Today, my mom found out that paper is made from trees. She read...

By Cogibbt - Canada

Today, my mom found out that paper is made from trees. She read it on a garbage truck. I then had to explain to her how it's made. FML

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Season finale

Triage

Heartless

By poolgirl789 - United Kingdom - Bradford

Hands-on

Today, I had to feed an elderly man in the care home in which I work while he was whacking off. Our work policy states that I have to pretend not to notice. FML

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65617

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By Fwick - United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend for the last time for two years. When we got back from dinner, we sat in his truck for a little while to talk. A few minutes later, my mom comes flying out of my house screaming, "Satan is here, and he is tempting you!" That is the last memory he will have of me. FML

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88910

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By Fish - United Arab Emirates

Today, we were hanging around the pool with a couple of friends and a crush of mine. Thinking I would be able to impress her with a well performed dive of the diving board, I go up and attempt my best dive. I slip just as I jump and hit my head on the board. I had to be saved by the lifeguard. FML

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By MandieL - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I rushed over to stop my infant daughter from falling off her swing. Luckily just before she hit the ground, I woke up. Unfortunately, I woke up because I'd rolled off my bed and hit the floor. FML

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20141

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By peepeepainter - United States - Jasper

Today, I was painting cabinets for the children's area in my church. While painting, I dropped my brush and got black paint on a white part. I tried to wipe it off. Now there's a very visible smudge that looks like a penis. FML

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43261

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By Nudge23 - Australia

Today, I cleared out the messages in my voicemail. Of the 50+ messages, most were from my mother wanting to know when I'd be home. I'm 27. FML

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By Katie - United States

The Bathtub Incident

Today, my little sister took a dump in our bath tub right before we were leaving for soccer practice. When my mom found it, she blamed it on me, then made me pick it up with my bare hands. FML

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1809

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By hamster cookie - France

Today, my 6 year old son learned that if you give a mouse a cookie, he will ask for a glass of milk. But if you give a hamster a cookie, he will try to shove the whole thing in his mouth, choke, and die. FML

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By fartypants - United States - Winter Park

Today, as I finished my piano recital and took a bow, I farted into the microphone. FML

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33003

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By lonely - 22/3/2021 05:01

Can we be friends?

Today, my fiancé told me that I need to get out of house and be with my friends. I have no friends here, and my own family doesn’t ever want to go do anything either. I guess I’m not a likable person if even my fiancé is trying to get me out of his hair. FML

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747

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By Miguel Ezpeleta

Never get involved

Today, I was working for my cousin. However, two weeks ago I found out my cousin's wife was cheating on him, through lying to her best friend. I told him, and he later told her. They've apparently made up, because I got fired. FML

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1402

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By Anonymous - Belgium

Today, while shopping, my dad asked me to walk further away from him, saying I was cramping his style in front of all the chicks there. FML

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29275

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By MaydayManic - United States

Today, I finally went to my boyfriend's house to meet his family. When they were giving me a tour of the house, I noticed a Nazi flag on my boyfriend's bedroom door. FML

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41964

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By Sean - Canada - L'assomption

Today, from the balcony of my apartment, I watched helplessly as a teen came along and peed through my car's open window. FML

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By Jonoq - Canada

Stress factor 11

Today, in a 2-hour period at work, I had to talk to the cops, clean up shit and clean up vomit, yet none of these events were related. The worst part is, I work as a lifeguard and none of this is in the job description. FML

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1394

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By jessicab72 - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, I got into THE party of the year. Too bad it was the party my daughter was throwing while her father and I were out of town. FML

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43092

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By jalopenos - United Kingdom

Today, my friend had to leave work early for a funeral and on his way out I wanted to say something. All I could think of was "have fun". FML

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9728

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By Toolate

Today, after having gone off the pill a couple of weeks ago, I finally got my old friskiness back only to find part of a condom wrapper in my husband's pocket. Turns out he was impatient and went elsewhere. FML

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13531

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1318

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By Canuckster - Canada

Today, I was invited into a group chat on Skype. Everyone ignored everything I said, so I got pissed and started yelling at them. Then I realised my microphone wasn't plugged in right. FML

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10602

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By what did I do? - Australia - Sydney

Today, my ex boyfriend got into a physical fight with the guy I've been casually seeing for 9 months. Afterwards, they had a beer, a long chat, and decided this was my fault and I wasn't worth the drama. FML

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48110

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By Soph - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, during a sex ed lesson, we were given a lecture on pregnancy and abortion from the school nurse. Throughout the session she kept repeating, "Of course, Sophie knows ALL about this." The nurse happens to know that my dad's a gynaecologist. That's not what everyone else in the year thinks. FML

