By dumb dumb - 14/8/2020 14:00

Not the sharpest crayon in the box

Today, my idiot daughter used my wax warmer to try to give herself a bikini wax using old crayons. Not sure which YouTube idiot she learned it from, but the stench of melted crayon, burnt hair, and singed flesh isn’t a smell I’ll soon be forgetting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1512

You deserved it

178

Tweet

Share

Child labor

Vultures

Live dumping

By Tabby - 6/8/2011 20:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to tell my teenage son that no, his knowledge of the English language was not passed down to him genetically. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28463

You deserved it

3825

Tweet

Share

By zoe777 - 9/11/2013 02:54 - United States

Today, my mother not only told me that my ex-husband will be spending Thanksgiving with her and my dad, but that I'm also no longer invited to spend the holiday with my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52707

You deserved it

4330

Tweet

Share

By svunimportant - 28/5/2015 15:40 - United States - Morehead

Today, my daughter cried for ages after finding out that Nick Amaro was written out of Law and Order: SVU. She barely reacted when I told her that her mom and I are getting a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27177

You deserved it

3476

Tweet

Share

By XmasGrinch - 24/12/2016 13:49

Today, on Christmas Eve, as I was getting my car loaded for the holiday rounds to the in-laws and parents, my car decided now was the time to break down. I recently put in over $1000 fixing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6152

Phew, glad it wasn't me

564

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/9/2019 04:00 - United States

Unionize!

Today, my boss told me he was going to start taking money out of my pay, because his wife makes us lunch. I work for my dad, and he wants to start charging me because my mom makes me a sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1896

You deserved it

205

Tweet

Share

By BMike - 11/7/2011 18:16 - United States

Today, I moved into my new house. I went over to my neighbors' house to introduce myself. As they opened the door I saw a telescope pointed at my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38458

You deserved it

2954

Tweet

Share

By xolaurennnn - 22/5/2015 15:55 - United States

Today, it was hot out, so I wore shorts. My dad took one look at me and said, "Your thighs are so pale, it's like staring into the sun". FML

I agree, your life sucks

26154

You deserved it

3274

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 10/11/2019 01:00 - Germany - Berlin

Queasy

Today, my boss offered to give me a ride on her way home. Two seconds before getting into the car, I had to let out a fart. I didn't think the fart would follow me in, but it did. She rolled down the windows, and we lapsed into a silent, awkward ride home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1492

You deserved it

784

Tweet

Share

By TheComedyAudio - 6/4/2018 01:30

Today, I surprised my girlfriend of 3 years with Stone Sour and Korn tickets, since I knew how badly she wanted to go. She responded by asking if we could go as just friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4632

You deserved it

316

Tweet

Share

By CaptainStars - 29/6/2020 20:01

Bureaucracy

Today, I ran out of my antidepressants, and I cannot get more because my local hospital is closed, and I can't register online because the only way it will let me sign up is over the phone, due to me living in a rural area. I'm mute. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1673

You deserved it

104

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 25/12/2013 17:58 - United States - Elmont

Today, I received a pair of earrings, a necklace, and some rings as a Christmas gift from my grandma. This would have been nice if I weren't a guy. This is her way of mocking me for wearing what she calls "girl colors", such as white. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42828

You deserved it

3349

Tweet

Share

By cooldude - 1/7/2010 15:19 - United States

Today, I got called a "loser" by an old man wearing pink flip-flops and riding a purple moped. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40066

You deserved it

8099

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 22/10/2011 23:26 - United States

Today, my mother came into my room and had a thirty minute long conversation with me. She kept looking very nervous and uncomfortable. Only after she left did I realize that a porn site was open on my computer screen. The entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17151

You deserved it

51163

Tweet

Share

By myrkes - 10/9/2015 11:09 - Switzerland - Marstetten

Today, it's the day before my friends' wedding. My dress has not yet been shipped from the online shop where I ordered it three weeks ago, the hand-crafted gift that was ordered last month is trapped at customs and my cats have just managed to open the drawer and eat the wedding card. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28017

