Money and Geek: Today, I was checking my phone while using the toilet. In a distressing...

By Anonymous - United States - Stamford

Today, I was checking my phone while using the toilet. In a distressing moment of my brain mixing up the signals to my hands, I dropped my phone into the bowl and pressed my thumb into the shitty paper to turn it off. FML

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Money

Geek

Commando

Late term

Jonah begs to differ

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a romantic date to the mountains to look a stars with a boy I had just met. We started kissing and he stopped, asking if it was rude for him to take me home now. After getting dropped off, he texted me saying we could never do that again and we should never talk about it. FML

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By arknvl - Norway - Trondheim

Today, my boss yelled at me for visiting Facebook on my work computer. He says that since I can't be trusted, I'll be supervised from now on. I was uploading pictures to the company's Facebook page, which I have to do once a week as part of my job. FML

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By thebravelittletoaster - United Kingdom

Today, the estranged crumbs in my toaster caught light while I was making breakfast. The toast, toaster, and my wooden bench are now little more than collateral damage. FML

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By not the cook - United States - Wernersville

Today, I found out that my restaurant's food is so bad that the only reason some people visit is because they're punishing their kids. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dansville

Today, my boyfriend and I were having dinner with my family. He killed a bug and ate it. FML

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By Phabia - United States - Newton

Today, I was sent to the front office for having blood shot eyes and smelling like smoke. I just didn't get enough sleep and had trouble putting my contacts in, and I always smell like smoke because of my parents' excessive smoking. They didn't believe me. My parents had to come in to back me up. FML

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By ipopnlok - Australia

Romance is dead

Today, I planned a romantic dinner with rose petals, the whole lot, for my ex-girlfriend to win her back. When I took her to my house, I told her to guess what I had planned, to which she replied, "I hope it's not a stupid romantic dinner with rose petals and shit." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting it on with my boyfriend in my dorm room. My roommate came in, despite the signal I had up on the door. She didn't leave. She got on her computer and started playing Solitaire. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had to moisturise my dog's testicles because they got sunburnt. FML

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By waternixie - Malaysia - Rembau

Today, my OCD reached a new high when I used a correction pen to white-out an eyelash which was photocopied onto every single page of my reading material. I did it because the eyelash was too distracting and I couldn't finish reading the article without the urge to rip it into shreds. FML

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By somefamily - United States - Wayne

Today, I found out that I've been calling my boyfriend's dad by the wrong name for the past two years. No one had told me sooner because they liked laughing at me for it when I wasn't around. FML

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By BlueMacaw - United States - Edmond

Today, at church, I sneezed suddenly and messily into my hand just as the priest asked us to stand and greet our neighbors with a handshake. FML

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By the other guy? - Australia - Perth

Today, I was watching last week's episode of The Walking Dead with my girlfriend. When the gang leader explained the rules of the group to Daryl, I reached over, grabbed my girlfriend's boobs and yelled, "Claimed!" She shot back, "Yeah, they are. But not by you." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my boyfriend, who is supposed to protect me from murderers and rapists, had an emotional breakdown because he was so excited that I'd cooked french fries for dinner. FML

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By twit - United States

Today, a girl-scout asked me to buy cookies, in front of Giant. She looked nice, so I bought 5 boxes from her. She took the money and went home with her mom. I opened the boxes when I got home and realized that the boxes just had rocks in them. I got scammed by a girl-scout. FML

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By coolkid111 - United States

Today, I was going to my prom. My mom knows I want to drink so to prevent me, she made sure I took my prescription medicine before I left. I guess her way of stopping me from drinking is killing myself If I do. FML

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By msamberjade - United States - Columbus

New movie

Today, my boyfriend came home with three of his best friends and broke up with me in front of them. Then, when I asked if we could talk privately, he filmed it for "documentation". FML

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By sick - United States

Today, I got up and left for work despite being really sick, because I had a big meeting. Halfway to work, in deadlocked traffic, my boss texts me to let me know he's rescheduling the meeting to tomorrow because of personal conflicts. FML

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By weirdedout - United States

Today, while sitting at a red light, my mother asks "Do you have any intimacy questions?" FML

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By showerpower - United States

Today, while in the shower with my girlfriend she was going on and on about how she thinks she's fat when she's in perfect shape. With what she said still on my mind, I meant to say "honey, you're so beautiful", but accidentally said "honey, you're so fat". I'll be sleeping alone tonight. FML

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By overlandparkmommie - United States

Today, I was so totally stressed out at work that I took my car into the park and reclined my seat and shut my eyes. Soon I noticed the soothing sounds of raindrops on my car and I felt a little better for once. I opened my eyes to see that a bunch of birds had crapped all over my car. FML

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By crub - United States

Today, I had my quarterly review with my supervisor at the warehouse I work at. He told me I was doing great and we discussed my raise. After I left his office, his supervisor told me I was being fired for my attendance. The last time I missed work was to attend a funeral. Five months ago. FML

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By Deweyboy - United States

Today, while playing a game, my girlfriend told a bunch of our friends that she's never had an orgasm. News to me. FML

