Today, the city shut off the water at my house because my roommate... - FML

By parched - 2/11/2009 17:30 - United States

Today, the city shut off the water at my house because my roommate thought that the water bills he had been hoarding were "suggestions." FML

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This is us

Yappy neighborhood

Rich people problems

By 16seconds - 8/2/2010 01:56 - United States

Today, I had to buy a wrist splint for my carpal tunnel syndrome. Not because I'm a computer programmer or some hot shot web designer but because I spend ALL of my time playing Solitaire on my laptop. FML

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By katie - 25/5/2011 08:23

Today, as my girlfriend and I were making love, and she started to moan and groan. All of a sudden, she stopped and said "I'm lying, you suck at this." FML

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By purged - 8/6/2013 23:43 - United States - Mechanicsville

Today, my boyfriend and I watched the new movie "The Purge." After the movie, I jokingly asked him that if the U.S. had such a purge in real life, would he participate, and who would he kill first. Without missing a beat, he said, "you." FML

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By joshinbaltimore - 22/3/2009 04:15 - United States

Today, I went swimming. As I was getting out of the very crowded pool a little girl ran up to me pointed and yelled, "Mommy, I want big boobies like that when I grow up." I'm 16. I'm a boy. FML

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By swim5 - 31/3/2012 12:22 - United States - Tempe

Today, my boyfriend of 3 months broke up with me because he is moving. He's only moving 20 minutes away. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2010 16:35 - United States

Today, I was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling with the lights off. It was 1AM, and I'd just finished watching a scary movie, so I was a little paranoid. I was about to fall asleep, when an eerie light lit the room. I jumped, got tangled in the sheets, and hit my head against the bed frame. Where'd the light come from? Not a space ship. Not someone breaking in. It was my phone. FML

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By Jim - 12/4/2018 01:30

Today, I dropped my car off at the dealership for a bumper replacement due to a hit and run in a parking lot. After being told it was ready, their shuttle picked me up, and backed up into my just-replaced bumper. FML

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By your mother - 13/10/2010 09:02 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I went out for ice cream. We somehow started talking about which of our relatives had died. Right when she was talking about how her grandfather had died, I started laughing. She had gotten ice cream all over her face. She broke up with me. FML

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By Scooter - 25/9/2018 05:00

Today, I replaced the battery in a closet’s electronic keypad door lock, and I accidentally locked myself inside. My family was traveling, so I had to call a neighbor. He got me out, but took pictures and posted to social media. FML

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By LiquorChick - 20/1/2012 08:23 - United States

Today, I was transporting liquor between stores for work. A car pulled out and cut me off, causing me to slam on my brakes. My car stopped. The 200 dollars-worth of booze did not. FML

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By wellthisisawkward80 - 6/11/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, I was attending my bachelor party. I watched a very attractive young girl dancing on a pole, giving me a seductive look. As she walked up to me, I realized it was my soon-to-be wife's younger sister. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2009 23:25 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me explaining that he is getting married this weekend to a woman he met on Craigslist. Why? Because I won't marry him, and he'll make an extra thousand dollars per month having a wife since he is in the army. FML

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By Joanna - 27/12/2018 18:00

Today, during sex I said my side dick's name instead of my boyfriend. He isn't speaking to me now. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2009 12:05 - United States

Today, my mom tells my sister that she is worried about her because she has a headache and feels like she might be getting a slight cold. I have had the flu for two weeks and have a 103 degree fever. I ask, "What about me?" Her response? "Stay away from your sister." FML

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By Lisa - 1/10/2012 21:09 - United States - Bayside

Today, my boyfriend told me that the main reason he was dating me was because he was intimidated by pretty girls. FML

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By hatemyjob - 23/6/2011 18:13 - United States

Today, I discovered that even though I now have a key to get into the office, I don't know the code to shut off the alarm system. I showed up early. FML

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By daddysjudy92 - 28/9/2018 14:00

Today, after being hospitalized last week due to a severe mental breakdown, my mom is still mad at me for missing her big solo at church. She had even tried to demand I be released from the hospital for it. She's still going on about how she thinks I missed it on purpose. FML

