Love: Today, after several years spent hung up on my ex, I was finally... - FML

By Miki - 16/12/2012 23:57 - United States - Kenner

Today, after several years spent hung up on my ex, I was finally moving on. I was on a date with my new boyfriend when my ex walked past us. He broke down crying, got on his knees, and begged me to come back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 512

You deserved it 4 024

Taking stock

Paranoia

Lightweight

By evenmybodyhatesme - 15/05/2016 06:47 - United States - San Jose

Today, after spending a day in the ER and a day in hospital, I was recovering from emergency surgery. My boyfriend left to eat and didn't come back. He texted me 4 hours later that he was drinking with his friends and that he loved his "brown eyed girl". My eyes aren't brown. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 404

You deserved it 1 240

By thatguy - 28/10/2009 17:07 - United States

Today, I learned that girls don't like it when you pass out from carrying them to the bed. What they DO like, is telling all their friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 149

You deserved it 9 158

Thanks dad…

By Anonymous - 26/09/2012 20:27 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I was on the toilet, when the girl I really like decided to call. I'd left my cellphone in my room and my dad answered. All he said was, "He's taking a shit. This might take a while." and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 557

You deserved it 2 590

The nickname that sticks

By ap84 - 27/02/2009 21:47 - United States

Today, after soccer practice, I was walking to the car with my dad. My team mates waved and said "Bye POTHEAD!" They call me that because they think my head is shaped like a pot. Of course, my dad didn't believe me. I'm grounded now because I have an abnormally-shaped head. I've never smoked pot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 653

You deserved it 5 609

By NYCproblems - 24/06/2013 14:06 - United States - New York

Today, my ten-year-old brother came to visit me in NYC. Within ten minutes of walking on Times Square he had seen a prostitute and a partially-naked man. He now refuses to leave my apartment and screams when I try to drag him out. He's here for the next two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 986

You deserved it 4 865

By Jack00412 - 08/07/2014 19:55 - United States - Montague

Today, I walked outside to find my 3 year old daughter and her pet fish playing together on the swings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 214

You deserved it 5 514

By Anonymous - 26/04/2009 21:50 - United States

Today, after driving a few hours late at night I decided to entertain the car tailgating me by not letting him pass. After doing this for 3miles, reaching 93MPH, I decided to let the car pass me. When I switched lanes, the car tailgating me light up in red and blue. It was a cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 161

You deserved it 96 990

Fortunately, she is gone

By IGotFinessed - 14/11/2019 14:00 - United States - New Fairfield

Today, I just realized that my ex-girlfriend has been using my credit card to buy condoms, beer, and dildos just to piss me off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 795

You deserved it 545

By Stevo - 18/06/2010 07:13 - United States

Today, my math teacher told me to learn how to say "welcome to wal-mart". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 490

You deserved it 11 873

I want to ride my bicycle

By Anonymous - 27/06/2021 14:02

Today, I decided to ride my bike for the first time in over a year. It was seemingly going well, until I got to the first hill. As I began to ascend, I was trying a bit to hard and shit my pants, 8 kilometers away from my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 769

You deserved it 245

By Scaryman - 21/02/2010 00:03 - United States

Today, I was sitting down in a store when a stroller stopped by me. While the parents were fixing the strap, the baby looked at me, gasped, looked at me again, gasped, and then screamed. Ten minutes later, another baby looked at me and screamed. My face scares babies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 214

You deserved it 4 150

Horndogs

By bullah007 - 28/11/2014 18:43 - Pakistan - Lahore

Spicy

Today, my friend made a fake account on Facebook, pretending to be a girl, and posted my phone number on a sexting group. I've been getting calls and text messages from horny weirdos all day long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 854

You deserved it 4 402

Don't drag me into this

By Anonymous - 11/09/2020 20:06

Today, my boyfriend's 13-year-old daughter called me a "stupid f**ing b****" on Snapchat because her dad wouldn't go on the trampoline with her. I had nothing to do with any of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 326

