Today, I had a chat with my husband, and I convinced him to try being more spontaneous to spice up our sex life. This evening, he burst into our bedroom with an eyepatch on, and "seductively" growled, "I'm gonna slay your pussy, wench." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, as I was about to have sex with my husband, I said I wanted to "spice things up." Apparently, our ideas weren't the same. He yanked my nipples as hard as he could and said, "Yeah, you like that?" FML
Today, feeling the need to spice things up in our sex life, I dressed up in my husband's navy uniform jacket, hat, and a pair of heels. When he came into the room, he took one look at me and started laughing uncontrollably. FML
Today, I asked my wife how we could spice up our sex life. She wants me to dress up and talk like Joe Exotic. No, she wasn’t kidding. FML
Today, my husband came home, threw me over his shoulder, and carried me to the bedroom. Furious, I shrieked to be put down and demanded an explanation. He said, "I thought you wanted us to be more spontaneous…" Apparently, that means he should treat me like a sex toy. FML
Today, my husband and I were getting frisky. All was going well until I decided to go down on him, causing him to freak out, thinking I was going for his butt, ending the night with a black eye from being knee'd in the face. FML
Today, my boyfriend admitted that he'd like to dress me in a squirrel suit and chase me through the forest. This was the surprising result of a discussion on how to spice up our love life. FML
Today, my husband's version of roleplaying was pretending that he actually wanted to have sex with me. FML
Today, I felt like spicing up our marriage, so I thought I'd surprise my husband when he got home from work. I put on my sexiest teddy, lit some candles, and laid on the bed. He walked in the room, looked at me for a second, farted, then asked me what was for dinner. FML
Today, my husband came home with a bunch of realistic-looking wigs for women. When I asked them what they were for, he said he wanted to spice up our sex life with them. When I told him I refused to wear a wig, he said in a very serious tone that I wasn't going to be the one wearing them, he was. FML
Today, my husband called me from work just to chat. He asked what I had been up to today. I was feeling frisky so I told him all about how I had gotten horny, watched a porno and masturbated earlier. It wasn't until I heard the hoots and laughter that I realized he had me on speakerphone. FML
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Top comments
alstbv12 13
I guess he wanted to try the one-eyed pirate with you.
alissa222 15
At least he tried?
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Comments (185)
My_Nightmare 19
I'm with you. That sounds like some hot role play to me ;-)
fallenangel72 7
LMFAO
writergirl23 19
Well what was he supposed to do?
perdix 31
That's one notch better than "I shit in your sock drawer," but your dirty talk would have to be dozens of notches higher to go from "silly" to "disturbing" to "sexy." Stick with your boring sex life or be prepared to hear accounts of woodland creatures entering you.
gracehi 33
You're welcome. I hate it when people are rude or judgmental to teenagers with children. It must be hard enough to be a parent at your age without people being dicks to you. Personally, while I wish there weren't any teenage parents, I commend you and other teenage parents who take reasonability for the life they created. It displays a quality of character that many adults lack.
alex0213 5
Can't blame a man for teying
krewer21 1
Aaaarrrgggh, Ye wench outta know thee place. Yer man is looking fer sum time with thee. Service him now, brain him after he falls asleep
Hammer940 7
Totally stealing that line
CaysonJon 11
Hahahaha epic(:
PowerPanda_fml 3
Lol.