Work: Today, while working at a hotel, I had a guest return his room... - FML

By HotelNA614 - United States - Mason

Today, while working at a hotel, I had a guest return his room key in my hands for once instead of throwing it on the counter. Progress, right? Except that it was covered in snot. FML

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Proactive

Zoom this, bitches!

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By dancerr2210 - United States

Today, after making out with my boyfriend for the first time, it took me an hour to convince him he was still a virgin. FML

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By Anonymous

It's only a bit of liquid fun, come on!

Today, I asked the guy I'm dating if he could not drink on our next date, because he ends up drunk-driving every time. His response was, "This isn't working out." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chevy Chase

Today, I just landed in Washington, DC. Unfortunately, I also took off from Washington DC an hour ago. FML

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By ChaoticGamer - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to a horrible smell only to realize that my dog had peed all over my leg cast during the night. I can't get another one because the closest doctors are all on Christmas vacation. Guess this is an early Christmas present from my dog. FML

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By nano123

Played yourself

Today, I gave myself a hickey on my bicep just to know how it feels. I'm a 28-year-old virgin and yes, that's possible. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I managed to bruise my nipple by closing an umbrella on it. The stupidity of the whole thing hurts almost as much as the injury. FML

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By luvizwar - Australia

Today, it is my boyfriend's and my one year anniversary. I bought him a Playstation 2. As soon as I gave it to him, he went straight to set it up without giving me anything. I said "What about me?" He walked over to me, gave me a kiss and said "I love it when you buy me things for no reason." FML

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So romantic!

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend on my boat at the lake. As we were looking at the mountains all around us, she playfully pushed me off the side into the water. As I got back on the boat, I realized that not only was my cellphone dead, but the ring had fallen into the deep water. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I met my birth father for the first time. The first thing he told me was that if I ever get arrested, I should give him a call so his guys on the inside can look after me. I don't think there's going to be a second meeting. FML

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By Lou - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the supermarket; it was taking me ages to walk home because of the heavy food bags. Halfway home, I realised I had gone in my car. I had to walk all the way back to get my car. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, at school, everybody wanted to be my partner for a project. This surprised me because nobody ever wants to be with me. Turns out when I was absent, my teacher promised that whoever was my partner would get extra points on the project. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was hungover and had to run to put the rubbish out for the bin lorry, only I was so hungover I forgot I was only wearing an open dressing gown and no underwear. A few neighbours and passing cars got to see me swinging in the breeze. FML

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By SGreene

Today, a storm dropped a tree across my road. I would have moved it with my tractor, but there was a tree on that too. FML

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By Spraylady - United Kingdom

Today, I think my unborn child has developed a sense of humour. The little cherub is usually very calm, but must have realised that if he/she kicks me hard enough in this particular place near my bladder, I'll piss myself on the spot like a race horse. It's happened twice now. FML

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By LucklessNiceGuy - United States

Today, I was fired from my job on account of "sexual harassment" toward female employees. The harassment? Jokingly offering them foot massages when they were complaining about how their feet ached after a long shift, and complimenting them about their appearance when they felt down. FML

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By Some Girl - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents. Right when I arrived, his little sister said, "She's a lot fatter than you said!" FML

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By losingstreak - United States

Caught

Today, I was looking at porn on my laptop when my mom came into my room to talk to me. After she finished what she was saying, she paused and said, "You know, I can see the reflection of your computer screen in your glasses." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I shot a paintball gun at a bees' nest. The bees flew through my neighbors' windows and, for lack of a better word, slaughtered them. An ambulance was called, and I feel like a total dick. FML

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By fmylife - Malaysia

Today, I downloaded porn and saved it on my desktop. After watching it, I couldn't delete it, and now it is stuck on the desktop. It is a shared computer. FML

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By betray the betrayer - 10/10/2020 17:02 - United States

Blabbermouth

Today, after a lifetime of my mom being a huge gossip, even about her own kids, and lying about being the one spreading it around, my siblings and I have decided to stop telling my mom things. Now she lays these huge guilt trips on us, just because we don’t want the world to know our business. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2020 17:00

Time don't heal nothing

Today, I was sitting in my garden with my younger sister when she told me that she'd found pictures of me from a decade ago. She also told me that I've changed a lot over the years, because back then I was still pretty. My neighbours overheard it and started laughing out loud. FML

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By nicolette5785452 - United States

Today, I shadowed an ultrasound technician for my future career. She did an ultrasound on me to show me how to do the job. I found out I was pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2020 02:02

Who the fuck are you?

