By omaha24 - 29/4/2020 02:00

Birthday blues

Today, my loneliness pushed me to buy a pack of cigarettes just so I had to show my ID to the clerk, hoping he would wish me a happy birthday. I don't even smoke and he didn't say anything. FML

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Headache

Higher standards

Billy no-mates

By Nekro_Kat - 10/8/2011 03:00 - United States

Today, I got caught trying to steal my own cat back from my neighbor. FML

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By his word vs mine = me suspended - 10/8/2013 18:41 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Today, I was carrying a stack of paperwork at work, when my pen rolled off and onto the floor. As soon as I bent down to pick it up, a nearby co-worker, who's always hated me, accused me of putting on a show and sexually harassing him. He actually followed up by reporting me to HR. FML

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By cat_lady - 5/4/2020 17:00

Follow the yellow brown road

Today, I watched as my poor old cat dragged his ass across our living room carpet, leaving an equally long shit stain on our pristine carpet. My pleas for him to stop only made his diarrhea worse as he ran off. FML

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1393

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By Anonymous - 18/3/2011 16:14 - Netherlands

Today, I was worried about passing an exam, so I hid a note under my skirt. When the guy next to me was finished, I had to get up so he could leave. With no time to hide the note, I stood in front of the entire class, hand over my crotch, looking as if I had to pee. FML

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By lice - 28/3/2009 13:34 - United States

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend I went into his shower to freshen up. Where I saw an open bottle of pubic lice shampoo. FML

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By INside - 2/8/2011 04:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided it'd be funny to create a "place" on Facebook for my vagina. Now he "checks-in" every time we have sex. FML

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By Weldingtags - 28/10/2011 20:59 - United States

Today, my dad asked if I'd help him clean the gutters. I was given the responsibility of holding the ladder while he went on the roof. All I heard was laughter before a year's worth of rotting vegetation landed on top of my head. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I found a camera someone left at our house. I looked at the pictures, and saw my grandma in a sexy outfit. FML

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By fmll - 17/12/2011 13:17 - Norway

Today, my boyfriend texted me and said I had forgotten my blue bra. I don't have any blue bras. FML

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By hé merde - 23/2/2014 02:27 - France - Paris

Today, I was pushing my wheelchair-bound grandpa back home, when a pretty girl walked past us in the opposite direction. He made me stop and turn him around, just so he could check her ass out as she walked away. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2013 15:51 - United States - South Sioux City

Today, I told my family I was divorcing my husband. My little sister asked if "we can keep him instead". FML

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By anonymous - 13/8/2011 06:58 - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that taking a 20 mile bike ride with my boyfriend's family the day after losing my virginity is the worst decision ever. FML

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By Icy - 25/10/2008 16:56

Lost

Today, I was writing to my girlfriend on MSN when her roommate answered, "Sorry, this isn't Marie, she's at her boyfriend’s." Really? I've looked everywhere in my apartment, and I can’t find her. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2010 02:02 - United States

Today, I went to an audition for a play. The casting director thanked me for my time, but told me they would pass because I had "the emotional range of a turnip." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2009 03:16 - Canada

Today, for my two month anniversary, my boyfriend surprised me with a "present". He then lifted his pant leg. He had carved my initials into his leg with a knife. FML

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By owch - 23/11/2015 21:21 - United States - Maumee

Today, I learned that if I take my full dosage of Vicodin, I will throw up all day. I also learned that if I don't take my full dosage of Vicodin, I will be in excruciating pain all day. FML

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By Michael - 20/9/2017 16:00

Taking the Micheal

Today, my girlfriend of 5 years confessed to cheating on me during my recent business trip. Moreover, she doesn't want to cut off contact with the other guy, because she's afraid of hurting HIS feelings. FML

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By SignificantShrinkage - 8/10/2018 03:00

Today, I found out that when you gain too much weight, your penis can get significantly smaller. After noticing that things had been "off" in the bedroom, my girlfriend and I decided to measure it. There was significant shrinkage. I guess it's time to start working out. FML

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By UNmarried - 31/8/2009 18:10 - United States

Today, I found some .pdf files on my wife's computer. They were forms that had been filled out except for the date and the "reason" section. They were divorce papers. When confronted about it she said, "Well, if you piss me off really bad, I want to write down why before I calm down." FML

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By Tasha84 - 20/11/2010 05:21 - United States

Today, I got an electric razor and a lesson from my dad on how to shave my mustache and chin. I also got my period. FML

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43766

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By Cultus - 5/6/2018 19:00

Today, I went into the tanning room at work, where the lady in there last had decided the trash can was a toilet and pooped in it. Before she sat, she took the time to wrap the edges in paper towels, I guess in case anyone else had done this before her. I had to clean it up. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2016 05:17 - United States

Today, after months of arguing and conflict, I broke up wIth my fiancé. Or at least, I tried to. The wedding's off, but only until he can convince me to want to marry him again. FML

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By lhazel - 17/9/2015 02:36 - United States - Mount Juliet

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about what we want to be when we grow up. He said he wanted to be a bartender, and single. FML

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By damn-it - 22/2/2009 06:41 - Australia

Today, my Grandma was showing me an ancient family letter. It was apparently written by someone historically famous. She was going on about how important it was, in such good condition too, worth a lot. I dropped my glass of juice. It spilt all over it. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2019 00:00 - United States - Grove City