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By Teamarie - 11/8/2009 15:21 - United States

Today, as I was driving my dad home, I got a text message. My dad, who doesn't want me texting while I'm driving, decided to read the text message to me. He began to repeat a message from my boyfriend recounting the amazing sex we had the night before. FML

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By RosesAreRed - 14/2/2010 18:52 - United States

Today, I received a bouquet of flowers. I thought they might be from my crush, so I excitedly opened the card. It was from my druggie ex-boyfriend, who apparently can't move on with his life even after three years. The contents of the card? "Baby, I got you like a habit, and I can't give you up". FML

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By Noname - 4/2/2009 11:23 - Canada

Today, I was singing to my cat and she reached up and put her paw over my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2017 16:19

Today, my dad tried to help me overcome my intense fear of horses (due to nearly being killed by one as a child) by taking me to a ranch. Within 30 minutes, a horse bit my face. FML

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By malebonding - 17/8/2009 13:50 - United States

Today, I slept in late and when I woke up, thought I was the only one in the house so I decided to walk around the corner to the only upstairs bathroom naked. My dad also slept in, also thought he was the only one in the house, and also decided to walk to the bathroom naked. We collided. FML

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By hurtsmyears - 7/11/2011 01:23 - United States

Today, I had to endure yet another evening of the old man in the apartment above me screaming, "No, I don't want to shave my nose hair, you crazy bitch." He lives alone. FML

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By Gabi - 9/1/2010 18:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I spent about half an hour trying to decide whether to buy a top, because even though it was lovely, it was really expensive. Eventually, after deciding to buy it because I could always return it if I changed my mind, I got home and realised I'd left it on the bus. FML

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By OhMyWhitney - 20/2/2012 07:41 - United States

Today, my friend and I got into such a heated debate the police had to be called. The debate was about Whitney Houston. FML

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By nottananny - 21/7/2009 08:49 - United States

Today, I realized why I was hired to be a nanny. Apparently the husband had eyes for the last nanny. According to the wife I am not attractive enough to be a threat. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2012 23:04 - United States

Today, my girlfriend texted one of her male friends, saying she's turned off by the thought of sex with me. She suggested a bit of "exercise sex" with him. I'm sure he would have eagerly agreed, if he'd been the one receiving the texts. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2020 17:00

White line fever

Today, I've been using a lot of Flonase recently for my stuffy nose, and my 4 year-old happens to call it "mommy's special nose medicine" out loud all the time. My neighbors now think I do cocaine. FML

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By elfy2 - 3/3/2011 02:49

Today, while riding the bus to a really important job interview the child sitting next to me threw up in my lap. His mother then told him to wipe his mouth. He used my sleeve. FML

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By ugly - 31/8/2010 12:11 - United States

Today, I was taking the subway to school. I was applying some makeup when I noticed a little boy watching me. When I was finished I heard him whisper to his mom, "I thought make up was supposed to make you pretty." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2011 02:31 - United States

Today, my husband and I got into an argument. I tried to assault him with a laptop. He yelled, "Don't hit me with the computer." My apartment neighbor yelled through the wall, "Do what you gotta do, girl." FML

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By mumfordandsonimdisappointed - 29/8/2015 05:09 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my dad how I rear-ended the car in front of me because of a particularly intense banjo solo. FML

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By Jeslyn03 - 13/1/2012 18:57 - Canada

Today, I wandered around my property with my children, trying to find our escaped house cat. While in the more wooded parts, we spotted her on the ground, being picked over by a coyote. FML

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By nothungry - 29/7/2009 00:47 - United States

Today, after four years of anorexia and lots of recovery, my parents took me out to dinner with my counselor and whole family to celebrate my progress. I ended up eating something that made me vomit everything I ate. My parents now think I am bulmic and are sending me back to counseling. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2009 06:31 - United States

Today, my friend accidentally left her facebook logged onto my computer after she left my house. I looked on her facebook and found a very long message between her and my other friends talking about how much they hate me. FML

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By Username - 23/1/2011 18:44 - United States

Today, my best friend came over for dinner and a movie. Moments after arriving, she spent an hour on the phone, and ended up accepting another invitation before leaving. I guess it's dinner for one tonight. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2020 03:30

