Intimacy: Today, while working the Sunday rush at the deli, I held up a... - FML

03/10/2016 14:09 - United States - East Brunswick

Today, while working the Sunday rush at the deli, I held up a piece of ham to a blind customer and asked him if it was thick enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 143

You deserved it 3 550

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

You tried

Luck of the draw

10/09/2012 06:06 - United States - Norwalk

Today, my 43-year-old brother's obsession with Breaking Bad reached a new level of stupidity when he nearly got us beaten up by a bunch of meth-heads down by our local park. He went up to them with his shaved head and stupid hat, and tried to act all Walter White with them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 665

You deserved it 2 260

28/02/2016 22:32 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, my cousin got married. I was cold so I went to get my jacket from my car. While leaving I saw my cousin walking around the front of the venue. I told her she looked beautiful in her dress. She looked up and said, "Where is my beer, have you seen my beer?" and threw up on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 410

You deserved it 1 411

Not likely in 2020

By Anonymous - 23/10/2020 20:02 - Canada - Windsor

Today, I’m stuck not being able to sleep, because the thought of someone actually caring about me occurred. FML

I agree, your life sucks 738

You deserved it 146

TW: Gross

By Anonymous - 14/02/2011 00:09 - Denmark

Today, my roommate complained about his penis being smelly and itchy. It's been a week. Yesterday he woke me up in the middle of the night, asking if I had some kind of Vaseline or moisturizer he could use for the itching. He still refuses to go to the doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 337

You deserved it 2 821

10/05/2009 05:38 - United States

Today, I went to go visit my beloved husband in the hospital. As I went past the nurses station, I heard them talking about the "bastard in Room 303." I went on to visit my husband in room 303. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 842

You deserved it 5 359

01/10/2009 10:33 - United States

Today, on facebook, I realized I had over 500 friends. I told my one friend and she changed her status to "How can Dan have over 500 facebook friends? Nobody even likes him" there were 42 likes, and twenty comments that said "agreed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 658

You deserved it 12 301

15/03/2019 21:00 - United States

Today, MLK Jr. Day, I was told that since my other co workers are on vacation, I have to be at work Today. No one else is at work Today...or on any other holiday. Also I am the only black person at my office. The irony, FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 402

You deserved it 235

21/04/2018 19:00

Today, I’ve been up since 5am getting everything ready for the beach. This is the first nice weekend we’ve had this season. I have a dressed toddler asleep on the couch and grown ass man that refuses to get out of bed. Today it’s 80 degrees. Next weekend is 50 degrees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 907

You deserved it 614

Tsk Tsk

By whatiswrongwiththeworld - 14/07/2017 13:01

Today, I was told off by a random woman who said that I should be ashamed of myself for dating such an older man. I was having dinner with my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 811

You deserved it 275

Parting gift

By Anonymous - 30/01/2021 20:01

Spicy

Today, the girl who lived downstairs and who was also sleeping with my guy moved out. She left a stack of my mail she had been taking at my door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 877

You deserved it 78

Judge and jury

By ToxicSiren - 06/02/2021 14:01

Today, I posted a picture to Snapchat about being depressed. My close friend, who I share most things with, made fun of my post. That's the last time I share anything with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 733

You deserved it 168

10/10/2015 04:25 - United States - Bryan

Today, my friends were right about me being whipped. My girlfriend now has me setting an alarm for 3 hrs after she's fallen asleep, all so I can uncover her feet so she doesn't get too warm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 631

You deserved it 15 333

05/12/2013 19:10 - United Kingdom - Washington

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when I got a sudden agonising cramp in my foot. I cried out in pain, but he didn't stop. If anything, my cries of pain seemed to spur him on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 577

You deserved it 8 746

17/12/2010 02:23 - United States

Today, I saw a homeless man on the corner, I thought I would be generous and give him some cash. I rolled down my window and waved my hand for him to come over. As he was walking over, he was struck by another car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 134

You deserved it 6 322

Time to grow a beard?

