Today, concerned about my daughter's recent behavior, I looked... - FML

By Anonymous - 1/12/2013 21:43 - United States - Wailuku

Today, concerned about my daughter's recent behavior, I looked through her web browser history. I found web searches for information on how to make a bomb to blow up a "horse". I'm not sure if she's illiterate, but either way it seems I need to get her some help. FML

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Messed up

Spooky

Great guy

By inthesticks - 19/11/2016 06:21 - United States - Orlando

Today, I was cleaning off my couch so my nephew could crash here for a few nights. It's been so long since we've sat on it that it is now inhabited by rats we didn't know were in the house, including newly born ones. FML

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By Weddingbelles - 12/9/2016 15:52 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, at the end of my 10-hour shift, my manager made me count exactly how many business cards were left in inventory before I could leave. She didn't believe me when the number came to exactly 3000. She made me count them all again. FML

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By stressedoutsquaddie - 22/3/2016 21:02 - United Kingdom - York

Today, while away on training with the army, my housemates rang me to tell me some news. They had found a perfect house for next year and they had put an offer on it. The only problem? There are 5 of us and the house is for 4. Guess who hasn't been included. FML

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By MarieAmber18 - 28/5/2015 18:05 - United States - Pasadena

Today, I found out that the reason why my boyfriend has been denying me sex isn't because he is scared of someone walking in on us. It's because his blow-up doll pleasures him more than I do. FML

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By oops - 18/5/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, while I was waitressing, I bent down to pick up a menu and accidentally farted, really loud, at my table. FML

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By wheelmaker - 3/12/2018 17:30

Today, the girl I've had several passionate encounters over the past few weeks admitted we cannot entirely be together as she is married. She wants to make it work with me but cannot divorce as she would lose her visa. FML

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By anonymous - 15/6/2016 06:18 - United States - Crossville

Today, while working the drive-thru at work, an older woman asked for my phone number to give to her single son. After I politely declined, she called me a slut and threw her food at me through the window before promptly speeding off. FML

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By stolen - 11/4/2011 19:29 - United States

Today, I was robbed. They took my father's ashes. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2013 15:21 - United States

Today, I fainted. Instead of stopping to help, some guy stopped to draw a penis on my forehead. The EMT laughed. FML

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By paula434 - 5/12/2009 22:19 - United States

Today, I gave a speech at a charity event in part to help with my shyness. Nobody told me I was standing on top of an air vent. It went on. My skirt flew up, revealing my underwear to 90 people. Nobody remembers the content of my speech. FML

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By dwek - 15/5/2009 11:07 - United Kingdom

Today, while checking through the graphic novel section of my library, I noticed a gay manga porn comic. While I was wondering who in the world would ever RENT such an item, I realised I had been staring at it for a full five minutes and people were watching me. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2013 18:26 - Canada - Red Deer

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm for the first time. She's a screamer. Her dog must have thought I was attacking her, because he immediately came over and started savaging me. FML

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By fuckkkkk - 17/5/2015 06:31 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after getting my dream job and quitting old one, I was told my position is strictly "experimental" and will only last 2 months. FML

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By ihatewalmart - 29/6/2012 23:12 - United States

Today, while at work, I witnessed a kid empty his bladder all over the floor. His mother walked over, looked at me, said "yep... that just happened" and dragged him away. I'm a 30-year-old man, four credits shy of a Master's, stuck cleaning up piss at a dead-end job. FML

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By kryan012 - 20/2/2013 13:54 - United States - Savannah

Today, I heard a commercial for a great apartment complex. Includes food, snacks, entertainment, activities, cleaning service, and transportation services if you cannot drive yourself. I was really excited until the end when they repeated the name; too bad my perfect place is a senior center. FML

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By UhOh - 8/7/2011 20:38 - United States

Today, after weeks of drinking my mom's vodka and replacing it with water, it now only tastes like water. She has a habit of drinking on Fridays. Today is Friday. My life is a ticking time bomb. FML

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By fmypaint - 14/10/2009 09:31 - United States

Today, I was vigorously putting primer on my canvas for a beginning painting class. I accidentally sprayed specks of primer on the very dark painting to the right of mine. The painter is in an advanced class. She's been working on this one all semester. There's no one to her right. FML

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By bdsam - 23/1/2018 06:00

Yuck.

