By Anonymous - 20/5/2020 14:00

You ass!

Today, my jerk of an ex messaged to apologize for dumping me two weeks ago. I took the high road and was overtly polite and friendly, hoping to end things civil. Our conversation ended when he casually mentioned he is moving in with his new girlfriend. FML

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They targeted gamers. GAMERS.

You ass!

Drained

By Mary - France

Today, after a year together, my boyfriend admitted to me that in bed I had as much an effect on him as a crossword puzzle. FML

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By Swivel - Singapore

Today, after a spate of bad ones, I was in another job interview trying my hardest to give a good impression. After answering a few questions, I realized to my horror that while I was talking I was swiveling my chair from left to right like a nervous child. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Herkenbosch

Today, I tried coming on to my fiancé. He just pushed me off and got out of bed, saying he wasn't in the mood. A half hour later, I caught him jerking off to several windows of porn. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got reverse suspended for correcting my teacher. Now my mom has to go to all my high school classes with me for a week. FML

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By rkl2010 - United States

Today, when I went to pick up my daughter from preschool, I found out she'd "accidentally" tried to flush her clothes down the toilet while going to the bathroom. FML

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By slavelaborsux - United States

Today, it was my first day on the job as a first grade teacher. One student pushed another, so I asked him to apologize. His response? "If you boss me around, I'll tell Daddy you touched me somewhere you shouldn't have." I think I'm now this kid's slave. FML

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By Renagirl - United States - East Hartford

Today, the guy I love asked me if hooking up counted as dating, because he thinks I'm "super hot," but he doesn't want "all the relationship shit." FML

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By WellOops

Today, my boyfriend crashed his car while I was giving him road head. FML

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By Kathryn - Belgium

Today, I was driving my twin daughters to school, when I accidentally honked my horn. I told them it was an accident. One of my kids said she already knew, because I didn't yell "asshole" afterwards. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went to a movie with my boyfriend. In the lobby, I asked why the glasses were not working. I said, "Do they only work inside the theater?" My boyfriend replied, "3-D glasses just work inside the movie, everything else in the World is pretty much 3-D." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my dad thought it would be funny to spray my open window with the hose. RIP my laptop, phone, school books, wooden desk, my entire bookshelf, and my carpet. FML

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By noname - United States

Today, I went on Facebook to find that my little brother had messed with my profile. He wrote on my status that I'm a piece of shit, I have no life, and several other nasty and perverted things. Underneath, it said 26 of my friends liked this. I'm new to Facebook. So far I have 26 friends. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered my sister has a crystal meth problem when she set fire to our house. FML

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By Sleepy - United States - Apo

Today, the phone kept ringing so I picked it up and answered. When there was no response, it took a minute to realize that I was still in bed and talking to my hand. FML

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By Kerkie - United States - North Kingstown

Today, my 12-year-old stepchild told me he’s been deliberately wetting - and sometimes crapping - the bed because he’s too lazy to get up and knows it’s someone else’s problem to clean up after him. It’s been going on for years. FML

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By "Audrey Harmon"

Today, my sister tackled me by the leg in a game of frisbee. I now know the unique sensation of a knee dislocating. It is not a beautiful one. FML

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By it's v - United States - Denver

Today, after my flight arrived late, I ran 60 gates to get my connecting flight. I sprinted up to the gate agent, completely out of breath, and he looked at me, shut the door, and said, “The door is shut. You’re too late.” FML

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By sadface - Australia

Today, I pulled a hamstring by taking a dump. FML

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By McKenna - United States

Today, I was sending my boyfriend dirty texts to try and turn him on so when I see him the next day he will want to get intimate. Twenty minutes later he texts back, "ew stop." FML

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By Jessica - Romania

Today, at 21 years of age, my doctor confirmed that I am, indeed, going bald. It wouldn't be such a bad thing, even expected, if I wasn't a woman. FML

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By angelamegan21 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, I burned my left breast with hot oil at work. Everyone's now calling me "toaster strudel" and singing "This girl is on fire" every time we cross paths. FML

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By Frank - United States

Today, I came home from work tired and horny, and asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go make love. While all she had done all day is lay on the couch and watch television, she said, "I'm too tired, why don't you just go into the bathroom and grab a quick wank." FML

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By unsuspcted - United States

Today, my son told me to grow a pair and ask my girlfriend of a year and a half to marry me. He is 7 years old. FML

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By well SHIT - United States - Little Elm

Today, while having a sneak through my brother's browser, I found a bookmark for a Google Docs file. It was a short story involving him horrifically killing our entire family. It ended with the words: "And that is what happens when people don't respect the author's privacy." FML

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By Lovesucks - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Is she better than me?

