Kids: Today, concerned about my daughter's recent behavior, I looked... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Wailuku

Today, concerned about my daughter's recent behavior, I looked through her web browser history. I found web searches for information on how to make a bomb to blow up a "horse". I'm not sure if she's illiterate, but either way it seems I need to get her some help. FML

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Commando

Gas giant

Ideal first date

By Ouch - United States

Today, as I was closing my car door, I realized I had left the keys in the ignition. Not wanting to lock myself out, I reached to stop the door from closing. Not only did I scream when the door slammed on my hand, but in my furious pain, I leaned on the door, locking my keys inside. FML

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By no, don't save me or nothing - Canada - Woodstock

Today, some aggressive asshole was tailgating me on my way home, bumping into me twice. I got scared and kicked my car into high gear and got out of there. Seconds later, a traffic cop came out of nowhere and pulled me over for speeding. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my Darwin Award-nominated cousin got himself admitted to the hospital because he substituted the hammer and screwdriver for a meat tenderizer and a knife when he couldn't find the toolbox. The one I clearly labeled "TOOLS" in giant letters to avoid this situation from happening again. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2021 23:01

Thanks, great feedback everyone!

Today, after years of not meeting my partner's family, along with the new arrival of our daughter, we decided to travel to meet them all and introduce our bundle of joy. Instead of the usual welcoming committee, all they could go on about was whether or not my daughter was his because of how fair toned she is. FML

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By caterinette - Portugal

Today, it was my turn to open the bar I work at. As I walked into our terrace, I found our insane upstairs neighbour leaving the scene without a word. This was right before I spotted the steaming pile of dung she'd left behind. FML

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By eternal

Today, while at the drive-thru at Sonic, they told me they were out of mozzarella sticks. I shed actual tears. I’m not even pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally having some intimate alone time together. When we really started getting into it, he suddenly prematurely jizzed in my eye. I now need surgery and have to explain to my family how I almost lost my eye. FML

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By useless pos - Australia - Sydney

Today, I went out to buy a bottle of wine and some condoms. As the cashier scanned the condoms, she snickered and muttered, "Yeah right." She was right; I really was just desperate to look like I have a sex life. I got so upset that I left my items and walked out with tears in my eyes. FML

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By Breath of fresh air - 3/8/2020 17:01

Wear your masks

Today, after 3 months of no Coronavirus in my state, two stupid cunts have to failed to self-isolate and restarted the lockdown. FML

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By EwwEwwEww - United States - Portland

Today, I noticed that the floor outside our bathroom was covered in toenail clippings. I asked my husband what had happened. Turns out, he saves time by clipping his nails onto the floor and then sweeping them out into the hall, where they get lodged in the carpet. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium - Poperinge

Today, my boyfriend broke things off, because he says I have a "horrible, horrible personality" and that I'm only really fuck-buddy material, which is a problem because he wants something long-term. We've been dating for three years. FML

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By ouchbrow - United Kingdom

Today, I went to get my hair done. The hairdresser managed to catch my eyebrow piercing in his comb and almost rip it out. I now look like I have a gunshot wound on the upper right hand side of my face. I'm getting married in a matter of hours, and I still had to pay £100 for the hair cut. FML

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By ishweta56 - United States

Today, me and my friend are sitting here on fmylife.com while our boyfriends are out clubbing. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, I found out that the weird lump on my eye is benign. That would be great news but they aren't going to treat it at all. Now I look like I'm high all the time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was forced to spend New Years Eve with my strict/conservative parents in the middle of nowhere in Illinois. If I had nothing else, I looked forward to watching the ball drop in NYC. As the seconds counted down the T.V. shut off. Parental controls shut down cable at midnight. FML

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By yoggabe - Mexico - Villahermosa

Today, I found out that my six year old cousin has a raging crush on my boyfriend. She lives across the street and watches from her window for his car to appear in front of my house. She's indicated that she'll stop at nothing until he's hers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I tried to explain to my history teacher why Woodrow Wilson would not have called the Great War "World War 1" as she constantly claims. I was sent to the office for my insubordination. FML

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By fuckshit

Today, I witnessed a hit-and-run. I used my phone to write down the license plate for the police. However, I didn't notice that my phone had autocorrected the number. FML

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By hairybetty - United States

Today, I shaved my legs and armpits for the first time in 6 weeks. Unfortunately, I didn't have a hot date, I just had my yearly gyno exam. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2020 17:01

Creepy idea, dude

Today, I finally found a way to lesser the loneliness in my life. During at least one work or school zoom meeting a day, I "pin" a random female attendee's screen. That way, I can pretend we're staring into each others eyes the whole time. FML

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By awkward - Finland

Today, my mom got me a job working for the man she's cheating on my dad with. My dad doesn't know that she's cheating, and my mom doesn't know that I know. It's just awkward. FML

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By JayFri - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex in his car. He got out of the car and moved to the passenger seat with me. As he shut the door, it slammed against my fingers, breaking one of them. He then asked if we could still have sex. FML

