By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 23:00

Appearance matters

Today, I tried thinking of the best way to kill myself without leaving my body intact enough for people to continue to judge. FML

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BO Central

Thanks, I'm cured!

Our House

By shellbom - United Kingdom

Today, I rang British Gas to cancel my boiler cover, as I'm totally and utterly skint. I told her the reason was I was getting divorced, moving house, losing my job and had no income at all. She was very sympathetic, and said "how would you like to pay your £37 cancellation fee?" FML

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By mediocreboobs - United States

Today, I was home alone tanning in my backyard which is fairly secluded. I took my top off and laid there for awhile before I looked over and saw the UPS guy standing at my gate with a package because nobody answered the door. I looked horrified and he said not to worry, he'd seen better. FML

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By mama’s boy

Chuck E. Cheese awaits

Today, I realized just how spoiled and immature my boyfriend is when I asked him several times what he’d like for dinner. Getting no answer, I made steak, potatoes and salad. He then sulked and refused to eat it, since he wanted spaghetti and meatballs instead. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, a guy told me I was hot and that I should give him a chance. When I told him I was straight, he instantly called me a bigot. FML

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By poorpony

Today, I got on an elevator with a couple that started fighting about which sex outfit the guy should wear for their next roleplay. When they couldn't decide, they proceeded to show me all of the photos, including a My Little Pony outfit. I had to go up the next 22 floors with them. FML

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By Diblo - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Diblo's story

Today, I was in a middle school for work experience. One of the teachers was reading the class I was in a story about a man called Diblo. Innocent enough, right? Nope. He repeatedly misread it as Dildo for the entire passage. The kids laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my grandma's chihuahua was run over while I was taking her for a walk. She later whispered to me, "It should have been you." FML

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By EmmaG123 - United States

Today, I sent my mom an email with "Bad news" for the subject. At the end of her reply, she said, "And don't scare me! I thought you were going to tell me you're pregnant!" I AM pregnant, and wanted to surprise her on her birthday. Guess I should get her something less disappointing. FML

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By itchy itches - 23/8/2020 05:05 - United States

Box of magic

Today, my neighbor brought home a box of kittens he found in the park. Instead of calling animal control, he decided to keep them. Besides the incessant meowing throughout the day and night, a massive horde of fleas decided to migrate through his light sockets and into my nice clean apartment. FML

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By LexiBoBexi - United States

Today, my family and I went to the coast. Our dog was off the leash because we were the only people around. He was delighted to find a dead seal carcass and roll around in its remains. We then had a 3 hour drive home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my little sister figured out how to use the printer. I came home to pictures of Nicolas Cage all over my room. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I called in sick to my job. I'm already on shaky ground there, but I was honestly sick. I happened to call in during the mandatory departmental meeting. Apparently, I was supposed to go in a half-hour early. I called in thirty minutes late, during a required meeting. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Big Lake

Today, I asked my grandmother to hem my prom dress for me. I'm her oldest granddaughter so I thought she'd be happy to do it. She said no. Her occupation is a seamstress. FML

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By driver - United States

Today, I went to the DMV to renew my license. When I gave the woman behind the desk my name and social security number she looked confused. She then called over her manager, who did the same thing. Getting nervous, I asked what was wrong. Apparently according to the state of Illinois I'm dead. FML

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By no snow day - United States - Round Lake

Today, like every day, I had to walk to my bus stop. The only difference today is there was snow and ice over everything. Not only did I slip and fall, soaking both myself and the contents of my bag, the bus driver saw me there at the bus stop and drove straight past. FML

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By greaaaatt. - United States

Today, I found out that I get to spend the next two weeks at my grandparents house, which smells like cat litter, while the rest of my family takes a cruise through the Carribean. They can't afford to take a ninth person. FML

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By ihatemylife - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. When I asked her why she did, she said that the psychic that she was texting (one of those 44644 numbers) said we have a 2% compatibility rating. How does that explain 4 years of happy dating? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, upon waking up, I took a sip on what I thought was a cup of water on my nightstand. I quickly discovered it was my roommate's cup of used mouthwash which she was too lazy to throw out the night before. FML

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By badsitter

Today, my mother stopped speaking to me because I won’t let her babysit anymore. Her idea of babysitting is to sit my daughter alone with a tablet and a pile of sugary junk food for 7 hours straight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Perrysburg

Today, I got random constipation followed by diarrhea. It's 1:30am and my sleeping medication is making me fall asleep, but every time I try to get off the toilet I get another diarrhea spasm. Either I fall asleep on the toilet or shit myself in my sleep. FML

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By Anza - United Kingdom

Today, my mum told me that my sister's little kiddie swing wouldn't hold my weight. I told her she was being stupid, and went on anyway. A broken ankle and two pins in my elbow later, I'm willing to accept this. FML

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By monkeywrench - Sweden

Today, I was hit by acute food poisoning while attending a colleague's birthday party at his home. The toilet had a door that wouldn't close all the way, there were only three sheets of toilet paper left, and I had to walk home through town, in a dress, with my soiled underwear in a plastic bag. FML

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By good job bf - United States - Southampton

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me at my grandma's funeral. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my boyfriend was telling me about accidentally punching his best friend in the face. As he was acting it out he ended up punching me and giving me a bloody nose. FML

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By raebay - United States

Today, after I bathed my nine month old, I laid her on my bed to grab a diaper. I turned around to see that she'd peed on my comforter. I then put her in her playpen to put my cover in the wash. I came back into the room to get her, and saw she'd taken off her diaper. She'd crapped in her playpen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going to surprise my boyfriend at his family birthday celebration with a $2,000 trip he's always wanted, Ireland. Right before my gift, he had opened his mother's gift, an envelope containing a plane ticket. Guess where it was going? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told the girl I've been seeing for a while about the strong feelings that I have for her and that I was falling in love. She told me my words made her realize what it felt like to be in love. My words were so powerful, in fact, that she ran right back into the arms of her ex boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I signed for a delivery for my mom and something inside started to vibrate. I can't leave it because if she gets home and it's still vibrating she'll know I know what it is, but if I open it to turn it off, she'll know I've opened it and know what it is. Someone help me. FML

