By a_boring_snuffkin - 16/5/2020 02:00

Honestly?

Today, my friend needed to talk out bad feelings. Then she urged me to open up as well. I hate doing it, but it only seemed fair, so I confessed my deep insecurities. Not only did she agree with everything, but she also helpfully added that I'm boring, have no life and all my dreams are unattainable. FML

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Dangling modifier

Deep-seated resentment

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By Taylor - 20/1/2009 20:41 - United States

Today, my brother's girlfriend dumped him. I overheard my mom tell him "It could be worse. Your brother can't even get a girlfriend". FML

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By meow - 16/7/2019 18:30

Today, I found out my boss hired literally the only person in this town who is an ex-boyfriend. I also work with my current boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2012 21:10 - United Kingdom - Walsall

Today, a baseball bat fell on my head while my boyfriend and I were cuddling. The same baseball bat that he keeps next to the bed, because he genuinely fears a zombie outbreak. FML

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By gingerwhinger - 5/8/2015 23:24 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, an older lady approached me at work and stroked my hair, telling me it was 'beautiful'. This isn't unusual, I'm a natural redhead and octogenarians especially seem to love the colour. However, the unusual part was the glob of snot she left in my hair from her unwashed hands. FML

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By keenan - 19/9/2010 23:55 - United States

Today, I had to use my driver's license to convince the security guard at a game room that I was a girl. FML

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By Alison - 8/12/2009 02:14 - United States

Today, the "hot" guy I've been talking to for a few weeks sent me a picture. He was very overweight and not good looking at all. He then followed up with, "Now send me one of you so I can prove to all of my friends that you're real." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2009 17:09 - United States

Today, I was playing ball with my student during recess. My first attempt at throwing the ball hit him in the head. My second attempt hit him in the crotch. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2019 22:00 - United Kingdom - Chester

Keep your secrets, do your own laundry

Today, I found out that before my grandma washes my clothes, she smells my underwear to "make sure they're dirty." FML

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By pineapple456 - 16/2/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I was hooking up with a girl in my apartment when I told her I didn't have a condom. She started laughing and upon realizing my look of confusion, said "Oh, you actually thought I was going to have sex with you?" FML

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By regrettably well rested - 14/5/2017 16:00 - United States - Clearfield

Today, I set 3 alarms so I wouldn't miss an early morning event I was volunteering at. After I slept through the first one, my roommate turned the other two off without waking me up because they were annoying. I missed the event. FML

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By ashlee - 31/8/2010 18:07 - United States

Today, after my husband's phone buzzed like crazy all morning, I decided to pick it up and see what all the fuss was about. He had three new picture messages from his "boss", naked and strapped to a chair with the caption, "Are you still coming over tonight?" We've been married for nine years and have two children. FML

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By hotpatata - 6/7/2012 15:03 - United States

Today, I sneezed my jaw out of socket. Yes, this is possible. FML

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By lulu - 11/2/2012 10:19 - United States

Today, my dog attacked me because I had a chicken costume on for a party. I'm currently in a hospital, dressed as a chicken, waiting for medical assistance. FML

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By Noname - 29/1/2009 23:08 - United States

Today, a toddler's play ball rolled over to me in the park. I playfully pitched it to him as his parents watched from afar. The ball hit him in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2020 02:00

Honesty is the best policy

Today, I finally went on a date with a girl I've been talking to for 2 years. She is my dream girl, picture perfect and I love her with all my heart. So I asked her, half jokingly, if I was her dream guy. Her reply? "Don't ask me something you don't want to hear the answer of." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2014 23:05 - United States - Evanston

Today, I laughed at my grandma's chihuahua poodle mix, as it barked at me entering the house. "What are you going to do, nibble me to death?" is apparently enough to make it jump and bite me. I needed five stitches. FML

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By Noname - 5/3/2009 02:18 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend to a very nice restaurant. I thought it would be a good place to pop the question. I gave the ring to the waiter and asked him to put it on her dessert plate. When she saw it she picked it up, put it down and said "no". Then she started to eat the dessert. FML

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By DamnDogs - 20/11/2009 08:29 - United States

Today, at work, my boss said something that I didn't catch. I went to take a leash off a dog, (I'm a groomer's assistant) and looked at my boss and said "What?" To which she replied, "Be careful, he bites." I now have a two-inch gash on my finger from a 6lb fluffy Maltese. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2013 19:10 - Israel

Today, I asked my lazy daughter to go make her bed. She responded by lighting our garbage bin on fire. FML

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By teegtwo - 22/7/2014 05:55 - United States

Today, my boyfriend said we can't have sex with the light on anymore. He said he can never finish because the face I make when I orgasm makes him laugh. FML

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By Stan017 - 13/3/2017 02:00

Fast and Furious 17: Hot cross buns in the city

Today, I'm fasting for Lent. I'm a copywriter and my current client is a food company. I have to research about, and look at pictures of food all day. FML

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By anonymous2.0 - 12/10/2012 06:15 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I asked my husband to come upstairs to our bedroom, thinking I could get some "special time." It ended up with us arguing about his mother, and him falling asleep cuddling my pillow while sucking his thumb. FML