By Ben - 03/08/2017 23:00 - United States - Lansing

Today, my girlfriend told me she won't have sex with me anymore. When I asked her why, she said I've lost too much weight and I look like her son. Her son is 4 feet tall & 9 years old. I'm 6 feet tall & 30 years old. She said having sex with me feel like having sex with her son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 857

You deserved it 449

16/03/2012 10:38 - Norway

Today, my fiancé came home drunk with some girl. Then he told her that I was his sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 170

You deserved it 3 725

08/06/2009 00:17 - United States

Today, I came home and found my desk devoid of all paper. Turned out my mom dropped by and wanted to surprise me by cleaning up my work area. She threw away over 7 months worth of irreplaceable original sketches, notes and storylines, thinking they were worthless. My job is a full-time artist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 406

You deserved it 3 808

07/09/2011 05:59 - Canada

Today, my parents canceled the Internet at our house because they view it as a "passing fad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 684

You deserved it 2 379

08/12/2016 19:53

Today, I got pulled over for having an expired registration. I also found out my husband hasn't been paying for my car insurance. Luckily, I didn't get arrested because I had my baby with me. They towed my car and gave me 2 tickets and a court date. Oh, and the cop sent me a friend request. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 325

You deserved it 859

18/07/2016 04:34 - United States - Athens

Today, I sent my grandfather a picture of me because he hasn't seen me in years. I guess I should wear makeup next time, because he sent back a heavily photoshopped and cropped version and told me how beautiful I look. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 335

You deserved it 922

25/03/2016 15:06 - United States - Clovis

Today, my only friend got banned from my house, all because she kissed her boyfriend in front of me. I'm 16, but apparently I can't handle seeing a kiss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 135

You deserved it 1 581

You tried

By briiiiiiii123 - 12/01/2015 07:56 - United States - Buffalo

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I had 'car sex'. It sucked and resulted in him masturbating into a McDonald's bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 344

You deserved it 7 702

01/02/2009 18:08 - Canada

Today, I talked to my boss about the fact that I have been diagnosed as bipolar and I am having a really hard time with it. He told me to look on the bright side, now that I'm crazy I will never have to do Jury Duty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 038

You deserved it 4 023

24/10/2010 13:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I was selling personalised stockings at work. When handing a customer's order over to her, which had no name on, I joked, "Oooh this is a bit mysterious". She replied, "Actually, it's in memory of the baby I miscarried earlier this year." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 986

You deserved it 9 967

Gotta start somewhere

By Anonymous - 04/12/2020 05:02

Today, I found out my parents paid my "best friend" to be my friend for the past 7 years. She's my only friend too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 946

You deserved it 81

Pavarotti next door

By Anonymous - 18/02/2021 18:30 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I had to hear my neighbor whine again through the walls because he can't talk in a quiet voice. You can hear him from across the street, and that's before he gets drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 780

You deserved it 50

14/12/2010 05:01 - United States

Spicy

Today, I got a message from the girl I like. She told me to never speak to her again and not even look at her any more. Apparently the letter I wrote to her was perverted, vile and nasty. I never wrote her a letter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 910

You deserved it 2 780

24/04/2009 07:25 - Germany

Today, I received my camera in the mail that my mom sent from home since I forgot it when I moved to Italy. It was wrapped in 4 layers of bubble wrap and packed in foam peanuts to keep it from getting broken. As I was removing the last layer of bubble wrap I dropped it, breaking the screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 793

You deserved it 48 206

07/05/2016 21:34 - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend came home from a two week vacation and told me I need to move. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 650

You deserved it 950

16/09/2014 16:20 - United Kingdom - Macclesfield

Today, I'm at that age where sitting down carries a 50/50 chance of turning my balls into scrambled eggs, a fact confirmed yet again today. Third time this week. I think it's time to switch to briefs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 310

You deserved it 4 462

13/05/2017 16:00

Today, I found out I will be without a car for two weeks because my mother volunteered to let my grandparents use mine while theirs is being repaired. They've been in 4 accidents over the last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 883

You deserved it 398

29/05/2012 07:54 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my boyfriend called me, panicking. Apparently he had a headache, but wasn't concentrating on what tablets he grabbed, and accidentally took tablets for "relief of period pain". He was convinced he was going to grow ovaries overnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 429

You deserved it 2 897

Evil eye doctor

By Anonymous - 07/04/2021 01:58 - United States

Today, my step-son broke his glasses. Our doctor said he would no longer see us because my step-son is transgender, and a new law in our state allows him to do this. Apparently, it was foolish to be honest on medical forms. Finals are in a month but we have to find a new doctor before he can even study. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 577

You deserved it 383

13/02/2014 15:47 - United States - Kennett

Today, trying to be a responsible parent, I bought my daughter a pack of condoms in case she ever decided to have sex. She turned them into balloon animals and went back to playing video games. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 472

