Turbocharged Dog

Today, I nearly sliced my nipple off while shaving my chest and had to go to the ER. Turns out it was a teaching hospital so I got to explain in front of two doctors and eight med students how, even though I'm a woman, my nipples are so hairy I have to shave them. FML

Triage

Empathy hurts

Munchausen by proxy

By HairyBoobs - United States

43310

6855

Today, in a coffee shop, I purchased two doughnuts and cup of coffee, a regular order which I've bought many times before. Today the cost was $1 less and when I inquired why, I was told, "I gave you the senior's discount." Their policy is a senior discount for anyone over 55. I turned 50 last week. FML

By cookieman

7386

1283

Today, my pregnant girlfriend asked me if she should take a pregnancy test to make sure the baby is really hers. FML

By "sadh3"

3391

710

Today, I told my husband that I think he has ADHD. He was offended and began to argue, then he got distracted by a dog outside. FML

By hannamacintosh - Canada - Cambridge

16792

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1630

Today, I witnessed my roommate telling a girl that he has "really healthy shits". I wanted to make fun of him, but he got laid by said girl and I went home to jerk off. FML

By damn - United States - Kenton

49363

7979

Today, I told my mom I was going swimming with friends. She told me, in front of them, not to go into the deep end unless there was an adult around because I'm not old enough to swim on my own. I'm 19. FML

By Anonymous

1881

178

Today, I went to the doctor to get a blood test and I started crying when I saw the needle. I planned on becoming a doctor. FML

By Caroline - Denmark - Copenhagen

28064

13488

Today, I was walking down the street, wearing nothing offensive, minding my own business, when a car drove past and threw something that hit me really hard in the back of my head. It was a Bible. FML

By Anonymous - United States

1713

122

Today, my boss came back from a 2 week vacation. I was the only one covering for him, and I did an excellent job. It was my chance to get a promotion. I actually improved his sales while he was gone. But the only thing he noticed was that I killed his plant. FML

By Anonymous - United States

70054

5124

Today, I think I met the one. I had the best date ever. We played mini golf and talked about all the things we had in common. After sharing a kiss, I said goodbye, with the promise to meet up again. Too bad he forgot to mention he was moving to Texas the next day. FML

By SadlySally - United States - Memphis

10238

698

Today, I had to use a drop hole toilet while camping. The smell will haunt me for the rest of my life. FML

By Anonymous

Nature calls

1044

612

Today, I went to the eye doctor and they used dilating eye-drops on me. After I left, my vision was still pretty blurry. I walked to the subway and when I went to step onto the train, I missed and my whole left leg got stuck in the gap. The train was delayed 10 minutes because of me. FML

By kraussy - United States

53460

5304

Today, in a supermarket, my four-year-old son whispered to me, asking if the checkout lady was able to wash between her fat rolls. She heard. FML

By super maman - France - Montauban

43610

5463

Today, my mom found a new favorite game. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of a year and still have not been able to find a job (months after graduating college). Due to this stress I cry easily, her game? Seeing how many times a day she can make me boo-hoo. FML

By sadchick - United States

37586

8770

Today, I got locked in my boyfriend's garage in my underwear while his parents ripped him a new one for having sex beneath their roof. His sister had to let me out. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Bronx

23383

4992

Today, my weird neighbor is a conspiracy theorist and thinks the government is trying to kill him. Someone thought it would be funny to shine a red laser light through his window. I was on the stairs when he ran past, screaming bloody murder, sending me down a flight of steps. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Eagle Point

47025

3521

Today, while we were at a work party, I noticed a drunk lady in the mix. I pointed out to my boss how dumb she looked. It was his daughter. FML

By boss_daughter - United States

28508

14171

Today, I was accused of shoplifting, after the alarm started beeping as I walked into the store. FML

By anonynomi - United States - San Francisco

24924

1583

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be wise to joke that we needed to postpone our reunion for another week. We haven't seen each other for almost 4 months, due to events out of our control. He thinks he's funny. He'll get punched when we do see each other again. FML

By Anonymous - 9/11/2020 08:03

Planned assault

682

1035

Today, my boss held a meeting to talk about how we can't overlook others and no one should pick favorites. I walked out unemployed when I pointed out that she completely ignored the person who made the biggest sale in company history and constantly gave her son raises for mediocre work. FML

By Anonymous

Whistleblower

5729

972

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to go down on me with chewing gum in her mouth. I spent the next hour and a half getting Orbit out of my pubes. FML