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By Lameartist - 12/2/2012 10:36

Today, I had just finished an elaborate charcoal drawing as part of a college application that took a good week. When I read over the requirements, I found out it needed to be done in graphite pencil. FML

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By AnnieTheKitteh - 1/3/2018 19:00

Today, I came up with a new system: If I want to buy something, I must do a chore first. I thought my laziness would keep me from impulsive shopping. Instead, my entire apartment is sparkling clean. FML

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By Username - 22/2/2010 05:44 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was telling me about accidentally punching his best friend in the face. As he was acting it out he ended up punching me and giving me a bloody nose. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2020 16:01 - United Kingdom

Can't catch a break

Today, I’ve been working 4 months to cover people isolating, so I was finally looking forward to a Saturday of fishing, a date night then a lazy Sunday watching TV. Only my wife who, as soon as she heard I had a whole weekend free, handed me a list of vital house jobs that need doing, “NOW NOW NOW.” FML

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By anonymous - 28/12/2011 08:14 - United States

Today, my 9 month old son realized he is just as tired as I am. His solution is to cry loudly. My solution was to cry along with him. FML

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By birdiebeth13 - 10/4/2013 17:41 - United States - Chippewa Falls

Today, after my shift at the hospital ended, I happened to look into a full-length mirror. My new scrubs turned out to be see-through. Instead of my undies, everyone got a good look at my cellulite-ridden ass. Fan-fucking-tastic day to wear a thong. FML

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By not-so-young-shortie - 18/2/2009 22:57 - United States

Today, I was eating at a restaurant with my boyfriend, he is 6'2 and i am 4'11. Out of nowhere, the hostess started openly flirting with him, and asked him if he needed a booster chair for his daughter. FML

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By soupduped - 6/12/2009 03:37 - United States

Today, I opened up a can of tomato soup I'd taken from my parents' house recently. After eating the whole can, I started feeling a little off, so I checked the expiration date. It expired 12 years ago. FML

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By laydeegaga - 7/3/2010 08:13

Today, my mom cleaned my room, while doing so she found a very detailed sex book I got from an ex boyfriend as a "gift". For years I had her convinced I was still a virgin, until today. FML

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By dammit33 - 28/5/2012 13:55 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I got a $20 tip from an old lady I delivered pizza to. Ecstatic, I walked back to my car where there was a $30 parking fine waiting for me. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2019 06:11

Today, I woke up late for work. I rushed everything, ate a quick meal and was thirsty as hell. I saw a 2-liter Coca Cola bottle, so I poured a huge glass filled with ice and ran out the door. While driving, I took a huge gulp of nice, cold thick cooking oil. FML

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By Sky - 25/7/2018 01:30

Today, since my parents always told me that I was welcome to come home whenever I want or need, I decided to stop by. They'd changed the locks and wouldn't let me in. FML

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By Noname - 30/10/2008 05:55 - France

Today, I've just lost over £12,000 and it's not even halfway through the trading day. FML

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By apparentlyugly - 26/4/2009 16:49 - United States

Today, I went to a concert. They had this feature where you could send a picture of something from your cell phone and they'd put it on the big screens, so I sent a picture of myself in. When the picture came up on the screens, the entire crowd of about 4,000 people went, "Ewwww!" FML

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By Sam - 4/5/2014 06:12 - United States - Eureka

Today, my art teacher showed off a painting of his name he got in Japan. I can read Japanese, and it actually says "Old idiot". I really don't want to break it to him. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2016 19:00 - United States - Arlington

Today, my boyfriend is mad at me for causing him to fail a science test. Apparently he thought I was serious when I told him that homo sapiens were extinct because they were "homo". FML

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By :,< - 17/9/2012 17:16 - United States

Today, I took my daughter to a pony ride at the fair. I paid to have her picture taken, and when we got home, I emailed it to my mom. She replied, disgustedly pointing out that the pretty little pony was displaying a pretty little penis. FML

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By skating101 - 8/12/2009 02:32 - Canada

Today, I went skating at the local rink. I had a really hard time balancing and was falling all over the place. After everyone had a good laugh, someone finally decided to tell me that one of my blade covers was still on, thanks. FML

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Top comments

By Sagar Nair | 11

#7906569 - Saturday 16 May 2020 2:42

Tell your “friend” that in order for her to be a good friend is to have acceptance AND support from her too like you do. If she’s not ok with that then you should get rid of that toxic waste.

By swmr4life | 9

#7906593 - Saturday 16 May 2020 6:56

Your Friend is Horrible!! Find a new one!

COMMENTS

By Sagar Nair | 11

#7906569 - Saturday 16 May 2020 2:42

Tell your “friend” that in order for her to be a good friend is to have acceptance AND support from her too like you do. If she’s not ok with that then you should get rid of that toxic waste.

By Janeth García | 3

#7906585 - Saturday 16 May 2020 5:06

fuck you friend.

By swmr4life | 9

#7906593 - Saturday 16 May 2020 6:56

Your Friend is Horrible!! Find a new one!

By Jonkbaby | 19

#7906684 - Saturday 16 May 2020 15:50

well, that is a terrible friend. do you think that she only likes you where you are at, rather than wanting to see you grow?