Miscellaneous: Today, my family was going to go out on a boat to celebrate Independence... - FML

By ellisp1

Today, my family was going to go out on a boat to celebrate Independence Day. We agreed we'd be at the marina by 11:45 AM. It's currently 1:45 PM and half of the family is still asleep while two are nursing hangovers. FML

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Taking stock

Freak out

No Gods, No Masters

By KICKxASSxNINJA - 26/9/2020 08:02 - United States - Fresno

Believe her next time

Today, my mother bolted into my room and let out a huge fart that smelled like rotten meat because she wanted to prove a point, that she had been having intestinal problems for three days. FML

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By Lilly_28 - United States

Today, I was home alone. I didn't expect anyone to be anywhere near home, so when I got out of the shower, I walked to the living room, naked, to get the tv remote for my room. Only to find the UPS guy standing at our glass front door. I screamed... so did he. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chula Vista

Today, I gave my 5-year-old daughter a unicorn pillow pet. She ended up giving him an ill-advised name, and has been loudly proclaiming to everyone she sees that her pillow pet is Horny. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2020 05:02 - Germany

Two states of matter

Today, I learned that is it possible to be constipated and have diarrhea at the same time. You run to the toilet every half-hour, but almost nothing comes out and you feel so bloated you could burst, while eating almost nothing. FML

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By gorokhan2 - 27/4/2020 17:00

The opposite of a good idea

Today, I wanted to prank my girlfriend by giving her a jump scare. Right before I tried to scare her in an empty parking lot, she turned towards me, pepper-sprayed me in the eyes and kicked me in the balls. When she realized it was me, she called me an asshole and dumped on the spot and drove away. FML

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By balls - United States - Santa Clara

Today, the only reason I took a shower was because I could smell my dick sweat while still wearing underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to slowly explain to my boss that in some parts of the world, it's currently winter, due to the different hemispheres. He scoffed, accused me of "making shit up," and said that if I took him for a fool again, I'd be looking for a new job. FML

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By nosexforthee - United States - Katy

Today, during a family game of basketball, my 15 year old son shoved me hard to get the ball. I fell and cut my arm badly on the ground. I yelled at him for being an idiot. He replied "Oh jeez, a bleeding woman being a bitch, what a fucking shocker." My husband doubled over laughing. FML

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By barri - Costa Rica

Today, both of my grandparents died in a car accident. My Mom and Dad thought it would make me feel better to know they were not my real grandparents, because I'm adopted. FML

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By Urinator - United Kingdom - Inchture

Today, I invited a girl back to my house and she seemed cool. I then left to go to the toilet. When I came back, there was a giant wet patch on the rug. The girl then blamed it on my dog, whose picture is on the wall. My dog died last week. FML

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By zitgirl - United States

Today, after 22 years of perfect skin, I woke up with a bunch of angry zits on my nose. I used a clay face mask that was supposed to dry them out. Instead, they were bigger and green. Today is Valentine's day, I finally have a guy to go out with, and my nose looks like it's rotting off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Austin

Today, I was riding my newly trained horse. I've recently been suffering from bad gas, and ended up farting so violently, it spooked my horse into bucking me off and running away. FML

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By Megan - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I was doing my laundry and I saw a dollar bill at the bottom of the washer. I excitedly dove in to retrieve the money, and promptly hit and broke my nose on the washer. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2020 23:02 - Canada

Yeah, fuck the poor

Today, I discovered my deadbeat ex-husband will not have to pay child support anymore, because while he sat on CERB the entire pandemic, I was an essential worker, and will be punished for having had an actual income. FML

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By really?!? - United States - Wendell

Today, I was driving my 9 month pregnant sister around in our golf cart and it died. I had to push it the rest of the way home. She wouldn't stop faking going into labor. FML

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By leah_kascar - United States - Hialeah

Today, in the class I'm teaching, I assigned my students an essay to complete for homework. One student asked me if I was deducting points for bad spelling. I teach English. FML

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By epiiphany - United States

Today, my little brother got mad at me, so he colored the entire screen of my new iPod Touch with a black sharpie. FML

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By Facepalm2020 - 21/6/2020 23:01

Sips unsee juice

Today, my mom asked me what twerking was. When I said that it was a club dance, trying to get out of telling her what it actually was, she begged me to teach her how to do it. My mom complained to my dad, who grounded me for not teaching her to twerk her ass. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend turned down my marriage proposal because the ring I gave her was bigger than the one her sister got at her proposal. Apparently she wouldn't be able to brag to her sister without "looking like a bitch for having a bigger ring". FML

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By What did I do wrong? - United States - Manhattan

Today at university, I saw a girl on crutches struggling to make it up the stairs to the dining center. Feeling sympathetic, I politely offered to help her with her bags, and she declined. By declined, I mean she maced me. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I started to type up a mass text to tell a decent amount of my friends that I'd just come home to a surprise from my boyfriend. Trying to fix a typo, I accidentally hit send with the text only saying "Guess what?! I just came." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Mateo

