By James - 1/4/2020 17:00

Gordon says you SUCK

Today, my sister was so bored during the lockdown that she let me attempt to cook an omelette without turning the stove on, just so she had something amusing to watch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

689

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The best cat

Does it taste good?

British Broadcasting Corporation

By Ugly_Broke_Medussssssa - 16/8/2018 01:30

Today, while working at my job in a luxury retail store, a woman left me a business card. It was for a plastic surgeon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2695

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188

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By driverman12 - 4/4/2009 19:42 - United States

Today, I was driving on the freeway when I saw a car in front of me swerving across 3 lanes of traffic. Thinking he might be drunk, I dialed 911 on my phone, but I dropped it. I fished under my seat to get it, swerving, and got pulled over by highway patrol and given a field sobriety test. FML

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44066

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30836

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By cheekymonkey97 - 24/10/2016 16:48

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend whilst straddled on top of him. He started to undo my bra. I was fine with this but he stopped kissing me and looked at me with a slight smile. He then said, "I know this is going to kill the mood... but I feel like I could milk your boobs right now" FML

I agree, your life sucks

12296

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1380

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By jake - 12/8/2014 10:21 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I dropped my kid into a crowded wishing fountain instead of a coin. FML

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24678

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40531

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By chiraag87 - 6/11/2009 18:37 - United States

Today, I was called into work to fix up their projection system. I drove 40 kilometers in peak hour to get there. As soon as I parked my car and was about to walk in, I got a phone call saying "Don't worry, we fixed it, you don't have to come in." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28314

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2195

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2020 20:00

The curse

Today, at a time when dating app usage is at an all time high, in 3 months I've only managed 4 likes and one brief match on Bumble. I'm not terrible looking by any means, yet I'm weeks away from my 8-year anniversary of being single. Am I cursed or something? FML

I agree, your life sucks

1363

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201

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By "crazycrochetlady" - 17/12/2018 20:00

Today, I'm 7 weeks pregnant. For the first time in a week I feel well enough to eat something that isn't cheerios, a bagel, or crackers . I woke up 2 hours after going to bed with the shits. I'm almost convinced this kid hates me already. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2110

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223

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2011 11:24 - Australia

Today, I got my first hand job. I started bleeding. FML

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45272

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5863

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2016 03:02 - Canada - Fort Smith

Today, for Mother's Day, I surprised my Mother with the news I that I'll be visiting in June. The last time we got to visit was 4 years ago, we live 4000 miles apart and it's a very expensive trip. She said, "No, come next June, I want to lose some more weight before seeing you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

13411

You deserved it

1116

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By hwood - 9/9/2009 16:53 - United States

Today, my Grandmother was sent to the ER. My family blamed it on her being allergic to my cats, making me feel guilty. She just called me to tell me the test results informed her that she is actually allergic to the carrot cake they got her. I gave my cats away 15 minutes ago to a little girl. FML

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46347

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8162

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By ouch - 12/7/2013 07:22 - United States

Today, my mom got drunk and punched me in the nose, then yelled at me for bleeding on the carpet. FML

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60989

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4713

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By cwhitney7 - 22/12/2014 15:04 - United States - Waltham

Today, I decorated my boyfriend's house for Christmas as a surprise, just in time for him and his family to come home. Also just in time for him to tell me he's Jewish. FML

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35651

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13255

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2014 21:31 - Ireland

Today, I've had my tenth "Christmas" dinner since Christmas last took place. My mum has gone nuts and keeps playing Christmas music, making these dinners, and refusing to let me take down the Christmas decorations. My dad is too whipped to save us from this hell. FML

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49108

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4662

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2010 16:22 - United States

Today, I held my cousin's new baby, whom I have nicknamed Canteloupe Head. He then reenacted the Exorcist by projectile vomiting all over my lap and shirt. His mom is a firm believer in karma. FML

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10016

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35258

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By w-dog - 24/8/2009 17:33 - Canada

Today, after spending $15,000 to treat my dog's cancer over the past two months, he died of kidney failure. FML

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60427

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19761

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By Weirdo - 30/12/2013 18:39 - United States

Today, I went to church for the first time in my life. They had a Jesus statue at the altar, and I noticed he was surprisingly muscular. Ten minutes later, I had to excuse myself, after I caught myself fantasizing over a crucified Jesus. FML

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12580

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39158

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By mikeycoco - 20/5/2011 14:39

Today, I got motion sickness while having sex. FML

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44125

You deserved it

6843

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2013 16:42 - United States

Today, after being told by her therapist to try to make her kids a bigger part of her life because we're so distant from her, my mom's new favorite thing to do is to constantly use the words "YOLO" and "swag" around us. FML

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54670

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5626

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By me - 14/1/2012 01:38 - United States

Today, I met my son for the first time since I had to put him up for adoption over two decades ago. I wanted to make amends and get to know him. Instead, all I got to know was how well he can throw a punch. FML

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24103

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56870

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By LagSwitchFTW - 25/1/2013 22:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I played an intense paintball match, with me and my friends versus my boyfriend and his buddies. When we won, my boyfriend went mental and said he only lost because of "lag". When I pointed out we weren't in a video game, he reacted by firing a paintball straight into my chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42923

You deserved it

5980

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By anonymous - 16/2/2015 12:57 - Australia - Rockdale

Today, I received a bunch of flowers from my 'lover'. This would be fine except that I don't have a lover, and my boyfriend now thinks I'm cheating. FML

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36470

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2954

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By sorethumb - 15/12/2015 23:39 - United Kingdom - Bookham

Today, while observing a surgery, I was asked to open a glass ampule of adrenaline. Not only did I break it and get it everywhere, I sliced open my thumb bad enough to need stitches. FML