Today, I found out that the sleeping mask I'd been using for months was actually part of a BDSM kit. I found the rest of it in my dad's room. FML

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By Grandmas lost it - 28/8/2013 04:48 - United States - Staten Island

Today, I turned around after loading the washing machine to discover my husband's 89-year-old grandmother dropping her pants. She looked at me and said, "I hope you don't mind but when you got to go, you got to go." She then sat down on the toilet and let out a loud, long fart. FML

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By fuckmyparents - 25/1/2019 00:00

Today, the school I applied to work for told me they were not going to schedule an interview. Why? Because they think my papers and name are fake. My name is Seymour Skinner. I’m not joking. FML

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By ewmomew - 12/9/2010 04:07 - Canada

Today, I had a nice, open chat with my mother. I accidentally let slip that I'm a nymphomaniac. She accidentally let slip that my dad is bad in bed. I don't think either of us will be chatting so openly for awhile. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2009 16:32 - United States

Today, at work, my husband came in and brought me flowers and a card for our anniversary. I opened the card to find a condom. I ran over and closed the door and we immediately got at it in the middle of my office. Halfway through, I realized I have been laying on the intercom button. FML

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By blk8764 - 15/3/2011 22:35 - United States

Today, I was at the grocery store when an elderly woman walked up to me and said, "Why can't every guy be as handsome as you?" I would have been flattered by the comment, if I was a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2011 23:07 - United States

Today, I lost my phone. On the bright side, someone found it. On the downside, they won't give it back. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2014 17:39 - United States - Glendale

Today, I received a package from my deployed husband. It contained a scarf, a letter, and a bag full of his pubes. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2014 00:56 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked out the girl of my dreams. She was so excited that she had a severe asthma attack and ended up in hospital. Her answer was yes, but her parents won't let me anywhere near her now. They say I'm lucky they haven't sued me for "trying to kill her". FML

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By homerr123 - 23/12/2013 17:35 - India - Mumbai

Today, my manager rejected my leave application for Christmas. Later I found out that I'm going to be the only employee working at the office during Christmas. FML

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By Yoda - 8/7/2011 05:23 - United States

Today, my drunk father chased me down the street with my little brother's light saber screaming, "Come back Yoda! Teach me how to use the force!" FML

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By kismet_fire - 4/11/2014 22:57 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a customer yelled at me because I gave her a wrinkled bag. I work in retail, and the bags are all cheap plastic. She wouldn't stop, even when I gave her 3 different bags. FML

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By allergic - 21/10/2010 03:12 - France

Today, I found out that I have a gluten allergy. What this basically means is that I can't eat anything with wheat in it; bread, pasta, cake, you name it. I am Italian, this basically limits me from eating any of the awesome food my family makes almost every night. Here I come plain rice. FML

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By Unluggee - 4/6/2009 10:38 - United Kingdom

Today, at a party, my three friends and I thought it would be fun to urinate in a jug. We dislike the neighbours, so decided to throw the contents of the jug over the fence into their garden. It hit a tree and splashed back. I ended up covered in our piss. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2016 23:36 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was told that if I was caught yawning again, I'd be fired. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2013 14:39 - United States

Today, I realized that getting wasted before finals is not a good idea. I sat down in the test hall, reached into my bag for a pencil, and found instead three baby carrots and a spoon. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2011 15:33 - United States

Today, I went to dinner with friends for my birthday. During the whole thing they insisted that we get whatever we wanted and celebrate, but when the check came, they all looked at me expectantly. I just bought my friends $150 of food for my birthday present. FML

