Eddie
Sharing is caring
Today, I caught my sister using my shaver to trim her pubic hair. FML
The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs
Keith
I never thought this happened in real life
Today, and since we met, my girlfriend has forced me to change my hair, clothing and jewellery, and my diet. She has changed basically everything about me. Then this morning she dumped me because I'm "not the guy she fell in love with a year ago". I'm not even upset because its too funny. FML
Anonymous
Lincoln, United Kingdom
Cogs in the machine
Today, I was dismissed from my job for my poor absence record. I'd not received any formal warnings, and was dismissed on the spot. My absences were because of my disability. He didn't even ask for medical records. FML
sourgirl101
Rip off
Today, I learned that my daughter pocketed the money I'd paid so she could go to college. FML
Anonymous
Toronto, Canada 🌶️ Spicy
Ghosted
Today, I gave up on Grindr because every time someone finally sees my picture, they ghost me. Either I’m really ugly, or most of the world hates black guys, either way… FML
Anonymous
Brooklyn, United States 🌶️ Spicy
On the side
Today, I saw that the guy I've been seeing "liked" a post that said, "Single moms are for recreational purposes only." I'm a single mom and we just smashed, all this after telling me that I was his "favorite person." FML
Anonymous
The Pope thinks you're selfish
Today, as part of my job, I had to watch a few 5 year-olds while their parents were busy with my manager. It only confirmed my choice to never have children, and yet my mother still insists I should have one, because once they exist and I love them, I’ll see how silly my choice to not have them is. FML
Anonymous
Stressed out
Today, I was supposed to fly home for my dad's funeral, but the woman in the seat next to me was so obese, her bulging flesh left absolutely no way for me to sit in my seat. I complained to the stewardess, who then forced me to leave the plane just for raising my voice in frustration. FML
Anonymous
Mind your own business
Today, I heard a man call a girl a r*tard. Furious, I stormed up to him and demanded he apologize for using such a vile slur. The girl started laughing her ass off and said, "Mind your own business, r*tard." FML
IantoJones_fml
Switching off
Today, our eleven year-old Chihuahua died in his sleep. Yesterday, the vet sent him home with us, saying he had mild congestion, and should be fine in a week. FML
no sleep til
The healthcare system is broken
Today, I tried talking to my doctor about my insomnia several times, but all she does is prescribe me antidepressants, and tells me to take melatonin or exercise. I ate two melatonin gummies nearly 12 hours ago. I haven’t slept a wink, and my insurance won’t pay for another doctor. FML
Anonymous
Ratatouille
Today, after my house almost got broken into last week, when I heard some noises in the kitchen I went to investigate. I saw a huge rat run across my floor, and nearly peed myself thinking it was an intruder. FML
Anonymous
Preventive measures
Today, a year after I moved out with no contact since, my former housemates texted me out of the blue to tell me I'm not invited to their wedding. Seems she thought I'd just turn up and "embarrass" myself. I never indicated that I intended or even wanted to go. FML
Breathy
Noise annoys
Today, while sitting next to my mom at a restaurant, she told me to stop moving and making so much noise because, "It's distracting." The noise I was making was me breathing. I'm not even allowed to breathe. Guess I'll die. FML
Gee, thanks mom
Why mother, why?
Today, my mother yet again chose to put my brother's junkie of an ex-girlfriend's needs and happiness above mine, despite the fact that she's stolen thousands of dollars and anything else of value from my mom's house. FML
Anonymous
Give it back!
Today, I found out that my brother has been stealing money from me for the past five months. FML
Anonymous
Biblical
Today, my son has a habit of picking on his little brother when in a bad mood. I heard a massive crash and found him out cold with his little brother holding a homemade slingshot and a bunch of rocks. Apparently, in school they just learned about David and Goliath. FML
MariahJoy97
Center Point, United States
Hallucinations
Today, I've been awake for so long, I've started to hallucinate. I loudly screamed while sitting in the front row of my philosophy class of 200 students because I thought I saw the Tasmanian Devil zooming around the room. FML
MariahJoy97 tells us more.
MariahJoy97 16
OP here. This actually happened a couple years ago. I was taking Adderall for ADHD and drinking an egregious amount of coffee. I would stay up for up to 6 days in a row on a regular basis because I was working almost full-time and taking 15 credits of heavy math and science classes and there was no time for sleep. I was going to school in LA and working on my undergrad degree in Biology. I moved back home to Iowa a year later and switched to nursing school which is 10x easier. I'm doing much better now. That wasn't my only hallucination though. I once sat in the middle of the road for several minutes waiting to turn into my apartment because I thought the parking lot entrance was being blocked by a guy wearing a giant easter bunny costume on a riding lawn mower XD
Anonymous
Rockaway Park, United States
Toasted
Today, I gave a toast at my friend's wedding. When I said, "Everybody raise your glasses," an industrial fan went off and blew my dress over my head. Now, people won't stop talking about how my "blue granny panties" didn't match my dress. FML
Anonymous
Dumbass
Today, my son is an idiot, but I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt by giving him a job as a cashier in one of my stores. Within half an hour, I was sent security footage from that store's manager showing my son on his phone, ignoring customers, picking his nose, and stealing money from the till. FML
Anonymous
Emsdale, Canada
I'm busy
Today, my Mom was gushing to a relative about going to see a very famous singer with my sister while we were at dinner. I smiled politely, until the relative asked why I wasn’t going. I felt too embarrassed to admit I hadn’t been asked, despite having the money, so I awkwardly made something up. FML
Anonymous
🌶️ Spicy
Nothing to be ashamed of
Today, a friend was trying to show me memes on her phone when I noticed she had a few tabs open. I told her she was draining her battery and should close them. She opened them. Two were sex toy store pages. She was so embarrassed that she kicked me out. FML
Anonymous
Grow up
Today, my son rejected a job offer because it interferes with the streaming schedule of some Twitch dirtbag. He's 19. FML
Anonymous
Out of control
Today, my grandma, who was placed in a hospice a few months ago, started to decline in health and passed away, The day before she died I thought my girlfriend was so sweet because she took a leading role in her care, just to find out she didn’t care about her at all. It was just an act to steal her pain medication. FML
Anonymous
Ringing those bells
Today, I was at the water slide with my two sisters. As we got to the top, my sister wanted me to go first. As soon as I went to go down the slide, she lamped me right in the balls from behind, and pushed me down the slide. My other sister kneed me in the same spot 5 minutes later. FML
Anonymous
Sit down, old man
Today, my husband is sulking because our daughter's first boyfriend is a rugby-playing giant he can’t scare away with the standard father's threat of a good beating unless he treats our daughter well. I married a real idiot manchild. FML
Anonymous
Germany
Touch me I'm sick
Today, I went to the doctor with some serious physical symptoms that amount to being effectively disabled. She didn’t even ask any questions or examine me before telling me it was all purely psychological. I barely managed to convince her to at least order some blood tests, as a formality. FML
Anonymous
Let me stay!
Today, I quit my job, mainly because I didn't work enough hours and thus, earn enough money. In the past, they said there isn't any other paid work they could provide. They've now added different tasks, more money, and more hours to the position. I'm helping to find a replacement for a job I would otherwise apply to. FML
Hangryko
Kitchener, Canada
As a matter of fact…
Today, my mother told me to my face that if she could do it all over again, she wouldn't have had kids. Thanks, Mum. It's not like I asked to be born. FML
Anonymous
Argentina
Double whammy
Today, my wife told me she wanted a divorce and walked out. This is two days after she informed me that she is unexpectedly pregnant. FML