Intimacy: Today, my partner and I were informed by the man we had a three-way...

By fd - United States

Today, my partner and I were informed by the man we had a three-way with, the first one after having finally screwed up the courage to do it, that he has mono. I don't feel so good. FML

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Intimacy

Horsing around

Shark-infested offices

Nice guy DESTROYED by FACTS and LOGIC

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me and I told him about the AnimeCon I'm attending, and that I wanted to go as Sailor Mars, he told me he had no idea what that was. After being mad for about ten minutes, I realized that I wanted to break up with him over not knowing what Sailor Moon was. FML

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By GoldenShower - United States

Today, I was awoken by my son squirting liquid on me from a bottle. We have a high deer population in our area, so I spray urine contained in black bottle on my plants to help deter the deer from eating them. I also water my flowers with water from a blue bottle. My son used the black one. FML

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By shit streak - 21/4/2020 20:00

KoBabe

Today, my husband was changing our son’s overflowing diaper. Instead of getting up and walking the putrid mess to the bin, he decided to shoot it basketball-style. He missed and it hit the wall, sliding down leaving a huge sloppy streak. He expected me to clean it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to take my husband to the hospital because he thought it would be funny to Superglue googly eyes to his dick. FML

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By badbed - United Kingdom

Today, I had a friend over. We found my older brother's camera so decided to look through his photos but then we came across photos of him and his girlfriend having sex. We were laughing up until my friend decided to point out that they were having sex on my bed. FML

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By - France

Today, I dropped my keys in the sewer. The spare ones are inside my locked car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend got into a huge fight with her mom over the phone. After the fight, she looked ready to cry so I went over to comfort her. She went straight past me, and started confiding in her creepy, extremely expensive dolls instead. FML

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By Gary - Canada

Today, I was walking next to this building that was getting renovated, and read a sign that said "Watch out for falling debris at all times." While I was watching out for debris, I fell down a staircase. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Blackpool

Today, I was clipping my nails. When I got to my toenail, the whole thing somehow ripped right out. I'm in agony. FML

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By laurenraeee - United States

Today, I saw a video of me from over the weekend, naked, pretending to be a duck. What the fuck happened that night? FML

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By pennyhater - United States

Today, I was locked inside my dorm room. Yeah, inside. How? Some of my floormates decided to stick pennies in the door frame, which jammed the handle. I was stuck inside my room and had to pee really bad. I couldn't call an RA to get me out either. Why? I am the RA. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, in class my friend played a joke on me by pulling my seat from under me while i was about to sit. I fell and everybody laughed at me. During the next class, I did the same thing to him. He broke his arm. He was the star of the basketball team. Nobody laughed. FML

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By nakedyogagirl - United Kingdom

Today, on my way to work, the obese old guy in the house opposite mine offered me tips on my yoga technique. Not only were his tips helpful, but I now know I should either close my curtains or put clothes on when I do yoga. FML

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By BureaucraticLimbo

Card problem

Today, I was told I can't renew my Identity Card without a Social Security Card, and I can't get a replacement Social Security Card without an Identity Card. FML

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By Lucy - United States

Today, water turned to wine. That is, my brother put wine in my hamster's water bottle. Very bad idea. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was the designated driver. On the way home with my drunk friends, they decide to give me a beer shower. I swerved, and was pulled over by a cop moments after. I was the only one arrested. FML

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By Anonymous

Today I was really hitting it off with my blind date and was eager to arrange a second date. I gave him my number and he decided to call my phone so I could save his number. My phone didn’t ring. He got upset because he thought I gave him a fake number and stormed off. The battery was dead. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out how mature the guy I'm seeing is. After sex, he took the condom off and hit me in the face with it. FML

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32850

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By toughbf - Canada

Today, my boyfriend asked me to beat him up so he could look tough around his friends. When I just stared at him, he added, "Please don't break anything though. Nothing too serious." FML

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By Nightbird827

Today, a police officer pulled me over. He asked me where I was headed, so I jokingly replied, "Probably to jail after you run my name". He laughed and took my information, only to then arrest me for unpaid parking tickets I never received. FML

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By Yudor - France

Today, my girlfriend told me that she woke up after yesterday’s party with someone else’s trousers. FML

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26367

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By diesel444 - United States

Today, I mentioned to my dad (we have a close relationship) that my last condom had expired. Happy to buy me new ones for the sake of safe sex, he asked me "Do you need small, or extra small?" FML

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By wherefelix - United States

Today, I woke up early, showered, dressed, and made the 40 minute drive to work, only to discover when I arrived that today was my day off. When I got home my live in boyfriend was gone. I called and he told me he was at the beach, right near my work. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2020 05:01

Vicious and unprovoked

Today, while I was playing football with a friend, my sister wanted to join in. She was messing around with the ball at the start, then suddenly she kicked the ball through my legs, pulled my shorts down and kneed me in the nuts. FML

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By psychic parents, how do they work? :( - United States - Effingham

