Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her huge, ex-Marine father took me out back, saying he wanted to show me something. That something was a machete. He savagely buried it in a tree stump and said, "Son, if you break my daughter's heart, that'll be your dick." FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time. The first thing he did was show me a bullet, then he basically said that if I don't submit to his daughter's every whim, that bullet will end my life. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's dad. He pointed to two crossed swords above the fireplace and informed me the right one is his, and that if I ever hurt his daughter, he’ll give me a fighting chance by letting me use the left one. This guy thinks he lives in the Middle Ages or something. FML
Today, my dad met my boyfriend for the first time. He soon "casually" took a huge knife from the kitchen drawer and told my boyfriend that he's always wondered what it'd be like to stab someone. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. As I shook her father's hand, he squeezed with an ungodly amount of force, leaned in with a smile, and murmured that my balls will be the next thing he'll crush if his daughter ever complains about me. FML
Today, I finally invited my girlfriend over to meet my oddball parents. The first words out of my dad's mouth were, "So, you're the silly girl who agreed to date my dickhead son." It went downhill from there. FML
Today, my boyfriend met my parents. Within minutes, my dad managed to verbally sever his balls and reduce him to tears, "just for fun" apparently. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend’s parents for the first time. Her dad killed and skinned a goat in front of me, while staring at me the whole time. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's dad for the first time. His shirt said "D.A.D.D, Dads Against Daughters Dating, shoot the first one and word will spread". FML
Today, I introduced my boyfriend of two weeks to my parents. My dad asked me to leave the room so they could have some "guy talk". I eavesdropped, only to hear the words "sex-crazed fuck" and a threat to stick bamboo shoots under my boyfriend's fingernails if he ever hurt me. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time, and from what I'd heard he's super strict and uptight. I go in for the firm handshake after introducing myself while looking him in the eyes and I accidentally grabbed his junk. FML
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Top comments
Trembelwick 5
Ex-Marine used Slash on the wild enemy Boyfriend! It was super effective!
xii_clueless 0
Oh the joy of fatherly love ;]
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Comments (301)
metalguy95 11
Thank god my gf's dad isn't a former marine
nichelback3505 0
Id told him, u need something bigger to chop this fu kin dick off..
picturescrazy 24
This is how pretty much every father that loves his daughter reacts to her having a boyfriend. At least he cares about his daughter's well-being. Don't let him psyche you out though, that'll just prove to her father that you're a wimp that's undeserving of her anyway (:
cherryllollo 7
dads say the darndest things
Random951 12
What if the OP's name was Dick and the father was saying "If you hurt my daughter, you get a free machete"?
123crazy456 3
It could have been worse, he could have told you not to touch his daughter
j_cat187 20
Yea and if your girlfriend's father assaults you with a machete, you would have the ability to take away his freedom.
bballforward33 10
And get ur dick chopped off
CoreyC07 10
Just bring a bigger knife next time you go to your girlfriends
wlddog 14
Yeah right... That'll scare a Marine. They don't know anything about knives.
Gromky 2
I'd agree with many above, he didn't run you off, tell you not to touch her, etc. Basically, he gave you approval to date her. But don't be a prick. I'm sure he's sane enough not to use the machete on you, but there are plenty of other anonymous ways to make your life hell. This is coming from someone who has made it a habit to have to clean his .300 Win rifle when my stepdaughter brings guys home. I haven't done anything to them, nor would I, but it's a nice little reminder.
downtime 13
Hopefully they see right through your facade and laugh at you behind your back.
MissWhit27 2
Gotta love those Marines! Semper Fi