By Anonymous - 7/2/2021 21:30

Unexpected visitor

Today I went to a much-anticipated job interview. I've been out of work for a month and I really need and wanted this job. I then realized that yesterday's hike was not a good idea when a tick crawled across my forehead in the middle of the interview. FML

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Taking stock

Deadly cocktail

No smoking

By scarredforlife - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Today, I experienced one of those moments in life you never forget. I walked into a homeless man masturbating in a parking garage stairwell. FML

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By Angelofkarma - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years took me to get a tattoo done with his name on. He paid for it. After it was done he told me it was over between us and he thought it'd be a nice reminder of him for me. FML

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By TheodoreFinches - United Kingdom

Today, on the bus ride home from work, two women behind me kept pulling my hair. I turned around and told them to, "cut it out." When I got home, I realized they'd took it literally. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a date to the zoo. I soon found out that my date had eaten several hash brownies before entering. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chula Vista

Today, my daughter started speaking with hashtags. I told her to knock it off, to which she replied, "You don't get it, mom - hashtag white girl probs." Hashtag FML

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By girlsgottagotoo - United States - Covina

Today, I passed a cashier when I came into a store. Later I passed him again as I was leaving, and he asked me if I needed help finding something because I had been in the store for a while. I told him I had been browsing upstairs, but in reality, I had been in the restroom the whole time. FML

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By I_dislike_Twilight - United States

Today, my wife showed me what was missing in our marriage with a Twilight video montage. FML

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By jay-frey96 - United States - San Diego

Directions

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. The words "Christ, Jeff. It's a vagina, not a burrito. CALM DOWN!" were spoken. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It was the first time in four months since our baby was born, that I could really enjoy it. After we finished up we walked into the livingroom, where my white faced brother was sitting. He said we left the baby monitor on. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I got home to find my truck smashed by a fallen old tree. I was going to have the tree removed next week. FML

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By stillyoung - Australia

Today, I discovered that the upside of losing weight is that men have started hitting on me. The downside? They're all twice my age. FML

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By SLA - United States

Today, my 11 year old brother walked in on me sitting on my boyfriend's ass and giving him a back massage. He tilted his head a little and then said "Aren't you guys doing it wrong? Isn't he supposed to be on top?" My boyfriend laughed and gave him a high-five. FML

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By scratchpost - United States

Today, my cat woke me up by sharpening his claws on my breast. FML

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By ughhh123456789 - United States

Today, I was cleaning my old neighbor's bathroom, because he asked me to and I didn't want to be rude. Plus, I was getting paid. He told me to "get the floor pearly white." So I scrubbed, and scrubbed, and scrubbed. Turns out the floor tiles are naturally a dull yellowish. I didn't get paid. FML

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By thathottchickk - United States

Today, I volunteered to cater an event at school. A little girl asked for a big slice of cake so I gave it to her. She then puked everywhere and her parents blamed me and made me clean it up. The little girl sat there smiling at me while I cleaned. FML

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By pst - South Africa

We need a break

Today, the hooker I have been seeing regularly for almost a year texted me to say she thinks we should no longer see each other again. I just got dumped by a hooker. FML

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By unknown - Canada

Today, I brought my 6-year-old to the mall to sit on Santa's lap. She told him what she wanted and smiled for the picture. When the lady told her that her turn was over, she began throwing a fit, pulling off Santa's beard in the process. This caused all the kids in line to begin sobbing. FML

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By Tony - 2/1/2021 08:01 - United States - Dearborn

Cats rule the world

Today, my geriatric cat apparently leaked a little before he got to the litter box because when I went to use the bathroom, I slipped on the puddle. My left foot slammed into the kick panel of the cabinet and now my second toe is purple, swollen and tender. I may have broken my toe by slipping on cat piss. FML

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By notalovestory - United Kingdom - Potters Bar

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I came back home in tears, and eventually told my dad what was wrong. He immediately excused himself to the living room, where I heard him tell my mum, "She's gone all Taylor Swift again." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2020 11:01

Zoomers

Today, as I was at work as a gynecologist, a twelve-year-old girl asked me, on a scale of 1-10, how tight her "fun stuff" was. This is the new generation. FML

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By mandm - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I had to explain to my son why it is not okay to slap old women's butts. He's 16. FML

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By nrelavender - United States

Today, is the anniversary of my cat's death, so I went to visit her grave in the pet cemetery. Someone had spray-painted "Your cat sucks" on her grave. FML

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By harro101 - Australia

Today, the guy I liked for years asked me out. I instantly said yes. As I was walking away, I forgot I was at the top of the stairs and fell down 20 steps. He stood at the top and laughed. FML

