Turbocharged Dog

Today, I posted that I'm having a yard sale and listed a bunch of stuff I'm selling. People started messaging, asking me to send pictures and prices. That's why I'm having the yard sale, so I don't have to post pictures and prices! FML

Out of it

Car Wars

Extreme late fees

By Anonymous - 10/8/2019 18:00

1402

293

Today, I awoke after 4 hours of surgery. The male nurse taking care of me is cute, very cute. I'm trying my best to seem fine and dandy when he tells me that I can't eat anything before my next poop, adding, "And don't flush it, OK? I need to check." FML

By lilipalmer - 13/2/2015 06:44 - France

36397

3396

Today, I was convinced by my friends to watch an episode of the American TV show "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo". They said it was bad, but I didn't anticipate having a full-blown panic attack ten minutes into it. FML

By WTF, America? - 3/8/2013 21:57 - Sweden

45145

9564

Today, I lost my keys while at the supermarket. I franticly back-tracked through the store, asking everyone I saw along the way. They eventually showed up, right where I left them... in my unattended car, the engine still running. There was an announcement made over the PA system. FML

By Loser - 12/8/2017 03:30 - Australia - Adelaide

Beep Beep Who's Got the Keys to the Jeep

2088

3208

Today, I went to buy some beer using my fake ID, when the cute cashier and I started flirting. When he asked me how old I was, I said without thinking, "Nineteen." FML

By Anonymous - 23/7/2012 20:45 - United States - Clay City

7821

60565

Today, the mall I work at started playing Christmas songs on repeat. It's the beginning of November. FML

By fml - 2/11/2016 08:45 - Singapore - Singapore

12070

1228

Today, and the 4 months preceding it, my neighbors had been remodeling their house, which meant jackhammer noises every morning. The one day they take a break, my other neighbor decides to start a remodeling project. It'll only be two more months of this. FML

By Anonymous - 22/3/2016 18:37 - Puerto Rico - San Juan

17229

1160

Today, I climbed into bed with my sleeping boyfriend after a long shift at work. He immediately rolled over, clamped my leg between his knees, and started viciously humping it. This is the fourth time now, and he still doesn't believe that he even does it. FML

By needanotherbed - 28/5/2014 14:21 - United Kingdom - Ipswich

51966

6114

Today, I graduated from college with two undergrad degrees in biochem and wildlife biology, with high distinction. My mom told me she had found me a job at a petting zoo. I thought she was joking. She then said sternly "I want grandkids. At least you will meet girls there." FML

By Anonymous - 10/5/2009 04:18 - United States

51071

3534

Today, my girlfriend gave herself a graduation gift: a new boyfriend. FML

By TheAngryBird - 28/6/2012 04:51 - Canada - Grimsby

29282

2691

Today, I spent 15 minutes scrubbing the bathtub, just to have my roommate come home and give their dog a bath in it. They didn't even rinse it or pull the hair out. I don't know what makes it more annoying, that I'm 6 months pregnant and do all the cleaning while working full-time, or that we have a hose outside. FML

By Anonymous - 27/9/2019 00:01

Hair of the dog

1419

179

Today, I went to the store to go buy a pregnancy test because my period was 7 days late. I get home, go into the bathroom, pull down my underwear, pee and come to find out I'd started my period when I looked at it after peeing on it. FML

By Nikki Lynn Richardson - 18/5/2020 02:00

Late arrival

1345

263

Today, I drove my car into a fence because a spider was crawling from the mirror. The police laughed their asses off. One of them asked, "What should I write in the report? That she got scared of a spider?" Then he wrote just that. FML

By Bilibók Renáta - 16/8/2019 14:00

1325

779

Today, my husband and I are still having a dumb fight over remodeling. He's decided to take an immature route and pretends to be asleep whenever I walk into a room so he doesn't have to talk about it. Earlier, he pretended to fall asleep at the dinner table. FML

By unhappy wifey - 28/9/2012 06:09 - United States - Portland

25273

3944

Today, I made it onto my boss's shit-list, after pointing out that he'd misspelled "customer" as "costumer" 6 times in his report, and "college education" as "collage education" twice. It'd be a dick move on his part even if making corrections like this weren't part of my damn job. FML

By anda1000douchesscourthispostformistakes - 16/9/2015 13:42 - United States - Meriden

23891

1690

Today, my mom once again yelled at me for "driving erratically". She texts while driving 70 miles per hour on the highway, but apparently driving through a yellow light is "reckless". FML

By drivingmecrazy - 13/12/2016 16:54 - United States - Stamford

8160

684

Today, I found out my mom pretended to be me and had AIM conversations with my boyfriend. FML

By nekoneko - 7/2/2010 05:15 - United States

36881

3009

Today, I announced my pregnancy to my boss. I was expecting all sorts of reactions, except, "But... Erm... How did that happen?" FML

By Anonymous - 2/4/2020 02:00

How d'you think?

