Kids: Today, concerned about my daughter's recent behavior, I looked... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Wailuku

Today, concerned about my daughter's recent behavior, I looked through her web browser history. I found web searches for information on how to make a bomb to blow up a "horse". I'm not sure if she's illiterate, but either way it seems I need to get her some help. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44045

You deserved it

4272

Tweet

Share

Walk on the wild side

QAnon weirdoes

Whackjobs 'R Us

By Anonymous

Today, I had to get my picture taken for a volunteer badge at the hospital. My sister came home and told my parents that she had a horrible day at work. They showed her my picture to cheer her up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1699

You deserved it

140

Tweet

Share

By Wow. - United States

Today, my girlfriend refused to take a picture with me to prove to my friends that I do indeed have a girlfriend. I got so desperate that I photoshopped myself into one of her Facebook photos instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45483

You deserved it

15107

Tweet

Share

By scewable - United States

Today, after getting dumped by my boyfriend, I tried to find comfort in one of my closest friends. He embraced me while I struggled against tears, and after a few moments of silence said, "Hey, you know what? I would fuck you anytime. Anytime." FML

I agree, your life sucks

39004

You deserved it

10015

Tweet

Share

By dpl - United States

Today, my mom found a condom in my pocket while doing my laundry. Instead of having the subsequent discussion about the birds and the bees my mother simply asked "Who would have sex with you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

55400

You deserved it

5600

Tweet

Share

By Fennec - France - Paris

Today, my coworkers and I were comparing the backgrounds we have on our phones. They pretty much sum up our love lives; everyone else's background is a photo of their boyfriend or girlfriend. Mine's a photo of a lifeless desert. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40414

You deserved it

4863

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Tatamagouche

Today, I was singing in the shower, not realising the window was open. When I got out, the neighbours were at the front door, loudly arguing with my mother. They were complaining about my awful singing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41832

You deserved it

6989

Tweet

Share

By sis - United States - Hesperia

Today, I went shopping with my sister’s husband to help him choose a birthday gift for her. My sister’s insane friend saw us, followed us, and caused a huge screaming scene in the middle of the mall accusing us of having an affair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4933

You deserved it

283

Tweet

Share

By charishard - United States - San Marcos

Today, I was checking out a customer who seemed quite friendly. As I finished, he reached slightly over the counter and I impulsively reached out and shook his hand. He gave me a dumbfounded look and said, "Can I have my change please?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

27292

You deserved it

35024

Tweet

Share

By drastech99 - United States

Today, my wife got so upset I didn't hold her while Snooki from Jersey Shore was crying, that after the episode was done she locked herself in our room crying. Now I have to sleep on the floor of my living room. Thanks Snooki. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40672

You deserved it

8387

Tweet

Share

By PntsLessWonder - United States

Today, I left my friend this big Facebook wall comment about how adorable his son is. Just after posting, I read the other peoples' comments and find out that it's his daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10165

You deserved it

39932

Tweet

Share

By mrniceguy - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend started a fake argument and pretended to be mad at me for four days, which was almost enough time for the gigantic hickey that my best friend gave her on her neck to heal. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43016

You deserved it

2450

Tweet

Share

By Ouchhh - United States

Today, I leaned back and bumped into one of my mom's plants in the window. The good thing was that I caught it before it fell and shattered. The bad thing was that my mom likes to keep cactii in the window. I can still feel thorns I haven't managed to pluck out yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29821

You deserved it

4531

Tweet

Share

By well SHIT - United States - Little Elm

Today, while having a sneak through my brother's browser, I found a bookmark for a Google Docs file. It was a short story involving him horrifically killing our entire family. It ended with the words: "And that is what happens when people don't respect the author's privacy." FML

I agree, your life sucks

27813

You deserved it

61553

Tweet

Share

By aeghw1s - United States

Today, I started my new job at a restaurant. I am going to be the mascot that stands by the road to wave down customers in a heavy polyester animal suit. The high today is 102. I work 12-4. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37947

You deserved it

6301

Tweet

Share

By zazadudu - France

Today, I wore myself out cooking, preparing tasty little dishes for my sweetheart. I heard him arrive and shout as he went up the stairs, "It stinks of shit in here! Have you been cooking?" I threw everything in the bin. We can eat sandwiches. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30716