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By PeeLeg

Today, I finally got a tattoo of an alchemy symbol that I've wanted for years. I also found out later that symbol stands for urine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a month after my 21st birthday, I received my health exam results. I don't remember the night of the birthday because I was hammered. However, I called my friend and it's now clear that the stripper they paid to have her way with me, had Chlamydia. FML

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By Casden - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my best friend. I have been getting explicit texts and phone calls so I just joking said to my friend, "I think someone wrote my number on a bathroom stall." At which point he said, "Sorry, I didn't think people really called those numbers." FML

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By nobrony - United States - Katonah

Today, my girlfriend got a tattoo of a Rainbow Dash over her pubic mound. Now whenever I go down on her, I'll be eye-to-eye with an adorable pony that shits rainbows. FML

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By Brendan - Canada

Today, while on lunch break, my fat, old co-worker walked into the break-room. I managed to block out his perverted heavy breathing, but had to leave when he began emitting a terrible odor that smelled like cheesy, sweaty molding feet. I barely held onto my lunch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bessemer

Today, while working at a client's house, I noticed that their sliding calendar was several months off. I fixed it. Later the daughter saw and started crying. Apparently the date was the last one her mother had set it to before she died. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Akron

Today, as my boyfriend went to go down on me, he felt it necessary to stop at my stomach and clean the lint out of my belly button. 5ML

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By SlappyMcGee - United States

Today, I was talking to a hot girl at the bus stop. She seemed interested in me and I was feeling a connection forming. When the bus came, I offered to let her board first, but she said it "wasn't her bus" and said goodbye. Later, I realized I'd spent 20 minutes making moves on a prostitute. FML

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By kagan

Today, the only food in the house is canned beans and vegetables that I can’t stand. My dad refuses to go to the store because, "we can't afford it." Meanwhile, my stepmom just came home with a brand new Gucci purse. FML

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By Ashley - United States - Bellerose

Today, I spent my entire paycheck on a new summer wardrobe. I then left my shopping bags on the train. FML

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By slim_breezy - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had to rush my son to the ER after he ate a poisonous plant. He said the plant looked like one in Skyrim and he thought he'd get super powers from eating it. FML

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By sneezer - France

Today, while kissing my girlfriend's neck, I sneezed a blob of snot onto her. She told me that "it doesn't matter", while hiccuping a bit of vomit. FML

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By lemonadedisguise - United States

Today, I was out to dinner with a friend. When the bill came with a customer satisfaction survey, I put honestly that the "server friendliness" was "below average." Ten minutes later, I had to return to the restaurant to beg the waitress for my keys, which I had left on the table. FML

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By Bad Cat

Today, I saw my cat playing in the other room. Fascinated, I watched him for a few minutes before I realized he was playing with one of my daughter's fish. Well, what was left of it. FML

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By mszoe - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was checking the family's computer history, and found that "Shrek Porn" had been searched multiple times. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2021 00:30

Hi uncle, I'm dad

Today, I found out I'm an uncle. Normally this would be great news, except I have spent the last 8 years thinking I was her father. FML

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By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Sweden

Dad prank #9866

Today, I had to basically ground my own husband, after he tricked our 6-year-old son into getting his tongue stuck to a frozen pole. FML

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Top comments

By John Nemeth | 14

#7617110 - Friday 30 March 2018 3:21

When the first sentence reads.

"When I was reading my phone on the toilet"

You know where it's going to end

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7617095 - Friday 30 March 2018 2:13

That had to be a seriously awkward video call.

COMMENTS

By shaunaminchue | 8

#7617091 - Friday 30 March 2018 1:55

What a shitty situation

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7617095 - Friday 30 March 2018 2:13

That had to be a seriously awkward video call.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7617099 - Friday 30 March 2018 3:00

At least you didn't try to wipe your butt with your phone.

julfunky | 29

#7617132 - Friday 30 March 2018 4:51

That would probably be better. Disgusting? Absolutely. But less likely to fry your phone than dropping it in a bowl of water.

By John Nemeth | 14

#7617110 - Friday 30 March 2018 3:21

When the first sentence reads.

"When I was reading my phone on the toilet"

You know where it's going to end

By CrazyTrainWreck | 19

#7617122 - Friday 30 March 2018 4:12

All is not well on the porcelain throne.

By raven_of_azarath | 32

#7617127 - Friday 30 March 2018 4:18

This is why you always put your phone down on the counter when it’s time to wipe.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7617134 - Friday 30 March 2018 5:11

I hope it was a shitty phone to begin with, because now it is.

By Marta Perlicka | 13

#7617140 - Friday 30 March 2018 7:00

Gives a whole new meaning to turn that shit off.

By Shefaa Abu Abdulah | 5

#7617232 - Friday 30 March 2018 13:00

hey at least you still have your phone my iphone7 was stolen from my pocket two days ago and fyi my mother put almost all of her money into that phone.

Lalala579121 | 27

#7617509 - Saturday 31 March 2018 6:14

If only there were a website where people could submit stories of bad things that happened to them...

devi_916 | 39

#7617549 - Saturday 31 March 2018 10:08

This comment sounds like it belongs on one of FML's "Best of the Worst" lists.

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7617287 - Friday 30 March 2018 14:43

Not sure if you wanna pick it up afterwards. Every time you use your phone, it'll be like pressing shit on your face.