whilst moaning my name she decided to mention she has a boyfriend and that we needed to stop. FML

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By linren - United States

TMI, dude

Today, I was riding in the car with my new boyfriend. He had 'something serious' to tell me. He started to emotionally confess his addiction to masturbation. In detail. The drive was 2 hours long. FML

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By steve - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I didn't take her pet rock seriously. FML

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By CheesyCasey - United States - Detroit

Today, my workplace was issued aprons. I then became the first and only employee in the history of the business to set an apron on fire while using the grill. FML

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By King.Dick. - United States - Windsor Heights

Today, I had to give a presentation at school about King Richard III. I realized too late that someone had changed his name to "King Dick" on all the slides. My little sister later broke into hysterics and confessed this had been her April Fool's prank. FML

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By Wolf - Trinidad and Tobago

Today, while sitting next to me, my boyfriend sends a text to one of his "friends" saying "I'm thinking of you". FML

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By killmenow - Canada - Halifax

Today, I burped in front of my crush. Well, not really in front of him. I turned around mid-burp and noticed him, not knowing anyone was there. The surprise made me scream a little, which only amplified the burp. So I made this mighty belch-turned-scream noise, while maintaining eye contact with him. FML

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By happybride

Today, my wedding limo driver got high and forgot to pick us up, so the photographers gave us a ride back to the venue from the photo shoot. Three bridesmaids, a flower girl, and I, in my full wedding dress, had to fit in the back of the 1997 Toyota Camry. FML

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By hh - United States - Clear Lake

Today, I went over to my boyfriend's house to break up with him. When I got there, I got sent on a scavenger hunt that ended with him proposing to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2020 08:03

Planned assault

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be wise to joke that we needed to postpone our reunion for another week. We haven't seen each other for almost 4 months, due to events out of our control. He thinks he's funny. He'll get punched when we do see each other again. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2020 17:01

Take the compliment

Today, I was working in the yard and took off my shirt. My neighbor yelled, "Nice tits!" I'm a dude. FML

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By Anonymous

Don't worry!

Today, my girlfriend of four months asked me to babysit her four-year-old daughter. All went well, and she texted me to see how she was. I wanted to say “a little ornery”. My phone auto corrected ornery to horny. She didn't appreciate that her four-year-old daughter was a little horny from her boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, at the office, my most annoying client asked me to send her a document. I have now sent it to her over 5 times, in a different format each time, and every single time she replies with, "Not in the requested format". She won't tell me what the requested format is. FML

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By melyeah - Australia - Sydney

Today, to avoid a massive delay on our scheduled flight at the airport, we were generously moved to an earlier flight home. An hour later, our new flight had been cancelled and they told us we'd be stuck at the airport overnight. Our original flight took off fine. FML

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By Colton - United States

Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML

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By socksoffire - United States

Today, I did my laundry. When I took it out, everything was clean, including the mouse that had been hiding in it. FML

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By justanidiot - 20/9/2020 22:01 - United States - Macon

Vibe check

Today, I've been getting weird vibes from my boyfriend of over a year and half, so I made a fake Tinder account. Guess who my first match was? My now ex-boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Landlords are scum

Today, I found out that my landlord is sleeping with my girlfriend, and he won’t let me out of my lease. FML

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By screwed - Canada

Today, I accidentally walked in on my roommate while she was changing clothes. She insisted on telling her boyfriend what had happened, because, "It wouldn't feel right" if she didn't. Her boyfriend is a MMA fighter/bodybuilder and has major jealousy issues. I'm screwed. FML

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By Maria - United Kingdom - York

Today, my boyfriend had his arm around me. He pulled me closer, so I looked up, thinking maybe he wanted a kiss. Turns out he was picking his nose over my head. FML

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By ummm eww - 12/6/2020 20:05

Disclosure

Today, my friend and I decided to have a "special intimate" moment together at his house. As soon as I start to really get into it, he said to me, "I sort of wanna do your mom." Way to kill the mood. FML

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By happybirthday - United Kingdom

Today, it's my birthday. My girlfriend gave me a Paul Frank t-shirt. It says "I'm single." FML

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By heartbroken - United States

Today, after a huge heartbreak and a night of crying, I wake up to an empty house. I go in the kitchen to make breakfast and see a note on the counter saying "We heard you crying last night and didn't want to hear you complaining this morning, so we went to the mall. -Mom" FML

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By Anonymous - China - Shanghai

Today, my husband wanted me to take a sleeping pill before having sex with me. Apparently I'm better in bed while half-asleep. FML

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Top comments

By demix_fml | 32

#7895996 - Wednesday 8 April 2020 20:27

I want to know why people think this person deserves it?

By RichardPencil | 29

#7895858 - Wednesday 8 April 2020 8:15

Hey, your sister is going to need a niece that's about her age.

Get in touch with that pregnant 15-year-old from a few days ago -- she knows 2 guys who failed to get her pregnant. They'll probably want to help you.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7895858 - Wednesday 8 April 2020 8:15

Hey, your sister is going to need a niece that's about her age.

Get in touch with that pregnant 15-year-old from a few days ago -- she knows 2 guys who failed to get her pregnant. They'll probably want to help you.

By bl3ur0z3 | 17

#7895935 - Wednesday 8 April 2020 16:41

The ultimate bonding experience.

By Kraths | 16

#7895972 - Wednesday 8 April 2020 18:38

Fairly certain that involves statutory.

By demix_fml | 32

#7895996 - Wednesday 8 April 2020 20:27

I want to know why people think this person deserves it?

By bloopaloop | 27

#7896042 - Wednesday 8 April 2020 23:23

If you get pregnant by the same guy, you’ll be even closer of buddies!

By Dale Gulley | 8

#7896083 - Thursday 9 April 2020 3:55

It’s a trap!

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7896097 - Thursday 9 April 2020 6:06

Hope OP isn't a guy; just sayin'