By Karma

Karma karma karma karma chameleon, you come and go.

Today, I forgot my phone in a restaurant bathroom because I was too distracted trying to steal three rolls of toilet paper without anyone noticing. After sinking that low because I was too broke to buy my own toilet roll, I'm now also in the market for a new phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2625

You deserved it

7035

Tweet

Share

Mother of the year

It's not unusual

Can't buy me love

By Username - United States

Today, while babysitting I decided to play with a children's puzzle to pass the time. Fifteen minutes in I gave up. The kid then came over and put it together in less than five. There were only ten pieces. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11923

You deserved it

59825

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I used the bathroom on a bus from New York to Boston, and carefully covered the seat with twenty of the single-square toilet paper rations. As I was peeing, the bus flew over a bump and swerved sharply, and my entire naked bottom was splashed with urine and poop. It wasn't my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks

82539

You deserved it

7931

Tweet

Share

By PillPopperApparently

Today, after constantly shaming me for my ADHD and anti-anxiety pills, my family finally convinced me to drop $250 on their trusted psychiatrist friend because they thought he’d talk me out of taking them. He recommended higher doses of everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2561

You deserved it

168

Tweet

Share

By LiquorChick - United States

Today, I was transporting liquor between stores for work. A car pulled out and cut me off, causing me to slam on my brakes. My car stopped. The 200 dollars-worth of booze did not. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28397

You deserved it

3530

Tweet

Share

By yeahno - United States

Today, I wore my high school letterman jacket while I was out shopping. A man saw me and muttered to his wife about how sad it is some adults can't grow up and continue to wear their high school paraphernalia, constantly trying to relive their senior year. I am a senior. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31731

You deserved it

2992

Tweet

Share

By Sadfaic - United States

Today, my long lost father came to visit me. He got drunk, then tried to beat me up. My neighbor called the police, and as soon as they got there, my father yelled, "Help! This man tried to stab me!" The sad part is, they believed him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35509

You deserved it

2123

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/4/2021 14:00

Alone time

Today, I had some unexpected alone time for the first time in months and decided to *ahem* play with an adult toy. As things were getting close to the end, my cat jumped up on the bed, saw the movement under the blanket and immediately pounced on my downstairs, puncturing certain delicate areas with his claws. FML

I agree, your life sucks

943

You deserved it

235

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 14/1/2021 02:01 - United States - Orlando

Covidiots

Today, I found out my roommate was exposed to COVID back on New Year's. She tested positive on the 4th and was scared too tell me because she, "didn't want me to see her as irresponsible." Now I can't work for 2 weeks and need to find a place to stay because my roommate still doesn't think it's "that serious." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1068

You deserved it

151

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United States

Today, my mother-in-law asked if she could move in with us. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39543

You deserved it

2972

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I'm on new medication that has a side effect of keeping me awake all night. Now I get to listen to my parents having sex at 2am when they think I'm fast asleep. FYI, my dad likes being spanked and being told that he's a really bad boy who needs punishment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5103

You deserved it

429

Tweet

Share

By nano123

Played yourself

Today, I gave myself a hickey on my bicep just to know how it feels. I'm a 28-year-old virgin and yes, that's possible. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1488

You deserved it

508

Tweet

Share

By anonymouss - United States

Today, I collided heads at a soccer game and needed 13 stitches in my head. I texted all my contacts to let them know I was in the hospital. I got back one response that said "bitch got what you deserve" it was from my cousin. No one else ever texted me back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52447

You deserved it

26320

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother decided to tell me about how my twin brother almost killed me in the womb when his cord wrapped around my neck. When she left the room, he said, "You won't be so lucky next time." FML

I agree, your life sucks

47494

You deserved it

4699

Tweet

Share

By I’m a boy - 9/3/2021 05:01

The step after egg mode

Today, I was told that because I have an anime profile picture, I’m obviously extremely ugly in real life. I’m not ugly, I’m trans. FML

I agree, your life sucks

599

You deserved it

744

Tweet

Share

By ringmaster101 - United States

Today, I went to the jewelry store to sell my wedding ring after a long and painful divorce. The shop owner took one look at it and called the cops because I tried to sell him a diamond ring that had been stolen from him 3 years ago. My ex-husband left the country a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