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19406

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3342

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2016 23:40 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, for the first time in a while I decided to wear a skirt. Everytime I sit down my thighs trap air and make a farting sound. FML

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20123

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2763

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By FANZZY - 18/8/2014 16:29 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I learned that when someone is choking you don't do the "hymen maneuver", you do the "heimlich maneuver". I was corrected by my girlfriend's parents. FML

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35151

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16179

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By Kitten - 6/9/2018 03:30

Today, my sister smashed a cup on my head because I told her she couldn't borrow one of my necklaces since she lost one and stole another. I was grounded for "antagonizing" her into doing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3228

You deserved it

145

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By honeymooner - 28/3/2012 10:47 - South Africa - Braamfontein

Today, I received a coupon for a special offer including flights and accommodation for the honeymoon destination that my fiancé and I are keen on. Yesterday, I paid the full price for the flight tickets and hotel deposit for the honeymoon. FML

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26348

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2602

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By babysitter - 17/4/2009 04:14 - United States

Today, I went to babysit. I was told the parents would be gone when I arrived. I went and started playing with the kids. All of a sudden I heard a scream. I opened the parents' door with a knife in hand to find them having sex. I got paid so adults could get laid. While I was there. 6 ft. away. FML

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64796

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3715

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2010 00:44 - United States

Today, I attempted to be nice and hold a door open for a person in a wheelchair. He hit the button to open another door. While I pointed out that I would hold the door for him, I realized that the door I was holding open for him led down some stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11666

You deserved it

35681

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By datingfail - 14/8/2016 12:06 - Australia - Northcote

Today, I went on a date with a guy who told me his main aim in life is to live alone in an isolated lighthouse. FML

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12701

You deserved it

1102

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By skipper - 12/2/2009 17:25 - United States

Today, I listened to my room mate having sex from 3 A.M. until 6 A.M. When I looked over at my girlfriend, who must have thought I was sleeping, I noticed she was masturbating. FML

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47569

You deserved it

12016

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By onlyme123 - 27/6/2018 15:00

Today, I got a phone call. I thought it was just one of these toll free numbers that were always calling so when I answered the phone, I said, “City morgue: you stab 'em, we slab 'em! How may I help you?” It was my college calling to discuss my grades. FML

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1851

You deserved it

3593

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2019 12:00

Today, while volunteering at my local library, a guy who smelled like crap followed me around all day. Every time I would bend over to shelf a book, he would start grunting. Apparently, he's going to be at the library every day. FML

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1830

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, I was on a drive with my uncle. We saw a dead deer on the side of the road and expressed our pity for it. Then a squirrel runs across the road and my uncle swerves toward the squirrel, laughing hysterically and yelling, "Run rodent run." FML

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29465

You deserved it

4196

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By mylifesucks22 - 29/12/2010 06:01 - United States

Today, I woke up from an amazing dream. I dreamt that I got a promotion at work and doubled my income, the dream was so great that I tried so hard not to wake up. When I did wake up it was 10 o'clock, two hours late for work I noticed I had a voicemail from my boss. I was fired for being late. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14482

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32043

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2012 13:30 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, my parents told me that they had joined a local club. Proud of them for going out of their comfort zone to make new friends, I googled the name of the club. I'm sure they'll make some lifelong friends at their first swingers club meet. FML

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30504

You deserved it

3187

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By vmml97 - 17/8/2009 21:16 - Canada

Today, my boss called me into his office. He then fired me. Upset, I asked him "Well, who's gonna replace me?" His answer was "I don't know and don't care. Everyone who works here hates you. Now go away." FML

I agree, your life sucks

45621

You deserved it

25175

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By mommy - 17/11/2010 12:09 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my first day back to work since having my first baby. To show I had caught up on everything, I had to give a presentation at the end of the day to the heads of my department. It went really well until the end, when one of them pointed out that breast-milk had been leaking through my clothes the entire time. FML

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38155

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By spiderbaby - 6/10/2015 19:43 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I opened a window that had been shut for a couple of months. As soon as I did, dozens of tiny baby spiders blew in with the breeze, and dispersed in my kitchen. FML

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26393

You deserved it

2503

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By MIG2204 - 15/4/2019 20:00 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, my school told us that we all need to be checked and treated for threadworms. So now I need to go tell my girlfriend that she needs to be checked and treated for threadworms. We have been dating for little over a week. FML

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1893

You deserved it

171

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By sleepy - 3/12/2016 09:54 - United States - Grand Forks

Today, I was the DJ for a company party that was supposed to end at 11 p.m. The company ended up wanting music late and my boss made me stay there until they got tired, which ended up being 3 a.m. I start work at my other job at 7 a.m. FML

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10446

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978

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Top comments

By Charlie Given | 21

#7894103 - Wednesday 1 April 2020 17:27

Umm how could you not tell the burner wasn't on 🤦‍♂️🙄

By bl3ur0z3 | 17

#7894602 - Friday 3 April 2020 4:27

You let her let you make a fool of yourself?

Comments

By Charlie Given | 21

#7894103 - Wednesday 1 April 2020 17:27

Umm how could you not tell the burner wasn't on 🤦‍♂️🙄

By RichardPencil | 28

#7894116 - Wednesday 1 April 2020 18:19

Was your character supposed to be thinking the omelette would form, or would you be flummoxed at why you're permanently pushing liquid around?

This could be a great movie -- if do right.

By JackWood | 10

#7894276 - Thursday 2 April 2020 5:19

You're gf must be stupid to be dating a DI like you.

julfunky | 29

#7896464 - Friday 10 April 2020 15:52

Are we in Alabama or something?

By bl3ur0z3 | 17

#7894602 - Friday 3 April 2020 4:27

You let her let you make a fool of yourself?