Money and Geek: Today, I was checking my phone while using the toilet. In a distressing... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 97

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 459

You deserved it 72

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 498

You deserved it 37

29/03/2018 19:30

Today, I was checking my phone while using the toilet. In a distressing moment of my brain mixing up the signals to my hands, I dropped my phone into the bowl and pressed my thumb into the shitty paper to turn it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 594

You deserved it 3 643

Our house, in the middle of our street

Walk the line

Addams Family Values

03/05/2015 05:58

Today, our new boss banned coffee from the workplace, comparing caffeine to hard drugs. His comparison may not be wrong; after two hours, I couldn't take it any more, and in between fantasising about his cold-blooded murder, I begged to be allowed just one last cup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 374

You deserved it 5 029

28/03/2011 05:56

Today, I discovered my cat frequently licks my toothbrush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 603

You deserved it 5 961

31/07/2013 03:06

Today, I finally gave away all of the stuffed animals that I've been hoarding for years. Proud, I told my family. They congratulated me by buying me stuffed animals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 879

You deserved it 4 939

25/07/2009 09:55

Today, my 9 year old niece asked me if I was a virgin. I told her, "Yes, I'm saving myself until marriage". She replied, "That's a load of bullshit, you just can't get a guy!" Sadly, she's right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 270

You deserved it 9 000

14/12/2010 18:41

Today, I got home from work to find an eviction notice taped to my door, stating that I was a nuisance and had 30 days to vacate the property. I live at home with my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 321

You deserved it 8 843

21/04/2009 13:48

Today, I brought my dog to the vet for a routine surgery. The vets assured me that no dog had ever died during this procedure. Apparently my dog was the first. FML

I agree, your life sucks 129 547

You deserved it 5 333

Rekt

By Shaun - 16/06/2009 02:13

Today, I rode my bike to work. While biking on the road, I gave a hand signal for turning left. A car passing the opposite way veered towards me and attempted to give me a high five. I now have cuts all over my body and my bike is in two pieces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 88 251

You deserved it 6 141

Stickler for details

By notagyno - 29/03/2013 14:19

Spicy

Today, I realized how badly medical education has ruined me when I couldn't enjoy erotic literature because of one subtle anatomy mistake the author made. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 777

You deserved it 9 088

09/11/2009 05:05

Today, my boyfriend tried to be romantic by dipping me backwards and kissing me. He dropped me on my butt and stepped on my hand while trying to help me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 237

You deserved it 5 093

Call the police

By Anonymous - 10/06/2021 22:00

Today, I was looking at my pictures and there are none of me and my boyfriend together. The only photographic evidence of our relationship are pictures of bruises he has given me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 020

You deserved it 210

18/11/2014 00:56

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because of the scratch marks on my back. I didn't have the nerve to tell her I tried to shower with the cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 772

You deserved it 35 718

28/04/2011 23:13

Today, a little girl wandered into the glass-cleaning area of the pub I work at. It's a dangerous place for a little kid, so I took her hand and asked where her mum was. The kid starts screaming and the mother appears in the doorway shouting "GET AWAY FROM MY BABY!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 533

You deserved it 3 497

That shirt is FIRE!

By Anonymous - 06/09/2019 04:01

Today, my shirt caught on fire when I was burning paper for my ancestors at the cemetery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 260

You deserved it 333

19/02/2013 03:21

Today, as my lame excuse to not give a guy I met at a club my phone number, I told him I didn't have a cell phone. Guess what I checked when he asked me what time it was a few minutes later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 337

You deserved it 54 699

Oh, hello there!

By secretmisery05 - 25/05/2020 17:00

Today, my husband and I waited until the TV shut off at 11 p.m. in the next room to signal his grandmother had retired to her bed upstairs. After doing it on a very squeaky bed, we went out naked half an hour later to go to the restroom across the hall, only to discover his Nana laying on the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 031

You deserved it 651

01/09/2014 02:55

Today, I went out with my best friend to McDonald's for a late night snack. Turns out she lied to me and just used me to pick up the boy she likes so they could go stargazing. I'm now laying beside them as they look at the stars and make out. I just want fries. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 608

You deserved it 5 200

22/11/2016 14:33

Today, I asked my husband if he wanted to visit my parents for Thanksgiving. He choked on his own spit to avoid answering the question. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 256

You deserved it 1 503

10/01/2014 11:15

Today, I'm trapped in my apartment, due to the fact that five raccoons have decided to sit outside my only door and prevent me from getting out. Every time I look at one, they hiss at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 262

You deserved it 5 748

23/09/2009 01:10

Today, I received a phone call from the number of a "single" guy I met online. It was his wife, who is three months pregnant. She threatened to kick my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 257

You deserved it 8 019

10/06/2013 23:35

Today, my boyfriend threw out my old voicemail recorder, thinking it was junk. My father passed away years ago. I kept a recording of the last voicemail he'd left me on it so I'd always remember his voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 897

You deserved it 4 201

26/04/2019 18:00

Today, in an effort to spice up our love life, I greeted my husband at the front door in lingerie and stilettos. He took one look at me and asked if I wanted him to shovel the driveway before it snowed again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 122

You deserved it 286

24/03/2016 14:03

Today, I managed to have 17 different nosebleeds throughout the most important job interview of my life. I managed to bleed all over my own suit, my résumé, the carpet, and the corridor leading to the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 601

You deserved it 1 531

28/02/2015 09:04

Today, I went through the nightmare of having to go to my doctor so he could remove a living spider from my nasal cavity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 327

