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The all-time greatest FMLs

Zit remedy

By Pimped out - 08/09/2022 15:00 - United States

Today, I have a massive pimple right next to my eye. I can't even blink without hurting myself. There's also one on my thigh, so I can't move or sit down without hurting myself. And there's one below my armpit, so I can't move my arms without hurting myself. All I can say is, "Why me?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 949

You deserved it 237

First and last date

By Xyanthe - 18/03/2023 00:00

Today, my date was making remarks about “stupid illegals” and “immigrants are everything wrong with this country” because our waiter barely spoke English and apparently got his order wrong. When I reminded him I’m an immigrant, he said, “But you speak English and you’re legal, so you don’t count.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 948

You deserved it 279

You light up my life

By Anonymous - 06/01/2021 02:01

Today, I can’t sleep because the moon is full. No, wait, that’s actually the floodlight from the neighboring farm shining in my window. Apparently, they thought it a good idea to hook the thing up to a motion detector, so the cats and mice can play disco lights at midnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 948

You deserved it 89

What are you complaining about exactly?

By Rob - 26/04/2022 12:00

Today, almost every girl in my contacts thinks I’m sexually unattractive, and one even said I’m "too nice.” The one girl that is sexually attracted to me only wants me for sex, and wants nothing else to do with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 948

You deserved it 333

Crossword anxiety

By Anonymous - 28/02/2021 00:30 - United States - Gloucester

Today, I've been so anxious that I downloaded a crossword app to try to focus. You get stars whenever you complete a puzzle, either 1, 2, or 3. I'm now up to 400 stars and placed first in a competition I didn't even know I was participating in. I'm still anxious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 948

You deserved it 180

Landlords…

By more depressed than ever - 03/10/2021 02:01 - United States

Today, I got a housekeeping warning from my landlord. After struggling with multiple serious health issues, I’ve also been dealing with a horrible case of depression as a result. When I tried to explain this to the manager, she decided to get the county involved and try to have me committed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 948

You deserved it 245

But mah grandbabiiiiiiiiez

By Anonymous - 20/10/2021 02:00

Today, my mother found out that my fiancée broke up with her last boyfriend because she didn't want kids and he did. She's now demanding that I either change her mind, or call things off with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 948

You deserved it 127

Shoulda woulda coulda

By Anonymous - 20/06/2021 11:00

Today, I did the math: back at college in 2011, I had a $20,000+ reimbursement from my school. If I had invested even half my cash into Bitcoin then ($2.50), I would be worth over $120,000,000. Instead, I said, "Fuck that! This is stupid", and am now over $200,000 in student loan debt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 948

You deserved it 356

Bumpy ride

By Anonymous - 16/07/2021 04:01

Today, I have a skin disease that causes my arms and legs to have small, but noticeable, red bumps on them. Trying to stay confident, I put on a swimsuit and went to the pool, only to be bumped into by a cute guy, who then asked why my arms were so "bumpy and disgusting." FML

I agree, your life sucks 948

You deserved it 116

Top of the mornin' to ya!

By Anonymous Taco Man - 03/08/2021 14:01 - United States

Today, my dog had REALLY bad diarrhea. I found that out when I woke up to find it all over my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 948

You deserved it 109

Is it that rare?

By Anonymous - 14/06/2022 00:00

Today, my girlfriend is mad at me. Apparently in her country, not burping after a meal is very rude, and means you think their cooking skill is bad. I get throat gurgles, not burps. I tried to explain, but she thinks I made up a fake condition. It’s not fake, just so rare it’s unheard of. FML

I agree, your life sucks 947

You deserved it 137

Designated driver

By Anonymous - 19/03/2023 12:00

Today, my wife got me a car for my birthday. It's a nice one but I soon realized it's a trap: I have to take her everywhere, or she tells me she can take it back anytime. So much for a gift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 947

You deserved it 190

By PasFiancé - 09/10/2015 08:15 - Iceland - Reykjav?k

Today, under the Northern Lights of the Arctic Circle, I presented my girlfriend with an engagement ring and asked her if she would become my wife. She said, "I can’t, I have mittens." FML

I agree, your life sucks 947

You deserved it 97

By SigSeg - 23/12/2013 04:13 - China - Huntington Beach

Today, it’s been a semester since I came to Shanghai to study and my Chinese girlfriend nicely offered me a pear after a long exam. I cut the fruit to share it with her. When I saw her burst in tears, I understood that it was a way to announce a breakup in China. FML

I agree, your life sucks 947

You deserved it 76

What is it now?

By Anonymous - 29/12/2022 21:00

Today, while staying at my mother’s house, she messaged me at 5:45 a.m. saying she “desperately” needed my help. I rushed over to her, only to find out she'd lied. She actually wanted me to help clean her garbage dump of a room. I’m starting to remember why I don’t visit often. FML

I agree, your life sucks 947

You deserved it 126

Rich people problems

By Anonymous - 02/09/2021 05:01

Today, I got a gift from my wife. It was a beautiful watch. The same exact watch I'd sold to our local jewelers for 6k. She bought it for 10k. When I told her, she said, "Hmmm, I thought it looked familiar." There goes 4K from our joint account. I could’ve thought of 4000 ways to spend that money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 947

