Kids: Today, whilst making a cake for my kids, I accidentally got some...

By Evjoel - Bermuda - Hamilton

Today, whilst making a cake for my kids, I accidentally got some cocoa powder in my nose. Now it feels like my nose is burning stronger than the fires of hell. On the bright side, everything smells like chocolate. FML

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Kids

Season finale

Coherence dude, do you have it?

And today, on Dr Phil…

By killingmyselfimmediately

Today, I had the flu and couldn't go to school. My dad called in and told them that I couldn't be there because I have an itchy anus. Not only that, but my birthday's tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wentzville

Today, I was pulled over by a police officer because he thought I was skipping school. I'm 24 and we graduated high school together. FML

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By Random Person - United States

Today, I was eating out at a restaurant downtown with my brother in-law when I told him I couldn't eat any more. He then told me, "You better, or you're walking home." He wasn't kidding. FML

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By not laughing anymore - Netherlands - Egelshoek

Today, since my finals are starting tomorrow, I made a joke about setting my math books on fire. I laughed. Friends laughed. Parents laughed. Guess what subject just managed to actually get in touch with my scented candles? FML

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By dentedmercedes - United States - Berkley

Today, I was rear ended at McDonald's by the same driver who rear ended me at the same McDonald's last week. FML

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By justgivemethed - United States - Westminster

Today, I was tutoring a band member. Whenever I ask him to play a D or any D scale, he stops just to snicker and say, "Ha ha. D." He still sucks. I hate his guts. FML

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By ... - United States

Today, my pissed off girlfriend used window marker to write racist comments on my car window. This would include: nazi symbols, white power, and a few others I won't mention. I live in a predominately black neighborhood. FML

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By whyme

Today, I met a wonderful man and agreed to go on a date. Halfway through the date, he started telling about how much he hates his wife. And his four kids. I texted him after I walked out, saying not to call me again. He agreed. His wife didn't. FML

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By Hugh_Jankles - United States

Today, I had the sudden urge to sneeze as I was wiping my ass. Out of instinct, I used my hand to cover my mouth. I never let go of the toilet paper. FML

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By fedupson - United States - Milpitas

Today, I went driving for the first time with my mom. When she wasn't screaming, she gave great advice like, "Stop at the red light" and "Don't crash into cars". I need to drive 50 hours with her. FML

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By Emma - United Kingdom - Rawtenstall

Today, I had a job interview where I was asked, "Who is your best friend?" I replied truthfully, "My cat", only to then be asked what my cat would describe as my best qualities, which didn't go far beyond, "Remembering to feed him". They weren't impressed. FML

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By Karma - United Kingdom - Newport

Today, whilst in the last week of my notice period, I was instructed by my boss to tell six new employees that their jobs had fallen through before they'd even started. Later that afternoon, I received a call from my line manager. Guess whose own job has fallen through too. FML

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By Momo8612

Today, while shopping for groceries, a small child pointed at my face and exclaimed : "DOGGIE!" FML

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By tony456 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were making out while she was laying on me. Her little brother walked in, saw us and yelled, "Mom they're swallowing each other!" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bishops Stortford

Today, my social anxiety hit a new low. I was playing bingo and, although I won, I didn't shout "bingo" because I thought too many people would look at me. FML

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By BadassNinja - United States

Today, I tried to impress my girlfriend by punching through a piece of old drywall karate kid-style. As it turns out, the drywall was actually a thin piece of concrete. I now have a busted hand and a girlfriend with a new story to tell all her friends. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, I went to a trampoline park and jumped into an adult-area foam pit that apparently used to be for children. I guess it never occurred to them to change the depth of it, as I now have a fractured ankle. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was scrolling through Instagram when I got a new follow suggestion. I checked her feed, and found out it was my ex-fiancé’s newest fiancée. And he'd proposed to her using an $185 ring I'd bought myself for my birthday last year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that, due to my low self-confidence, all my bras are push-ups. He yelled, "EVERYTHING I KNEW IS A LIE" and stormed out. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, I was going through a hard and painful break up after a long relationship. Trying to get over it, I invited my two best friends over to lift my spirits. The night ended with them making out on my bed as I sat alone in the other room. FML

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By gangstalicious - United States

Today, I got the cell phone bill for my family and saw that my son had gone over his limit by around 1,000 messages. Curious to see what he was talking about that much, I read the messages. Apparently, my 15 year old son is having it off more than me and my wife. FML

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By mary - Australia

Today, I managed to cut myself on a piece of chocolate. FML

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By hamster cookie - France

Today, my 6 year old son learned that if you give a mouse a cookie, he will ask for a glass of milk. But if you give a hamster a cookie, he will try to shove the whole thing in his mouth, choke, and die. FML

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By rubber_duckie177 - United States

Today, my sisters and I were throwing my mom a birthday party. Since I'm not good at baking, I ordered her a really nice and expensive cake. As my daughter and I were headed out the door, she told me she had added some sprinkles to make it pretty. It was the silica beads from a package. FML

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By Becca - United States - Portland

Today, my mother-in-law "borrowed" my dog without asking, to show him off to her friends. My dog is my service animal, and I'm not comfortable leaving the house without him. I have to be at work in an hour, and she's not picking up her phone. FML

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By El Camino - United States