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47583

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By Andrew - United States

Today, I was watching TV with my grandpa, and he stopped flipping channels on a movie with a hot naked chick getting oiled down. Suddenly the remote landed on my stomach as my mom and grandma walked in. They yelled at me for being a pervert for an hour, while my grandpa sat and chuckled. FML

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41161

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By Allabouttheporn

Today, at dinner, I was talking to my parents about a movie quote. I couldn't remember what movie it was from. Then I remembered. It was a porno. FML

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7923

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By Not so much of a teachers pet - United States

Today, I got in an argument with my teacher for always comparing me to my sister that she had a few years before. After I said, "I'm not my sister so please stop comparing me to her," she responded, "Of course you're not your sister, I actually like your sister." FML

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38154

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By CurtisWogan - United States - Albany

Today, I met my mom's new business partner for the first time. I shook his hand, and introduced myself as "Lisa's daughter". I'm a guy. FML

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38869

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By Anonymous

Sounds reasonable

Today, my 70 year-old mother complained about the patio window being dirty. I asked her why she couldn't clean it, or anything else in the house for that matter. I was informed she can't clean windows because she's not left handed. FML

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1541

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I drunkenly made out with my 65 year-old married female boss. I'm a 21 year-old male intern. I have a feeling work will be awkward tomorrow. FML

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13522

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By Anonymous - United States - Silverdale

Today, I went to a restaurant and asked for vegetarian options. They told me, "We have a chicken Caesar salad, will that work?" FML

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24197

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2020 17:01

Good listener

Today, in a deep depression, on my worst night, I reached out to a lifeline. Waited an hour for the counselor to arrive, listen for a few minutes, then tell me I should, "Get my mind off of it by planning my prom, sewing a dress or painting my nails." The application clearly shows I'm an adult man. FML

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1304

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By Noname - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend to a very nice restaurant. I thought it would be a good place to pop the question. I gave the ring to the waiter and asked him to put it on her dessert plate. When she saw it she picked it up, put it down and said "no". Then she started to eat the dessert. FML

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88689

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By Anonymous - United States - Duarte

Today, as my boyfriend and I were getting hot in the bedroom, he stopped right before he entered me and said, "Knock knock!" He refused to continue until I replied, "Come in." FML

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32210

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By leogs23 - 2/3/2021 20:01

Force of habit, or just mean?

Today, my fiancée’s siblings kept calling me by her ex-boyfriend’s name. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife created a "Points Reward" system for the privilege of sex. 10 points for doing the dishes, 20 for the laundry, etc. How many points do I need before I can have sex with her? 2300. FML

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77943

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By Anonymous - United States - Memphis

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she's been cheating on me for the past two months. Apparently she thought I'd take it well, because when I yelled at her for being a heartless bitch, she stuttered "S-sike!" and tried to play it off as a prank. She's acting like we're still dating. FML

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37877

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By sadie - 13/3/2021 23:01

They're all eggheads to me

Today, my daughter once again called my boyfriend by the name of an ex-boyfriend. She always does this and she claims it’s because they’re all bald. Can she not remember their very distinct faces? FML

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623

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By addict

Today, after spending over a year getting clean and sober, I started feeling horrible withdrawal symptoms and couldn't understand why. It turns out my wife had been dosing my food with Adderall "to keep me on track" and just stopped. So much for my anniversary chip. FML

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4984

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By Lost5dollars - United States - Worcester

Today, I woke up to a bunch of missed calls from a number I didn't know. I had called an Uber in my sleep. They charged a cancellation fee. FML

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4057

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By Anonymous - Australia

Unhappy birthday

Today, my cleaner wished me a happy birthday. My family and friends forgot. FML

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1982

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185

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my husband came home, drunk and with lipstick smeared on his face. When I confronted him about it, he just slurred, "Ah don't worry babe, it ain't mine." FML

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37119

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By anon - United States

Today, I found out that the weird lump on my eye is benign. That would be great news but they aren't going to treat it at all. Now I look like I'm high all the time. FML

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Top comments

By BigSissy | 14

#7828188 - Saturday 3 August 2019 20:16

Think of all the times she explained things to you when you were young and cut her some slack

By RichardPencil | 30

#7828195 - Saturday 3 August 2019 20:58

You know how a garbage truck is made?

COMMENTS

By Ksweety_fml | 27

#7828169 - Saturday 3 August 2019 17:47

Oh, so they aren't???

By BigSissy | 14

#7828188 - Saturday 3 August 2019 20:16

Think of all the times she explained things to you when you were young and cut her some slack

By RichardPencil | 30

#7828195 - Saturday 3 August 2019 20:58

You know how a garbage truck is made?