Intimacy: Today, whilst reading all 15 pages of this site, my French girlfriend...

By james - United Kingdom

Today, whilst reading all 15 pages of this site, my French girlfriend asked me over my shoulder for translations, such as "What is buttsex?", "What is wanking?", and "What means farted?" FML

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Intimacy

There's no helping some people

Dangling modifier

Coherence dude, do you have it?

By zAstonish - Singapore - Singapore

Porn, comment

Today, I realized that my brother is one of those people who comment on porn. I found out about it because he commented on my video. FML

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By coco1234 - 9/3/2020 12:35

Brain melt

Today, I stood there for 10 minutes trying to fix the toaster, until I called my brother to help me. I'd forgotten that it wasn't plugged in. He now thinks I'm a complete idiot. FML

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By epictothemax - United States

Today, I went home for my grandma's 95th birthday. While there she noticed my new tongue piercing and asked why I would get it done. Before I could reply, my cousin says "So she can can make the boys happier when she's sucking on them." She's 9 years old. FML

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By Sdutent - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend if she has ever had an affair. She replied, "Yes. With you". FML

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By anonymous

Today, after almost a year of having threesomes with my “best friend” and her husband, they both confessed that neither of them actually even like me. They just went along with it because they thought it’s what the other wanted. Now they won’t even talk to me. FML

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By Shrimpy

Today my girlfriend and her 3 friends walked in on me doing a solo performance on myself. They stood their quietly and videoed it unknown to me. And then afterwards laughed and made fun of how small I am. And to make it worse forwarded the video to everyone. Now everyone calls me shrimp. FML

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By ava_henryy - United States - Moses Lake

Today, I had to be rushed to the hospital when I started sneezing uncontrollably and got a huge rash. It turns out I'm highly allergic to a chemical in most cleaning supplies. Great. I just got a job as a house cleaner for a very rich family. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while emailing my very young, attractive teacher to ask a question, my hand slipped. Too bad you can't unsend emails that say "Can we meet after school some time? I have some thongs I'd like to discuss with you." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it took me and my husband three hours to put our new book shelves together. It took our cat all of three seconds to knock it all down. FML

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By 5220 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were driving back to college. He broke up with me 2 hours into the 3 hour drive. I had to sit in the car with him for the last hour. FML

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By OhNo. - United States

Today, I had a job interview, but I arrived kind of late. I was in so much of a hurry that I hit a woman walking by in the face with the door. I offered to drive her to the hospital. Turns out that she was going to be interviewing me. She didn't offer to reschedule. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2020 08:00

Frustrated

Today, after 10-plus years of marriage, my husband still gets off after 5 minutes. I find myself just wanting to just go down on him, instead of being unsatisfied right when I start to get into it myself. FML

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By Nancy

Today, I sat on an elevator for 10 minutes thinking I was stuck. After waiting awhile I looked at the screen to see what floor I was stuck on, only to realize I hadn't pressed a button so I had just stayed on the ground floor. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, after a very heartfelt conversation with my mother, I promised her that I'd quit smoking. I walked in on her smoking my cigarettes an hour later. Her excuse was that she didn't want my money to have gone to waste. FML

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By notakeeper - United States - Orlando

Today, my boyfriend wrote me a long poem that ended with, "Please don't get another mister / I regret I screwed your sister". FML

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By artsmart1 - United States

Today, I went to go see a specialist for my prostate and was told he would have to do an exam before I could leave. Having had this checked just the previous year, I was more than a little irritated. As I was bent over the table the Dr. said, "Now, just pretend I'm Angelina Jolie." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad at a tennis game. I could tell he despised me from the start, but it only got worse when I played him. He smashed the ball at me and I went to hit it, but I missed and fell over, tearing my arm up on the gravel. He had a smirk on his face for the rest of the day. FML

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By Bloop - United States - Ayer

Today, my girlfriend changed our cable subscription to include MTV. This made us lose the only channel I care about: HBO. Goodbye Game of Thrones, hello Teen Mom. FML

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By karmas a kunt - United States

Today, I was at work, when an elderly lady casually mentioned it was her birthday. I motioned two of my coworkers over, and we sang a little happy birthday to her over the phone. Our boss stormed in mid-song and suspended all three of us on the spot for "unprofessional behavior." FML

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By BaconGirl

Today, it has been my lifelong dream to work with animals. My dream sorta came true. I now work at the slaughterhouse. FML

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By K - United States

Today, I got a second notice from the mailman that my mail would not be delivered because of the pile of ice a plow had pushed in front of my mailbox. After getting the first notice, I'd spent an hour in the cold busting up the ice with a pick to clear a path. He put both notices in my mailbox. FML

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By Ama_544347571 - Sierra Leone

Today, a customer came to my shop and asked our shop assistant if we had Smart TVs. She replied, "No we only have LG and Samsung." FML

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By Sirah90 - United States

Today, my nose started running while in bed with my boyfriend. I kept trying to wipe it off with my arm to avoid ruining the moment. My boyfriend then looks up at me in horror. Turns out it wasn't mucus; it was blood. And it was all over his neck, his shirt, and his silk sheets. FML

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By CARnage - Australia

Today, I hadn't been out in two weeks, and I was looking forward to going to the beach with my friends. Instead, I rear-ended someone at a roundabout and had to go home. FML

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By hatestomove - United States

Today, I fell down the stairs carrying a huge TV. Don't worry, my body cushioned the TV's fall. FML

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By ManInTrouble - United States