You deserved it 2 632

23/08/2018 22:05

Today, I got the hiccups during an exam. I wasn't allowed to leave to get a drink of water, so I had to sit there and take my test while hiccuping violently. The teacher ended up sending me to the hall and ripping up my test for "distracting the other students". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 431

You deserved it 206

21/09/2015 03:00

Today, I walked face first into a near-invisible spiderweb. There's nothing worse than the feeling of a spider web wrapped around your face. Except maybe the feeling of the spider that saw my screaming mouth as a good hiding spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 932

You deserved it 2 159

03/08/2011 14:33

Spicy

Today, I got an anonymous letter, stating my condo's community and all my neighbors can hear me having sex. Not only that, but kids gather around my window to listen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 631

You deserved it 37 418

21/09/2009 04:02

Today, I bought the girl I like a bouquet of roses saying "anonymous" on it, and left it on her front porch. She saw it, and called the guy she thought it was from. He said "you're welcome" and now they're going out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 041

You deserved it 45 216

28/04/2011 10:28

Today, my football coach thought it would be a good idea to get drunk, run to the other sideline, and scream, "WELCOME TO SPARTA, BITCH!" This would've been funny if he weren't also my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 326

You deserved it 4 206

01/10/2012 07:18

Today, I was riding the subway home with some friends, and when I noticed something smelled awful. My friends noticed it too. After searching for the source of the smell, it became apparent that it was my breath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 283

You deserved it 19 021

20/12/2018 14:00

Today, I dressed up in new lingerie I had bought to surprise my partner. He said "what do you want? Just go to bed instead". So much for that new confidence. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2 450

You deserved it 209

09/01/2014 19:02

Today, like every day since my wife was prescribed antibiotics for an infection, I had to hide one of the pills inside her food, because she'd apparently rather fall seriously ill than swallow them like an adult. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 711

You deserved it 4 514

18/07/2014 16:49

Today, I ran into my boyfriend of 5 years. The weird thing was that he was supposed to be in Iran. The even weirder thing was that he was with his wife and kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 705

You deserved it 5 893

23/07/2017 05:00

Spicy

Today, I went camping. The night was calm and quiet, so we went to our separate tents to sleep. I closed my eyes, listening to the distant waves and my father playing porn in the tent beside me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 007

You deserved it 442

19/08/2013 16:00

Today, I forgot to shut off some pumps before closing the main valves that run to them. Several sirens soon started blaring at a deafening level. I'm new here and nobody else is around. I don't know how to shut the sirens off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 273

You deserved it 7 274

Toxic Managers

By impishsamaritan - 07/09/2019 22:00

Today, I had to pretend in front of our director that my manager is a nice person. In reality, she's a soul-sucking bully who has made my life so miserable that twice I was on the brink of nervous breakdown. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 514

You deserved it 301

08/07/2016 22:09

Today, my boss reprimanded me for a huge screw-up that he was responsible for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 722

You deserved it 830

31/05/2009 03:34

Today, I met this really nice guy at the mall and he gave me his number. Later that night, I texted him. We got on the subject of food, and I started talking about how much I love veal. He responded with saying I was supporting animal murder, that I should go to hell and lose his number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 015

You deserved it 20 599

Willpower

By Anonymous - 11/09/2019 14:00

Today, I started my new health kick: granola for breakfast, salad for lunch and gym after work. I was so proud of myself until I couldn’t take it anymore and binged at McDonald’s. My health kick lasted 11 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 742

You deserved it 1 626

19/04/2016 12:01

Spicy

Today, I learned that not texting my girlfriend for two days is considered dumping her, and is ample reason to screw other men. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 225

You deserved it 9 935

08/07/2014 04:26

Today, I almost got fired from work because a customer complained that I "threw up gang signs" at him. I was blocking the sun from my eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 553

You deserved it 3 465

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Friday 30 March 2018 3:21

When the first sentence reads. "When I was reading my phone on the toilet" You know where it's going to end

Donut_Wizard 23

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Friday 30 March 2018 2:13

That had to be a seriously awkward video call.

Comments

shaunaminchue 8

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Friday 30 March 2018 1:55

What a shitty situation

Donut_Wizard 23

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Friday 30 March 2018 2:13

That had to be a seriously awkward video call.

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Friday 30 March 2018 3:00

At least you didn't try to wipe your butt with your phone.

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Friday 30 March 2018 4:51

That would probably be better. Disgusting? Absolutely. But less likely to fry your phone than dropping it in a bowl of water.

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Friday 30 March 2018 3:21

When the first sentence reads. "When I was reading my phone on the toilet" You know where it's going to end

CrazyTrainWreck 19

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Friday 30 March 2018 4:12

All is not well on the porcelain throne.

raven_of_azarath 34

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Friday 30 March 2018 4:18

This is why you always put your phone down on the counter when it’s time to wipe.

RichardPencil 30

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Friday 30 March 2018 5:11

I hope it was a shitty phone to begin with, because now it is.

Marta Perlicka 13

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Friday 30 March 2018 7:00

Gives a whole new meaning to turn that shit off.

Shefaa Abu Abdulah 5

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Friday 30 March 2018 13:00

hey at least you still have your phone my iphone7 was stolen from my pocket two days ago and fyi my mother put almost all of her money into that phone.

Lalala579121 27

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Saturday 31 March 2018 6:14

If only there were a website where people could submit stories of bad things that happened to them...

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Saturday 31 March 2018 10:08

This comment sounds like it belongs on one of FML's "Best of the Worst" lists.

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Friday 30 March 2018 14:43

Not sure if you wanna pick it up afterwards. Every time you use your phone, it'll be like pressing shit on your face.