By done - United States - North Las Vegas

Excuse you?

Today, after spending years volunteering at community theatres and being accepted into a prestigious university for theatrical design, my public high school gave me a scholarship. All my mother could say was "I'm sorry they wasted their money on you." FML

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Free healthcare for all

Karma chameleon

Narcissistic parents FTW

By demk - United States

Today, my husband and I were in bed, and just as I was about to finish he screamed, "Oh shit! It's 4:15, my strawberries are gonna whither!!!!" and then jumped off me and went to check on his farm on FarmVille. An imaginary farm, on Facebook. FML

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By OutOfWork.OutOfTime - United States - Cookeville

Today, I had my first job interview since graduating from university. The person who interviewed me informed me that not using my degree after two years practically makes it null and void. I guess instead of being a financial advisor at the company, I could always be a janitor there. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Today, it's the first day of fall. It's also the day that over 20 people have made jokes about my name being "Autumn" like they're the funniest, most original people alive. It's not even 8 am. This is going to be a long day. FML

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By Amore - France - Bois-colombes

Today, my son told me the Christmas letter he wrote to Santa was a joke and he didn't want the stuff he asked for. I already bought everything. FML

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By ms piggy - United States

Today, stepping on a scale for the first time in years, I had to lift up my stomach to see the number. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to walk home in nothing but my snuggie and sneakers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on a small plane. A flight attendant told us that there was too much weight in the front of the plane and they needed 3 people to move to the back of the plane. I volunteer and walk to the back. She says, "Okay, we're going to need 1 more person." FML

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By linren - United States

TMI, dude

Today, I was riding in the car with my new boyfriend. He had 'something serious' to tell me. He started to emotionally confess his addiction to masturbation. In detail. The drive was 2 hours long. FML

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By bullllllshittttt - United States

Today, I went to a rave where apparently one of my favorite rappers was supposed to perform. I stood in line for 2 hours in the rain, got pushed and shoved, and had to witness a bunch of drunken idiots puke all over the place. Once I finally got to the front of the line, they closed the doors. FML

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By Mary Kathryn - United States - Fremont

Today, I took off the training wheels of my niece's bike. I tried to show her how to ride it, but she told me to get off because I needed a fat girl's bike. FML

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By VoiceMail - Australia

Today, when I picked up my repeat subscription of anti-anxiety medication, they had changed the packaging to be more 'child safe'. Now it's so hard to get the pills out that I had an anxiety attack trying to take one. FML

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By shamwazzlefarznarfnarfwoofbaaa - United States - Bronx

Today, I had to teach my grandma how to burn files to CDs. I jokingly said that it doesn't involve literally burning the disks in fire, to which she responded by slapping me and calling me a patronizing brat. FML

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By Z88 - South Africa

Today, a customer came into the music shop I work in to look at guitars. After calling the customer "Dude," and "Man," numerous times, they stalked off suddenly. When I asked if everything was okay, they responded with, "I'm female, you asshole!" FML

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By Arghh - United States

Today, I had an allergic reaction to cranberry juice. The only reason I was drinking cranberry juice was to help with a bladder infection. Now I'm covered in what looks like a rash and peeing constantly. FML

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By tkdbb11790

Threesome

Today, my girlfriend asked me what I wanted for my birthday. Apparently “A threesome” is not the appropriate answer. FML

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By crazygirl12 - United States

Today, while working at Kohl's this woman came up to me and asked if I was Native American, I said yes, she then says "Oh! I thought you guys went extinct." This is the country I live in. FML

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By shia

Today, I got a super short pixie cut. All my boyfriend could do was stare at me, speechless. I thought he was taken aback by how cute it was until he told me that I look exactly like my fifteen year old brother. FML

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By BDSM4Jesus - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, while trying some new kinky things with my boyfriend, he cried out, "Call me Jesus!" Yeah... I think we're done with that. FML

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By failureatlife - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, after beating myself up for being useless and not being able to do anything right, I managed to choke almost to the point of blacking out, on a piece of lettuce. FML

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By boostedsaab - France

Today, I asked my girlfriend why she can't treat me like the way I treat her. She said, "because you love me more than I love you." FML

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By Jusawkward - United States

Today, I went to my former high school's homecoming game. A classmate who I always had a crush on looks up and goes "Brian!", holding her arms out for a hug. I hug her and she seems a bit suprised but hugs back anyway. I get up and see another Brian from our class behind me. Shame. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2021 08:01

Cujo, but for cats

Today, my cat was incessantly meowing trying to get me to wake up and feed him. Because it was 6 a.m., and I'd hardly slept at all last night, my brain decided that the best solution to get him to shut up would be to hug him. The result was a normally docile and lazy cat giving me a nasty scratch next to my left eye. FML

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By insomnitude - United States

Today, I got mugged by a midget. FML

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By Meagan Ortiz - 16/8/2020 23:02

Wardrobe change please

Today, I choked on water so hard that I threw up and shat myself. FML

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By oxymorons - United States

Today, I checked the camera I set up to find out who has been stealing my prescription painkillers: my wife, my daughter or my son. Turns out they all are. FML

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By purrykitty - United States

Today, I tried to spice things up in the bedroom by making love to my husband in a tight leather corset. I ended up passing out. FML

