Today, I had a chat with my husband, and I convinced him to try being more spontaneous to spice up our sex life. This evening, he burst into our bedroom with an eyepatch on, and "seductively" growled, "I'm gonna slay your pussy, wench." FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, as I was about to have sex with my husband, I said I wanted to "spice things up." Apparently, our ideas weren't the same. He yanked my nipples as hard as he could and said, "Yeah, you like that?" FML
Today, feeling the need to spice things up in our sex life, I dressed up in my husband's navy uniform jacket, hat, and a pair of heels. When he came into the room, he took one look at me and started laughing uncontrollably. FML
Today, I asked my wife how we could spice up our sex life. She wants me to dress up and talk like Joe Exotic. No, she wasn’t kidding. FML
Today, my husband came home, threw me over his shoulder, and carried me to the bedroom. Furious, I shrieked to be put down and demanded an explanation. He said, "I thought you wanted us to be more spontaneous…" Apparently, that means he should treat me like a sex toy. FML
Today, my husband and I were getting frisky. All was going well until I decided to go down on him, causing him to freak out, thinking I was going for his butt, ending the night with a black eye from being knee'd in the face. FML
Today, my boyfriend admitted that he'd like to dress me in a squirrel suit and chase me through the forest. This was the surprising result of a discussion on how to spice up our love life. FML
Today, my husband's version of roleplaying was pretending that he actually wanted to have sex with me. FML
Today, I felt like spicing up our marriage, so I thought I'd surprise my husband when he got home from work. I put on my sexiest teddy, lit some candles, and laid on the bed. He walked in the room, looked at me for a second, farted, then asked me what was for dinner. FML
Today, my husband came home with a bunch of realistic-looking wigs for women. When I asked them what they were for, he said he wanted to spice up our sex life with them. When I told him I refused to wear a wig, he said in a very serious tone that I wasn't going to be the one wearing them, he was. FML
Today, my husband called me from work just to chat. He asked what I had been up to today. I was feeling frisky so I told him all about how I had gotten horny, watched a porno and masturbated earlier. It wasn't until I heard the hoots and laughter that I realized he had me on speakerphone. FML
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Top comments
alstbv12 13
I guess he wanted to try the one-eyed pirate with you.
alissa222 15
At least he tried?
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Comments (185)
alstbv12 13
I guess he wanted to try the one-eyed pirate with you.
MetalxSoldier 26
Wooo! You lucky woman you! I guess he wants that "booty"
miyaviichan 27
Defiantly looked pretty good, too.
ryguy83 2
I just watched that movie
JocelynKaulitz 28
Well was that spontaneous enough for you, wench?
nevershoutkendal_fml 11
I'm surprised no one has asked what the "one-eyed pirate" is yet. I think it's sort of...bad that I know.
FirebirdF350 7
Miss kendall, the one I believe your thinking of is 'angry pirate' although now that I think of it one-eyed pirate would be similar, she would still need the peg leg though, our else it's just blind wench
deBlobX 12
Um thats not even how you spell "definitely"
KaiserSD 8
All she said was spontaneous, meaning it was left to interpretation. Shouldn't be surprised when it doesn't come out the way you want. Next time, don't be vague.
deBlobX 12
Sorry I just got a bit into the spirit of assholishness on FML I hate autocorrect too
RealTalk0 7
Lol well he would also need the hook to do that.
Justin0481 5
The first to thumbs up noor, thats much more prestigious than the first comment.
perdix 31
#18, I've never hired a hooker, partly because I was never 100% sure of what they do. Now that you've made it clear to me, I'm definitely not doing that!!!!
Mrnice 8
That would slice up things alright
alissa222 15
At least he tried?
Aug1508 9
Exactly!! Beggers can't be choosers!
DisappearingRose 18
If you were in a Scooby Doo movie, you would play the Jeepers Creepers guy. (;
DisappearingRose 18
Edit: If he was in a Scooby Doo movie, he would play the Jeepers Creepers guy. (; @OP
UsernameHere234 13
Love the picture, 4. Benedict Cumberbatch is awesome. And the British Sherlock Holmes series is beautiful.
AKGirlinSD 20
4, exactly! I would have laughed my ass off and still go along with it. Original Poster needs to thank her boyfriend somehow ;-).
AKGirlinSD 20
*meant "husband," before the FML commenters hound on me :-).
Dracoboxer357 36
4- At least he tried AND she didn't have to spend the night responding to "Fluttershy", like a previous Op who requested the same thing from her hubby. ;P
jetsown08 21
Avast, ye best be obeyin' yar cap'ns commands, lest he force ye to walk the plank.
syki 22
*wank. :P
FirebirdF350 7
Walk the wank or wank the plank, I prefer she be the maid on my prow, the harbor to my seamen, ect.
M_Rainbow 7
Way too spontaneous?
guy24 9
I see no problem... He did exactly what she asked.
fortunelady 17
62- "Be more spontanteous." "I have an eyepatch fetish/I think we should roleplay/Be the pirate captain to my fair maiden." I see where he got the idea, honestly, but I would not call the two ideas exactly the same. That said, I wouldn't object to my OH calling me a wench in the boudoir but that doesn't mean the OP feels the same way!
Glitterhinoceros 14
That's a nice way to set the mood.
draykeknudsen 2
Hey message me :)
CanWeMicrowaveIt 11
At least he didn't come in dressed as dog asking to rub his belly!
CanWeMicrowaveIt 11
At least he didn't come in dressed as dog asking to rub his belly!
momolee 4
That was funny and spontaneous . It's not an FML at all
Helloilike_lacro 8
Did you ride his plank?
ladyLALAA 29
I laughed rather loudly at this on the train, got a few judging looks. Thanks for the giggles and making me look like a nutter!
PaulB123 11
You just set captain jack sparrow loose, maitte.
Dracoboxer357 36
Matey, I give your husband 5 stars for effort. End result? Closer to 2 stars. ;P
PhilSnake22 13
I see no problem here...