You deserved it

3912

Tweet

Share

By shook - United States - Clermont

Today, I crashed into a pole on purpose as a cop pulled me over for speeding. I figured the officer would feel bad for me and that the cost of fixing my car would be less than a ticket. He gave me one anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1063

You deserved it

11653

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend got into a huge fight with her mom over the phone. After the fight, she looked ready to cry so I went over to comfort her. She went straight past me, and started confiding in her creepy, extremely expensive dolls instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30612

You deserved it

3108

Tweet

Share

By nextcontestant16 - United States

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by waking him up with a blowjob, because he had always told me that it was a sexy fantasy of his. When he finally woke up, he got pissed off, rudely accused me of interrupting his beauty sleep, then soundly lay back down and fell asleep again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40841

You deserved it

4998

Tweet

Share

By hcditfi5foygy

Today, I learned that my new neighbour's car alarm goes off every time a car drives by blasting loud bass. So far, it's gone off 6 times in the last hour. I can't wait until he's done moving in here, where he and his car will stay for the next year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2356

You deserved it

127

Tweet

Share

By Snowin2007 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I loved his flaming red hair. He told me that he loved the fuzz on my butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31096

You deserved it

7493

Tweet

Share

By Angry and Confused - United States - Reno

Today, my house was broken into. The burglar didn't steal my brand new laptop, iPad or TV. They instead made off with every single item of clothing I own. When I went to turn on my TV to try and distract myself from this, I found all of the cables in back missing. The police don't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53021

You deserved it

2942

Tweet

Share

By Husband - United States - Washington

Today, I asked my husband if he wanted to visit my parents for Thanksgiving. He choked on his own spit to avoid answering the question. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10243

You deserved it

1500

Tweet

Share

By LadySteph12 - Canada

Today, the guy I was seeing put candles all over his room to make things romantic. As we were getting it on, a plastic bag caught fire next to the bed. He had the brilliant idea to wave it around to put it out. Burning pieces of plastic landed on my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22215

You deserved it

3299

Tweet

Share

By Noname - United States

Today, the kids I teach informed me that I had spelled my name incorrectly on the board. I looked at it and assured them that I had spelled it correctly. I'm 22 and a graduate student, they're six and mentally challenged. Guess who was right? FML

I agree, your life sucks

19205

You deserved it

69421

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, after a long day of cleaning, I decided to make a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch. Reaching for what I thought was Pam I coated my bread with spray and put my sandwich in the pan. Pledge makes a great looking sandwich, but the lemony flavor tastes like crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9612

You deserved it

30252

Tweet

Share

By LaLa

One nation, under rod

Today, I was fooling around with my partner after his shower. He moved my hands up to push me against the wall. Instead of hitting the wall, my hands hit the shower rod. It fell on my face and I got a bloody nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1375

You deserved it

182

Tweet

Share

By Nickname - United States

Today, I went to the emergency room for busting my lip open, I had to lie and tell them I slipped and fell. In reality I was singing with the soap bottle and slammed it into my lip. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22717

You deserved it

13819

Tweet

Share

By Jessey - United Kingdom

Today, we were having a school prize giving. I heard my name called and I walked up to the stage waving and smiling, feeling rather proud of myself. I stood by the microphone and started my acceptance speech, only to be tapped on the shoulder by the girl they actually called up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23742

You deserved it

47741

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 22/5/2020 20:00

Tasty

Today, while picking up my extremely drunk girlfriend from a party, she insisted on attempting to make out with me. She threw up in my mouth mid-kiss. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1608

You deserved it

256

Tweet

Share

By sparklethelette - United States

Today, I put a blue toilet cleaner square in the back of toilet. My fiancé called me later on freaking out because he couldn't get the "blue water to go away" when he flushed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27945

You deserved it

3479

Tweet

Share

By isaacBENNETT - United States

Today, I decided to introduce my girlfriend to my parents by telling them that we were gonna have a very special guest for dinner. While my mom was preparing the meal she asked, "What does he like?" I'm straight. My parents thought different. FML