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By BagBoy - 13/11/2013 06:42 - United States

Today, I was taking out a customer's groceries when he offered me a $5 tip. I told him I couldn't accept, since it's against store policy, but thanked him anyway. He called me an asshole just as my boss was walking to his car, who then yelled at me for it. FML

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By wetqueefa - 3/2/2013 09:58 - United States - Union City

Today, I walked in on my mom drenched in tears, barely able to speak. I ran to get her some tissues and a nice cup of tea to calm her down. After a few minutes of sitting in silence, I asked her if she wanted to talk about what happened. She watched an episode of Gossip Girl. FML

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By eslteacher - 13/5/2009 04:39 - Korea Republic of

Today, while teaching English in Korea, my boss gave me a birthday present from her and all of my co-workers. It was a really fancy box. It had very nice wrapping. It had a pretty bow. It was kind of heavy. It was 6 bottles of dandruff shampoo. FML

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By Terri-Lynn - 30/5/2012 20:25 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I figured out why my doctor repeatedly warned me to keep regular bowel movements while I recover from childbirth. I now have an anal fissure. It's like giving birth all over again. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2010 11:22 - Australia

Today, I missed my history exam because they'd changed the day. Apparently they sent out an email to let everyone know. Too bad I'd banned myself from the internet in order to study for the exam. FML

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By faitesdesgosses - 19/5/2014 14:27 - France - Mantes-la-ville

Today, I asked my 7-year-old daughter what job she would like when she grows up. She calmly replied that she wouldn't have one; she'd just bring her husband round to my place and steal food from me. FML

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Top comments

By Welshite | 39

#5775174 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:26

She must really hate My Little Pony.

By droidlover | 14

#5775171 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:26

Call the veterinarian ASAP!!

COMMENTS

By droidlover | 14

#5775171 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:26

Call the veterinarian ASAP!!

Reply

Evilpirate | 10

#5775499 - Monday 2 December 2013 6:09

Don't see how a veterinarian can help.

Reply

DistanceRunner94 | 9

#5775592 - Monday 2 December 2013 7:43

It would beHOOVE you to get help from more than just a veterinarian.

Reply

Cadillac4427 | 8

#5775604 - Monday 2 December 2013 7:51

lmao, I see what you did there, good job.

Reply

mallu86 | 9

#5775696 - Monday 2 December 2013 9:32

Congratulations #69. You do have a 20/20 vision.

By mealsonwheels | 12

#5775172 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:26

why would she want to blow up whores?

Reply

ptoka | 20

#5775200 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:32

Going to take a shot and say it's not "a whores", but instead "a house"...

Reply

184886837272837 | 32

#5775283 - Monday 2 December 2013 3:26

An acceptable typo seeing that u and r are on opposite sides of the keyboard. Easy mistake to make if you're typing without looking.

Reply

ptoka | 20

#5775293 - Monday 2 December 2013 3:33

32, who are you correcting. Is it that #2 should have said "whoues"?? Even if OP meant "house" that doesn't explain the mishap above...

Reply

mallu86 | 9

#5775699 - Monday 2 December 2013 9:36

Because they're filthy, carries diseases and take your money.

Reply

Ugi | 26

#5775788 - Monday 2 December 2013 12:11

Obviously she meant "a hearse". Death to all dead people!

Reply

mealsonwheels | 12

#5776579 - Tuesday 3 December 2013 0:21

It would appear that my joke was so funny that no one got it.

Reply

Applesarefum | 9

#5776880 - Tuesday 3 December 2013 5:06

it appears that your joke wasn't funny to begin with

Reply

BradTheBrony | 19

#5777642 - Tuesday 3 December 2013 20:45

It appears that they were being sarcastic and that most people on here bitch about when obvious sarcasm isn't understood.

By girlbye23 | 15

#5775173 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:26

Lucky she meant a horse and not your house!