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend of a year and a half on the beach. Everything was fine until she saw a plane with a banner behind it saying "Cassie, will you marry me?" She said yes. I didn't order a plane. FML

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By DumbassRoaster - United States - Fairview

Today, I was woken up by my dad and my dog barking at each other, and my dad yelling, "I am the Alpha male!" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while at work, I was trying to locate the source of the really bad BO wafting around, when I realized I'd forgotten to put on deodorant this morning. I have 5 hours of shame left to go. FML

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By YoshiSqu4d

Today, my father told me I was becoming violent because of the video games I play. I was playing Minecraft. FML

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By nicolo - United States

Today, I got my tax return. I was really excited. Turns out the government does take the time to send out a tax return for $1.36. FML

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By WhyM3Th0ugh - United States - Sunnyside

Today, one of my idiot classmates decided it was a good idea to throw his water bottle across the room to his friend. Unfortunately, I was sitting in front of his friend. I now have a very noticeable bruise and bump near my temple along with a headache. Everybody laughed at me. Even the teacher. FML

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By DaggerHole - Australia

Today, I learned the worst part about being dared to shave your ass hair: Stubble. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2020 23:00

Zedonging intensifies

Today, I went downstairs to complain to my landlady that there was no water when I was trying to wash my hair. To which she replied, "No, of course there is water, it's just all going into my swimming pool." FML

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By Poor as fuck

With friends like these…

Today, I stayed with a friend because I was recently kicked out of my home and had nowhere to go. When I went out for job applications, she asked, "Can you pick me up a pack of smokes?" and then got mad that I didn't have the money, calling me selfish. FML

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By Anonymous

Birthday Boy

Today, it's my 16th birthday. It's also it is the day my parents scheduled my wisdom teeth to be pulled out. Happy birthday to me, then. FML

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By bankergirl - United States

Today, I got called into work and I was really excited to earn some extra money. One block from getting there I get pulled over. Apparently my tags were expired, and there goes half a weeks pay. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that my dog, who's 11, eats his own shit, and chews bones like crazy still has 10 times nicer teeth than I do. FML

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By Bontempi - France

Today, I returned home to my parents' house, drunk. Hungry, I grabbed a slice of bread and some butter and took two mouthfuls. Five hours later, my mother woke me up and dragged me to the kitchen. In the middle of the table was a buttered, half-eaten sponge. FML

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By Jake - Australia

Today, as I was taking an evening jog around my neighbourhood, I passed an elderly woman. I grinned at her as sign of friendliness to a common pedestrian. She grinned back. Whilst staring at my crotch. FML

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By Oliver Beck - 17/10/2020 08:03

Time just flies by

Today, I found out the girl I like is in love with someone else. Five weeks ago, she told me she's never been in love. FML

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Top comments

By Eladar | 0

#63982 - Saturday 28 March 2009 3:10

when she asked what buttsex was... you should have been like "i'll show you"

By nuclear | 0

#210759 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 7:37

whoa, whoa, whoa. you read ALL 15 pages of this site while you were hanging out with your girlfriend? Instead of doing something else.. more productive?
FYL! Nah, more like FHL. That must have been boring since she couldn't really understand :P

COMMENTS

By Eladar | 0

#63982 - Saturday 28 March 2009 3:10

when she asked what buttsex was... you should have been like "i'll show you"

chippa | 24

#438093 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 22:33

Hahahah, Eladar, winnnn.

thecman25 | 14

#6156689 - Sunday 28 December 2014 22:55

Dumbass of 2014 goes tooooo.............................

reader5567 | 19

#6212343 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 13:20

I live for this comment.

By xMooMoox | 0

#68466 - Monday 30 March 2009 0:47

Lol since when does "fart" have to do with interesting conversations! That made me laugh so did #4!

kathira120 | 3

#1424002 - Saturday 18 September 2010 21:13

your profile pic is gorgeous! cute dog. :3
anyway OP I'm really sorry haha that's awkward

nellieelectron | 0

#3441464 - Sunday 16 October 2011 19:18

kathira120, I want your last name. Hell, I want your life you lucky liverpool girl!!! BEATLES FOR THE WIN.

By lostguy | 0

#101976 - Saturday 11 April 2009 14:16

#4 is win!!

By 24788 | 6

#161714 - Saturday 2 May 2009 8:25

Lol, just say you don't want to know.

By monkeyz0r | 0

#177587 - Thursday 7 May 2009 21:07

what means farted? hahaha

By nuclear | 0

#210759 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 7:37

Unfunktional | 0

#975098 - Tuesday 6 April 2010 8:19

I would FYL...

IPityTheFool | 0

#988770 - Thursday 6 May 2010 5:00

I would just fuck her, not her life

cindayy77 | 0

#2268086 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 19:42

^ your pic is a win xD

By Peachoune_fml | 0

#256777 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 0:39

I'm French too, I just didn't understand "wank". ^^ On apprend plein de vocabulaire intéressant... =)

brie3 | 0

#378048 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 7:56

So true. English slang is frickin' weird...

RedheadCutiee | 0

#1070152 - Wednesday 7 July 2010 6:19

Je peux parler français aussi! :) Juste pensé que je partagerais ça.

MadameLaura | 2

#1340095 - Thursday 2 September 2010 23:08

ca veut dire masturber. et wanker c'est branleur.

ItsJustMe17 | 9

#1795735 - Sunday 5 December 2010 5:55

What the crap.... yea I'm american. I have NO idea what u just said.... and I grew up with American slang so it makes sense to me, just like what you grew up with makes sense to you