Today, I finally mustered up the courage to send a message to the girl I've been crushing on for years. I'm now blocked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I changed my phone number because my old one belonged to a prostitute. My new one belongs to a debtor. FML

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By reckless182 - United States

Today, I had to tell my 10 year old son that me and his father are getting a divorce. His reply? "Yes! I call living with dad!" FML

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By Teaching - United States

Today, I was reading my students' Halloween stories I made them write for my creative writing class in high school. One of my students wrote about attacking me. She got my street address perfect and everything. FML

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By blenderbookf - United States

Today, my dad was completely engrossed in a football game on TV, so, trying to be cute and funny, my mom flashed him. He didn't notice, but I did. FML

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By FuglyBetty - Norway - Arendal

Today, while doing the grocery shopping with my boyfriend we came across another woman also out shopping, who looked shockingly like me despite her being another race, hair color and the like. The second he saw her, he blurted out, ''Oh, it's a pretty version of you!'' FML

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By roobb - Canada

Today, I saw my girlfriend with an older guy who I thought was her dad, I went over to introduce myself. And then turned around and walked away very fast as I saw them make out. My girlfriend is cheating on me with someone as old as my dad. FML

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By ADH2000 - United States

Today, I had a job interview. I stopped to take a pee in the lobby before I went in. I relaxed a bit too much at the urinal and accidentally farted. I chuckled about it like a 5-year old for a few seconds. The guy that had been next to me at the urinal was the interviewer. FML

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By Justme - United States - Missoula

Today, while I was riding the bus to work, I noticed the guy sitting across from me had shorts on. He also had no underwear on and I could fully see his "parts" just hanging there. I decided to switch seats but as I stood up to move, the bus jerked. I fell face forward right into his "parts". FML

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By Tom

Today, a car hit me. I didn't get hurt, but someone called 911. The old woman who had hit me got out of the car with no problem to look at me, and gets back into the car. When the police arrive, she pulls out crutches and said I made strange faces and made her hit me. I got blamed. FML

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By James - 31/1/2021 20:00

Noise annoys

Today, I was apparently too noisy when I left for work. My options are either try to be more quiet when I leave or set my alarm later and then have no time for breakfast. I share a room with my nephew and I walk to work. FML

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By whattalife - United States

Today, out of sheer boredom, I took a career personality test. The "best match" for me was the position of funeral director. Not only do I have a promising future with death, I got genuinely excited at how accurate the result was. FML

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By bakerysux - United States - San Antonio

Today, at work, a customer cried because the cake I made her was not "exactly" the same as the display. I'm the one who made the display and it was the same but the display cake had faded a bit, since it had been there for a month. I'd mentioned this to the customer when she placed the order. FML

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By Anonymous

Twister

Today, while making out in my car, the guy I was with decided it'd be a great idea to stick his tongue in my ear. He shoved it in so far that my ear still feels wet four hours later. FML

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By ohwell - United States

Today, I finally confessed to the guy I've liked for 2 years. I told him that I've really liked him for a long time and that I knew he had a girlfriend and I didn't expect anything from him, I just wanted him to know. His response: "Are you done? 'Cause I need to go to the bathroom." FML

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By bathroomgirl - United States

Today, thinking I was alone in a public bathroom, I started singing the words to my favorite song. A minute later that I heard a toilet flush, so I just sat there petrified. The other person sarcastically picked up the singing from where I left off. FML

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By totallyscrewedomg - United States

Today, my parents, not trusting me and my boyfriend, told us to call them in the middle of our movie so they could hear it, and prove we weren't up to no good. Well, I called. Just as a raging sex scene started. FML

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By poluxe - France

Today, I tried to hint to my husband that we needed a new washing machine. I mentioned that we got our current one way back on our wedding day. He replied, "Yeah, and I got you too." FML

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Top comments

By tranced_ | 44

#7642151 - Friday 1 June 2018 21:02

Sometimes people act like animals.. It's snot fair!

By bsshooter | 14

#7642203 - Friday 1 June 2018 23:39

I hope it was snot, and not something else.... ewwww

COMMENTS

By hellboy5099 | 18

#7642145 - Friday 1 June 2018 20:52

You should have gave him a shake hands 🤝🤝🤝🤝🤝

By tranced_ | 44

#7642151 - Friday 1 June 2018 21:02

Sometimes people act like animals.. It's snot fair!

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7642164 - Friday 1 June 2018 21:28

Well that's snot very nice!

By RichardPencil | 30

#7642166 - Friday 1 June 2018 21:36

You should assess him an exorbitant Dirty Key Fee and make him pay through the nose!

By bsshooter | 14

#7642203 - Friday 1 June 2018 23:39

I hope it was snot, and not something else.... ewwww

By Ed Munson | 14

#7642279 - Saturday 2 June 2018 5:40

Well, you HOPE it was just snot...

By BiGTiMeNeRD | 29

#7642285 - Saturday 2 June 2018 6:36

I'm gonna be very blunt with you. You touched a man's ejaculate.

By joonsson | 20

#7642293 - Saturday 2 June 2018 7:37

Shoukd charge him san extra fee for that.

By Davros | 12

#7642324 - Saturday 2 June 2018 11:21

yeah snot, let's go with that.

By Cru242 | 2

#7642513 - Saturday 2 June 2018 21:58

You sure it was snot? Either way, that's disgusting.