You deserved it 52 976

30/06/2013 04:21 - United States

Today, my husband and I were at the mall, and decided to have a snack at the food court. As we ate, an obese woman squeezed past our table, butt facing us. Just when her ass-cheeks slid past our heads, she let out a horrific fart that my father would be proud of. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 369

You deserved it 3 594

13/11/2010 00:30 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out that in the three years I've been dating my boyfriend, his parents have secretly been going through all of his emails, including the ones I've sent him with "sexy" pictures attached. I can't look his parents in the eye without being reminded that they've both seen me naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 130

You deserved it 14 655

Bad actor

By Anonymous - 20/04/2021 23:00

Spicy

Today, I tried faking an orgasm for the first time, because I thought it would be sexy for my boyfriend. He stopped to ask me if I was okay. I guess I'm not good at faking it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 311

You deserved it 1 121

10/07/2016 20:42 - United States - Akron

Today, my mom hadn't talked to me for 5 days, so worried sick I called my grandpa. She's been in jail, and no one cared to inform me. Great. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 931

You deserved it 696

11/02/2015 20:40 - France - Saint-brieuc

Today, apparently when you tell a hairdresser, "A little off the sides," they hear, "A bowl cut, please, and make it look extra stupid." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 999

You deserved it 3 596

14/06/2009 17:20 - United States

Today, my family was discussing the new rules of the house we are moving in. They told my sister she couldn't have any boys in her room. They didn't tell me I couldn't have any girls in my room. Even my parents think I can't get a girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 200

You deserved it 4 964

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Top comments

irishmaiden78 23

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Monday 3 October 2016 19:05

It happens. Common actions are hard to break the habit of. You didn't do it on purpose and I'm sure they weren't offended.

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Monday 3 October 2016 19:26

That's it, OP. He's recorded your name into his dictaphone, and you'll be the subject of much criticism at their next meeting. The blind will work together to come up with a suitable punishment for your unforgivable faux pas.

Comments

irishmaiden78 23

Send a private message

Monday 3 October 2016 19:05

It happens. Common actions are hard to break the habit of. You didn't do it on purpose and I'm sure they weren't offended.

Send a private message

Monday 3 October 2016 19:44

Too be honest I might have done the same thing out of habit myself.

_Just_My_Luck 15

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Monday 3 October 2016 19:08

Guess he didn't see that one coming.

musicforhearts 15

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Monday 3 October 2016 19:09

Mistakes happen, especially during a rush. You probably could've played it off by handing it to the customer and letting them try it.

ThePaperDragon 31

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Monday 3 October 2016 19:10

At least he likely did not notice you holding it up to him.

tyler_the_asiann 16

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Monday 3 October 2016 19:25

Well, Did end up asking him to feel your meat?

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Monday 3 October 2016 19:26

That's it, OP. He's recorded your name into his dictaphone, and you'll be the subject of much criticism at their next meeting. The blind will work together to come up with a suitable punishment for your unforgivable faux pas.

ThrottleJockey 34

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Tuesday 4 October 2016 14:34

She'll never see it coming.

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Monday 3 October 2016 19:35

I don't know... Was it thick enough?

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Monday 3 October 2016 19:35

George W Bush once waved at Stevie Wonder, and he was arguably the most powerful man in the world at one time. I think you'll be okay.

Earl_KarmasBitch 29

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Tuesday 4 October 2016 4:09

He also told a blind reporter off for wearing sunglasses in a White House press conference not realising he was blind. He did take some stick for that one.

stressedartist 14

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Monday 3 October 2016 19:51

In your defense you were probably tired

RichardPencil 30

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Monday 3 October 2016 19:52

You should have flapped it around like you were waving a flag. He could have heard how thick it was.

LyricaSilvan 29

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Tuesday 4 October 2016 2:37

-cue wet, meaty slapping sounds as the ham flops against itself- "Sounds pretty thick. Let's call it good."

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Tuesday 4 October 2016 6:27

These might be the most unintentionally sexual comments I've read. I'm… I'm not complaining. What else should the OP do with their meat? Ooh, what if it's TOO thick?!

HighasaCloud 46

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Tuesday 4 October 2016 11:43

#30 - What do you mean Unintentionally? This FML is in the "intimacy" category for a reason

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 134

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 481

You deserved it 121

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 451

You deserved it 136