Reply

Odis12 | 11

#5775633 - Monday 2 December 2013 8:17

Well perhaps the "up" was a typo. Then that takes this Fml in a completely different direction, and it's probably safe to say that you still need to get her some help.

By Welshite | 39

#5775174 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:26

She must really hate My Little Pony.

Reply

XDsmileyDX_fml | 24

#5775204 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:33

Clop clop clop.

Reply

perdix | 29

#5775242 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:52

Defs not a Pegasister.

#YOLO

Reply

slooby_fml | 25

#5775243 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:52

Maybe she's related to Alan Strang

Reply

142_cats | 13

#5775643 - Monday 2 December 2013 8:21

Everypony! RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That crazy bitch is trying to blow up Equestria.

Reply

142_cats | 13

#5775671 - Monday 2 December 2013 8:42

"YOLO is Carpe Diem for stupid people."

Reply

Lilxpie | 18

#5775851 - Monday 2 December 2013 13:31

Seems like the only thing that can save them is the friendship of magic.

Reply

CobraLazerFace | 21

#5777956 - Wednesday 4 December 2013 2:39

That or she really hates Jessica Parker...

By djkazic | 5

#5775179 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:27

Alert the neigh-bors, they could be potential targets too

Reply

KingRay | 3

#5775192 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:30

Yes and don't forget to call the pigs if you catch her doing it.

Reply

ZomBgal | 12

#5775295 - Monday 2 December 2013 3:35

Personally, I wouldn't let her know you searched her browsing history. She might have a cow...

Reply

PePziNL | 20

#5775298 - Monday 2 December 2013 3:37

She's probably too chicken to do it anyways.

Reply

djkazic | 5

#5775374 - Monday 2 December 2013 4:39

She's got some beef with you for sure, OP.

Reply

clever_name_here | 7

#5775422 - Monday 2 December 2013 5:00

If this goes on much longer, it could get hawkward.

Reply

JosephMoore77 | 8

#5775439 - Monday 2 December 2013 5:11

Hold your horses. I think it's best to talk to her about it first before we go any further

Reply

tiernang | 21

#5775440 - Monday 2 December 2013 5:11

#53 as long as no one brings up their cock, we should be fine.

Reply

TheAbstract | 14

#5775465 - Monday 2 December 2013 5:34

#7, you rang?

Reply

Soulsbane96_fml | 11

#5775524 - Monday 2 December 2013 6:36

Guys, stop joking around, this is steer-ious business.
We don't want op to be a cattletale, but they can't ignore this.

Reply

142_cats | 13

#5775657 - Monday 2 December 2013 8:32

Guys, these jokes are way too Bahhhhhhhhh-d. We have to stop horsing around. To get straight to the point, these puns are udder-ly ridiculous.

Reply

BradTheBrony | 19

#5777644 - Tuesday 3 December 2013 20:48

These jokes are bad. Fuckin'... moo or some shit.
(nailed it)

By red_headforlife | 15

#5775182 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:28

Yeah that's probably the best way to go!

Reply

mallu86 | 9

#5775702 - Monday 2 December 2013 9:37

In what world?

By golden_warrior | 23

#5775196 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:31

I thought bad behaviour was going to be mouthing off or using profanity. Calling this a bad behaviour is an understatement

By sabrinalynn22 | 19

#5775209 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:33

Well I'm sure that could be easily explained.

By Mitchman7 | 8

#5775210 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:34

well if she can't spell house correctly.I'm pretty sure you have nothing to worry about

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5775284 - Monday 2 December 2013 3:28

Yep that's it because the jails are full of literate people!

Reply

tukies | 28

#5775475 - Monday 2 December 2013 5:38

#12 well if that's the case, then I shall go rob a bank. When they try to arrest me I will tell they have nothing to worry about, because I'm dyslexic. I sometimes misspell my sdrow.

By thatkid00117 | 16

#5775214 - Monday 2 December 2013 2:36

Never look through someone's web history, you will never find anything good.