By samdog37 - 1/12/2020 14:06

Mopping mad

Today, my brand-obsessed sister bought $200 shorts. She was cutting the tag off of them in the kitchen and left them on the counter. I went into the kitchen, poured me some coke, and spilled it all over the counter. I thought the shorts were a rag. FML

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This Charming Man

Added flavor

Broke

By Anonymous - United States - Jacksonville

Today, it marks the fourth month since my 15-year-old cousin asked me out, then started practically stalking me when I said no. It's also the fourth month of my parents and his constantly telling me to stop overreacting and that it's "just a phase." FML

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By ProudMama - United States

Today, I arrived home. I'd left for a business trip 5 days earlier, and trusted my husband with our young boys. As soon as I stepped in the door, I noticed my son had thinner hair than when I'd left. He then showed me an empty container of Nair. FML

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By meyo555 - United States

Today, we finally got wireless Internet. My mom won't let us open any doors or windows in fear that it might "let the Internet out". It's 103 degrees in here. FML

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By gazza - United Kingdom - Guildford

Today, in the middle of a localised drought, and an accompanying hosepipe ban, my mother has decided that she still needs to water her lawn. To balance out the water usage, she's placed a complete ban on the use of our shower until the weather lets up. FML

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By reedcarter

Today, while I was at a urinal, a man came up to use the one next to me. He then said, "I guess this is where all the dicks hang out." He then stared at me until I left. FML

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By slavelaborsux - United States

Today, it was my first day on the job as a first grade teacher. One student pushed another, so I asked him to apologize. His response? "If you boss me around, I'll tell Daddy you touched me somewhere you shouldn't have." I think I'm now this kid's slave. FML

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By NotsexyEnough - United States

A for effort

Today, my boyfriend tried to be sexy and take off my clothes with his teeth. He ended up biting my leg. FML

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By - France

Today, after going to college for 5 years to become an architect I discover my plumber makes more than I do. FML

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By hurley - Australia

Today, I had my friends help me put on a suit of full plate armor for a medieval re-enactment. After the battle, my friends left. I can't get the armor off by myself and will probably have to sleep in it. FML

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By fuck wannabe knowitalls - United States

Today, I received a death threat from some nutball accusing me of being part of some big government conspiracy called "Haarp." According to this psycho, I'm responsible for causing the recent tornadoes in Oklahoma. I'm just a small-time weatherman. FML

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By dinkley7 - 25/4/2021 02:00

Nice neighborhood

Today, the cops showed up at my work because people were fighting in the parking lot. This is a nightly occurrence. FML

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By yuen - Australia

Today, I went to take a shit and found my boss shaving in the toilet. While in the cubicle, he asked me about my work and the conversation lasted 15 mins. I stayed in there even though I finished shitting after 5 mins, during which 3 people heard my progress report while shitting next to me. FML

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By i fuckin love habaneros - United States - Charlottesville

Today, I'm so deprived of female attention that I got a hard-on when a nurse told me I have beautiful veins. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while in line at the supermarket, I told the lady behind me that she had a cute baby. She shot me a disgusted look and straight up accused me of being a pedophile. FML

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By sleepy - United States

Today, I was trying to read a book for school, but kept falling asleep. Following some advice from a friend I tried reading on the uncomfortable floor. Two hours later my dog woke me up by peeing on my face. FML

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By hollysofly - United States

Today, I went on the first date of my life. I also burped during my first kiss. FML

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By katw - 10/3/2021 02:01

Weirdo geek freaks out

Today, I went on a first day with a guy. It went well up until he saw my phone, loudly declared that I was ‘gross’ for having an iPhone, and then stormed out. I’m on a family plan and if it were my choice, I would have got an Android. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had a few drinks with a female friend after having a bad week. I got so wasted that I wound up ending the night by giving my boyfriend a rimjob. He thoroughly enjoyed it and thinks it's going to be a regular thing now. FML

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By Kurda - United States - Wallburg

Today, I finally found a bug I had been trying to get rid of. When I removed my bra, I noticed what looked like a piece of bug on it. Apparently, the bug was flattened and suffocated by my boob the entire day. FML

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By SOdamnNervous - United States

Today, I had to give a speech on the importance of dental hygiene. I got really nervous, so I did what I've heard in movies. I pictured everyone naked, began staring at a hot blonde in the front, and got hard. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got suspended from work after getting caught reading a work-related FML. Irony is funny, but it doesn't pay the bills. FML

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By Wealthyparrot - United States

Today, a client refused to pay after I mowed her lawn. Her reasoning? I had entered her basement "without permission." I require on-site equipment be provided, and she kept her mower in her basement. I only knew it was in the basement because she'd showed me, and told me where the key was. FML

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By mylifesucks - United States - Ellijay

