Today, whilst making a cake for my kids, I accidentally got some...

By Evjoel - 28/6/2016 10:34 - Bermuda - Hamilton

Today, whilst making a cake for my kids, I accidentally got some cocoa powder in my nose. Now it feels like my nose is burning stronger than the fires of hell. On the bright side, everything smells like chocolate. FML

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By fatti11 - 14/1/2017 18:00

Today, during an argument that he couldn't win, my boyfriend farted in a glass, covered it with his hand, ran to me, and let it go it right in front of my nose. FML

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By EyesOffMe - 7/9/2009 04:04 - Canada

Today, I was getting changed in front of my room mate of two years. Feeling comfortable, I took off all my clothes and started putting new clothes on. I asked why she wasn't taking her eyes off my naked body. She said "I'm loving the view. Didn't you know I'm a lesbian?" FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2013 01:57 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I have to defend my client in court. The defense that my client wants me to use is, "It's not a robbery if you have swag" and then goes on saying, "The judge is bound to let me go after he sees my swag." FML

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By alainopotato - 2/1/2017 11:03 - United States - San Diego

Today, I woke up in a bathtub, completely soaked and covered in both mine and someone else's puke. Happy New Year. FML

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By FunGhoost - 20/2/2015 13:35 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to a phone with most of my female contacts missing. I think I'm dating a psycho. FML

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By yblamemebiatch - 16/3/2016 10:56 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found out a colleague spread lies about me because she somehow thinks I'm to blame for the hot guy at work not wanting to date her. Perhaps she should blame his fiancé. FML

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By midwesternpetclerk - 9/11/2011 04:06 - United States

Today, I got yelled at by my boss for being insensitive to a customer. I'd told her I never heard of the requested item even existing. She walked off shouting, screaming and throwing stuff from the shelf. She wanted to order a bird feeder with heated perches so the bird's feet won't get cold. FML

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By Godwhy - 17/9/2018 14:00

Today, I found out my boyfriend of 7 years has been cheating on me with my friend's 18-year-old sister, took her on the vacation we planned, and will be starting with my company next week. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2015 22:22 - United States - Saint Peters

Today, I finally stood up to the guy who's been bullying me for the last 2 years. Even though he's been caught in the act several times, he never gets punished, so I figured I'd get away with gut-punching him. Nope. An hour later, I was suspended from school. FML

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By dripdripdrop - 26/1/2010 18:44 - United States

Today, it's raining at my work. Not outside, inside. Because our building's boiler broke and all the pipes are dripping with condensation. I have to sit at my desk under an umbrella to protect my laptop and desk phone. The HVAC company said, "Don't worry, this is normal." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2009 11:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I found myself locked out of my house. I had to squeeze myself through a tiny window around the back. While hanging upside down, my hood fell over my head. My dog ran through to investigate the noise and ravaged me thinking I was a burglar. I then fell and broke my wrist. FML

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By grann - 15/3/2010 01:39 - United States

Today, while walking to my car through the snow, I noticed the sunroof was open and 2 feet of snow had poured in. Angry, I opened the door to start cleaning. That's when I noticed all the wildlife that had taken refuge inside from the cold. Not only were my seat cushions wet, they were torn open. FML

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By Brunette, small breasts - 24/7/2016 18:51 - Romania - Campina

Today, I decided to finally talk to my crush. I said "hello" to which he replied "first, dye your hair blonde and grow some boobs, then we can talk business." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2009 01:16 - United States

Today, I was carrying some luggage downstairs to put in my car to head back to college. My brother told me my shoes were untied. He said he would tie them for me as I was carrying luggage. I fell down the stairs because he thought it would be funny to tie them together. FML

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By Porche - 12/11/2015 16:24 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend called me at work and said, "I hate to do this over the phone..." I burst into tears, thinking he was going to break up with me. Turns out he only ate my last doughnut. Now my co-workers think I'm a weirdo. FML

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By stupidapperently - 1/2/2013 04:06 - United States

Today, while checking out a couple at work, I handed them their receipt and wished them a good day. The woman promptly pulled her husband to the side, and whispered to him about how much of a "fucking idiot" I was for making the prices so high. I work at McDonald's. FML