Today, I went to my dad, hoping to confess something to him. He quickly said that if I'd got my girlfriend pregnant, he'd kill me. That's exactly what happened. I had to make up a lie instead about stealing $50 from his wallet once as a kid, which he then demanded I pay back in full. FML

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By tipmeover - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I had a job interview at a café. The interviewer asked me my availability and I told her that I was fully flexible. She laughed and said, "Really? That's tragic." FML

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By crazy cat lady - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, I learned I'm allergic to the 5-month-old kitten we got 3 days ago. It loves me, follows me everywhere and sleeps on my lap in the evenings. FML

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By Hm - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, I was sitting in the airport, watching the baggage handlers load the plane I was about to get on. They were being really rough with it, one bag came open and all the clothes spilled out onto the tarmac. The clothes looked familiar. They were mine. FML

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By xxruby - United States - Katy

Today, I worked my boyfriend's shift so he could stay home. I even brought him the free meal I got for helping out. Turns out he wanted to stay home so badly to cheat on me. FML

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By Da Boss - Canada - Calgary

Today, my coworker and I agreed to come clean and tell our fellow employees that we have been secretly dating for a while. Before we could, I received a promotion. I am now his boss. FML

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By ThisBlows - United States

Today, I caught my wife slipping penis enlargement pills into my coffee. FML

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By fencernick - United States

Today, I was eating a hamburger on the street when a pigeon came down to take a bite. I ran and got 30 birds or so chasing me. My legs were burning, half of my burger was gone, and an entire office building was laughing at me. FML

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By Khrixas_069 - United States

Today, I was about to make love to my girlfriend at the local park when a cop caught us. I had to give him our information and hold a conversation with "Fire and Ice" lubricant on my penis. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was informed after submitting my request to have Christmas off about 2 weeks prior to Thanksgiving that I was denied. About 15 minutes later, I overheard the person that denied my request talking with another agent, who put their request in today, that they were granted the holiday off. FML

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By dayum - Mexico

Today, my grandpa was wearing flip flops and white socks. He entered my restroom, and the moment he did it, I realized there was no toilet paper left. I felt too ashamed to interrupt his dump, so I waited for him to ask for paper, he never did and came out without socks. FML

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By samantha - United States

Today, I found out that after using several types of birth control, and being paranoid about pregnancy, I've been infertile for years. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while working at my dead-end call centre job that couldn't get any worse, I answered a call from a customer who was having loud sex. I still needed to sound professional and tell her when a product was released. FML

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By kissandcontrol01 - United States - Hanford

Today, I decided to take a well-deserved shower. When I let my hair down, twenty six cents fell onto the floor. I have no idea how they got there. FML

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By anon - United Kingdom

Today, I heard that there's a rumour going around that I was caught masturbating while crying at a party after the girl I liked got with someone else. FML

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By Rachael - United States

Today, as a part of my job, I took a couple around to look at houses that are on sale. After driving them around and looking at tons of houses, the wife said, "Okay. I think we have enough decorating ideas." FML

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Top comments

By dani_fizzle | 0

#89125 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 5:08

hey man
better than aids

By khaldun | 0

#2608 - Monday 16 February 2009 12:12

Haha. I got mono last semester and had to withdraw from school. It's the perfect excuse to do absolutely nothing for two straight months, even if it does suck for awhile. And at least the way you got it was rather epic... To this day I still don't know how I got it, which pisses me off even more, I think.

COMMENTS

By khaldun | 0

#2608 - Monday 16 February 2009 12:12

SirDirtyRedD | 15

#5813799 - Thursday 2 January 2014 8:53

I got mono in 8th grade by this stupid girl who was cheatin on me. I didnt have the luxurybof bein allowed to check out of school by my parents.....i just apent alot of time in the bathroom

By ohmannn | 0

#3813 - Thursday 19 February 2009 5:58

I was in the hospital for five days on morphine because of the pain.. I never got a fever though. And the guy I was fooling around with a week before didn't get it at all..

By twitteraddict | 0

#6479 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 17:04

what the fuck is mono???

teentee401 | 36

#6048363 - Tuesday 26 August 2014 12:10

Why not Google it?

By khaldun | 0

#6516 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 18:48

Mono: short for mononucleosis. Maybe you know it as glandular fever?

By khaldun | 0

#6544 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 19:20

Also, I really feel the need to send you here:

http://tinyurl.com/brq6ou

By laughingchick | 0

#18814 - Saturday 7 March 2009 0:16

f. i have mono :/

By jim_witness | 0

#24921 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 21:40

Congrats!!

By Rats_fml | 0

#27543 - Thursday 12 March 2009 3:21

well, at least you had fun getting the mono (i hope)!

By pdoom | 0

#33525 - Monday 16 March 2009 0:55

Better mono than the clap or something!

By jsmith1199 | 0

#42051 - Thursday 19 March 2009 4:54

that's y u shouldnt have a 3some with 2 guys. 2 girls is the only acceptable form of a 3some