You deserved it

2998

Tweet

Share

By bakedplum - 1/11/2011 17:52 - United States

Today, I went grocery shopping. Being a bartender, I had a huge wad of dollar bills from cash tips. As I was counting them at the register, I looked at the cashier and joked, "You probably think I'm a stripper or something." He looked me up and down and said, "Uh... hell no." FML

I agree, your life sucks

27714

You deserved it

23751

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 2/10/2019 16:00

Sexless in Seattle

Today, it's become clear I might have married the only man on the planet who doesn't care about sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1842

You deserved it

434

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/6/2015 19:00 - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of 4 gunshots from downstairs. I screamed, hid under the bed in tears and called the cops. Turned out my boyfriend hadn't been murdered by a burglar like I thought - he'd found a tarantula in our living room and decided to feed it a face full of lead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30807

You deserved it

3719

Tweet

Share

By joe1234 - 17/7/2009 02:28 - United States

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to put a pretzel on my forehead while I was sleeping on the beach. I now have a pretzel-shaped tan line in the middle of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48739

You deserved it

9696

Tweet

Share

By Xbieblette51 - 19/8/2014 22:30 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I called my boyfriend to let him know that I'm pregnant. He instantly replied "Bullshit!", then hung up and apparently skipped town. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48723

You deserved it

6888

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 11/8/2012 10:33 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was on the bus when I felt a big yawn coming on, one so big that my mouth stretched and my eyes closed. It was at this point that the strange man beside me decided to lean over at lightning speed and put his tongue in my mouth. Technically it was my first kiss. I'm 21 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47808

You deserved it

5477

Tweet

Share

By Somethingswrongwiththispic - 5/8/2010 08:17 - United States

Today, I was watching this show about fat people. I was wondering how people could let this happen to themselves. Then I looked down and saw a giant bowl of popcorn, ice cream, potato chips, and soda. I thus figured out how people do this to themselves. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10158

You deserved it

46783

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/1/2020 20:00

Good bye!

Today I was walking around the mall and I saw my crush from high school. He came up to me and instead of talking to him I burped, and he just walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1653

You deserved it

689

Tweet

Share

By Florida - 27/10/2010 18:46 - United States

Today, my husband informed me that his father adopted a dog. I replied "Cool," he then said, "She happens to have your name." I think my father in law is trying to send me a message. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27019

You deserved it

2924

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 22/8/2020 17:02

Mind your own beeswax

Today, I saw an employee showing off a picture on his phone. I couldn't quite see what it was and tried to inject myself in to the conversation. "Whatcha got there, a cow?" It wasn't. It was a photo of his wife, posing in her wedding dress for the first time since their wedding day several years and children ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

421

You deserved it

2074

Tweet

Share

By Telemarket - 4/4/2012 10:58 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I was woken up by a call from "the Nuisance Call Prevention Registry". The lady on the telephone didn't see the irony. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25378

You deserved it

2233

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 30/1/2014 00:52 - United States - Ithaca

Today, I was at my new boyfriend's house, and he was taking a shower. I had to take a crap real bad, but his apartment only has the one bathroom. I couldn't wait for him to finish, and ended having to shit in a plastic bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54200

You deserved it

23560

Tweet

Share

By saltinawound - 5/3/2009 06:38 - United States

Today, I was dumped by my boyfriend of almost a year because he was no longer sexually attracted to me because I'm "overweight," even though I only weigh 130 pounds. Afterward I went to my friend's house and sat in an old wooden chair. It broke into pieces as soon as I sat down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

93918

You deserved it

9786

Tweet

Share

By Badchristian - 5/4/2012 04:17 - United States - Pasadena

Slipped

Today, I went to my Christian accountability partner from church to talk about continuing to maintain Christian values. We had sex. Oh, the irony. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11360

You deserved it

42982

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 25/4/2015 12:58 - India - Mumbai

Today, my boss asked if I could spare a few minutes to finish off the last of his paperwork backlog. I'm pretty desperate for a raise, so I said sure. Turns out the "small", "should-take-a-few-minutes" backlog consists of 3 desk-high stacks of documents. Goodbye, cruel world. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30231

You deserved it

3089

Tweet

Share

By chicochico - 19/12/2008 16:05 - France

Today, I had sex with a girl who cried out as she came "Forgive me Lord! Forgive me Lord!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

