Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. Let's just say pubes and toilet paper residue were the least of my problems. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I kissed my girlfriend for the first time. She recoiled in horror and asked if someone had taken a shit in my mouth. FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend for the first time. In an attempt to be romantic, I tried taking her panties off with my teeth. I got a mouthful of pubes stuck in my braces. FML
Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to go down on me with chewing gum in her mouth. I spent the next hour and a half getting Orbit out of my pubes. FML
Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. The words "Christ, Jeff. It's a vagina, not a burrito. CALM DOWN!" were spoken. FML
Today, I tried to be sexy by pulling down my girlfriend's panties with my teeth. I didn't expect to be faced with the mother of all shit stains and start gagging so bad I nearly puked. FML
Today, after going on a date with my girlfriend, we ended up having sex at her flat. When she took off her panties, I took a glance and saw poop stains on them. It turned me off. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I grabbed his butt to control his thrusts and got a clump of used toilet paper. FML
Today, for the very first time I got it on with my girlfriend. Unfortunately, afterwards I had a terrible tummy ache and let out a very noisy fart. I'm not sure she'll still be my girlfriend tomorrow. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob. It felt like she was skinning my dick alive with her teeth. I had to pretend to finish myself off in the bathroom and tell her it was because I didn't want her to have to swallow. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I took a walk on the beach at night. We were completely alone, so she started blowing me. It was great for the first five minutes, but she had just eaten dinner and (apparently) wasn't feeling great. I ended the night in the shower picking vomit out of my pubes. FML
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Top comments
krsimir 0
Should have used charmen toilet paper, no little white pieces left behind
frozenfreeze 5
They were the least of your problems?...Were there dragons and dead rats down there too?
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Comments (348)
ghostlilac 25
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Doesn't matter had sex? :S
RussianFox 13
OP's girlfriend should practice better hygiene down there.
TexasJosh 0
Gah... Some things just make me cringe... I'll donate a bottle of Gentleman Jack to ya, so you can attempt to drown those memories.
jokesta187 11
I'm betting she smelt great too! And don't forget the all you can eat crab dinner!
bellaxmonkeyx_fml 8
1- I take it you're a half full kind of guy/gal, no?
chum_mum 7
Since you said this, i have a feeling you don't bathe very often....
ghostlilac 25
42 - Yeah, I'd rather not soak in my own dirt, I find that to be counter-productive. Showering is better. ;)
kelley5745 3
Hahaha
ladyLALAA 29
I always have a quick shower before/after taking a bath, otherwise I feel dirty.
enonymous 9
If you need a machete, compass and map to do oral on your GF you're doing it wrong. Next time hand her shaving cream... a disposable razor and some soap.
TheStoryOfWazza 9
You'll still eat her out tho.
kateRAWR 4
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
If I were a boy and my girlfriend was like down there i think i would STOP haveing sex and break up immediately :-/ is it just me ????
mboehm88 3
Sometimes you gotta be a trooper and do your due diligence OP
Calyx_fml 22
She needs to clean that crotch lickety split!
chrisharrell23 0
Totally agree even no one else seems to. It's called personal hygiene... Ugh... I don't even want to imagine the smell.... Puked in my mouth a little... :/
I_heart_sex 1
Ewwwwwwww
RedPillSucks 33
@157. He was trying to lick and spit. Is that close enough to lickity split??
KRS_13 0
This is one of the few fmls that actually make me want to vomit. *shudder*
shinshoku13 19
Haha i know kyary pamyu pamyu... To bad u do too...
tjv3 10
That is so gross. Hope you didnt get something that Ajax can't wash off
digitaljunky 5
"she put a bag on my head.... Still counts! "
effedml 5
But WHY did OP go thru w/it anyway? He needs to set some boundaries as to what he'll put his mouth on. Yuck.
xgetxbentx 13
Unfortunately that little phrase doesn't ALWAYS apply. It can get pretty ******* gross if a girl doesn't keep her lady parts clean. Like, you probably wouldn't even want to stick a 10ft pole in some girls's snatches.
Christel239 5
Few people will understand this comment
wolfshadow 4
So he can lickety her split correctly! Too much?
iimaPrincess 4
How ironic I'm listening to that right now!(;
yupitssoph 18
312-that's not irony, that is a coincidence.
keenflow 2
8- or to get the taste out of his mouth lol. Doesn't sound like it would be too appetizing..
bigtaytay 13
.....gross.....
DrDilllonReese 12
Yeah, and for those who didn't read the fml closely (I know they're out there) thats only the start. I shudder at the thought of what was next.
slick5880 22
I bet it involved a cup.
jizzwold 21
I don't see why he didn't just have her shower first
skullcandifiedDJ 5
39- I seee where you're goin there ;) *pukes*
forest1wolf 9
This poor soul...
Ha1r1nY0S0up 15
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
39 - I bet it involved a dick. It never mentioned any ****** in the FML. 0.o
Abraa 19
My thoughts exactly. Or why she was willing to let him go down on her when her genitals were in such a state in the first place.
astew_xo 4
Worst thing I have ever heard.. You Poor thing..
pancakerocks 1
this is one of the few fmls that i actually feel really bad for op
astew_xo 4
I know me too!!
ididntdoit1980 8
It could be worse if she wiped back to front.
fugazeeb 0
243. how do u know she didn't wipe back to front?
Scarlettx7 0
Should of been like let's do it in the shower lol
randomT 3
I'm never going to unsee the image that just popped into my head
krsimir 0
Should have used charmen toilet paper, no little white pieces left behind
yahoowizard 16
And I thought that wasn't possible
twisted_cherub 14
I hate clitty litter. Cottonelle is awesome for avoiding it too.
mikeymayhem_87 15
Clitty litter?! That's a new one!! Rofl
xxmeowxx43 1
LOL.
ShadesOfBlue5 9
I've never seen a bear take so much pride in wiping its butt
shoopd 19
Clitty litter...my god. I'm writing that down somewhere!
danni218 1
Scott tp sucks it leaves stuff behind...suxs for the OP...
jideare 3
I went From feeling very sorry for OP to pissing my shorts laughing at the phrase "clitty litter" OMFG. ????
kirbeaar 19
Oh my god, clitty litter. Funniest thing I've read all day.
kirbeaar 19
Whoops, replied to the wrong comment.
maxmmoreau1 1
Shoulda told him it was that time of the month
HypnoClown 0
That's disgusting.
Zodiac666 0
She's nasty...
KiRaKaT 9
When reading this all I could hear in my head was cleveland's voice (from family guy in case someone doesn't know)
kalgon 0
I can smell it from here....
Enslaved 38
TP fuzz-balls? Blah! Lesson learned, I bet. You gotta do the scratch and sniff test beforehand.
canonite 7
Ewwww'... She gotta clean that shit up . That's nasty .......
IdfkMyUsernamexC 5
You both need to have a long talk.