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By anonymous - 8/1/2016 06:49 - United States

Today, I arrived at work to find a bullet hole in the window of the storefront we're leasing. Security assured me it had always been there and the glass shards on the floor had somehow been missed in my many vacuum passes and the pre-lease inspection two months ago, so no need to worry or fix it. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2009 08:03 - United States

Today, I cut my finger open with a spoon. After waiting for 4 hours in the emergency room, the doctor told me I was missing too much flesh to qualify for stitches. He then called 2 other doctors in to examine it. Apparently they had a contest for patient with most ridiculous injury. I won. FML

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By UnluckyInk - 18/2/2013 08:50 - United States - Manlius

Today, I went in to get my first tattoo. I'd put a lot of thought into it and was really excited when the day came. Long story short, the Celtic knot I'd gotten turned out to have an alternate meaning of "female sex slave." The faces my very Irish family made were beyond words. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2012 16:45 - United States - Lititz

Today, after months of job searching, I finally got a call about one of my applications. I wasn't able to answer it, but he left a voicemail. I've listened to it over and over, and I can't understand the contact information. He called from a restricted number. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2012 17:50 - United States

Today, someone stole my iPhone. I used the Find My iPhone app, and located it in the apartment building next to mine. I can hear the ringing sound I've activated, but nobody will answer the door. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2015 15:05 - United Kingdom - Eastleigh

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend about the importance of foreplay, and that attempting to get me "in the mood" by whipping his cock out and air humping was roughly equivalent to throwing a dry teabag at me and claiming he made a cup of tea. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2011 14:08 - United States

Today, my 4 year old asked to go outside and play in the sprinkler. I told him not right now because I was busy and he's too little to play outside by himself. I came out of the laundry room later to find he'd brought the sprinkler in the house and turned the water on. At least he listened. FML

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By anonymous - 11/3/2010 19:55 - United States

Today, I found out that my art project, the one I've been working on for the last two weeks and the first piece I felt really comfortable about turning in, was stolen out of the art cupboard. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2011 21:47 - United States

Today, I woke up from my honeymoon to discover the love of my life is a bed wetter. FML

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By lageste - 20/11/2008 04:37 - France

Today, while I was out, I was having a drink with a pretty girl. She started looking at my crotch and said, smiling, "There's something burning down there." I smiled, but she insisted. Ashes had set my trousers on fire. FML

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By adventurousnightsbutnotinagoodway - 17/12/2013 15:38 - Netherlands - Leiden

Today, it was safe to say I started sleepwalking again, after I woke up with a mouth filled with soil and a ravaged plant. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2009 19:44 - United States

Today, I was looking at the skeleton of a human male that we have in out biology classroom. I picked up the hand to examine the bones in the finger, and had the sudden realization that this is the only time that I have held hands with a boy. I'm a junior in college. FML

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By sneeuwbal - 25/12/2014 18:36 - Belgium - Dilbeek

Today, my girlfriend's dad called to say she wasn't allowed to come with me on a three-day trip on New Year's. He waited until Christmas to say it, even though we booked and paid for the trip nearly a month ago. Now he ruined both holidays. FML

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By lunarstrain - 8/11/2011 06:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to have sex with a piece of fruit. FML

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By kenyaliving - 13/2/2013 22:04 - Kenya

Today, I've been living in Kenya in a nasty apartment for so long that when I looked down into my drink and saw a dead fly, I just picked it out and continued drinking. FML

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By idonthavereligion - 29/5/2015 04:16 - United States - Palmer

Today, I started my day off with a relaxing cup of coffee, the morning paper, and the sound of my mother informing me I will be going to hell for being not believing in God. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2012 19:34 - United States - Pocatello

Today, I approached a cute girl at a club, when she started barking at me like a rabid dog. Thinking she might be mentally unhinged, I left, only to see the same girl laughing her ass off with her friends minutes later. When I went back over, her friends started barking at me too. FML

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By Deaf and Dumb - 23/5/2017 18:00

Today, while on the bus, the girl in front of me asked me if I could find the orange she'd dropped. I couldn't see it, but when I told her that there was no orange there, she gave me the strangest look. She'd said ring, not orange. FML