1518

153

Today, I decided to confront my fear of birds when my friend's pet bird was walking up to me. He got on my arm, climbed up and attacked my face. FML

By birdsterrifyme - 23/3/2015 04:42 - United States - Sikeston

32066

4354

Today, yet again, I got into an argument with my dad. I have a PhD in the subject. But he's "entitled to his opinion", for, as he said, he's read a summary of the history of the country in a tourist guidebook, and the general view doesn't have to be based on more detailed information. He also corrects me when I speak the language, which he doesn't know. FML

By Anonymous - 12/7/2019 00:01 - Poland - Warsaw

1774

163

Today, I found out my best friend has a massive head lice infestation. It wasn't until after I'd used her hairbrush to brush my hair that I figured it out. FML

By caliibbyy - 29/11/2010 05:03

27982

7208

Today, I got into my first car accident. I side swiped the truck next to me merging into another lane. He was in my blind spot. It was a cop. FML

By bym5052 - 15/7/2011 00:28 - United States

27756

14480

Today, I threw a party while my parents were gone. I forgot that our alarm automatically turns on at 11 pm, so when people opened the door, it went off. I couldn't find the number for the alarm company, so the cops showed up. Everyone started cheering because they thought they were strippers. FML

By Life of the party - 19/8/2009 05:13 - France

13837

55656

Today, I was at Barnes and Noble with my dad, where he refused to buy me a book because I "already read too much." FML

By hfksorws - 8/10/2010 01:57 - France

31050

6043

Today, I found out my four best friends are going to Florida for spring break without me. When asked why I was not invited to go with them the answer I received was, "we don't think you would look very good in a bathing suit, and we want to be able to pick up cute guys on the beach." FML

By Noname - 6/3/2009 19:13 - United States

69470

6400

Today, I agreed to help out my 4-year crush with his senior prank which is to pretend we are dating for 1 day to freak everyone out. Glad to know dating me is prank worthy. FML

By turdtonomor9 - 12/5/2013 14:08 - United States

64717

9370

Today, the love of my life, and long term partner, sat me down and told me that he feels so comfortable in our relationship that he no longer feels the need to have sex with me, and he doesn't think that that will ever change. FML

By nolove - 14/11/2012 10:36 - Australia

37367

3636

Today, I ran into my girlfriend by chance while out shopping. She looked different than usual. Maybe it was the wedding ring she was wearing, or how she had her arm around another gentleman, gee, I don't know. That's two years of my life wasted. FML

By wrecked - 9/6/2014 21:03 - United States

69180

5540

Today, I came back to my apartment to see that my roommate had left out bread, deli meat, and cheese on the counter, and made myself a sandwich. When she came back, she informs me that she found bugs in the fridge and took out all the food she thought would be contaminated. FML

By ohnolunch - 5/3/2009 20:12 - United States

46621

15906

Today, I changed my Facebook relationship status to "In a relationship". The girl is made up and the picture is from Google. FML

By sadlife - 6/1/2011 03:35

13498

58756

Today, while I was trying to explain to my friend how smoking weed everyday doesn't make you stupid, I forgot what I was talking about mid-sentence. FML

By BCBUDDY - 7/5/2011 15:29 - United States

16387

91604

Today, me and my family watched the video of my birth. In the video, when my mother sees me for the first time, she says "God he's ugly!" FML

By mat - 21/1/2009 06:02 - France

34119

2565

Today, I walked out of my apartment to see that someone had climbed onto the hood of my car and taken a shit on my windshield. I only moved in a couple of weeks ago. FML

By poopsthegame - 3/12/2012 07:36 - United States - Honolulu

25868

1809

Today, my mother sent off a handmade Christmas wreath I made for my 70-year-old grandmother. It wasn't until after it was sent that we realized the box it was packed in was originally for adult diapers. FML

By Imagino1234 - 14/12/2016 18:52 - Canada - Prince George

6785

1205

Today, after leaving my workplace, I realized that I forgot some important work papers. When I went back to get them, I was faced with the sight of my boss and a coworker getting it on against my desk. FML

By Anonymous - 15/3/2014 22:05 - United States - Littleton

56394

5167

Today, I decided to clean my apartment from top to bottom. Once I was done, I looked over at my puppy, who then woke up, stretched, got out of his basket and started to pee. I shouted, "No!" Scared, he then ran all over the place, still peeing. FML

By Shiva - 18/3/2014 08:46 - France - Niort

48358

9392

Today, I went on a date with a guy that I really like. At the last minute he informed me a friend would be tagging along. To keep his friend from being a third-wheel, I kept up a conversation, and managed to piss my date off. He thought I would be a better match for his friend. FML

By newmoongirl1036 - 13/7/2015 02:03 - United States - Chicago

26836

3322

Today, I was being drug tested as part of a pre-employment policy for substitute teaching. Once I had peed in the cup enough to pass the line, I put it on the only available space: the toilet paper holder. Trying to get toilet paper, I knocked the cup over, spilling pee all over myself. FML

By Anonymous - 28/5/2019 14:00

Are you taking the piss?

1417

833

Today, I got 4 "photo enforced" speeding tickets in the mail. It was from the car that was stolen from me three weeks ago. FML

By SlowLane - 11/9/2009 21:47 - United States

43190

2814

Today, my boss/husband fired me from my job because I didn't sleep with him last night. FML

By Liz - 26/3/2016 19:26 - United States - Torrance

24159

3560