Today, a childhood friend reached out to me to apologize for our friendship. He was obviously drunk, and admitted that his parents made him become friends with me so that my dad, their landlord, would be easy on them when the rent was short after his mom lost her job. He said he never really liked me and called me a nerd, before hanging up. FML

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By Eleanor - 19/2/2017 23:00 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I tripped and fell on my open dishwasher, right onto a carving knife. I'm mostly ok, except that my nipple has been sliced neatly in half. Seriously, the two halves keep flapping open like a little mouth. It would be funnier if it wasn't so painful. FML

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6725

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By God the smell - 9/8/2018 22:00

Today, my husband had a bad stomach bug and fever. While I was at work, he had diarrhoea but couldn't make it to the toilet so he went in the bin next to his desk, crawled back into bed, and passed out. It sat there in this heatwave for 5 hours. FML

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2961

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By 3.14 - 8/2/2012 11:27 - United Kingdom

Today, I bought my mother an apple pie. She made a face at it and said that she'd decided to go on a diet. After I'd left the house, she put it in the oven, forgot about it, and burnt it to a crisp. She then called me up to inform me that I'd wasted my money, and to get her "another damn pie." FML

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By fuck you, tasha - 24/8/2014 21:50 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my sister felt guilty and told me about the changes she secretly made to my résumé months ago. She'd put "doing your mom" and "corporate espionage" as my hobbies, and "Justin Bieber's pussy waxer" as a previous job. No wonder I'm still unemployed. FML

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By awhmaaan - 27/2/2012 15:55 - United Kingdom

Today, after suffering with bad constipation and having to eat special bread to get me to go, I have practically just pooped out a week's worth of food in 15 minutes, and I'm still going. I've passed the ring of fire stage, now I just can't feel my asshole. FML

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By Jobless - 13/8/2009 01:47 - United States

Today, my 16 yr old cousin needed help making a job resume so I give him mine to see as an example. He changed my name to his and it got him a job right away. The sad part? I handed my resume out to about 30 places and I am still unemployed. FML

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By SeaBind - 16/11/2014 00:41 - United States - Saginaw

Today, a friend wanted to show me a game he bragged he was the best at. I beat his score on the first try, and now I have a black eye to prove it. FML

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31713

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2019 00:14

Today, I was touching myself in my room. Just as I hit the climax, my mom walked in because she heard me making noises and thought I was having a nightmare. FML

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By lolomg - 8/9/2011 01:22 - New Zealand

Today, my dad met my fiancé's dad for the first time. My fiancé's dad is a cop. He had arrested my dad for indecent exposure in the past. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2016 15:36 - United States - Mckinney

Today, my 5-year-old daughter said "Mommy, why doesn't anyone wanna marry you?" I've been asking myself the same question for all too many years. FML

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20829

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By nice guys finish last - 20/8/2013 04:01 - United States - Smyrna

Today, a kid in class dropped his paper on the floor. I held on to my desk with one hand and reached for the paper with my other hand. I lost balance and tilted both my chair and desk over, nailing the floor as everything on my desk hit the ground with me. He picked the paper up himself. FML

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By Morgan - 22/6/2011 05:48 - United States

Today, I lost my dog. I looked around my neighborhood for hours, and found it under my bed asleep when I got home. FML

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By the critic - 18/6/2012 10:22 - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I realized I have been single for far too long when I was turning off porno after porno because I couldn't stand the horrible acting. FML

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By tiptoesjohnson - 19/1/2012 23:26

Today, I attempted to cheat on a test by writing some notes on my hand. During the test I had a question. I raised my hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2013 03:27 - United States - Utica

Today, after spending a week defending my marriage to everyone, I found out my husband has an addiction I never knew about. Hookers. FML

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Top comments

By kenken5 | 16

#7901762 - Wednesday 29 April 2020 4:54

To be fair, does anyone actually know what day it is these days?

By KookieLove666 | 8

#7901753 - Wednesday 29 April 2020 3:21

happy birthday

COMMENTS

By KookieLove666 | 8

#7901753 - Wednesday 29 April 2020 3:21

happy birthday

By Auburn_flame | 8

#7901758 - Wednesday 29 April 2020 4:26

happy Birthday

By RichardPencil | 28

#7901759 - Wednesday 29 April 2020 4:35

Smoking will reduce the number of birthdays you have to pull ridiculous attention-grabbing stunts like that.

arther | 14

#7901832 - Wednesday 29 April 2020 11:23

OP said in her post that she doesn't smoke.

chyiochan | 30

#7901892 - Wednesday 29 April 2020 16:46

Holy shit it's Mark Hamill!

By kenken5 | 16

#7901762 - Wednesday 29 April 2020 4:54

To be fair, does anyone actually know what day it is these days?

By bloopaloop | 27

#7901764 - Wednesday 29 April 2020 5:24

Should have done that with a speeding ticket

By Magimon | 21

#7901924 - Wednesday 29 April 2020 20:05

Happy Birthday!!!! All the best to you!!!

By mekiswrite | 19

#7901943 - Wednesday 29 April 2020 20:40

Well, you know what they say; "smoke if you got 'em."

By Gina Marie Lombardi | 11

#7901944 - Wednesday 29 April 2020 20:41

Happy Birthday 🎉🎂🎁🎊🎈🥳

By shepardkinz | 19

#7901957 - Wednesday 29 April 2020 21:09

Happy birthday, OP!

By breefearless | 4

#7901960 - Wednesday 29 April 2020 21:19

happy belated bday