Today, after a long dry spell, my girlfriend started coming on to me in the living room early in the morning. Just as things were getting good, her toddler rushed in. Now she's crying in her room, and he won't stop sobbing and asking, "Why was your wee-wee in Mommy's mouth?" FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my daughter locked herself in the bathroom having a tantrum after her boyfriend dumped her. So, out of sheer desperation, I had to sit in the kitchen sink for a pee, which is when my husband walked in with his mother and sister. FML
Today, my toddler started running around the house yelling, "Daddy said a bad word!" over and over again. I don't even know what I allegedly said, but now my wife is giving me the "we need to talk" look. FML
Today, I woke up to my daughter crying, and my son running through the living room completely naked with her bottle, laughing his head off. FML
Today, I woke up to my 2-year-old daughter hitting me in the face. She had just pooped her nappy and put her hands down her pants to "feel it squish around." FML
Today, I was trying to sleep when I saw a head looming from the darkness with no eyes and a mouth open like a silent scream. I just froze and pissed myself. It was my daughter wanting to cuddle with us. Alas, the bed was wet, so she got put back in her bed, while we had to share the sofa downstairs. FML
Today, I was babysitting a really bratty little girl. She came and cuddled up on the couch so I took it as an apology. I feel asleep while she was sitting with me and when I woke up she had peed on me. She locked herself in her room and was laughing about peeing on me for discipling her. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I enjoyed a lovely shower together. It was indeed lovely until her father came into the washroom to say “Welcome to the family!” whilst taking a giant shit. FML
Today, I was at my boyfriend's house, hanging out with him and his mom. I had to do a number two. A while later, we hear his mom in the washroom. She had turned on the bathtub and was flushing the toilet. A lot. Later on, my boyfriend leaves the room and she says, “Did you make that mess in the toilet?” FML
Today, our daughter threatened to throw us out if her mom asked about having children again. My wife is completely unable to control herself, and lasted a full 30 seconds before trying to restart the baby conversation. We weren’t just thrown out, she soaked us with the hose all the way to our car. FML
Today, my four-year-old daughter started screaming and lashing out at me as I was getting her ready for a bath. It seems my idiot husband told her she was still small enough to be feasted on by the "drain monster". FML
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Top comments
TomeDr 25
Bedroom doors have locks, you know. How difficult would it have been for you two to go there for your fun time?
Attacksloth32 7
It doesn't take much to wake up a toddler. Maybe next time do it in the bedroom.
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Comments (9)
TomeDr 25
Bedroom doors have locks, you know. How difficult would it have been for you two to go there for your fun time?
Anderling 33
This is why you never trust a kid to stay asleep.
Attacksloth32 7
It doesn't take much to wake up a toddler. Maybe next time do it in the bedroom.
JackWood 21
You tell her you had an ouchie and mommy was kissing it to make it better.
RichardPencil 32
Tell her that you were low on air and Mommy was inflating you. By the time the kid learns that a penis is not a Schraeder valve, you'll be long gone.
Plop 17
And if the kid has doubts, OP can show the scene with the inflatable autopilot getting reinflated by a hostel is the historic documentary Airplane.
Brightside86 31
So how do you explain that too a toddler? When 2 married adults love each other very much...
Vesi 30
OP said girlfriend so not married.. and marriage is not required to get their freak on. TO OP: next time, adjourn to the bedroom and lock the door. =)
Hangryko 32
YDI to you and your girlfriend for not locking yourselves in the bedroom. Save up for the child's future therapy bills.
dreams2383 20
this is one reason why I don't have kids or ever will.
1known 34
It was a game between you too and it is only for adults.