Today, my 17 year old daughter told me she was going to bake a cake. When she finished she offered me one and it was crunchy. I asked her why and she said the recipe said to put eggs in. She put them in whole. FML

by anonymous / 03/06/2016 at 12:33am / Australia (New South Wales) / Kids

Today, I had to explain to my 27 year-old sister why a stainless steel fork isn't a good toy for my 8 month-old baby. Twice. FML

by m0m / 03/04/2016 at 9:01am / Belgium (Antwerpen) / Kids

Today, I had to use a sick day from the school I teach at. While I was off, another teacher called me mid delirium, because my students were borderline rioting over the work I left for them. I'd asked them to read a book and edit the one-page essay they've had two weeks to work on. FML

by norestforthewicked / 03/02/2016 at 3:41pm / United States / Kids

Today, I walked my girlfriend home. As I kissed her goodbye, I heard a high-pitched scream and turned just in time to see her little brother charge head-first into my nuts. All because I kissed her on the cheek. FML

by Racked / 03/01/2016 at 1:00pm / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, I helped my mom put away my baby sister's clothes. She's only a week old and has around 60 outfits. I have 4. FML

by well damn / 02/29/2016 at 5:17pm / United States (Ohio) / Kids

Today, I think my unborn child has developed a sense of humour. The little cherub is usually very calm, but must have realised that if he/she kicks me hard enough in this particular place near my bladder, I'll piss myself on the spot like a race horse. It's happened twice now. FML

by Spraylady / 02/29/2016 at 4:45pm / United Kingdom / Kids

Today, I learned that not only am I pregnant, I'm too far along for an abortion. My husband and I originally bonded over the fact that we both hate children. FML

by wellthisisbad / 02/29/2016 at 7:27am / United States (Florida) / Kids

Today, my nephew gave me a piece of gum. He's not one to share, so I was rather shocked at his kindness. After a while chewing, he admitted he gave it to me because the pack was in his pocket when he peed his pants. FML

by Joseph / 02/26/2016 at 9:52pm / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, my daughter taught me the literal meaning of "When the shit hits the fan." FML

by WhosGoingToCleanThisUp / 02/26/2016 at 2:52pm / United Kingdom / Kids

Today, I have to attend a mandatory parenting class due to a false report filed against me with CPS. My son's school play is at the same time as today's class, and I'll have to miss it so I can learn how to be a "better mom". FML

by irony / 02/25/2016 at 10:08am / United States (Kentucky) / Kids

Today, at preschool, I got to meet the mother of my daughter's best friend. She complimented mine's grades, and noted her quirkiness. I complimented her's for being congenial and being well-rounded. Later, my daughter said they are no longer besties because her mom said I called her daughter fat. FML

by Anonymous / 02/24/2016 at 3:35pm / Philippines / Kids

Today, my little cousin told me about how he never wipes his ass, because if he doesn't he doesn't need to wash his hands. FML

by 1meme129 / 02/24/2016 at 9:12am / United States (Colorado) / Kids

Today, I had to console my bawling 6-year-old son and explain that his sister was lying when she told him that when boys in our family turn 13, they turn into girls. I'm not sure who disappoints me more right now. FML

by jts / 02/20/2016 at 4:55am / United States (North Carolina) / Kids