Today, my boyfriend gave me a $100 gift card for Victoria's Secret. Suspicious, I checked the receipt he'd left in the bag. Turns out he had bought it during the 2 weeks we were broken up for some other girl who rejected him, so decided to give it to me instead. FML

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By Lithiac - United States - Ocala

Today, at the grocery store, an elderly woman asked for help with some tea. I lent her a hand, spending a good twenty minutes reading different labels out loud until she found one she liked. After she was done, she handed me a pamphlet and said, "You're a nice girl. I hope you don't go to hell." FML

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By meeranda - France

Today, my dad came home from work early only to walk in on me and the boy I'm not supposed to be seeing having sex. Did I mention doggie style? FML

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By birthdayfun - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My mom decided to wake me up by having our new, previously stray, cat thrown on top of me. I was awoken to two claws ripping across my face which needed 16 stitches to fix. Happy Birthday. FML

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By lolk - United States - Little Rock

Today, my boyfriend and I were on my bed when things started getting hot and it began to shake. My little sister called the entire family to the hall to listen to "the frogs in the wall". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I introduced my Chinese-born girlfriend to the rest of the family. My uncle immediately blurted out, "He's dating a communist." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, they played Nickelback at our school dance. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Haarlem

Today, my husband and I broke the news that I'm pregnant. Our 8-year-old son's reactions so far have been crying inconsolably, trying to punch me in the stomach, and swearing that he won't let me give him a brother or sister. FML

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By benander - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom defecating when I felt something hanging there. I reached back with toilet paper and starting pulling it out inch by inch; 3 feet later I learned I had a tapeworm. Worst of all, no pharmacy has the med the doctor prescribed. I have to live with this thing until the med gets here. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after spending five months helping my husband lose a ton, he left me. Apparently, "fit people" should only have sex with "fit people". FML

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By Julie - Denmark - F?rup

Today, it's been three months since my sister broke her car, meaning she couldn't get to work, and I've giving her money every month so she could buy food and so on. I just found out that her workplace is less than 200 metres from where she lives. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my little sister and I were reading a book together and out of nowhere, she said "I love you". My heart melted and I told her that I love her too. Then she told me that she was talking to her stuffed animal, not me. FML

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By badmom - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I did such a bad job explaining the recent change from daylight savings time, that my 5-year-old son is now convinced that we're time travellers. FML

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By AmberKCole - United States

Today, the car in front of me was going slow and I flashed my lights and honked. I floored it and passed the car, flipping off the driver. Just as I went around the next corner I got pulled over by a motorcycle cop. A few seconds later, the guy I flipped off drove by honked and waved. FML

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By Miss_Blaine - United States - Houston

Today, I learned that my husband and I share the same taste in men. FML

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By Garageless - 14/10/2020 05:02

Ideal location

Today, I live near the bottom of a hill, where there's a curve and I'm seriously considering moving, because someone drove through my garage into the ravine. Insurance says they don't cover "Acts of God." FML

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By Hank Gummyworm - United States

Today, I was working the register at our local McDonald's. After a strange man left a massive order, he said, "Can I pay you in gummy worms?" FML

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By becca - United States

Today, I spent five minutes waiting by a stop sign. The two cars in front of me were taking a long time to move, so I began beeping and getting angry. Turns out, these cars were parked and I was holding up a line of traffic. FML

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By randm1 - United States

Today, I went to the bathroom and used the urinal. When I was done, I closed my zipper on my foreskin. FML

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Top comments

By Fritterzz | 13

#7479880 - Tuesday 4 July 2017 22:11

They seem to be independent people.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7479903 - Tuesday 4 July 2017 23:19

Ironically, your day is ruined because you are dependent on those shit people!

"When in the course of human events, ..."

COMMENTS

By Fritterzz | 13

#7479880 - Tuesday 4 July 2017 22:11

They seem to be independent people.

By Uralriver | 10

#7479883 - Tuesday 4 July 2017 22:15

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By gobiteme2 | 34

#7479889 - Tuesday 4 July 2017 22:48

And you are standing there why.

By davek | 36

#7479902 - Tuesday 4 July 2017 23:19

Bloody traitors, throwing perfectly good tea into the harbour and all that. God Save the Queen!

By RichardPencil | 30

#7479903 - Tuesday 4 July 2017 23:19

Ironically, your day is ruined because you are dependent on those shit people!

"When in the course of human events, ..."

By artybicardi | 6

#7479992 - Wednesday 5 July 2017 5:25

Am I the only one who thinks the writer actually had a fun family? ?

By Stealthninjaa | 19

#7480014 - Wednesday 5 July 2017 7:10

This post seems more like a "MLIA".

By RollingToTheTop | 4

#7481017 - Friday 7 July 2017 2:22

**I thought that was what the whole holiday was about. Oh, wait. Fireworks?**

By smartjaguargurl | 17

#7481058 - Friday 7 July 2017 5:16

That's when you go without them. Fuck them. Don't let it ruin your day.

By olga_crvjl | 19

#7481153 - Friday 7 July 2017 9:41

Lol damn and I thought my my family sucked At punctuality lol