76859

You deserved it

3370

Tweet

Share

By waterproblem - United States

Today, my last task for the day as a high school janitor was to power-wash the concrete area where the graduation ceremony will take place. Tired and bored, I drew a huge penis with the power hose. Right before I was going to wash it off, the machine broke. Graduation is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19485

You deserved it

74914

Tweet

Share

By jennlikewhoa - United States

Today, I got robbed at the gas station I work at. After only getting $38 dollars out the register, the guy then steals my purse. It had my rent money in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39785

You deserved it

4516

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Redding

Today, I found out that someone I once babysat got a girlfriend before I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13207

You deserved it

1586

Tweet

Share

By Amy - United States

Today, I caught my boyfriend wearing yoga pants and taking pictures of his butt to post on a "Girls in yoga pants" site. He saw my expression and said, "Nah, it's cool, I hid my junk so they'll think it's a chick!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

44853

You deserved it

5961

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Ajax

Today, I discovered that my male coworker, who coincidentally shares my last name, has been telling everyone we're married. I'm 26; he's 58. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33960

You deserved it

2345

Tweet

Share

By brokeaf - United States

Today, I received a $50 iTunes card for my birthday. I immediately sat down at my computer and starting buying all my newest favorites. Then I realized I never redeemed my card so the $50 was all charged to my account. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11874

You deserved it

52431

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Marlborough

Today, I had to explain to my friend that being arrested isn't something a decent person should have on their bucket list. I had to explain this while bailing her out of jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21769

You deserved it

2414

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Dallas

Today, the last thing I remember before getting the shit beaten out of me at the bar, was my dipshit brother saying to me, "Dude, I'm not a racist, but" and then ranting about how non-whites should get out of America. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30960

You deserved it

3271

Tweet

Share

By goodbyeGPA

Today, the first day of school, I went to the book store to purchase my textbooks. Not only did I wait for 30 minutes, but they didn’t even have my books in stock. I was advised to visit another campus 45 minutes away. They didn’t have it either. I have assignments due already. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2749

You deserved it

707

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I declared I was done with online dating after several disasters. My friend set me up with a friend of her husband's. Turns out he's one of the men who rejected me on the website. He laughed when he saw me and said, "Well, this is awkward" and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14512

You deserved it

960

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my brother thought he would take my key and steal my shoes from my football locker while I was at practice. What he didn't think about was him leaving my locker unlocked for the 3 hours of practice. Someone stole my iPod, my cell phone, my wallet, and all of my clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47075

You deserved it

2829

Tweet

Share

By SheWentCrayola - United States

Today, I met some guys from my dad's workplace. They told him what a pretty daughter he had, to which he responded, "Nah, it's just shit-loads of makeup." FML

I agree, your life sucks

38883

You deserved it

7565

Tweet

Share

By Michelle - United States

Today, I was trying to have sex with my boyfriend, David. I moaned his name and he whispered, "I'm not David." Then, with an Italian accent, he said, "It's-a-me! Mario!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

69643

You deserved it

17424

Tweet

Share

By rattledwife666

Today, when I asked my husband to join me in the shower to "save water", he said, "Let the environment suffer, not me." FML

I agree, your life sucks

7400

You deserved it

947

Tweet

Share

By Asirual - United States

Checks out

Today, while handing out business cards to promote my new dog grooming business, I stopped to talk to a potential client. She let me get all the way through my 15-minute speech, before bothering to tell me she didn't have a dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28352

You deserved it

13130

Tweet

Share

By sopathetic - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were fooling around. I was sitting up on my bed when he reached down near my privates and said, "Wow babe, did you shave today? It's so soft..." He was actually touching my bottom roll above my vagina which delightfully formed a crease. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57866

You deserved it

21985

Tweet

Share

By rattlingfloorboards - United States

Today, a Karate dojo opened under my apartment. It's like living in a Bruce Lee movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27500

You deserved it

3267

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Allen

Today, I got screamed and honked at by a driver who felt I was in the way of his turn. I was on foot, and on the sidewalk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12815

You deserved it

922

Tweet

Share

By shortarse - Australia - Saint Lucia

Today, I finally moved into my own flat - no family, nor messy flatmates. Should be great, except for the fact that I'm so short, I have to climb onto the counter in the kitchen any time I want to reach my shelves. Like a child. I'm going to break my fucking neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4093

You deserved it

708

Tweet

Share

By Anja - 3/2/2021 03:30

Thanks, I hate it!