Superanty Man

Today, I met my father-in-law for the first time. He went on a big rant how men are superior intellects and women contribute nothing to society. Ironic, as it took me, a woman, 30 seconds to notice it's biologically impossible for him to be my husband's father. After 33 years, both he and my husband haven't figured it out. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2013 02:56 - United States - New York

Today, I stole a pen from the doctor's office while she wasn't looking. Later on at work, I idly pulled the pen out during a meeting. My colleague looked at me, horrified. The pen had the words "minimally invasive gynecological surgery" emblazoned on it. I'm a man. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2011 02:13 - United States

Today, I was at my sister's wedding. Everything was going flawlessly. That is, until our visibly drunk mom started a punch-up over who got to cut the cake first. FML

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By beachedwhale21 - 22/6/2020 05:01

Always save to the cloud!

Today, I finally finished typing up a story I had been working on for about 7 months, saved it on my computer and left to hang with friends. Came home later to find my dad had sold my laptop in order to pay his phone bill. My hard work is now gone. FML

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Top comments

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#651092 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:05

Your roommate's a fucktard

By cerebellum_fml | 0

#651093 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:06

that is the most ridiculous thing i have ever heard.

Comments

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#651092 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:05

Your roommate's a fucktard

Reply

strar009 | 0

#651096 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:07

agreed!

Reply

wazdog | 4

#651777 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 3:13

Unless they had an arrangement where the roommate pays for all bills, the poster deserves it for not paying the bill too.

Reply

lolx7 | 5

#2413387 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 2:01

haha fucktard? that just made my day!

Reply

powermad80 | 2

#2422105 - Thursday 28 April 2011 7:38

"the water bills he had been hoarding"
The roomate took the bills before the OP could even get to them.

Reply

Kamon97 | 23

#5824280 - Saturday 11 January 2014 17:33

Hope you made him pay for it op

By cerebellum_fml | 0

#651093 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:06

that is the most ridiculous thing i have ever heard.

Reply

iKaite | 0

#651227 - Monday 2 November 2009 21:30

Its a human right to water, hence this is fake. No government is allowed to switch off water to someones house.

Reply

dirtybird2212 | 0

#651249 - Monday 2 November 2009 21:45

#12 the fed does not give a shit about rights

Reply

idkweird | 0

#651254 - Monday 2 November 2009 21:48

I'm pretty sure that they CAN shut it off if it isn't paid. It may take a while, but it can and will happen.

I got my electricity shut off in winter when it was about 40 degrees during the day and in the teens at night. They don't care. Bill didn't get paid, so they shut it off!

Reply

Jiplo | 18

#4184992 - Monday 19 March 2012 5:07

Yep. It's all about the money now a days.

Reply

Bonzer | 2

#4761921 - Thursday 2 August 2012 1:14

12- Really? If that is true then no one would pay for it.

By tifney737 | 0

#651100 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:07

first!!

Reply

iKaite | 0

#651299 - Monday 2 November 2009 22:18

First at failing.

By Xellith | 5

#651141 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:35

i thought it was illegal to have water shut off

Reply

Bonzer | 2

#4761907 - Thursday 2 August 2012 1:12

Wait what?

By lone_wanderer | 0

#651157 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:44

Woo! You're my hero! :)

By Thhe | 0

#651166 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:48

major props to gramps. quit whining just cause an old man gets more action than you

By Thhe | 0

#651189 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:59

aha I'm a fucktard, posted on the wrong one

By robor007 | 0

#651210 - Monday 2 November 2009 21:12

shens... they send letters in red print if you forget a payment. ydi.

Reply

Jordie210 | 0

#651253 - Monday 2 November 2009 21:47

maybe his roommate is that much of a dumbass! haha

By blastvortex | 3

#651258 - Monday 2 November 2009 21:50

And did he get the hint that he needed to pay up when you suggested via punch to the gut that he was an idiot?

Actually, since they'll make it painly obvious when you missed a payment, this is really a YDI.

By Kelykos | 6

#651276 - Monday 2 November 2009 21:59

HA HA HA what a retard !!!