Today, out of spite, my ex bought our autistic son a puppy. He's always wanted a dog and I can’t imagine how violent he will get if I tell him we can’t keep it. Since the divorce, I can barely feed us, so a dog is an expensive luxury we simply can’t afford, and my ex knows that. Pure spite. FML
Today, I was pooping in a public toilet and a kid had walked in on me. I then heard him tell his dad, "It's okay, I didn't see anything, he was fat so his chubby legs hid it." FML
Today, I was cooking dinner when I noticed a cockroach on the kitchen counter. I reflexively tried to spray it with what I had to hand, which was window cleaner, but it seems to have pissed it off and flew right at me instead. I screamed and ran out of the kitchen, leaving the roach in charge. FML
Today, I learned that my friend had parties all summer without me. I wasn't even invited once. Why ? Because I didn't send a message. My bad, I didn't know I could've have sent a message to attend parties I didn't know were happening. FML
Today, my mom is on vacation and I’m taking care of her pets. I also get to clean the entire house. No, she didn’t ask me to do that. It’s just that I had to hold my breath every time I opened the fridge, and there is no surface clean enough to actually touch, so I simply couldn’t help myself. FML
Today, I had to explain to my boss that the reason I was sobbing hysterically as she told me that I was getting a pay raise was because I was going to the vet to have my sick and dying cat put down. Good news at a bad time. FML
Today, my mom found out that paper is made from trees. She read it on a garbage truck. I then had to explain to her how it's made. FML
Today, my long-distance boyfriend of 2 years left me for another girl he’s known for 3 months, just because she’s closer. Never mind that I was the one who remained faithful to him for 2 long years, got him through the deaths of his parents, gave him money when he fell on hard times, among other things. FML
Today, I still haven't met my SO’s traditional Indian parents, even though we have been together for 3 years, they just pretend I don’t exist. Today I also found out that my SO’s mom has cancer. I'm trying to be there for him, but he keeps pushing me away. He literally said he doesn’t know about our relationship now. FML
Today, I was showing my new boyfriend around my apartment. Everything was going great until my cat decided to make his grand entrance by vomiting directly on the rug in front of him. My boyfriend paused, then said, “Well, at least he’s honest about his feelings.” FML
Today, my wife went and bought a set of fancy, expensive towels and threw all our old towels away. These new towels don't dry. I've been rubbing myself for ten minutes and I'm still wet. How did she buy expensive, broken towels? How do you make a towel that doesn't dry? FML
Today, I needed to ask my mom for something, so I went to her room without knocking and walked in on her and her boyfriend fucking. FML
Today, my fiance finally began seeing a therapist, after months of my begging him to. The therapist convinced him that he and I had "irreconcilable differences" so now he's asked for the ring back. FML
Today, I got yelled at for 10 minutes by my head of department for failing one of my students for plagiarism, because, "we can't be sure." It was my work he plagiarised, but because it's not in our system, it doesn't count. FML
Today, I found out my ex is getting married. She only left me 8 months ago. FML
Today, a customer yelled at me because I wouldn’t sell her a boneless chicken bucket with extra fries, beans, coleslaw and Pepsi. I work at Subway. FML
Today, I gave my boyfriend a handjob for the first time. Apparently, I was so bad at it that he eventually just slapped my hand away and angrily said he'd do it himself. FML
Today, I found out my brother-in-law did time last year for being a pedophile. His mommy told my spouse to tell no one that he served time. I'm the sister-in-law and no one told the sister who has young daughters. The pedo is mommy's precious boy who can't do wrong. He did this time. How dare mommy protect him like that? FML
Today, I was looking at baby photos of me with my mom. I realized that I was making a funny face in some of them, particularly when smiling. I asked my mom if that was a silly face I used to like making. She replied, "Oh, Honey no, you had Bell's Palsy until you were two." FML
Today, I ended up missing all my Zoom classes because I had the audacity to stay up all night and build an epic Minecraft fortress. And then I accidentally deleted it. FML
Today, I attended a family reunion, during which my grandma gave me "relationship advice" in front of everyone. She's been married five times, and her longest marriage lasted a whole 6 months. FML
Today, I wore a new pair of heels to an interview. Halfway through, as they were showing me around the production floor, one of my heels snapped. I was forced to finish the interview wobbling on one heel like a drunk flamingo. I wasn’t offered the job, but they did say, “You have great balance.” FML
Today, I had to deal with both ants and aunts. It was my great aunt's burial, and so I had to deal with my OTHER great aunt, who is a judgmental Karen. Later on, I tried to get a snack from the pantry. There were ants crawling everywhere, which I didn't realize until I almost ate an ant-infested pop tart. FML
Today, I decided to be productive and work from a coffee shop. Just as I was about to talk to my boss on a video conference call, the barista shouted, "Latte for Batman!" FML
Today, I kept smelling the pleasant odor of baking bread while driving around. Tonight, I realized that the smell of yeast was actually coming from a cup of moldy smoothie that got missed and left in a cup holder in the back of my car. FML
Today, after my idiot son joined the army, flew out on deployment, he then flew straight back home again after accidentally shooting himself. His squad leader said it was the most bizarre accident he’d ever seen while still being considered an accident. As I said, my son's an idiot. FML
Today, my dad bought a Bible. He's completely illiterate and is basing his religious beliefs off people on TV saying "It's in the Bible." I miss bacon and am tired of explaining to people that he's an idiot. FML
Today, I thought it would be interesting to flirt with a colleague from work via WhatsApp, I just forgot that my WhatsApp Web was open when I plugged the HDMI to the screen. The colleague is the director of the company, and 300 coworkers read the entire conversation. FML
Today, I hate the legal profession with a passion, as I just walked out of court where a lawyer, spouting incomprehensible bollocks in Latin, convinced a judge to let a developer bulldoze a children's playground and part of a forest, to build a second multi-storey car park for the shopping centre across the street. FML
Today, I mistakenly shared my picture in my office group chat, then went to dinner. No one asked me to delete it for 30 minutes, then when I got a message that I'd shared it in the wrong window, I deleted it immediately. I don't know how many people saw the picture, and my manager also is in the group in addition to my colleagues. FML
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