Today, I volunteered at a nursing home. I approached a lonely, old man who had a type of nervous tick. I went over to speak to him, and not even four sentences into our conversation he says, "I'd really like to make love to you." What I thought was a tick was actually him stroking himself. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was walking down the street and I saw an old man, and me feeling nice I asked him if I could help him cross the street. He responded with: "Only if you let me touch your tits." FML
Today, my husband and I were fooling around in the shower. For some reason, I thought it'd be a good idea to grab his man meat and show him how to wash someone at a nursing home. He said he'd never be turned on by a nurse again. I'm a nurse. FML
Today, I was talking to an old man I met at a store. He just wanted to know a few things, and he asked about my day. I explained a few bad things that'd happened, then I thanked him for listening. He then asked, "So, how are we gonna do this?" He thought we were gonna fuck. FML
Today, I had to feed an elderly man in the care home in which I work while he was whacking off. Our work policy states that I have to pretend not to notice. FML
Today, I helped an old man with his groceries, because he was struggling and he had a cane. After, I was nice enough to drive him home. He went to thank me by giving me a kiss on the cheek. Then he stuck his tongue out, and tried to French kiss me. FML
Today, I was giving a quiet man a haircut. I saw his hand moving repeatedly under the cover, and I knew he was masturbating. I was alone and it was late, so I punched him in the dick as hard as I could, then ran for my pepper spray. Turns out he just has a nervous tic. FML
Today, working as a nurse, I asked a 61-year-old patient if he did any physical activity. His reply was, "Well, I do masturbate a lot". He then went on to describe the various techniques he uses. FML
Today, I visited my sick grandpa for a few hours in the hospital. His roommate, also an elderly man, wouldn't stop masturbating. FML
Today, while jogging in the park, a confused elderly gentleman asked me for directions, so I told him how to get to where he needed to go. He paused for a long moment, then asked me if he could eat me out. FML
Today, at work at a grocery store an old couple came through my checkout lane. As I was putting their bagged groceries in the cart, the old man started feeling me up. FML
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Top comments
altkat 3
At least you have the satisfaction of knowing that creepy old men have the hots for you. Congratulations.
crazy_cat_lady 0
Haha something similar happened to me! I was working for a podiatrist that visits nursing homes, and I had to kneel down on the floor to take off a patient's shoes and socks. I heard the patient breathing harder and harder, so I stood up, afraid that he was having a heart attack or a stroke or something. Then I saw his hard on, and realized he had just been staring down my scrub top. Old men are so perverted!
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Comments (98)
ilovefml99 0
wow thats disturbing
foolishwolf 0
******* eww
neonoodle 0
#36 Is Alzheimer's the new excuse to be yourself?
Bear_Sandwich 0
Old people are freakin' bat shit. ew...
itsgabriellee 4
I've never heard bat shit used as an adjective. But okay..?
Gringo_fml 0
Hah Legend.
greennailpolish 0
ahhhh. haha. wow. well hey, at least it makes a good story? though creepy.
wordgirl 0
It's nice to be appreciated. :p
captainfailure 0
nice, if it were me (even tho im a guy) i would be flattered.
ah_haha 0
yucko = who said she deserved this? That's terrible... and yet funny, lol
DeathByIrony90 0
hahaha this is like an FML earlier where a guy was working as a cashier, an old lady gave him a tip by taking a quarter and putting it down his pants stroked a bit, and winked. Ge was like "omg I got groped by a grandma!" So that might put things in perspective; you didn't actually get physically violated...