Today, whilst reading all 15 pages of this site, my French girlfriend...

By james - 14/12/2008 13:14 - United Kingdom

Today, whilst reading all 15 pages of this site, my French girlfriend asked me over my shoulder for translations, such as "What is buttsex?", "What is wanking?", and "What means farted?" FML

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Intimacy

Rock, hard place

Crowded House

Or he's just becoming an old goober

By Becoming a commuter. - 4/9/2012 17:14 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I moved into college and met my new roommate. Not fifteen minutes later, she had told me about the fungus on her feet, and what happens when she forgets to take her anti-psychotic medication, all while picking at her nose and eating the spoils. FML

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By lonelyinlondon - 21/8/2009 02:06 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend threw me a going-away party. During the party, I caught him in my bedroom hooking up with my friend because "you're leaving soon anyway so it doesn't matter." I'll only be gone for 6 weeks. FML

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By Can’t Cope - 19/11/2017 19:00

Today my fiancé is going to Planned Parenthood to see if he got herpes from a prostitute. FML

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By rongo12 - 11/5/2012 21:41

Today, I was heading to the bathroom when I clearly saw a little boy walking into my bedroom. My wife and I live alone, and I screamed at the top of my lungs, thinking he was a ghost. Turns out my wife collected him from school for a friend, and I just didn't hear them arrive. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2009 03:42 - United States

Today, my roommate revealed that the reason he's so grumpy is because he hasn't gotten laid in a year. I'm his only female friend, and the entire time he talked to me, he stared at my chest. FML

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By - 6/1/2017 06:54

Today, I inadvertently gave passers by the middle finger as I tried to stop my glasses from sliding off my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2018 05:00

Today, my daughter told me her tummy hurt, but I assumed she was lying because she hates visiting grandma. About 20 minutes into the car ride, she got excited and said, "Mum my tummy doesn’t hurt anymore!" About 10 seconds later the smell filled the car right up to the roof. It was diarrhoea. FML

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By gingerbread - 18/12/2017 18:00 - Armenia - Yerevan

Today, I got a little too drunk at my best friend's birthday party and threw up in the pub bathroom. I wiped everything up, composed myself, and went back to the party table before promptly throwing up on myself in front of the whole pub. FML

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By why me?? - 7/8/2013 04:21 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was leaving my friends' apartment in my mom's car and I backed into a fire hydrant. I lied and told my mom it was a hit and run. So she called the apartment complex. They had me on video hitting the fire hydrant. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2013 09:11 - United States - Sanford

Today, I was visiting my cousin's farm. Going out for a morning stroll, I took an apple with me to munch along the way. As I was eating it, I heard a distant thumping sound and was suddenly slammed into the ground. When I looked up, a horse was eating my apple. I got mugged by a horse. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2013 06:11 - United States - Des Moines

Today, I found out that my parents spent all of the money in my college fund to pay for my cat to be flown to LA and audition for a movie. FML

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By BroadcitySF - 28/2/2016 03:42 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was mugged while changing my tampon. The mugger took everything, including the fresh tampon. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2009 00:45 - United States

Today, I got a call from my daughter's pre-school. Apparently, she is being suspended, for answering; "What do your parents do at home?" She told them, "My parents fuck." FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2013 05:39 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, at my 6-year-old son's birthday party, I had to explain to my boyfriend that it's not okay to use condoms as party balloons. FML

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By 464424 - 5/5/2012 06:24 - United States - Dayton

Today, my little sister came to me crying about how everyone calls her a bad driver. I gave her a pep talk, an encouraging hug, and told her not to listen to negativity. Five minutes later she wrecked my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2012 10:42 - Australia

Today, I was mugged. Not for a laptop, cell phone or money, but for the cupcake I was eating. FML

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By scammerssuck - 11/8/2012 09:13 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my girlfriend received a scam email about her great uncle dying and leaving her money. She not only believed it, but she also used my credit card details for it. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2019 14:00 - United Kingdom - Bradford