You deserved it 105

By Grrr - 20/07/2012 07:58 - United States - Salem

Today, I was walking in my apartment when I felt something stab my foot. Thinking it was a piece of glass, I looked down. It was one of my roommate's toenail clippings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 253

You deserved it 2 063

By "baow" - 17/03/2019 16:00 - Sweden

Today, I met this girl and we ended up having sex at her place. She decided to give me some head underneath the cover, it really was great until her Garfield sized cat decided to jump on her head and make her choke on it. Guess who got kicked out in the middle of the night for being too reckless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 077

You deserved it 316

By Anonymous - 06/11/2016 16:31 - United Kingdom - Maidenhead

Today, I was talking to my best friend about how much of an asshole my ex-boyfriend is. After about 2 hours of non-stop bitching, turns out she's actually dating him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 937

You deserved it 1 428

Too late

By Anonymous - 01/03/2015 13:31 - United Kingdom - Guildford

Today, while on the train heading to my new job, my coat caught between two seats. I didn't notice until my stop. I whacked myself in the face in front of everyone trying to get it free, and ended up missing my stop. When I finally got to work, I was told not to bother coming in again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 307

You deserved it 2 776

By Lonely_Army - 25/05/2012 16:03 - Qatar

Today, I realised that I've been deployed for far too long, when I caught myself looking down the cleavage of a mannequin wearing a bathing suit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 465

You deserved it 3 132

By avocadopurse - 09/07/2018 19:00

Today, I told my grandmother I was planning a trip to take my newborn son to meet his great-great-grandfather before it was too late. She had a guilty expression on her face. My great-grandfather died 4 months ago and my family forgot to tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 832

You deserved it 243

By Anonymous - 09/11/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I told the woman that I've had a crush on for some time how I felt. She laughed so hard that water sprayed from her nose and hit me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 526

You deserved it 2 895

By joanikens - 14/11/2016 07:20

Today, I was so broke, I couldn't come up with enough change to pay the parking meter at my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 176

You deserved it 1 034

By jsmills92 - 21/12/2012 00:26 - United States - Cranston

Today, I once again walked in on my husband eating our cat's food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 352

You deserved it 4 425

By luroluro - 23/06/2011 08:17 - United States

Today, I had to address a flatulence issue with an employee. Other employees are complaining about the smell. I have to continue addressing the issue until it stops. So far, I've talked to her about it 4 times. No end in sight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 353

You deserved it 3 133

By Pooperscooper - 20/07/2009 18:45 - France

Today, I learned when you're babysitting a 5 year old, and you hear the toilet flush and then the words "uh oh", it's already too late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 585

You deserved it 6 853

By pinecones - 02/02/2015 14:25 - United Kingdom

Today, my coworker said that she suddenly got the shivers. I jokingly told her that it meant she must be being watched by a dead person and made stupid ghost noises. She then told me it was the anniversary of her dad's death and burst into tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 554

You deserved it 14 753

By Nicks - 03/07/2013 15:10 - United States - Las Vegas

Spicy

Today, my mother-in-lawyer threatened to sue me unless I took my professional wedding photographs off Facebook as she did not like that they made her look fat. She is over 300 pounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 218

You deserved it 4 791

By notsoaloneanymore - 17/06/2016 04:32 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, my parents left on vacation for the week. Taking advantage of my freedom, I was planning on having my boyfriend over. My grandparents just showed up as they 'thought I would be lonely'. I can't get rid of them. Looks like I'm not having any fun this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 899

You deserved it 3 117

By pupitre - 18/10/2011 00:16 - Canada

Today, I was at a Chinese restaurant with my boyfriend and his family. After the meal, we all decided to open our fortune cookies and read them out loud. On mine, it said "You will change your mind many times before settling down." I didn't realize what it meant until after I'd read it to them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 393