I agree, your life sucks

89271

You deserved it

7427

Tweet

Share

By fat girl - United States - North Pole

Today, my coworkers decided to throw me a surprise baby shower. I'm not pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46464

You deserved it

5542

Tweet

Share

By DarkPain - United States

Today, I work for a boss who does everything he can to singlehandedly ruin our company and drive us into the ground. I just got an e-mail from him saying I need to be a more positive and energetic role-model for our team. Pot… meet Kettle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20254

You deserved it

2436

Tweet

Share

By marge1010 - United States

Today, the man I have been dating for 3 weeks, who told me he owns a high end restaurant in the city, handed me my lunch order through the drive-thru at Wendy's. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63850

You deserved it

9976

Tweet

Share

By NorwegianMadman

Today, nearly Christmas, my dad got mad because I don't have enough money for holiday festivities. I can't afford things because I haven't gotten my paycheck yet. I work for my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7602

You deserved it

467

Tweet

Share

By jjgirl - 1/11/2020 05:02

Weight Watchers

Today, I proudly announced to my mother that I would cut down on sugar. Without missing a beat, her response was, “Out. You need to cut it out.” FML

I agree, your life sucks

711

You deserved it

290

Tweet

Share

By Moron - Canada

Today, due to a misunderstanding, I unintentionally agreed to have a dinner date with a co-worker. He's ten years older than me. Not only do I have to find a way to reject him, but I have to work with him on weekends. The worst part is, he's the first guy to ask me out in ages. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25816

You deserved it

6523

Tweet

Share

By ProAwkward - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, as I was walking home, I noticed a man and a woman arguing in their driveway. To avoid an awkward situation, I crossed the street. I then had to walk past a creepy guy watering his plants in his underwear while looking directly at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40715

You deserved it

5833

Tweet

Share

By Useless training - United States - Saint Charles

Today, we finished a sit-up test at school. I had been training for the athletic tests, so I was proud of my score. When someone asked what I got and I shared, proud, they responded with, "I bet it helps that your fat bounces you back up." FML

I agree, your life sucks

47622

You deserved it

4731

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was expecting a call from my friend. The phone rang and I answered with "WANK!!" as a joke. It wasn't my friend on the phone, it was my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10684

You deserved it

44370

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Welshite | 39

#5775174 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:26

She must really hate My Little Pony.

By droidlover | 14

#5775171 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:26

Call the veterinarian ASAP!!

COMMENTS

By droidlover | 14

#5775171 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:26

Call the veterinarian ASAP!!

Reply

Evilpirate | 10

#5775499 - Monday 2 December 2013 6:09

Don't see how a veterinarian can help.

Reply

DistanceRunner94 | 9

#5775592 - Monday 2 December 2013 7:43

It would beHOOVE you to get help from more than just a veterinarian.

Reply

Cadillac4427 | 8

#5775604 - Monday 2 December 2013 7:51

lmao, I see what you did there, good job.

Reply

mallu86 | 9

#5775696 - Monday 2 December 2013 9:32

Congratulations #69. You do have a 20/20 vision.

By mealsonwheels | 12

#5775172 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:26

why would she want to blow up whores?

Reply

ptoka | 20

#5775200 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:32

Going to take a shot and say it's not "a whores", but instead "a house"...

Reply

184886837272837 | 32

#5775283 - Monday 2 December 2013 3:26

An acceptable typo seeing that u and r are on opposite sides of the keyboard. Easy mistake to make if you're typing without looking.

Reply

ptoka | 20

#5775293 - Monday 2 December 2013 3:33

32, who are you correcting. Is it that #2 should have said "whoues"?? Even if OP meant "house" that doesn't explain the mishap above...

Reply

mallu86 | 9

#5775699 - Monday 2 December 2013 9:36

Because they're filthy, carries diseases and take your money.

Reply

Ugi | 26

#5775788 - Monday 2 December 2013 12:11

Obviously she meant "a hearse". Death to all dead people!

Reply

mealsonwheels | 12

#5776579 - Tuesday 3 December 2013 0:21

It would appear that my joke was so funny that no one got it.

Reply

Applesarefum | 9

#5776880 - Tuesday 3 December 2013 5:06

it appears that your joke wasn't funny to begin with

Reply

BradTheBrony | 19

#5777642 - Tuesday 3 December 2013 20:45

It appears that they were being sarcastic and that most people on here bitch about when obvious sarcasm isn't understood.