Today, I got run over. Not by a car, but by a lady in a wheelchair. Am I really that invisible? FML

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By untitledentity - 24/5/2009 16:03 - United States

Today, I decided to use my mentor's advice. I told her I had been having some trouble controlling my anger, she told me to throw rocks at trees. I threw a rock at a tree, very hard. It bounced back hit me above the eye. I'm still pissed as shit. FML

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By Christian - 28/9/2013 15:21 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. We are on a cruise together. She has already found another room to sleep in. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2015 21:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was driving down a completely empty street when a cop pulled me over for no reason at all. When he approached my window, I began to get defensive until he informed me I was driving the wrong way down a one way street. FML

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By anxious spaghetti - 3/12/2017 15:00

Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend over text. We wore each others' hats, so I gave his back and asked for mine. He “accidentally” burned it. FML

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By I'maboutobarf - 31/1/2013 10:28 - Australia

Today, my mum got a new blender. Dinner was roast beef, broccoli, cauliflower, pumpkin, potatoes and water. In a cup. FML

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By sciencesadness - 8/2/2014 23:24 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, a robin flew into my window and died. My mom, being a biology teacher, thought it would be a great experience for my brother and me to dissect it on the kitchen table. She threatened to ground us if we didn't do it. FML

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By MarBlu - 23/1/2014 12:53 - United States

Today, I came home from the army and explained to my family how tough it was there. Then, as I was walking away, I stubbed my toe on the couch, fell and cried. FML

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By SymmetricalPizzaFace - 7/9/2014 04:52 - United States - Westminster

Today, my hormones decided to make my pimples appear symmetrically on my face around my nose and mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2010 23:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided that he needed some time alone for a few weeks. This break just so happens to include our one year anniversary, Christmas, New Year's, and my birthday. Now I get to spend the next three weeks alone. FML

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By Dasani - 16/2/2009 23:57 - United States

Today, I was complaining to my mom about how my sister looked like a barbie doll next to me. I was saying how she was so tan and her hair looked awesome next to mine. She paused for a while and then said "Well you're pretty on the inside." FML

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By me - 12/3/2012 02:49 - United States

Today, a guy came by my house and demanded my fiancé come out and fight. He explained that my fiancé had been stupid enough to not only troll on a local interest forum, but to leave his name and our address, inviting people to "come shut me up if you think you're tough enough." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2013 07:32 - Canada - Campbell River

Today, I was running late for work and quickly grabbed my outfit from the dryer. I heard the crackling of static as I took out my shirt. I didn't think anything of it, until later when my co-worker pointed out I had a thong stuck to my back. FML

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By Crippled - 27/12/2010 05:35 - United States

Today, my parents bought me an alarm clock that runs away from you while beeping obnoxiously when you hit snooze. I just had ankle surgery and am unable to walk. FML

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By Username - 6/9/2011 02:38 - United States

Today, I was so starved of human contact that I almost took up a transsexual hooker's offer of a "good time." Nothing wrong with that really, but they looked like a haunted tree dressed as Liza Minnelli. FML

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By Ann - 18/6/2009 19:40 - United States

Today, I went to the store to buy some groceries. While I was at the store, an employee came up to me and said, "You're beautiful!" When I came home I told my husband what had just happened. My husband then asked, "What was wrong with him?" FML

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By Fail - 21/11/2009 05:59 - United States

Today, I thought I'd surprise my girlfriend with a bear hug. I found her in the hall with her back to me talking to friends. As I walked up behind her and was about to wrap my arms around her, she said, "so does anyone have any ideas about how I should break it off with my boyfriend?" FML

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By Notabum - 31/8/2009 04:30 - United States

Today, I received official notification that my license was being suspended for multiple DUIs. Apparently, my brother is a drunk and has been using my ID. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2012 02:26 - United States