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By livingamongtheflowers - United States

Today, I received yet another rejection letter from a college I'd applied to. After crying for a week about how lousy I felt, my older sister gave me all 6 of the acceptance letters she'd been hiding. Turns out she's been forging rejection letters and keeping the real ones in her room. FML

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By whywilson.. - Canada

Today, I watched Cast Away with my girlfriend after not seeing it for a year. I forgot how sad it was when Wilson "dies" at the end. I cried. My girlfriend told me to man up. FML

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By Blackout at The Gym - 27/11/2020 14:08 - United States - Charlotte

You're a natural

Today, I had a great leg workout at the gym. Instead of doing my cool down exercise at the end, I decided I wanted to do something more adventurous, like box jumps on one of those metal stools at the gym. Well, it turns out my body wasn’t ready for that. Now my shin is busted and swollen. This is my second week training. FML

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By TPelekakis - United States - Kingsport

Today, I lost the 5 pounds I had gained over the last few weeks. I had vowed to do whatever it took to lose that weight, and I actually did, when I caught a horrible stomach bug. I'd eat my words, but I'm pretty sure I'd just end up throwing them up. FML

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By left, I guess - Canada - Antigonish

Today, I went on a blind date at a restaurant. While looking at the menu, my date said "Who even likes kweetch? Gross." When I realized she was trying to say "quiche", I corrected her. That pissed her off. Now I'm at home, alone, trying to decide which hand is going to keep me company tonight. FML

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By Anonymous

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Today, my mom told me my aunt was coming over. I told her I might have to work, and would be sad to miss her. My mom said, "Or, you know, if you're not there, it might be nice." FML

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By screwed - Australia - Perth

Today, as a last resort for my back problems, I tried acupuncture. After the needles were placed and the doctor had left, I couldn't move for 30 minutes. I had a panic attack. FML

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By nomorebeard - United States

Today, I was shaving off my beard for the first time in a very long time. I decided to have a little fun with it, and shaved my beard first into a goatee, then a handle-bar, then, finally, into a Hitler mustache. My electric razor dies. I don't have a normal one or an extra battery. FML

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By only my life - United States - Concord

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and he was moaning a lot. My ego was quickly crushed, though, when I found out they were moans of pain due to a foot cramp. We had to stop so I could rub his foot better. FML

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By kewlio45 - United States

Today, the dentist sneezed in my mouth. FML

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By Sadwife - United States - Pardeeville

Today, I had my wedding at 11 a.m. so that I could spend a lot of time with my friends and family. Everyone left within 4 hours. FML

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By Suprise - United States

Today, as I returned home, I noticed some movement inside my house. Thinking it was a break-in, I called 911. It was my friends and some coworkers trying to throw me a surprise birthday party. Nobody's said a word to me since. FML

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Top comments

By mindy12182 | 17

#7937144 - Wednesday 9 September 2020 23:12

Get yourself to a counselor that's what I did when I had realized I was trying to figure out how to do it and be found soon enough that my pets wouldn't starve or suffer.

By genuinegoodguy | 9

#7937154 - Wednesday 9 September 2020 23:40

Please seek qualified help urgently.

COMMENTS

By Charlie Given | 23

#7937142 - Wednesday 9 September 2020 23:10

Please go get some help I've been where your at it's not a healthy state of mind to dwell in. Suicide is never the answer it leaves a wake of destruction with family, friends and co-workers. and might lead to someone you love doing the same thing, good luck OP and find someone to help you

By mindy12182 | 17

#7937144 - Wednesday 9 September 2020 23:12

Get yourself to a counselor that's what I did when I had realized I was trying to figure out how to do it and be found soon enough that my pets wouldn't starve or suffer.

By genuinegoodguy | 9

#7937154 - Wednesday 9 September 2020 23:40

Please seek qualified help urgently.

By EmmaMK | 34

#7937158 - Wednesday 9 September 2020 23:45

Beautiful people are beautiful on the inside. We are all different, it would be boring if we were all the same. Deep breath in, and say “I’ve got this! I can handle this!” Now go a make a positive impact, no matter how small, even stoke a pet. You got this!!!

By DarkAngelsBlade | 25

#7937159 - Wednesday 9 September 2020 23:47

Suicides probably not the answer. But I definitely know the answer to the question you asked yourself.

By LouiseJane | 1

#7937169 - Thursday 10 September 2020 0:36

Please message me if you need to talk to someone!

Reply

namine120409 | 40

#7937280 - Thursday 10 September 2020 12:55

Ditto

By CA91 | 9

#7937172 - Thursday 10 September 2020 1:11

please see professional help asap! Message me in the mean time, if you would like

By RichardPencil | 29

#7937174 - Thursday 10 September 2020 2:24

Go to a Trump rally and try to make everyone put on masks and socially distance. Make sure you wear your AOC '24 T-shirt.

Reply

jfigley | 5

#7937546 - Friday 11 September 2020 15:00

haha thats funny...

By mandymoo78 | 22

#7937183 - Thursday 10 September 2020 5:07

Please, please find someone to talk to. If you’re in the USA call the hotline number. They are there 24/7 and are trainings to help. 1-800-273-8255

By mandymoo78 | 22

#7937184 - Thursday 10 September 2020 5:08

Please, please find someone to talk to. If you’re in the USA call the hotline number. They are there 24/7 and are trainings to help.