Territorial Pissings

Today, I parked in a different lot because the one I usually park in was full. When I came back later, a bumper sticker was stuck to the windshield that said, "INCONSIDERATE F***, DON'T PARK HERE AGAIN!" To make matters worse, it was stuck on with a special type of glue, so it can't be removed. FML

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By Sam - United States - Eureka

Today, my art teacher showed off a painting of his name he got in Japan. I can read Japanese, and it actually says "Old idiot". I really don't want to break it to him. FML

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By Anonim23

Today, the spiders in my house are so big that they catch wasps in their webs. FML

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By all tweened out - Canada

Today, I drove alone for the first time since I passed my test. I kept getting weird looks from other drivers and got pulled over by a cop. He said I was clearly underage and was sure my license was fake. Almost half an hour later, he finally let me go. I hate having a baby-face. FML

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By baconandkittens - United States

Today, I was washing dishes when I picked up a plate and saw a huge spider. Trying to be nice, I took the plate outside and tried to gently push the spider off. The wind blew it into my eye. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I finally got a promotion at work. Today I also found out that no matter how long I work, no matter how much effort and unpaid overtime I put in for 6 years, my coworkers will be convinced I only got promoted because I'm the CFO's son. FML

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By poop

Today, my sister gave my laptop away and dumped a pile of her hamster's turds on my bed. All of this because I flushed the toilet while she was in the shower last night. FML

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By DocFUCKINGHATESSTUPIDPEOPLE - United States - Schertz

Today, I've been on duty at the hospital for just three hours so far, and I've already pulled five carving forks out of four different people. Good job, everybody. FML

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By Unappreciated Grandchild - United States - Bel Air

Today, I looked over to see my grandfather looking thoughtfully at me. Feeling flattered because he rarely shows affection, I waved at him. He then said, "I was looking out the window" and continued to stare past my head out of the window. FML

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By BeachBummer

Today, I’ve been up since 5am getting everything ready for the beach. This is the first nice weekend we’ve had this season. I have a dressed toddler asleep on the couch and grown ass man that refuses to get out of bed. Today it’s 80 degrees. Next weekend is 50 degrees. FML

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By tkr - United Kingdom

Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend that he should sing that song that goes 'I'm too sexy for my shirt' when we have sex. Now, every time that we have sex, that song is going to be stuck in my head. FML

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By SilverRaven77 - 19/1/2021 23:01

Backwards world

Today, I was fired from my job for wearing a mask. The manager said I must have Covid, since I was the only one wearing a mask and following state mandated orders. I told him, "I'll see you in court!" FML

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By shitforchris - Canada

Today, I had to give the girl I am absolutely in love with advice on how to have better sex with her boyfriend. FML

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By TJ - India

Today, my friend whacked me on the family jewels while I was washing my hands in the college bathroom. While I lay writhing in pain on the floor, a guy at the urinal turned around towards me to see what was wrong. He was still peeing. FML

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By ididn'tevendoanythingwrong - United States - Tampa

Today, my roommates told me they want me to move out of our apartment. We would have never gotten the apartment without my credit score, and most of the furniture is mine. FML

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Top comments

By mrlucky22 | 18

#6638436 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 16:37

Your boogers should taste sweeter too.

By summer4me | 25

#6638464 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 16:58

Have you tried saline spray? That could help wash out your nose

COMMENTS

By mrlucky22 | 18

#6638436 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 16:37

Your boogers should taste sweeter too.

trucker2 | 33

#6638444 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 16:46

Oh how gross

nanner6206 | 24

#6638445 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 16:48

lmao.

individual00 | 14

#6638535 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 18:24

Firstly, that's disgusting! Secondly, cocoa powder is actually quite bitter, like dark chocolat.

sylvienoir | 18

#6639027 - Wednesday 29 June 2016 9:45

yeah chocolate is only sweet when you add sugar and cream. cocoa powder tastes like shit on its own

By summer4me | 25

#6638464 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 16:58

Have you tried saline spray? That could help wash out your nose

tantanpanda | 26

#6638609 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 20:03

Just squirt hot milk up your nose and you'll have yourself a hot chocolate. Foolproof

Mightyrif | 23

#6638613 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 20:12

Just make sure it isn't normal water otherwise there's a chance amoebas could crawl into your brain and eat it. Not even joking.

WJM505 | 14

#6638729 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 23:28

I'm pretty sure that's why #4 said "saline spray" and not to just spray water up OP's nose.

By Shawn2095 | 18

#6638465 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 16:58

Sounds about worth it

By geniusness | 6

#6638480 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 17:13

"accidentally"

By rockeditionbarbi | 14

#6638484 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 17:19

Focus on the bright side then everything will be okay

By aGMAELSTR0M | 10

#6638488 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 17:25

Netty Pot + cocoa powder = hot chocolate :)

By ABlindMan | 17

#6638592 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 19:41

Snorting cocoa is actually a new fad in Europe. By your description of burning like hell I can't imagine how it'd be enjoyable though. FYL OP

By BoxFullOfLazy | 25

#6638622 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 20:25

Someone should edit Scarface to replace the piles of cocaine with cocoa powder.

By prostar9993 | 15

#6638634 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 20:50

How do you accidentally
Snort cocoa powder?

soullyfe | 33

#6638674 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 22:02

I doubted they purposely snorted it. Since it's a powder, some of the 'dust' of it had probably flown up OP's nose without them realizing it until they sniffed.

By moondoglou420 | 17

#6638644 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 20:59

Seems like a fair trade to me.