Today, I found out that my parents changed the code on our alarm system while they were out of town. The police could not verify I was their son, despite spending hours trying to get hold of them. They thought it was just another telemarketer. FML

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By anon - 15/10/2012 19:00 - United States - Poquoson

Today, the power went out at school. If it's out for more than twenty minutes, standard procedure is to let us go home. They came back on almost nineteen minutes later. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2014 11:40 - Australia - Applecross

Today, my daughter asked me how long she had to put her 2-minute noodles in the microwave for. FML

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By effingdoucher - 30/1/2011 06:07 - United States

Today, I was having sex with a guy I met at my friend's party. He stopped mid-thrust, climbed off, and started talking about how nervous he is about buying his first car next week. FML

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By oneiPodlighter - 10/10/2013 03:03 - United States - Conshohocken

Today, my "friend" came over. I caught him trying to steal my iPod on the way out. Proud of myself for catching him, I asked him to leave, only to realize that I had forgotten to actually take the iPod back from him before he left. FML

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Top comments

By Eladar | 0

#63982 - Saturday 28 March 2009 3:10

when she asked what buttsex was... you should have been like "i'll show you"

By nuclear | 0

#210759 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 7:37

whoa, whoa, whoa. you read ALL 15 pages of this site while you were hanging out with your girlfriend? Instead of doing something else.. more productive?
FYL! Nah, more like FHL. That must have been boring since she couldn't really understand :P

Comments

By Eladar | 0

#63982 - Saturday 28 March 2009 3:10

when she asked what buttsex was... you should have been like "i'll show you"

chippa | 24

#438093 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 22:33

Hahahah, Eladar, winnnn.

thecman25 | 14

#6156689 - Sunday 28 December 2015 22:55

Dumbass of 2014 goes tooooo.............................

reader5567 | 19

#6212343 - Tuesday 24 February 2015 13:20

I live for this comment.

By xMooMoox | 0

#68466 - Monday 30 March 2009 0:47

Lol since when does "fart" have to do with interesting conversations! That made me laugh so did #4!

kathira120 | 3

#1424002 - Saturday 18 September 2010 21:13

your profile pic is gorgeous! cute dog. :3
anyway OP I'm really sorry haha that's awkward

nellieelectron | 0

#3441464 - Sunday 16 October 2011 19:18

kathira120, I want your last name. Hell, I want your life you lucky liverpool girl!!! BEATLES FOR THE WIN.

By lostguy | 0

#101976 - Saturday 11 April 2009 14:16

#4 is win!!

By 24788 | 6

#161714 - Saturday 2 May 2009 8:25

Lol, just say you don't want to know.

By monkeyz0r | 0

#177587 - Thursday 7 May 2009 21:07

what means farted? hahaha

By nuclear | 0

#210759 - Tuesday 19 May 2009 7:37

Unfunktional | 0

#975098 - Tuesday 6 April 2010 8:19

I would FYL...

IPityTheFool | 0

#988770 - Thursday 6 May 2010 5:00

I would just fuck her, not her life

cindayy77 | 0

#2268086 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 19:42

^ your pic is a win xD

By Peachoune_fml | 0

#256777 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 0:39

I'm French too, I just didn't understand "wank". ^^ On apprend plein de vocabulaire intéressant... =)

brie3 | 0

#378048 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 7:56

So true. English slang is frickin' weird...

RedheadCutiee | 0

#1070152 - Wednesday 7 July 2010 6:19

Je peux parler français aussi! :) Juste pensé que je partagerais ça.

MadameLaura | 2

#1340095 - Thursday 2 September 2010 23:08

ca veut dire masturber. et wanker c'est branleur.

ItsJustMe17 | 9

#1795735 - Sunday 5 December 2010 5:55

What the crap.... yea I'm american. I have NO idea what u just said.... and I grew up with American slang so it makes sense to me, just like what you grew up with makes sense to you