By unendowed - United States - Katy

Time consumed

30285

11634

Today, I realized for the last year that my husband has been home from Iraq, I haven't gotten more than a few hours of sleep at night. Not because he gets nightmares, but because he now snores so loud that the pets sleep at the other end of the house to get rest. FML

By xetsa - France

23639

3217

Today, it's again one of many times my mom dropped me off at the mall to hang out with friends. Since I have no friends, I shop by myself and always tell her I had "so much fun". FML

By FriendlessLoser - United States - Bristow

16575

2698

Today, I was having a bad day at work. Then, on my coffee break, a little boy walked up to me and told me I was the prettiest girl he'd ever seen. I'm a guy. FML

By imsadnow - United States

38049

7273

Today, I scratched my car with a bottle of scratch remover deeply enough that the scratch remover couldn't remove it. FML

By ohtheirony

2515

572

Today, my psycho ex is threatening to take me to court on child abuse allegations. How did I abuse them? I “gendered” our children by buying them certain colored clothing and toys... that they’d asked for. FML

By baddaddy

5235

304

Today, I was driving on the freeway when I get a call from my friend explaining that our two best friends died in a car accident. I pulled over in hysterics and a cop came to see what was wrong. I explained what happened and he gave me a ticket for talking on the phone while driving. FML

By sadinseattle - United States

110103

17471

Today, I found out that my so-called "friends" on my Skype group chat have another group chat that contains everyone but me. Apparently, they made it so I would not "disturb" their conversations. FML

By AlwaysRejected - United States - Fremont

20749

2589

Today, I realized that the guy that I've liked for the past 7 months is actually a girl. I've told all my friends about how much I like him, but no one bothered to tell me that he's actually a girl. FML

By Anonymoys - 22/2/2021 17:01

Pansexuality awaits you

555

648

Today, a close, funny friend who has quite the attitude, received a long email from a long-time friend of hers, telling her how difficult she is. When I told her it doesn’t matter, that she is still wonderful, she went off on how bad a friend I am for saying that, and then deleted me off WhatsApp. FML

By meowitzer

All over the place

1351

180

Today, I opened up an English textbook to find someone else's dirty fingernails between the pages. FML

By Marcipaud - United States - Detroit

12532

976

Today, my neighbours' whiny emo of a daughter got dumped by her boyfriend. In her infinite wisdom, she's chosen to cope by playing on her recorder the worst rendition of "My Heart Will Go On" that I've ever heard. It's been going on all day. Now I know why he dumped this idiot. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Liverpool

55097

9286

Today, I went to my crushes Mardi Gras party. He was handing out beads to all the girls at the party that flashed him. When he came around to me he stopped and said "I will give you these beads NOT to flash me." FML

By MADfml - United States

59497

5184

Today, my mom once again cried that I never come to visit her. I’ve tried, but her house is just unbearable. It’s always no less than 80°F inside, and she also refuses to clean up. She just burns multiple candles and air fresheners all day to mask the smell. She refuses any cleaning help I offer. FML

By anonymous

Stinky mom

1681

124

Today, I had to slowly explain to my best friend that when babies are born, the umbilical cord is attached to the baby's belly-button, not the mother's. FML

By baffled - United Kingdom - Norwich

22456

1832

Today, my boss sent me a Word document that he wanted me to make into a PowerPoint presentation for him. It was a set of proposals for the board of directors about cost-saving options. The third option was to eliminate my position in the company. FML

By HALIFAAA - Germany - Braunschweig

33289

2174

Today, my coworker showed me photos of her anal fissures. I'm not a doctor. FML

By Workplace woes - United States - San Francisco

14066

1003

Today, I went in my car to a very important job interview. I was out of gas, so I had to get some on the way. When i was done pumping, I went to get back in and the door handle broke off on the driver's side. Then I blew a tire on a piece of metal. Needless to say, I lost my chance. FML

By "syd_the_kidd_9707"

2228

186

Today, I told my dog to give me the stick he had in his mouth so I could throw it for him. After I picked it up I realized it was a dried-out piece of shit. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Mantua

24851

13227

Today, I was heading out for lunch, and a co-worker asked me if I would pick up their pizza. I said yes, because, why not? Just as I arrived, they texted to inform me that the pizza was under the name "Anita Luong Duong". FML

By Sally

6224

753