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By twitch01 - United States

Today, as a joke, my friends and I decided to put me in a dress and makeup, to creep out a friend. I'm a guy. I'm not sure which is worse, the fact that I so willingly volunteered to wear the dress and the makeup, or the fact that I thought it was comfy and made me look slim. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lancaster

Today, I was reading erotic literature and noticed several errors in syntax, resulting in my mood being killed. I was cockblocked by my need for grammatical correctness. FML

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By Wtf

Today, during dinner, my boyfriend slowly walked up next to me, got on one knee, and in one movement pointed at my feet and shouted, "WHAT ARE THOSE?!" FML

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By driving me crazy

Zzzzzzzzz

Today, I had to temporarily relocate to my brother's room after mine was being repainted. Not only do I have to sleep on the floor, but I also have to put up with my brother and dog both snoring loudly. What's worse is that they alternate in snoring. Goodbye sleep. FML

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By madafgf

Today, I was at my bf's house (we are long distance, about 5 hours apart). I found an entire drawer of another woman's clothing and belongings. He told me that they were his ex's, but I don't believe him. I thought he was the love of my life and I'm realizing I'm just his side piece. FML

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By thanks, Nemo. - United States - Hayward

Today, I let my 3-year-old daughter watch Finding Nemo on my phone while I made her lunch. I returned to find she had dropped my phone into the fish bowl so that her goldfish could see his friends. FML

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By Anonymous - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, a friend who I hadn't seen in a while offered to give me a ride. I didn't really know how to give directions to my house, so when we had been driving for a while and it was getting awkward, I just pointed at a random house and pretended to live there. FML

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By sendhelp

Today, my mom asked me to take my dad's mail to him. The "mail" was divorce papers. FML

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By dca101 - United States

Today, my girlfriend left me because our "political views don't match" when I told her we needed to share house chores now that we live together. I know, I'm lost too. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, it was my birthday. I only got one message, from my dad, which was a sexual image meant for my mother. FML

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By Monty - United States

Today, I was baking cookies. When I took the tray out of the oven I closed the door, but it bounced back open and hit me in the back of the knees. That caused me to sit down on the hot oven door. I was just wearing my short bathrobe and no underwear. I really burned my ass and um...stuff. FML

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By Suomynona - Germany - Hamburg

Today, I felt lousy and decided to give myself a pep-talk in the mirror. After a while, I cheered up and went about my day. I soon found out that my sister had recorded me through the crack of my door and posted the video on Facebook. I'm humiliated. FML

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By eatmyshipoopie - United Kingdom

Today, I was getting it on with my boyfriend when my dad opened the door. I thought I hadn't been seen because the door was only open a tiny bit. I then looked into the mirror by the door to see my dad's reflection, staring at mine, horrified. I was on top. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my piano teacher complimented my song, calling it great. I was proud and thanked him, then realized he was being sarcastic. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I had woken up very excited to celebrate my 21st birthday. I roll over in bed and ask my boyfriend if we can go out to the park to have a picnic, considering the lovely weather. He looked up at me and said, "You wish I loved you that much." He rolled back over and slept until 3 p.m. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I just got back from a party, where I spent most of the night comforting the girl I like. Why? Because the guy she likes was being grinded on by another girl. FML

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By ohgodwhy - Canada - Elliot Lake

Today, I was watching a movie with my parents when a sex scene came on. As if that wasn't awkward enough, they started making out on the couch behind me. FML

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By JulleandCici - France

Today, I had dinner on my own. My cat came and sat on the chair on the other side of the table. We stared at each other during the whole meal. Pathetic. FML

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Top comments

By Welshite | 39

#5775174 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:26

She must really hate My Little Pony.

By droidlover | 14

#5775171 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:26

Call the veterinarian ASAP!!

COMMENTS

By droidlover | 14

#5775171 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:26

Call the veterinarian ASAP!!

Reply

Evilpirate | 10

#5775499 - Monday 2 December 2013 6:09

Don't see how a veterinarian can help.

Reply

DistanceRunner94 | 9

#5775592 - Monday 2 December 2013 7:43

It would beHOOVE you to get help from more than just a veterinarian.

Reply

Cadillac4427 | 8

#5775604 - Monday 2 December 2013 7:51

lmao, I see what you did there, good job.

Reply

mallu86 | 9

#5775696 - Monday 2 December 2013 9:32

Congratulations #69. You do have a 20/20 vision.

By mealsonwheels | 12

#5775172 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:26

why would she want to blow up whores?

Reply

ptoka | 20

#5775200 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:32

Going to take a shot and say it's not "a whores", but instead "a house"...

Reply

184886837272837 | 32

#5775283 - Monday 2 December 2013 3:26

An acceptable typo seeing that u and r are on opposite sides of the keyboard. Easy mistake to make if you're typing without looking.