Today, I was having a horrible day and messaged a friend to vent. She replied with, "Eat a cookie" and proceeded to send me a picture with a "motivational" quote from her buddhistic spiritual leader. FML

I agree, your life sucks

585

You deserved it

203

Tweet

Share

By waterpistolriot - 23/10/2020 11:02 - Austria

Keeping up appearances

Today, I ordered food for delivery. I actually made it sound as if there were other people at home so I had an excuse for ordering so much. I don't think they bought it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

433

You deserved it

756

Tweet

Share

By lea5459 - United States - Medford

Today, my parents kindly told me what they are getting me for my 18th birthday. An eviction notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24593

You deserved it

3413

Tweet

Share

By Sam Stuhlinger - United States - Denver

Today, my friend with benefits that I was starting to like forgot my name in front of his friends when they asked who I was. We've known each other for at least a year. I think this means I'm just a benefit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2399

You deserved it

800

Tweet

Share

By unfortunate - United States

Today, my father informed me that I was born only because my mom lied about being on birth control. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50039

You deserved it

3174

Tweet

Share

By Neutered - United States - Anchorage

Today, I was enjoying a nice bath, when one of my cats jumped up on the rim and started purring. I thought it was sweet, until my other cat ran in and body-slammed the first into the tub with me. Being a conscientious cat owner, I hadn't de-clawed them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26055

You deserved it

6702

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7425099 - Wednesday 15 March 2017 2:20

You can tie a long string between two of the toilet paper roll cores and, voilà, you have a phone!

By kloring1 | 15

#7425110 - Wednesday 15 March 2017 3:54

You can afford to eat out but don't have money for toilet paper? Interesting priorities...

COMMENTS

By assassinmaster | 22

#7425096 - Wednesday 15 March 2017 2:13

Go back to the restaurant and try to exchange your phone back with 3 toilet rolls:)

By RichardPencil | 30

#7425099 - Wednesday 15 March 2017 2:20

You can tie a long string between two of the toilet paper roll cores and, voilà, you have a phone!

By thelittlem | 15

#7425104 - Wednesday 15 March 2017 3:02

wow I had to do the same once at the gym because I was broke too. I had to jump straight in the shower after going to the toilet before then.

By THARKI LUND | 1

#7425105 - Wednesday 15 March 2017 3:14

You mean, you are in market to steal a phone now. ?

By somedudesomewher | 29

#7425106 - Wednesday 15 March 2017 3:15

Get a bidet. You will never have to use toilet paper ever again. Problem solved.

Reply

jkjorn | 15

#7425349 - Wednesday 15 March 2017 19:19

Except bidets cost money too, probably way more than OP has.

Reply

somedudesomewher | 29

#7425685 - Thursday 16 March 2017 14:44

Fair point. In that case get a hand bidet. Those cost far less and work well for years. Most of them even come with warranty.

By kloring1 | 15

#7425110 - Wednesday 15 March 2017 3:54

You can afford to eat out but don't have money for toilet paper? Interesting priorities...

Reply

Jenmic | 14

#7425116 - Wednesday 15 March 2017 5:02

He could of just walked into a restaurant bathroom just to steal toilet paper. Not that your theory is impossible.

Reply

lukcy_basartd | 11

#7425197 - Wednesday 15 March 2017 11:38

She coulda just walked in the restaurant to boost toilet paper.

Reply

lukcy_basartd | 11

#7425198 - Wednesday 15 March 2017 11:39

She coulda just walked in the restaurant to boost toilet paper.

Reply

GofuckY0urSe1f | 2

#7425526 - Thursday 16 March 2017 6:00

or someone one else took him out to eat and thats another theory

By ElusiveMee | 6

#7425112 - Wednesday 15 March 2017 4:39

You're pretty much wiped out now.

By GIJoefan | 6

#7425130 - Wednesday 15 March 2017 6:54

So you're the one who took the toilet paper from the mall the other day.

By URBeingLied2 | 23

#7425245 - Wednesday 15 March 2017 14:19

All the people who voted "You Deserve It," have no idea what's it's like to be broke as fuck.

Reply

CSpencer2015 | 1

#7425741 - Thursday 16 March 2017 18:18

Can't afford toilet paper but can afford a smart phone... seems legit.

By Colon_Man | 17

#7425261 - Wednesday 15 March 2017 15:19

If you're that broke go back to mom and dad's house.
(If anything, just to steal toilet paper)