You deserved it 693

Guilt by association

By Never Too Old - 02/08/2022 02:00 - United States

Today, my dad has officially started testing to find out if he is autistic. I'm happy for him defying the "too old" stigma; however, the problem is that I am autistic as well, and my dad can be a rather unpleasant person at times, so I'm afraid he'll give the disorder a bad name and make both of our lives worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 947

You deserved it 203

Inebriated utterances

By Brenden Alistair Maye - 30/07/2021 01:59

Today, after the girl I fell head over heels for asked me out last night, it turns out she was so drunk at the time, she doesn't remember and doesn't want to date me at all. I'm beginning to feel like my life is some shitty movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 947

You deserved it 122

Fingered

By Anonymous - 03/07/2023 18:00 - Finland - Tampere

Today, I went to see a doctor because of some blood in my stool. Not only is the matter embarrassing enough as is, it turned out the doctor was a young, crisply dressed, extremely handsome man. I then had his finger in my ass for a check-up, all the while him being very nice about it. I'm still mortified. FML

I agree, your life sucks 947

You deserved it 232

Repetition

By Anonymous - 07/08/2022 16:00 - Australia

Today, after extensive tests, I found out I'm neurologically incapable of forming habits. If I stop doing something for any reason, I have to find a new way, or never do it again. This includes work, hobbies, study, and even basic hygiene. FML

I agree, your life sucks 947

You deserved it 187

Innocence

By Anonymous - 15/01/2021 11:01

Today, my mom mentioned that she doesn’t think she’s gonna let my baby sister believe in Santa. When I mentioned that I believed in Santa growing up, she casually replied with, "Yeah, well you were slow." FML

I agree, your life sucks 947

You deserved it 144

Hotdesking sucks

By Bowerbird74 - 30/08/2022 12:00 - Bulgaria

Today, it was a new co-worker's first day, and yet again management told them to use the room I always use, and I yet again had to relocate my stuff to accommodate the newbie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 947

You deserved it 145

Overreach

By AccioBucket - 12/02/2021 11:02

Today, I'm banned from the only working bathroom in my house because my mother is cleansing for an upcoming colonoscopy. My options are either a bucket in the basement, or wetting myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 947

You deserved it 103

So close

By Anonymous - 20/07/2022 06:00

Today, not only did my ex-wife take everything in our divorce, my most recent lottery ticket was off by only one number, I would have won millions and she wouldn’t have been entitled to a penny. Oh well, back to sleeping in my caravan, which is all I have left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 946

You deserved it 160

Scary season ain't over just yet

By Anonymous - 05/11/2022 00:00

Today, I awoke to a series of almighty explosions in the middle of the night. Turns out I fell asleep with my AirPods in to a “Soothing rain” soundtrack, which had turned to “Storms and thunder” at some point. I pissed the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 946

You deserved it 402

I'm only sleeping

By Anonymous - 26/09/2022 19:30

Today, I woke up at noon after barely sleeping. I've been diagnosed with sleeping disorders, so this isn't out of the ordinary. The issue is, my boyfriend doesn't think it's a big deal, and is mad at me for wanting to stay in bed after he got up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 946

You deserved it 176

Nice to see you

By meeee - 13/02/2021 23:01

Today, I saw my 89 year-old grandmother naked. She just moved in with us and apparently, she has an "open door policy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 946

You deserved it 116

I did your mom

By Anonymous - 31/07/2021 16:01

Today, I foolishly asked my dad why he had a disability rail fitted, not in his bathroom next to the toilet, but above his bed instead. He told me that with his bad joints, he needs something to grab onto on Saturday nights while he’s plowing my mom doggy style. FML

I agree, your life sucks 946

You deserved it 1 595

Covidiots just wanna have fun

By Anonymous - 28/08/2021 13:59

Today, I've been in lockdown for so long, I got turned on by washing carrots. FML

I agree, your life sucks 946

You deserved it 236

I feel fine

By Anonymous - 26/08/2021 18:01

Today, my parents left me several frantic voicemails early this morning about the hurricane, totally in a panic that I wasn’t safe. I called them when I woke up and told them I was fine. They were actually angry that I wasn't in the eye of the storm, because they “worried for nothing.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 946

You deserved it 88

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The Top

Today, my boyfriend told me that when I orgasm, I sound like I'm choking. Only I'm not choking, I'm just getting the wind knocked out of me by his weight when he is on top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 297

You deserved it 398

Today, my dad got me to dance with him. After about a minute of waltzing to a song on the radio, he stepped away and said, "You smell bad. You need to take a shower." FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 288

You deserved it 30 968

Today, I came home to find my drunken father sitting on our front lawn. He had a blanket, lit candle, and was singing with his eyes closed. He told me he believed he was Buddha from watching the history channel. Meanwhile, cars were driving by our house beeping, and yelling "praise the lord!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 485

You deserved it 2 927

Today, I was at my ex-girlfriend's house, who I still have a major crush on. After cuddling as we watched a movie, she began to show me several pictures she had taken on her phone, and asked which ones I liked the best. She then sent the pictures I had chosen, to a guy she had met a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 026

You deserved it 12 758

Today, after selling things on eBay all week to afford a nice weekend with my husband and kids, my car died. Now we have to spend the money on a battery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 688

You deserved it 348

Today, in an effort to try and be closer to my girlfriend's son, I bought him an expensive Xbox game I know he desperately wanted so we could play it together. He was excited, until he realised that I that paid for it. He snapped the disc and threw the pieces in the bin. At least I tried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 584

You deserved it 214