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By jen - United States

Today, as I exited McDonald's after a quick lunch, a man in a jogging outfit ran past, snatching my handbag right off my shoulder as he tore past. He must have been at least 50. I broke down utterly exhausted before I could chase him even a single block. I'm 24. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2020 17:01

Good listener

Today, in a deep depression, on my worst night, I reached out to a lifeline. Waited an hour for the counselor to arrive, listen for a few minutes, then tell me I should, "Get my mind off of it by planning my prom, sewing a dress or painting my nails." The application clearly shows I'm an adult man. FML

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By fabz - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my boss confirmed he is a micro-managing asshole. We walked into the office together and I turned on the lights. He switched them off and switched them on again, just to make sure that I did it right. FML

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By mavrick127 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I finally had the chance to have sex with my crush. Too bad I couldn't get an erection. FML

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By college parking sucks - United States - Deltona

Today, for the first time this semester, I was able to get parking in time for my Wednesday class. The professor was sick and class was cancelled. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I came to terms with the fact that my boss owns my soul for the bare minimum wage, and has me so whipped that he probably will for the rest of eternity, or until his ancient, withered, necromantic ass dies. FML

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By tatfreak - United States

Today, I told a cashier I always bullshit with that I was getting a new tattoo. She shook her head and said, "Honey, don't get a tattoo. You'll look like a whore." I already have five. FML

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By _SouthernClass_ - United States

Today, my youngest child gave me the cold she had. I also started my period yesterday. Now I can’t stop coughing, and I feel like a human ketchup packet. FML

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By Malakai - United States

Today, while in my room sleeping, my little brother deemed it necessary to come in and drop a book on my face. When I sat up with a now bloody nose, he looked at me, pointed, and said "You've just been facebooked" and ran away giggling. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2020 08:00

Rules are rules

Today, as I was leaving a night shift at McDonald’s, a woman wanted to use the toilets. I explained our doors didn’t open until 7 a.m. now due to COVID-19. She wouldn’t take no for an answer and as I went to walk off, I got a swift knee in the nuts for my troubles. FML

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By Hairy_Potter - Brazil - S?o Paulo

Today, I had to accept the fact that I'm going bald, after I noticed the hair on my chest is longer than the hair on my head. FML

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By burned - United States

Today, my boyfriend was cooking me dinner. He walked away and I decided to help by giving the pan of veggies a sautee flip. My boyfriend failed to mention that he had just pulled that pan out of a 500 degree oven. FML

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By Acesup111 - United States

Today, I informed my grandparents of my upcoming graduation from college. My grandma looked at me with tears in her eyes, and told me how proud she was that I was able to make it so far in spite of being autistic. I am not, nor have I ever been autistic. FML

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By moshgra

Today, I went in to work to check my new schedule for the week. I searched up and down and didn't see my name listed. After talking to my manager, he decided it would be easier to "release" me than remake a new schedule. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the doctor and found out that I am infertile. When I called my boyfriend of 2 years (whom I was hoping to have a future with) to talk to him about it, all he said was "So does this mean I don't have to wear a condom anymore?" FML

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By blah - 2/6/2020 23:00

Exercise One

Today, while cuddling with my boyfriend, he started humping my leg and said, "I'm gonna hump the fatness out of you and make you beautiful." FML

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By eggman 583 - United States - Massapequa

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I was, "trying to change her." A week ago I asked her to stop talking to the 6 guys that have all previously asked her for nudes. FML

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Top comments

By rainbowdonnareed | 15

#7970017 - Sunday 7 February 2021 23:39

Did you not bathe and wash your hair? I always came home and used NEEM oil in my shampoo and body wash.
It stinks but no ticks

By RichardPencil | 29

#7970030 - Monday 8 February 2021 0:24

That's discrimination if they don't hire you because you have a tic.

COMMENTS

By rainbowdonnareed | 15

#7970017 - Sunday 7 February 2021 23:39

Did you not bathe and wash your hair? I always came home and used NEEM oil in my shampoo and body wash.
It stinks but no ticks

By RichardPencil | 29

#7970030 - Monday 8 February 2021 0:24

That's discrimination if they don't hire you because you have a tic.

By Brightside86 | 22

#7970038 - Monday 8 February 2021 1:56

Plot twist the tick makes you standout just enough to get hired, and now for every future interview you always bring a tick.

By Kyana M. Q. Picazo | 3

#7970077 - Monday 8 February 2021 7:33

Ew it was on u the whole night and day

By creepingjennie | 9

#7970472 - Tuesday 9 February 2021 22:29

Same thing happened to me about 20 years ago. The director, who was conducting the interview, was kind and understanding, and insisted that when I get home, I should check my family for ticks, as well as share the good news that I got the job.