Today, as I snuck downstairs for a midnight movie, I witnessed my dad "polishing his wand" to Harry Potter porn in the living room. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I snuck downstairs to watch a midnight movie. One moment I'm trying to plug my headphones in, in the dark, and the next my dad's beating the shit out of me with a baseball bat. Turns out he snuck down after me for a midnight snack and thought I was a burglar disconnecting the TV. FML
Today, I was woken up by the sound of my dad blasting porn on his computer. FML
Today, my dad watched his first Lord of the Rings marathon. Now he keeps spouting lines from the movies, and thought it'd be funny to hide in my closet, just to jump out at me screaming, "My precious!" FML
Today, my boyfriend came in my room dressed as Harry Potter and declared that he was going to put his basilisk into my chamber of secrets. And yes, that was my first time. FML
Today, while helping my dad look for his watch, I found his porn collection. FML
Today, I went to see the new Harry Potter movie with my boyfriend. Feeling an intense need to pee, he decided to sacrifice a few minutes of the movie before the highly-anticipated final combat to get some relief. He went through the wrong door, locking himself out. Right until the end. FML
Today, I had to do a "damage report" on myself after going to the midnight premiere of Harry Potter. As I was waiting for the previews, a 20 year old man dressed as a house elf tackled and wrestled me for my seat. FML
Today, me and my dad were in a sort of prank war. I decided to get him back for one last time tonight, so I hid in his office to scare him. This would have been okay had I not caught him watching porn. I had to hide for an hour. FML
Today, I was babysitting for my mom's coworkers two little boys. they went to bed around 9 and I was watching a movie on HBO. I fell asleep before the movie was over. I woke up to the parents walking into the house. I looked at the TV, and porn was on. FML
Today, my dad walked into my room, threw some magazines on my bed, and calmly said, "You left your porn in the bathroom again." FML
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Top comments
iAlissa 34
That's a huge Dumbledon't
pokemyeyes 23
"Polishing his wand" *gag* Graphic choice of words there op
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Comments (101)
iAlissa 34
That's a huge Dumbledon't
slick5880 22
Isn't that just magical.
JMichael 26
never laughed so hard. thank you
LilMissCanadian 22
He ron away from the scene.
helptheorphans 17
not unless his dad was very harry
syki 22
I don't know why the dad didn't expect it. The **** star was do loud, you could hear Hermione from the stairs.
pokemyeyes 23
Oh dear god
C001Gir1 17
oh dear Merlin
AcieMcG 21
*Rumbleroar
kyrisonfusion 22
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Did he cast a spell on you after by chance? Sorry to hear about it
ellabellaboom 24
Stop...
Emirac 10
Hey #18 it's legit. He could've used a memory charm like obliviate to erase the memory of seeing it.
higgysaurus 18
That sorta sounded like #3 meant seduction....
tantanpanda 26
#27, if that were the case, this fml wouldn't exist.
Emirac 10
I know #27. It's called a sense of humor, not point out the obviousness of something that doesn't even exist in the first place. I thought the fml community was supposed to understand jokes.
Wizardo 34
Cockus Engorgio.
drunkmunkey 24
that's only before sex, afterwards if they don't want another kid It's fetus deletus
VonBlitzkrieg 27
wingardium leviosa
anthony99 14
*wangardium leviosa
spencer3000 9
That's a thing?
wolf12king 12
It's the internet there is something for everyone. No matter how obscure. Rule 34.
Driving_Gaming 22
Rule 34. If it exists there is **** of it. No exceptions.
EvilTurtle 35
So you're saying that if I look hard enough, I can find rug ****?
ThatHorse 15
Yes you can #20 Rule 34's only exception is for things that are new to the internet (ie less than 12 hours old)
KatieKoala 19
You probably can find rug ****, you just need to put your mind to it
Bibblejomin 18
Also, Rule 35: If there's no **** of it, it WILL be made.
NostalgiaFreak9 43
So if it applies to everything that exists, does that mean there's **** of ****?
beeferjay 34
**** about **** is called ****
Kyle1dc 17
... pornception.
thatnakedguy 17
This was a thread made in heaven
mjmaher81 5
Of course! erm, I mean... Probably, yeah.
pokemyeyes 23
"Polishing his wand" *gag* Graphic choice of words there op
AnOriginalName 19
"Gag." great choice of words there.
IndicaPaincakes 28
He may have been enchanting!
WitEluded 13
If you can get past the awkwardness, I feel like there is a lifetime of jokes to be made here.
elcee1987 18
If I were OP I would spend a lifetime trying to not ever bring this up, ever again.
ScottVining 21
Hopefully you had your cloak of invisibility on because that would be an awkward encounter.
kylem866 8
Sounds like a Harry situation
Girlshotdown1 21
That Pun was unnecessary.
drunkmunkey 24
I'm stupefied you didn't like it