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By ugh - United States - Troy

Today, I woke up from an explicit dream involving my dentist. I'm scheduled for a conscious sedation appointment with him in two hours and I'm terrified of what I might say or do while I'm under. FML

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By yuck - United States

Today, I was in the basement at my grandma's house. The bathroom is on the ground floor and there's a laundry chute that goes down to the basement. I looked through the chute to see if the bathroom light was on. A pair of shitty underpants came down and landed in my face. They were my grandma's. FML

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By goo - United States - Louisville

Today, while having fun between the sheets with my boyfriend, his allergies got the best of him and his nose started running. Every time he kissed me he'd drip snot onto my face. When I complained, he said I was being insensitive. FML

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By RectalSteve - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, I showed my girlfriend some old home videos of me as a kid. My dad must have taped over one though, because halfway through it cut to extremely graphic footage of his colonoscopy. FML

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By Araya - United Kingdom

Today, I had a pig kidney dissection in Biology. I see a 'sack' which appeared to contain a liquid. Being the curious type, I cut open the sack, spraying said liquid over me and my desk. My teacher, after giggling, informed me that the liquid was in fact urine. I was pissed on by a dead pig. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked outside, slipped, busted my head, and had to get 7 stitches. Turns out my son thought it would be funny to spray the sidewalk with water last night so it would freeze. He got a laugh, and I spent over $100 on the stitches. FML

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By biotch - United States

Today, as a volunteer at the local daycare, I was with 3 and 4 year olds. They thought it would be funny to trip me and then jump on my back. I hit my elbow hard on the ground. A bunch of pre-schoolers beat me up. FML

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By inheritance - Denmark - Lyngby

Delayed

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said, "Sure, but not yet." As we've been together for five years, I was a bit confused, but she cleared that up with, "Not until your dad has died, I don't want him to ruin my wedding with a bad toast." FML

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By wish his dad had worn one - United States - Clinton

Today, I was playing some soccer with my buddies, when a kid came over, yelled "CUP CHECK!" and nailed me in the nuts then ran away laughing. Millions of my unborn children died in agony. All his fatass mom did was chuckle nervously and pat her satan-spawn on the head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, to enhance our sex life, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex in our local mall's parking lot. The feeling of getting caught is fun and exhilarating. Until you actually get caught. FML

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By sadgirl - Netherlands

Today, the only thing that cheered me up was a documentary about IKEA, and seeing how my furniture was made. FML

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By for shite's sake - United Kingdom - Mirfield

Today, I took my driving test. I was really nervous, but I thought I did pretty well in the end. That is until I parked the car and looked to the examiner. He was visibly shaken. He said I'd passed, quickly filled in the paperwork and left. On the downside, my car still smells of his shart. FML

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By lonely - United Kingdom

Today, I was excited about being set up on a blind date by one of my new co-workers. It turns out the guy she thought would be a "totally perfect match" for me is the ex who cheated on me. FML

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By im_not_me - Australia

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend on Facebook. She's in the forces, and it was her birthday. I asked her if she liked the flowers I sent her. She thanked me, then asked if she could remove our relationship status. When I asked why, she said, "It's not like we're really going out anymore." FML

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Top comments

By ImminentDisaster | 12

#7672901 - Tuesday 7 August 2018 20:40

Wow, what a bitch. Anyway, congratulations on the college placement, OP - well done!

By RichardPencil | 30

#7672952 - Tuesday 7 August 2018 22:35

Yeah, usually Starbucks trains baristas for free. I guess this prestigious university will be cranking out a barista who can also do set design for the community playhouse.

COMMENTS

By ImminentDisaster | 12

#7672901 - Tuesday 7 August 2018 20:40

Wow, what a bitch. Anyway, congratulations on the college placement, OP - well done!

By d3rpb0t | 10

#7672902 - Tuesday 7 August 2018 20:41

Have the last laugh by making use of the degree, and gain the skills to act like that opinion is worth a damn.

By Apurva Shah | 3

#7672914 - Tuesday 7 August 2018 21:17

I would have said FU then.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7672952 - Tuesday 7 August 2018 22:35

Yeah, usually Starbucks trains baristas for free. I guess this prestigious university will be cranking out a barista who can also do set design for the community playhouse.

Reply

Beverlie Macleod | 9

#7673098 - Wednesday 8 August 2018 8:13

Why would you feel that cruel is funny?

By Davros | 12

#7672981 - Wednesday 8 August 2018 0:10

Mom, are you in heat, cause you acting like a bitch?

By 1gullible_bugger | 33

#7672987 - Wednesday 8 August 2018 0:31

Your mother's a bitch. Ignore her negativity. Do what you love!

By chosha_fml | 25

#7673057 - Wednesday 8 August 2018 6:26

Jealous bitch.

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7673096 - Wednesday 8 August 2018 8:03

So you make a success of it and prove her wrong.

By interesting33 | 36

#7673535 - Thursday 9 August 2018 2:22

I'm sorry you aren't appreciated. You rock OP. well done and congratulations!

By irrelephant1 | 19

#7674005 - Thursday 9 August 2018 22:45

Your mom apperantly has no idea how to be a mom. Fyl. So sorry.