By omaha24

Birthday blues

Today, my loneliness pushed me to buy a pack of cigarettes just so I had to show my ID to the clerk, hoping he would wish me a happy birthday. I don't even smoke and he didn't say anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1471

You deserved it

488

Favorite

This Charming Man

The smell detective is on the case

Healthcare is broken

By Ihatemyjob - United States

Today, my boss told me that he didn’t want to promote me because my, “scores were too good.” He then told me that I would be getting twice as much work to do than my coworkers, without a raise. I work minimum wage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2347

You deserved it

163

Favorite

By solomantis - Norway

Today, I was trying to wiggle my boxer shorts off to get it on with my girlfriend when my knee hooked on the elastic band. I was anxious to get started, so I used force and ended up kneeing my girlfriend in the crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15885

You deserved it

50219

Favorite

By xoVioLoveox - United States

Today, I was babysitting an eleven year old boy. He decided we should play with nerf guns with velcro tips. I shot him in the crotch accidentally, and the dart stuck on his pants wiggling for about a full minute before his dad walked in to find us both staring at his son's crotch, giggling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50181

You deserved it

13236

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a bar with some friends when my wife texted me asking where I was. Not wanting her to know I was at a bar, I told her I was still at work. She was sitting in the booth behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8538

You deserved it

67459

Favorite

By imeanreallytho - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom at work. The lock on the stall door broke, and I couldn't open it. I was all alone and I started having a mini panic attack. After several minutes of frantically trying to fix the lock and hyperventilating, I realized I could just crawl under the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21909

You deserved it

8834

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Rancho Cucamonga

Today, my boss decided that, because I got dragged into a vacation that I didn't even want to go on, she was going to take a promotion back before she even gave it to me. I don't know what's worse, losing the promotion or going on that crappy vacation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18280

You deserved it

1810

Favorite

By ShiddyDiddy

Today, my girlfriend's obsession with her bird reached a new level when she wrote him a song specifically for after he poops. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1467

You deserved it

177

Favorite

By desperate - Denmark

Today, while at a club, I walked up to a cutie who had been eyeing me all night. I asked him "Is that a phone in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?". He simply replied "It's a phone" before walking away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10017

You deserved it

52093

Favorite

By Failure2017 - United States

Today, my husband referred to me as his “favorite meat sock” in front of our son. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4342

You deserved it

463

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I don't mind crappy gifts, but I have to wonder why the hell my boyfriend bought me a home enema kit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43018

You deserved it

4144

Favorite

By magomag - United States - Fair Lawn

Today, I learned if you type my full name in Google Images, the 3rd thing that comes up is a naked woman in ropes. Someone on Pornhub thought it was smart to comment that the girl looks just like me. She does. Now my parents think I'm a porn star, and most people at school stopped talking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

69936

You deserved it

5464

Favorite

By bandfuckup

Today, my band was playing its first serious gig. I was in the middle of a solo when a drunk guy tackled me, causing me to crash into the drums, breaking them and my guitar, hitting our drummer, knocking him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5882

You deserved it

337

Favorite

By fmlguy382 - United States

Today, I was complimented on how big my penis was. I was complimented by the guy peeing next to me in the men's restroom at McDonald's. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52152

You deserved it

7836

Favorite

By ouch - United States - Cleveland

Today, I dropped a new 50lb box of tiles. Luckily, none of the tiles broke. I'm assuming this is because my foot cushioned the fall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41648

You deserved it

4238

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend's father sent me a text message that simply stated "You ruined my relationship with my daughter." I wanted to ask him for his blessing to marry his daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37949

You deserved it

3378

Favorite

By WelcomeWagon - United States

Today, I unpacked in my new, non-air conditioned apartment wearing nothing but underwear, a tank top and an apron to stay cool. Later, I realized I'd crossed through the complex to my car and the dumpster many times, and arranged my deck overlooking the parking lot, without ever donning shorts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10512

You deserved it

42093

Favorite

By hungry - United States

Today, is the fourth day of my husband's and my new diet and exercise routine. I've already caught him eating junk food 4 times. He has lost 2 lbs and I've gained 3. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35653

You deserved it

3979

Favorite

By Me - United States

Today, I got a boner at the dentist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39875

You deserved it

8826

Favorite

By friendless

Today, the reason I’d rather elope with my fiancée than have a wedding is because I have no friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1651

You deserved it

189

Favorite

By dontpanic - United States

Today, my girlfriend was getting up to leave and I, trying to be romantic, got up behind her and tried to swing her back down onto the bed and kiss her simultaneously, misjudged the distance and threw her into the wall, her head then bounced off the wall and into my forehead, spraining her nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11454

You deserved it

26783

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Atwater

Today, I had to grab a large kitchen knife from my son, after I heard him convince his friend to join him in cutting off his finger, so they could "be assassins like Ezio." FML

I agree, your life sucks

26572

You deserved it

3083

Favorite

By grandma - United States - Barnesville

Today, I check my phone regularly for calls or texts from her. I take her out to eat frequently, and we sleep in the same bed sometimes. Today I realized the closest thing I have to a boyfriend is my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41701

You deserved it

7187

Favorite

By DogThermoeter

Today, I took my temperature since I've had a cold for a few days. After reading the display, I noticed the sheath had "Lily" written on it. Lily is our golden retriever. It was in her ass yesterday after she had a seizure. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2100