Today, I found out my boyfriend, who is buying me a ring for my birthday is buying my best friend a ring that cost 10 times more than mine. FML

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By lovelikewoe - United States

Today, I made my mom a mix CD for her car. It took me ages to find just the right songs that would be perfect for her. When I played it for her in the car, she took it out and threw it out of the window. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oceanside

Today, as usual, I'm stuck working in a brutally hostile work environment under my mother-in-law, who's never forgiven me for marrying her daughter. I only got the job because of family politics. Four months on, I still can't even land so much as a single interview elsewhere. FML

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By wetsheets - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my partner was inspired by 50 Shades Of Grey to try making me orgasm with a full bladder, therefore intensifying the experience. He was right, it was mind blowing. It also made me piss the bed for the first time in twenty-odd years. FML

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By neveragain - United Kingdom - Byfleet

Today, I ended up in the ER because I ruptured a testicle by accidentally sitting on it. Last time I ever go commando. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I couldn't sleep. I had to pee really badly but I'm terrified of the dark, so I closed my eyes all the way to the bathroom. On the way, I tripped over my dog and fell face-first into the door frame. He then humped me as my nose bled all over the floor. FML

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By Mo. - 3/10/2020 01:13 - United States

Rock and a hard place

Today, I found out my postpartum pain is indeed because of a cyst. No, my doctors can’t drain it and relive the pain because of scar tissue. And yes, it hurts around my lady bits and in my butthole, because the cyst wraps around everything. It’s either wait it out in extreme pain or surgery. FML

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By TIlly - 23/2/2021 14:01

Sharkeisha, no

Today, after seeing an old viral video on YouTube, my boyfriend started calling me Sharkeisha. Our friends thought he was implying that I'm violent with him. FML

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By AdriftInTheSeaOfPaperwork - Germany - Dachau

Today, after waiting well over a month for a work visa in Germany that should only have taken 3 weeks to come through, I finally received my long-awaited answer. Unfortunately, that answer was "We lost your paperwork." FML

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By ReComatosed242 - Bahamas - Eleuthera

Today, my co-worker and I got into an argument. It ended with him threatening me to roll my balls with a paint roller until they looked like "fresh, popping doughs". FML

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By Yo mom - United States

Today, I was screaming at my neighbor to shut his dog up. After 30 minutes of bellowing, he yelled back that it was my dog that was barking. He was right. FML

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By Jdub - United States

Today, I went to a real Japanese restaurant with my sister and mom, where you had to take off your shoes and sit on the floor. After the meal, I realized my shoes were no longer where I put them. For the seven years the restaurant has been open, I'm the first person to get their shoes stolen. FML

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By Unluggee - United Kingdom

Today, at a party, my three friends and I thought it would be fun to urinate in a jug. We dislike the neighbours, so decided to throw the contents of the jug over the fence into their garden. It hit a tree and splashed back. I ended up covered in our piss. FML

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By Katherine - United States

Today, I was talking to a friend about how many germs live on the average cell phone. My five year old son apparently overheard me talking, and decided to give my cell phone a bath. FML

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By Meh - United States - Bothell

Today, I found out that my roommate has a good voice, because he loudly sings Korean love songs at one in the morning. FML

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By astraboy - Australia

Today, I spent 3 hours making a birthday card for my boyfriend, delicately cutting each letter out of printed coloured paper. He used it as a coffee coaster. FML

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Top comments

By Jonkbaby | 19

#7907550 - Wednesday 20 May 2020 15:06

In my opinion, it sounds like you dodged a bullet there

By Roxy Rousseau | 11

#7907558 - Wednesday 20 May 2020 15:38

Yikes, either you weren’t the main girlfriend, or their relationship is moving way to fast it’s sending warning signs.

COMMENTS

By Jonkbaby | 19

#7907550 - Wednesday 20 May 2020 15:06

In my opinion, it sounds like you dodged a bullet there

By Roxy Rousseau | 11

#7907558 - Wednesday 20 May 2020 15:38

Yikes, either you weren’t the main girlfriend, or their relationship is moving way to fast it’s sending warning signs.

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7907573 - Wednesday 20 May 2020 16:49

You're too good for him. Good for you.

By lifeis4me | 20

#7907628 - Wednesday 20 May 2020 20:19

Sounds like he has some issues if he’s messaging an ex about moving in with his new girlfriend.

By Gina Marie Lombardi | 11

#7907651 - Wednesday 20 May 2020 22:39

You should of blocked his number when he broke up with you

By sickerthanyou | 13

#7908516 - Sunday 24 May 2020 19:47

And that’s why it’s never a good idea to be polite and civil with an ex