By a_boring_snuffkin - 16/5/2020 02:00

Honestly?

Today, my friend needed to talk out bad feelings. Then she urged me to open up as well. I hate doing it, but it only seemed fair, so I confessed my deep insecurities. Not only did she agree with everything, but she also helpfully added that I'm boring, have no life and all my dreams are unattainable. FML

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Dangling modifier

Messed up

Long term commitment

By Anonymous - United States

Today, a drunk driver drove his car through my mailbox. He got pissed, started yelling, and threatened to sue me for "putting the mailbox in the middle of the road". If my front lawn is a road, I'm going to have some serious issues. FML

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By Jeanna - United States - Baskett

Today, I went into a store for an interview. I've had several places wanting to talk to me and this job was a lot lower paying. I got a little cocky and when offered the job, I said I wanted some time to finish my other interviews first and see what my options were. The manager then took back his offer. FML

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By misopower - China

Today, after 9 months in our relationship, my boyfriend and I lost our virginity to each other. We had incredible, mind-blowing sex. An hour later, he broke up with me because apparently "my orgasm face is ugly." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, one of my elderly swimming students ran into me at Walmart. Being a polite teenager, I said hi to him. He looked at me surprised and said, "Oh dear! I didn't recognize you with your clothes on!" I'll never forget the look on his wife's face. FML

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By Suzi_d16 - 20/4/2020 23:00

Oh well, maybe next… year?

Today, I was supposed to get married. Unfortunately, it was cancelled because of the coronavirus. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2020 18:02 - Australia - Melbourne

Keep the peace

Today, my girlfriend accidentally put rubbish in the neighbour's bin. Then the old lady took all the rubbish out and threw it on the floor. I came out and tried to calm the situation, but then my girlfriend ran downstairs and tipped her cat food and cat milk bowls over. FML

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By Stupid - Australia - Bellerive

Today, I waited thirty minutes for a bus that stopped running three weeks ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2020 20:00

Motherly love

Today, my son handed me a handful of snot he just sneezed out, then went back to playing with his Lego. I had IVF and gave up a career as a lawyer to have this little snot demon. FML

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By david99021 - Turkey - Ankara

Today, I told my mom I've been having sleep issues and asked if she could take me to the doctor. She decided I just need to read the Bible more. Needless to say, I still can't sleep. FML

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By dreamteam - United States

Today, I was having a very realistic dream about a hot guy. Just as he was leaning in to ravish me, I was rudely awakened by the sound of my husband farting and snorting at the same time. FML

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By ugheffmylife - United States

Today, I was playing with my phone and turned it on lock mode. I changed my lock code a few months ago, so that no one would be able to guess it. Turns out I can't guess it either. FML

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By dumbmotherinlaw - United States - San Diego

Today, I was crossing back over the Mexico-US border. My mother-in-law got out of the car to go to the bathroom, since traffic was horrible. Two hours of worrying sick later, turns out she crossed the border without telling me. FML

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By fml9124 - 19/2/2021 19:58

Today, my neighbor yelled at me because her two kids got into my pool. They scaled a two-meter wall to get to my backyard. They used a tree in her yard that hangs over the wall. I guess I could install razor wire on top of the wall. FML

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By joanikens

Today, I was so broke, I couldn't come up with enough change to pay the parking meter at my job. FML

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By nothungry - United States

Today, after four years of anorexia and lots of recovery, my parents took me out to dinner with my counselor and whole family to celebrate my progress. I ended up eating something that made me vomit everything I ate. My parents now think I am bulmic and are sending me back to counseling. FML

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By BobbyHutchinson - Australia

Today, some thug tried to mug me. I panicked and ran. As they chased me with their knife out, I heard a slip and a shout behind me but kept running. Six blocks later I was spotted, arrested and held for questioning by the police. The mugger fell, stabbed themselves and told a cop that I did it. FML

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By jeremyj - United States

Today, is the third day since I opened my small coffee shop. My parents had given me a nice frame to put my first dollar from working in. I had to sneak in a dollar from my own wallet so they wouldn't know how bad business was when they came to visit. FML

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By Shodan2112 - United States

Today, as I go to a small private Christian college, the academic dean came up to me and asked me to put some old records on CD, since I have a record player that can do that. I had to listen to eight records of old students from the 1970's singing bible thumper Christian hippie music. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after parking my car, I was informed by an incredibly hot girl that my tail light was faulty. I tried hitting it to make it work again. Guess who has 5 stitches and a smashed tail light? FML

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By Alyssa - United States - Spring Park

Today, my fiancé, my two-year-old, and my dog are all sleeping peacefully next to me in our new king-sized memory foam bed. It's 2:15 in the morning. Why am I not sleeping? Because they all snore, one right after the other. It's like an endless song of snoring. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my daughter to the lake. She told me she had to go to the bathroom and I whispered to her "just pee in the lake, it's fine, but go in a little deeper." She went in the lake and turned to me to yell "MOM, IS THIS DEEP ENOUGH FOR ME TO PEE?" FML