Today, I was walking down the street and saw a man trip over a sign. He then grabbed his cane, started screaming, and began beating the sign. Apparently that didn't release his anger, so he began to beat the nearest car. I thought it was hilarious, until I noticed it was my car. FML

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By MyLegsHurt - United States - San Francisco

Today, I felt flexible in my yoga class. I put my legs in the butterfly position and tried to press them down. Both my hips popped very painfully and I screamed in the middle of a quiet room. FML

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By Gabrielguitar - United States

Thanks, I guess…

Today, it was my birthday and everyone in the office chipped in to buy me a card, and nothing but a card. It had a pre-written message on it and a space to write "Love, *insert name*" where everyone signed their names. The "Love" was crossed out and replaced with "From". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, a co-worker asked me if I have a Facebook account, and I said I do. I had to politely smile as he spent the next half hour insulting me for supposedly being glued to it 24/7, before claiming that it's all a CIA front to steal people's social security details. Why are nutjobs like this even alive? FML

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By marriedtoacunt - United Kingdom - London

Today, our kids left for the weekend so that my wife and I could have some much-needed alone time. We've been fighting a lot recently and really need some time to have fun together. Now it turns out that she doesn't want to be around me because of the fighting. FML

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By Lyingboyfriend - Canada

Today, my boyfriend said he couldn't come to my grandfather's funeral because he was at his cottage and couldn't make it. Later that day, when driving home from the graveyard I saw him walking down the street, with another girl. FML

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By numbat97 - Australia - Burswood

Today, I bought some mandarins so that there would be at least one healthy thing in my shopping basket, and I wouldn’t feel like such a fat lard at the checkout. FML

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By terpity12 - United States

Today, I rescheduled my doctor's appointment for a tetanus shot to go camping with my friends. While running on a path at the camp site, I stepped on a rusty nail that went right through my shoe and into my foot. Maybe I should have kept my appointment. FML

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By 117halo12345 - United States - Sedgewickville

Today, I was showing my 4 year old some of my fire magic tricks. I ended up getting 2nd degree burns on my left hand and burnt off half of her hair. FML

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By JuicyJohn - United States

Today, I realized that the shorts I have been wearing all day say "Juicy" on the ass. My name is John. FML

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By Alittlebitiffy - Australia - Caloundra

Today, for the 16th day in a row, my husband slept in the guest room because he doesn't want to disturb the dogs once they've fallen asleep on our bed, so they don't hate him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Ramon

Today, my leadership class was trying to decide who would run the kissing booth in our local carnival. Someone suggested me, to which the director replied, "We'd never make any profit with her." FML

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By anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, like every other day for the past two weeks, the strange cat that has adopted me inexplicably made its way into my house and curled up next to my head while I slept. I'm horribly allergic. FML

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By maconda99 - United States

Today, I was ringing up a lady and her daughter at the shoe store I work at. The background on my nametag is a rainbow, and when the daughter saw it, she asked her mother why it was so. Her mother looks at my nametag, then me, then turns to her daughter and says "Because he hates God honey". FML

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By almost jobless - United States

Today, I was at work, photographing a baby boy. I grabbed a bench for him to use to hold himself upright. His mom asked if she should hold him instead, but I told her he'd be fine. Two seconds later, he fell backwards and brought the bench down on top of him. There goes my job. FML

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By leftout - United States

Today, I was one of five people called up to the front in class to receive a special notice from the school administration. The first four people received awards for outstanding effort in school. Mine was a notice that I had overdue library fines. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I told my girlfriend that I love her. She panicked and blurted out our S&M safeword. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out that a street performer makes more money than I do. I have a full time job at the bank. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7955495 - Tuesday 1 December 2020 21:03

Cheapskate!

If she spent $500, she could have bought shorts that resembled a puddle of cat vomit.

I don't understand fashion.

By xxlk4xx | 5

#7955446 - Tuesday 1 December 2020 15:16

should be fine if you wash them right away!

COMMENTS

By xxlk4xx | 5

#7955446 - Tuesday 1 December 2020 15:16

should be fine if you wash them right away!

By RichardPencil | 30

#7955495 - Tuesday 1 December 2020 21:03

Cheapskate!

If she spent $500, she could have bought shorts that resembled a puddle of cat vomit.

I don't understand fashion.

By tounces7 | 27

#7955525 - Wednesday 2 December 2020 2:31

As dumb as fashion trends are these days that might have made them worth more.

By Sady_Ct | 37

#7955630 - Wednesday 2 December 2020 15:48

She left them on a kitchen counter, something was bound to be spilt on them.

By Grizz8831 | 13

#7955642 - Wednesday 2 December 2020 16:43

while you should have double checked... that is a very bad spot for clothing to sit unattended. FTL but would suck to hear about afterwords for you...

By jfigley | 5

#7955726 - Thursday 3 December 2020 2:56

So does she buy these over-priced clothes with her own money or does mommy and daddy pay for them???