58099

You deserved it

7007

Tweet

Share

By annababyyyy - 10/11/2014 05:01 - United States - Rockville

Today, my boyfriend pretended to be reading braille while touching my chest acne. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44486

You deserved it

7437

Tweet

Share

By Olerbia - 28/5/2013 07:11 - United States

Today, while working at Walmart, I was walking the sales floor and passed the end of an aisle. I saw a customer coming at me from the corner of my eye, so I jumped backwards. I hit a display case, and watched it topple over before turning to apologize to the customer. It was a ladder. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40013

You deserved it

9967

Tweet

Share

By soy_un_perderdor - 13/12/2009 07:14 - United States

Today, it's Saturday. While all my friends go out to have fun, I get my excitement thinking about how I'll be sleeping with a new pillow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28623

You deserved it

6738

Tweet

Share

By Nurse - 31/8/2018 15:00

Today, a pregnant woman asked me to give her a demonstration on how to push when having a baby. I agreed and pushed, but I may have pushed a little too hard because I shat myself. The pregnant woman laughed and said she was hoping that would happen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2766

You deserved it

675

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 28/6/2013 03:57 - United States

Today, after months of incredibly painful stomach cramps, I convinced my mom that I needed to see a doctor. Not even 2 minutes into the exam, the doctor tells me that I'm heavily constipated and advised some "prune juice" to help "clear all that shit out". My mom won't stop laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45548

You deserved it

5743

Tweet

Share

By kat - 25/12/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, I work at a debt collections center and I had to call my own father. Merry Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31416

You deserved it

2748

Tweet

Share

By kids shouldnt have hard sports equipment - 18/1/2016 01:48 - Australia - Woodville

Today, I was knocked unconscious by the 10 year-old I was babysitting because it was his younger sister's bedtime and he didn't want her to go. When I came to, their mother was screaming at me for sleeping on the job. In the middle of the kitchen floor. I lost a job and gained a killer headache. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23055

You deserved it

1603

Tweet

Share

By poopEVERYWHERE - 18/9/2009 14:27 - United States

Today, I heard my dad screaming in the hallway. Thinking he was having a heart attack I ran to the hall without looking where I was going. I slipped and slid towards my dad in what turned out to be a mass quantity of diarrhea from one of my two dogs. He was screaming because he stepped in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40848

You deserved it

4213

Tweet

Share

By pizza girl - 30/8/2013 04:33 - United States - Nettleton

Today, a lady cussed me out for not bringing her salad and pizza to her table. She then wanted her money back. I work at a buffet; a self-serve buffet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49834

You deserved it

2789

Tweet

Share

By What-_- - 25/1/2017 00:00

Today, my roommates keep opening my bedroom door to "let the WiFi out." FML

I agree, your life sucks

4356

You deserved it

519

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By bloopaloop | 27

#7931019 - Friday 14 August 2020 19:25

I hope her bush came out looking like a clown wig 🤡

By mekiswrite | 19

#7931032 - Friday 14 August 2020 20:08

How old is your daughter to believe and try this?

COMMENTS

By bloopaloop | 27

#7931019 - Friday 14 August 2020 19:25

I hope her bush came out looking like a clown wig 🤡

By mekiswrite | 19

#7931032 - Friday 14 August 2020 20:08

How old is your daughter to believe and try this?

By genuinegoodguy | 8

#7931085 - Saturday 15 August 2020 0:13

WTAF?

By Iamthebanzai22 | 18

#7931097 - Saturday 15 August 2020 2:30

Did she by any chance post a YouTube video of it?

Reply

raven_of_azarath | 32

#7931124 - Saturday 15 August 2020 7:25

Chances are, OP’s daughter is a minor, so the desire to see a video of this is super creepy.

Reply

Iamthebanzai22 | 18

#7931131 - Saturday 15 August 2020 8:10

Yes, I know. My comment was a joke, playing on the creepyness of it.

By 7and7is | 20

#7931689 - Monday 17 August 2020 11:00

It was a throwaway line on Big Bang Theory. So it’s possible she got the idea there.