You deserved it

1461

Favorite

By Anonymous - 4/7/2020 23:03

Dead to me

Today, and for the last week, I've been dreaming only to wake up when my dream-self commits suicide. I'm generally a happy person, so I've no idea why my subconscious is killing me so often. This time, I stuck my face in an industrial-size blender. I can still feel my jaw rattling from the impact. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1469

You deserved it

136

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom had one too many and announced to all of my friends that, if she had the opportunity, she would bang Gwen Stefani. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55814

You deserved it

4673

Favorite

By paidback - United States

Rejection erection

Today, I rejected my wife for sex. She then started to masturbate next to me. I got an erection. She then rejected me for sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8607

You deserved it

82819

Favorite

By Sleepy head - United States

Today, I fell asleep while my boyfriend and I were having sex. What's worse is that he didn't even notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55615

You deserved it

14974

Favorite

By Stupid

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend's wife. He's still saying he is not married. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2428

You deserved it

298

Favorite

By ohno - United States

Today, I was invited over to a dinner with the CEOs of my company, along with my two children. My 3 year-old asked loudly why we have two "nose holes", to which my 4 year-old son replied "So you can pick your nose and still breathe!" He then demonstrated. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36194

You deserved it

7026

Favorite

By Anonymous - 8/9/2020 14:01

Geyser Söze

Today, I found out why my B&B host looked so pissed this morning. I remember having too much red wine and puking out the window last night. Turns out the lampshade underneath the window spread my puke all over the freshly painted wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

392

You deserved it

1804

Favorite

By nolife - United States - Richmond

Today, I purposely misspelled words while texting my boyfriend so he would think I was out partying and having a life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10179

You deserved it

29907

Favorite

By makinascene - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's office because I was sick. The male nurse led me back and when he weighed me, he said "Why do I get all the beefy girls today?". FML

I agree, your life sucks

39529

You deserved it

5695

Favorite

By Iamthatgirl - United States - Ada

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a conversation about the lack of communication in our relationship. I told him that sometimes I feel like he doesn't really care about me at all. If he did, he would listen more. His response? "I know your name, don't I?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

42306

You deserved it

5811

Favorite

By curtain buyer - United States - Albany

Today, I moved into my new apartment. As I sat in my living room watching Netflix, I found out that my window has an excellent view of my new neighbors, who just so happen to like to shag with the blinds open. I guess I'll be buying some curtains. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31881

You deserved it

3660

Favorite

By UnhappilyUnemployed - United States - Madison

Today, I had a job interview. It went really well until I couldn't figure out how to open the slide door to get out of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42533

You deserved it

6159

Favorite

By TheKunitzShow14 - United States

Today, while walking on the sidewalk, someone hit me with their car. They yelled at me for being in their way. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37245

You deserved it

3343

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I started my research project on horror stories and people's fascination with them. I did some research and wound up reading H.P. Lovecraft. On the upside, I can now pee more easily. On the downside, it's likely to be in my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19914

You deserved it

4518

Favorite

By Loveless - United States

Today, after my partner of two years broke up with me, I decided to have a heart to heart with my mother about it. Her advice was to clean the house. I asked how that would make me feel better. She said that she wasn't sure, but at least the house would be clean. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31309

You deserved it

4571

Favorite

By Noname - United States

Today, my sister had a friend over and I had just gotten out of the shower. I wrapped something around me and walked across the living room. When I walked through, they both started laughing hysterically. Turns out, I grabbed a poncho and the hole for the head ended up right over my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17254

You deserved it

41687

Favorite

By badteacher - United States

Today, while I was substitute teaching a middle school class, a boy, named Chris, refused to get in the boy's line for the bathroom. After I had said, "Chris, what makes you think you're a girl?" in a very loud voice, one of the other students said "She is a girl." I've scarred a child for life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14822

You deserved it

52479

Favorite

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Top comments

By kenken5 | 16

#7901762 - Wednesday 29 April 2020 4:54

To be fair, does anyone actually know what day it is these days?

By KookieLove666 | 10

#7901753 - Wednesday 29 April 2020 3:21

happy birthday

COMMENTS

By KookieLove666 | 10

#7901753 - Wednesday 29 April 2020 3:21

happy birthday

By Auburn_flame | 8

#7901758 - Wednesday 29 April 2020 4:26

happy Birthday

By RichardPencil | 30

#7901759 - Wednesday 29 April 2020 4:35

Smoking will reduce the number of birthdays you have to pull ridiculous attention-grabbing stunts like that.

arther | 14

#7901832 - Wednesday 29 April 2020 11:23

OP said in her post that she doesn't smoke.

Seeya55 | 31

#7901892 - Wednesday 29 April 2020 16:46

Holy shit it's Mark Hamill!

By kenken5 | 16

#7901762 - Wednesday 29 April 2020 4:54

To be fair, does anyone actually know what day it is these days?

By bloopaloop | 27

#7901764 - Wednesday 29 April 2020 5:24

Should have done that with a speeding ticket

By Magimon | 21

#7901924 - Wednesday 29 April 2020 20:05

Happy Birthday!!!! All the best to you!!!

By mekiswrite | 21

#7901943 - Wednesday 29 April 2020 20:40

Well, you know what they say; "smoke if you got 'em."

By Gina Marie Lombardi | 12

#7901944 - Wednesday 29 April 2020 20:41

Happy Birthday 🎉🎂🎁🎊🎈🥳

By shepardkinz | 19

#7901957 - Wednesday 29 April 2020 21:09

Happy birthday, OP!

By breefearless | 4

#7901960 - Wednesday 29 April 2020 21:19

happy belated bday