You deserved it 4 925

Alexa, play "I'm a Realist" by The Cribs

By cynical - 05/10/2020 05:01 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was reading a romance story about a couple that fights, but gets back together and works out their issues. I was rooting for the breakup because I've become so cynical, I think forgiveness is weak and trust is for suckers. Yup, I'm now heartless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 774

You deserved it 403

By cnd1213 - 30/12/2015 18:02 - United States

Today, I had to do my assistant manager's job because she doesn't know what the hell she is doing. I'd interviewed for this position but didn't get it because I'm "still too new for this position." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 969

You deserved it 1 337

By Anonymous - 25/05/2009 14:55 - United States

Today, I snuck out of my house in the middle of the night. I ran into my dad carrying wine into another house. I didn't assume he was cheating until he saw me and said "I won't tell if you don't tell, please don't tell your mother". FML

I agree, your life sucks 86 587

You deserved it 5 486

By SorryIDontMatchStandardSizes - 02/09/2016 04:06 - United States

Today, I received my uniform for culinary school. I'm 5'4" and 110 lbs, and during sizing even an XS uniform swam on me. On the other hand, I need huge shoes for my size 10 feet. Apparently, the school decided to ignore my sizing sheet and simply give me standard medium uniforms and size 8 shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 598

You deserved it 1 111

Caught in 4K

By Evil_Egbert - 12/02/2009 11:54 - Netherlands

Spicy

Today, I found out that when I masturbate at night while watching internet porn I cast a huge shadow on the curtain and the entire street is able to see it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 871

You deserved it 54 176

By trippybmth - 23/12/2014 00:54 - United States

Today, after doing tons of research on a wand my little brother wanted for Christmas, I finally found one on eBay for $60. After already giving my credit card info and confirming the purchase, my dad called me and told me he found the exact same one for six bucks at a local toy store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 613

You deserved it 6 886

By ThanksDog - 05/06/2016 21:26

Today, after months of planning the perfect night with my brother, who was coming home for 2 weeks from the military, he cancelled because he "missed his dog". FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 410

You deserved it 1 490

By Anonymous - 09/05/2014 22:03 - South Africa

Today, I woke up to a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I jumped out of bed in panic and rushed into the bathroom, only to see my sister limping around in the nude. She'd just jumped out of the shower because someone had flushed the toilet downstairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 229

You deserved it 4 298

By byegeorge - 17/08/2012 11:26 - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Today, my dog was run over. The man who ran over my dog was taking his own dog to the emergency vet. As the man awkwardly tried to apologise to me, he said, "Think of the irony". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 802

You deserved it 1 975

Keep some things to yourself

By Anonymous - 01/05/2021 17:01

Today, a colleague was talking about how she'd made some tomato sauce from scratch for her dad, but then he died before she could give it to him. I said she should have put it in the casket with him so the cremation would've been a real barbeque. My filter is broken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 223

You deserved it 3 286

Admit you're shit

By Anonymous - 03/03/2021 20:02 - Australia

Today, I found out that one of my coworkers, who has been with the company for less than a week, is getting a $7k pay rise. I've been with the company for 8 months and still on minimum wage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 943

You deserved it 113

By workworkwork - 26/11/2011 01:37 - United States

Today, after working for over ten years at a dead-end factory line, I told my friends I was going to take some business courses and land myself a real job. All they've done since is laugh, mock me, and say that if Clinton couldn't fix the economy, I have no chance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 442

You deserved it 3 113

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Monday 17 December 2012 9:09

You yourself said "after several years", so I feel its time to let him go. I know it sucks, but if it took him seeing you with someone else to want you back, he is not worth it. He shouldn't have let you go if he really wanted you. Try it our with your new guy and don't compare him to your ex- he's an EX for a reason!

sugarshane007 20

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Monday 17 December 2012 9:11

For some reason, this FML makes me think of that damn mop in that one set of commercials. Baby come back! You can blame it all on me!! Some people just don't know how to let go and move on.