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By KitchenFlooder

Today, I flooded my entire kitchen. The water was cut off at night and I left the faucet open without realizing. When the sound woke me up at 5am, the water reached my ankles. I frantically tried to sweep it out before my mother woke up at 6am. I didn't make it. FML

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By dogproblems - United States - Charlotte

Today, I shaved my beard in preparation for an important work conference. Now my dog won't stop growling and barking at me. FML

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By wheelmaker

Today, the girl I've had several passionate encounters over the past few weeks admitted we cannot entirely be together as she is married. She wants to make it work with me but cannot divorce as she would lose her visa. FML

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By marie519 - United States

Today, after having watched a scare story on the news about heart disease, my mom is now insisting that we have daily, hour-long, family yoga sessions together. I have a job, and barely have enough time to do my homework as it is. I'm going to be grounded if I don't take part. FML

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By thegirlwiththedumbassbf - United States - Camarillo

Today, my boyfriend told me that he had sex with my sister, but it's ok because I'm better in bed. He seriously doesn't understand why I dumped his sorry ass. FML

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By "crazycrochetlady"

Today, I'm 7 weeks pregnant. For the first time in a week I feel well enough to eat something that isn't cheerios, a bagel, or crackers . I woke up 2 hours after going to bed with the shits. I'm almost convinced this kid hates me already. FML

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By mistake - United States

Today, I realized what my mom has been calling me for 20 years. She always calls me her "little fehler." With her being from Germany, I always thought it was a cute little nickname. Apparently, she's been calling me her "little mistake." FML

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By Lisa - United States

Today, after being dumped by my boyfriend of two years, I poured my heart out to my dad. He nodded and looked sympathetic throughout. Afterwards, I asked him what I should do. He replied, "How the hell should I know?" and awkwardly left my room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, I got a new skin cream for my acne. I tested it on a small patch of skin just to make sure I wasn't allergic. I was, and the reaction didn't stay on that small patch of skin. My left arm is now almost entirely covered in a horrible rash. FML

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By nopanties - United States - Durham

Felt cute, might delete later

Today, my boyfriend ripped my panties trying to get them off. Not off me, off himself. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was at the cafeteria of my school with my boyfriend and he dumped me. I was kinda expecting it. What I wasn't expecting was that he'd start running in front of everyone, screaming "FREEEEEEEEEDOM!" at the top of his lungs and that he'd kiss the first girl he saw. FML

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By oneillrox - United States

Today, I took my cat to the vet for an x-ray. They found three dollar coins in his stomach. The surgery to remove them is $600. FML

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By D - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking down the street when a police officer started walking behind me with his dog. I sped up and tried to cross the road. He took this as suspicious and got the dog to take me to the floor. I've been afraid of dogs since I was 5. FML

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By Chesty Larue - United States

Today, I got fired from my part-time job, because I insisted on keeping my phone in my pocket and never using it, instead of putting it in locker without a lock or security camera, that anyone can go through. The manager found out by searching my locker for the past 3 weeks. Ironic. FML

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By wtf fml - United States - Hesperia

Aaand blocked.

Today, I was mourning the recent loss of a close family member. My ex's idea of comforting me was to ask if he could come over so I could “give him some bomb ass head” to take my mind off things. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents told me about how they met. I'd already known they were eight years apart, but I never knew my dad started dating my mom when he was 21 and she was 13. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for my birthday, someone left a big bottle of mouth wash on my desk with a big bow on it. FML

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By zephyrgk - United States - Wilmington

Today, I was grounded by my dad for "popping pills like a gangbanger". I take prescription ADHD medicine and a multi-vitamin. FML

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By anon - United States - Springfield

Today, at work, one of the elderly residents dropped a turd on the floor. I went to go get the nurse but couldn't find her. Upon returning to the scene, another resident picked it up and placed it in my hand, thinking it was mud. Now my nickname at work is 'Nugget'. FML

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Top comments

By Sagar Nair | 11

#7906569 - Saturday 16 May 2020 2:42

Tell your “friend” that in order for her to be a good friend is to have acceptance AND support from her too like you do. If she’s not ok with that then you should get rid of that toxic waste.

By swmr4life | 9

#7906593 - Saturday 16 May 2020 6:56

Your Friend is Horrible!! Find a new one!

COMMENTS

By Sagar Nair | 11

#7906569 - Saturday 16 May 2020 2:42

Tell your “friend” that in order for her to be a good friend is to have acceptance AND support from her too like you do. If she’s not ok with that then you should get rid of that toxic waste.

By Janeth García | 3

#7906585 - Saturday 16 May 2020 5:06

fuck you friend.

By swmr4life | 9

#7906593 - Saturday 16 May 2020 6:56

Your Friend is Horrible!! Find a new one!

By Jonkbaby | 19

#7906684 - Saturday 16 May 2020 15:50

well, that is a terrible friend. do you think that she only likes you where you are at, rather than wanting to see you grow?