By girlbye23 | 15

#5775173 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:26

Lucky she meant a horse and not your house!

Reply

Odis12 | 11

#5775633 - Monday 2 December 2013 8:17

Well perhaps the "up" was a typo. Then that takes this Fml in a completely different direction, and it's probably safe to say that you still need to get her some help.

By Welshite | 39

#5775174 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:26

She must really hate My Little Pony.

Reply

XDsmileyDX_fml | 24

#5775204 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:33

Clop clop clop.

Reply

perdix | 29

#5775242 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:52

Defs not a Pegasister.

#YOLO

Reply

slooby_fml | 25

#5775243 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:52

Maybe she's related to Alan Strang

Reply

142_cats | 13

#5775643 - Monday 2 December 2013 8:21

Everypony! RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That crazy bitch is trying to blow up Equestria.

Reply

142_cats | 13

#5775671 - Monday 2 December 2013 8:42

"YOLO is Carpe Diem for stupid people."

Reply

Lilxpie | 18

#5775851 - Monday 2 December 2013 13:31

Seems like the only thing that can save them is the friendship of magic.

Reply

CobraLazerFace | 21

#5777956 - Wednesday 4 December 2013 2:39

That or she really hates Jessica Parker...

By djkazic | 5

#5775179 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:27

Alert the neigh-bors, they could be potential targets too

Reply

KingRay | 3

#5775192 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:30

Yes and don't forget to call the pigs if you catch her doing it.

Reply

ZomBgal | 12

#5775295 - Monday 2 December 2013 3:35

Personally, I wouldn't let her know you searched her browsing history. She might have a cow...

Reply

PePziNL | 20

#5775298 - Monday 2 December 2013 3:37

She's probably too chicken to do it anyways.

Reply

djkazic | 5

#5775374 - Monday 2 December 2013 4:39

She's got some beef with you for sure, OP.

Reply

clever_name_here | 7

#5775422 - Monday 2 December 2013 5:00

If this goes on much longer, it could get hawkward.

Reply

JosephMoore77 | 8

#5775439 - Monday 2 December 2013 5:11

Hold your horses. I think it's best to talk to her about it first before we go any further

Reply

tiernang | 21

#5775440 - Monday 2 December 2013 5:11

#53 as long as no one brings up their cock, we should be fine.

Reply

TheAbstract | 15

#5775465 - Monday 2 December 2013 5:34

#7, you rang?

Reply

Soulsbane96_fml | 11

#5775524 - Monday 2 December 2013 6:36

Guys, stop joking around, this is steer-ious business.
We don't want op to be a cattletale, but they can't ignore this.

Reply

142_cats | 13

#5775657 - Monday 2 December 2013 8:32

Guys, these jokes are way too Bahhhhhhhhh-d. We have to stop horsing around. To get straight to the point, these puns are udder-ly ridiculous.

Reply

BradTheBrony | 19

#5777644 - Tuesday 3 December 2013 20:48

These jokes are bad. Fuckin'... moo or some shit.
(nailed it)

By red_headforlife | 15

#5775182 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:28

Yeah that's probably the best way to go!

Reply

mallu86 | 9

#5775702 - Monday 2 December 2013 9:37

In what world?

By golden_warrior | 23

#5775196 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:31

I thought bad behaviour was going to be mouthing off or using profanity. Calling this a bad behaviour is an understatement

By sabrinalynn22 | 19

#5775209 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:33

Well I'm sure that could be easily explained.

By Mitchman7 | 8

#5775210 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:34

well if she can't spell house correctly.I'm pretty sure you have nothing to worry about

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5775284 - Monday 2 December 2013 3:28

Yep that's it because the jails are full of literate people!

Reply

tukies | 28

#5775475 - Monday 2 December 2013 5:38

#12 well if that's the case, then I shall go rob a bank. When they try to arrest me I will tell they have nothing to worry about, because I'm dyslexic. I sometimes misspell my sdrow.

By thatkid00117 | 16

#5775214 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:36

Never look through someone's web history, you will never find anything good.