Comments

darkenddragon 3

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Monday 17 December 2012 9:04

That's why you guys should talk things out before you guys break up.

sugarshane007 20

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Monday 17 December 2012 9:16

With several years, and time spent hung up, I'd say they likely talked it out, and more than once.

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Monday 17 December 2012 12:15

8- what would you know?! You're just a platypus!

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Monday 17 December 2012 14:22

Why yes, yes he is.

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Monday 17 December 2012 17:23

Someone's illiterate. They've been broken up

sexxxysydney 14

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Monday 17 December 2012 23:38

What's the perfect person if it's not the perfect time? They could have been absolutely perfect together, but the circumstances at the time of the breakup didn't allow them to be together. It's not always just a "ohh there's no communication, lets break up."

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Monday 17 December 2012 9:05

Sounds like something that would happen to my friend. Makes me wonder if she posted it hmmm...

xXxIracebethxXx 14

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Monday 17 December 2012 9:23

Yes, because obviously this has never, ever happened to anyone else besides your friend.

unicornpower56 7

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Monday 17 December 2012 9:23

does she live in Louisiana?

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Monday 17 December 2012 12:03

15-Yea because I obviously implied that.

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Monday 17 December 2012 9:05

move on..

sugarshane007 20

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Monday 17 December 2012 9:19

OP clearly moved on, and her Ex clearly didn't. Not OP's fault, so why tell her to move on?

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Monday 17 December 2012 9:56

Umm, she did. That's why it says 'I was finally moving on'.

BntyHntrSeattle 30

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Monday 17 December 2012 9:09

Try to channel the old emotions you've [successfully] created and not let your ex get to you. Good luck!

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Monday 17 December 2012 9:09

You yourself said "after several years", so I feel its time to let him go. I know it sucks, but if it took him seeing you with someone else to want you back, he is not worth it. He shouldn't have let you go if he really wanted you. Try it our with your new guy and don't compare him to your ex- he's an EX for a reason!

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Monday 17 December 2012 9:13

Couldn't edit in time: out**

sugarshane007 20

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Monday 17 December 2012 9:11

For some reason, this FML makes me think of that damn mop in that one set of commercials. Baby come back! You can blame it all on me!! Some people just don't know how to let go and move on.

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Monday 17 December 2012 9:24

The swiffer commercials

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Monday 17 December 2012 9:19

Hmmm....so he only wants you back after he sees you with another guy? He's not worth it.

afallingstar 22

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Monday 17 December 2012 15:16

Don't know what you had til it's gone I would guess...his loss and OP should just keep moving on and forget him...as others have said an ex is an ex for a reason

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Monday 17 December 2012 9:21

That's cute

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Monday 17 December 2012 11:19

you're cute

BellaBelle_fml 23

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Monday 17 December 2012 17:24

I fail to see the 'cuteness' in this situation.

Mademoiselle_fml 34

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Monday 17 December 2012 9:21

Oh man. Sounds like a painful decision. But you have your reasons and you know them better than any of us, so I'll just wish you luck!

perdix 29

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Monday 17 December 2012 9:22

Wow! Now, you've got options. You may not go back with the old guy, but you will certainly gain "hand" with the new one! Men are like dogs. Something that may be somewhat desirable to a dog becomes VERY desirable if another dog is interested in it. Girls who know how this works use male friends to attract guys they really want.

rattusrattus 18

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Monday 17 December 2012 11:22

If men are like dogs, then how come my boyfriend won't play fetch when I throw this lovely, brand-new tennis ball for him? :P

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Monday 17 December 2012 12:43

because your throwing it, put it by your lady parts and he will "fetch" it 98% of the time, just remember we're like dogs that means you have to reward good behaviour

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Monday 17 December 2012 16:59

Same with woman, as soon as an ex girlfriend notices you with a new girl she wants you back more than ever. It's not a one sided thing lol

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 970

You deserved it 130

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 232

You deserved it 298