Reply

ptoka | 20

#5775293 - Monday 2 December 2013 3:33

32, who are you correcting. Is it that #2 should have said "whoues"?? Even if OP meant "house" that doesn't explain the mishap above...

Reply

mallu86 | 9

#5775699 - Monday 2 December 2013 9:36

Because they're filthy, carries diseases and take your money.

Reply

Ugi | 26

#5775788 - Monday 2 December 2013 12:11

Obviously she meant "a hearse". Death to all dead people!

Reply

mealsonwheels | 12

#5776579 - Tuesday 3 December 2013 0:21

It would appear that my joke was so funny that no one got it.

Reply

Applesarefum | 9

#5776880 - Tuesday 3 December 2013 5:06

it appears that your joke wasn't funny to begin with

Reply

BradTheBrony | 19

#5777642 - Tuesday 3 December 2013 20:45

It appears that they were being sarcastic and that most people on here bitch about when obvious sarcasm isn't understood.

By girlbye23 | 15

#5775173 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:26

Lucky she meant a horse and not your house!

Reply

Odis12 | 11

#5775633 - Monday 2 December 2013 8:17

Well perhaps the "up" was a typo. Then that takes this Fml in a completely different direction, and it's probably safe to say that you still need to get her some help.

By Welshite | 39

#5775174 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:26

She must really hate My Little Pony.

Reply

XDsmileyDX_fml | 24

#5775204 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:33

Clop clop clop.

Reply

perdix | 29

#5775242 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:52

Defs not a Pegasister.

#YOLO

Reply

slooby_fml | 25

#5775243 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:52

Maybe she's related to Alan Strang

Reply

142_cats | 13

#5775643 - Monday 2 December 2013 8:21

Everypony! RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That crazy bitch is trying to blow up Equestria.

Reply

142_cats | 13

#5775671 - Monday 2 December 2013 8:42

"YOLO is Carpe Diem for stupid people."

Reply

Lilxpie | 18

#5775851 - Monday 2 December 2013 13:31

Seems like the only thing that can save them is the friendship of magic.

Reply

CobraLazerFace | 21

#5777956 - Wednesday 4 December 2013 2:39

That or she really hates Jessica Parker...

By djkazic | 5

#5775179 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:27

Alert the neigh-bors, they could be potential targets too

Reply

KingRay | 3

#5775192 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:30

Yes and don't forget to call the pigs if you catch her doing it.

Reply

ZomBgal | 12

#5775295 - Monday 2 December 2013 3:35

Personally, I wouldn't let her know you searched her browsing history. She might have a cow...

Reply

PePziNL | 20

#5775298 - Monday 2 December 2013 3:37

She's probably too chicken to do it anyways.

Reply

djkazic | 5

#5775374 - Monday 2 December 2013 4:39

She's got some beef with you for sure, OP.

Reply

clever_name_here | 7

#5775422 - Monday 2 December 2013 5:00

If this goes on much longer, it could get hawkward.

Reply

JosephMoore77 | 8

#5775439 - Monday 2 December 2013 5:11

Hold your horses. I think it's best to talk to her about it first before we go any further

Reply

tiernang | 21

#5775440 - Monday 2 December 2013 5:11

#53 as long as no one brings up their cock, we should be fine.

Reply

TheAbstract | 15

#5775465 - Monday 2 December 2013 5:34

#7, you rang?

Reply

Soulsbane96_fml | 11

#5775524 - Monday 2 December 2013 6:36

Guys, stop joking around, this is steer-ious business.
We don't want op to be a cattletale, but they can't ignore this.

Reply

142_cats | 13

#5775657 - Monday 2 December 2013 8:32

Guys, these jokes are way too Bahhhhhhhhh-d. We have to stop horsing around. To get straight to the point, these puns are udder-ly ridiculous.

Reply

BradTheBrony | 19

#5777644 - Tuesday 3 December 2013 20:48

These jokes are bad. Fuckin'... moo or some shit.
(nailed it)

By red_headforlife | 15

#5775182 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:28

Yeah that's probably the best way to go!

Reply

mallu86 | 9

#5775702 - Monday 2 December 2013 9:37

In what world?

By golden_warrior | 23

#5775196 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:31

I thought bad behaviour was going to be mouthing off or using profanity. Calling this a bad behaviour is an understatement

By sabrinalynn22 | 19

#5775209 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:33

Well I'm sure that could be easily explained.

By Mitchman7 | 8

#5775210 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:34

well if she can't spell house correctly.I'm pretty sure you have nothing to worry about

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5775284 - Monday 2 December 2013 3:28

Yep that's it because the jails are full of literate people!

Reply

tukies | 28

#5775475 - Monday 2 December 2013 5:38

#12 well if that's the case, then I shall go rob a bank. When they try to arrest me I will tell they have nothing to worry about, because I'm dyslexic. I sometimes misspell my sdrow.

By thatkid00117 | 16

#5775214 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:36

Never look through someone's web history, you will never find anything good.