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By adults acting like children - 17/9/2016 20:31 - United States - Danvers

Today, it's been almost two weeks since any of my relatives have talked to me. They are still mad because I didn't go on a Labor Day trip with them and I've found out why. Apparently, they had plans for me to babysit my younger cousins any time they wanted to do something fun. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2011 06:43 - United States

Today, I found out that the gentle, adorable oral surgeon who took out my wisdom teeth last year was recently arrested for rape. FML

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By stupid!!! - 2/9/2020 19:58

Light bulb moment

Today, my lamp wouldn’t turn on. I spent a good 10 minutes looking for a replacement bulb before I thought to check if it was plugged in. It wasn’t. FML

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By sarahijklmnop - 15/11/2012 01:04 - United States - Louisville

Today, I started at my first job. Within the first five minutes of arriving, I was followed around by a white guy who repeatedly sang to me, "Black people love making music" along with a few of his own songs. It resulted in me getting fired for bringing my "boyfriend" to work. I didn't even know him. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2015 15:44 - United States

Today, while I was pulling weeds, my dad thought it would be absolutely hilarious to yell "Hey, son!" then unload his gun at me when I turned around. After I'd screamed like a bitch and pissed myself, he broke down into hysterical laughter and said he'd loaded the gun with blanks. Fuck you, dad. FML

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By Noname - 12/3/2009 00:09 - United States

Today, I was studying for a final when I noticed all I had was a blue highlighter. I decided to drive to the store to get a yellow one. On the way there, I got $200 worth of traffic tickets for not stopping at a stop sign. I basically spent $200 because I prefer yellow highlighters over blue. FML

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Top comments

By mrlucky22 | 18

#6638436 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 16:37

Your boogers should taste sweeter too.

By summer4me | 25

#6638464 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 16:58

Have you tried saline spray? That could help wash out your nose

COMMENTS

By mrlucky22 | 18

#6638436 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 16:37

Your boogers should taste sweeter too.

trucker2 | 33

#6638444 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 16:46

Oh how gross

nanner6206 | 24

#6638445 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 16:48

lmao.

individual00 | 14

#6638535 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 18:24

Firstly, that's disgusting! Secondly, cocoa powder is actually quite bitter, like dark chocolat.

sylvienoir | 18

#6639027 - Wednesday 29 June 2016 9:45

yeah chocolate is only sweet when you add sugar and cream. cocoa powder tastes like shit on its own

By summer4me | 25

#6638464 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 16:58

Have you tried saline spray? That could help wash out your nose

tantanpanda | 26

#6638609 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 20:03

Just squirt hot milk up your nose and you'll have yourself a hot chocolate. Foolproof

Mightyrif | 23

#6638613 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 20:12

Just make sure it isn't normal water otherwise there's a chance amoebas could crawl into your brain and eat it. Not even joking.

WJM505 | 14

#6638729 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 23:28

I'm pretty sure that's why #4 said "saline spray" and not to just spray water up OP's nose.

By Shawn2095 | 18

#6638465 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 16:58

Sounds about worth it

By geniusness | 6

#6638480 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 17:13

"accidentally"

By rockeditionbarbi | 14

#6638484 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 17:19

Focus on the bright side then everything will be okay

By aGMAELSTR0M | 10

#6638488 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 17:25

Netty Pot + cocoa powder = hot chocolate :)

By ABlindMan | 17

#6638592 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 19:41

Snorting cocoa is actually a new fad in Europe. By your description of burning like hell I can't imagine how it'd be enjoyable though. FYL OP

By BoxFullOfLazy | 25

#6638622 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 20:25

Someone should edit Scarface to replace the piles of cocaine with cocoa powder.

By prostar9993 | 15

#6638634 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 20:50

How do you accidentally
Snort cocoa powder?

soullyfe | 33

#6638674 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 22:02

I doubted they purposely snorted it. Since it's a powder, some of the 'dust' of it had probably flown up OP's nose without them realizing it until they sniffed.

By moondoglou420 | 17

#6638644 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 20:59

Seems like a fair trade to me.