Today, while working at a hotel, I had a guest return his room... - FML

By HotelNA614 - United States - Mason

Today, while working at a hotel, I had a guest return his room key in my hands for once instead of throwing it on the counter. Progress, right? Except that it was covered in snot. FML

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Rock, hard place

Fear factor

Thanks for the miracle

By kubbyp - Canada - Ottawa

Today, while reading the paper I saw a picture of a guy I really like that I met online. The picture is in the obituaries. No wonder he hasn't called. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, I tried buying alcohol for the first time. I have a baby face, so I had my ID ready. The store owner admitted that my ID looked real enough, but he wouldn't believe it wasn't just an elaborate fake. He very nearly called the cops on me. FML

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By Lmop68 - Canada

Today, I saw my crush waving me over from the other end of the parking lot. I ran quickly to greet him, but in my excitement didn't take note of the giant Hummer backing out. I broke two ribs and all my crush was trying to do was warn me of the moving vehicle I was about to run into. FML

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By khlonnae - United States - Dayton

Today, while hanging out with my boyfriend, I started getting ready for bed. As I grabbed my face wipes, he said, “Wait, don't take off your makeup because then you'll be ugly.“ FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that I sometimes talk in my sleep. After spending an amazing, perfectly romantic night with my boyfriend, I woke up to him telling me to leave. I have no idea what I could have said. He still won't talk to me. FML

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By Idiot says "HIPAA violation" - United States - Roanoke

Today, another idiot was admitted to my hospital with a foreign object up his ass. Yet again, the excuse went along the lines of "I tripped and fell on it." Please, someone tell me how you can accidentally trip anus-first onto the end of a cucumber, which just so happens to have a condom on it. FML

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By Jordan - Australia - Wahroonga

Today, my boyfriend told me that he believes getting kicked in the balls is a scientifically-proven method of birth control. FML

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By BlueSuit - United States - New York

Today, my boss gave me some mentorship. She told me, "You need to learn to let people do things for you. Until then, I'm going to micromanage your project because I want it done my way." FML

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By laststand11 - Reserved

Today, I received a very expensive bottle of wine for Christmas. My alcoholic mother snuck into my house while I was out and drank the whole bottle. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Wageningen

Today, I got written up with a final warning because I ''drink alcoholic beverages'' at work. I was drinking Root Beer. FML

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By omfgmaya - Denmark

Today, my boyfriend brought me to his place to meet his parents. When they saw me, they laughed. FML

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By Couch Potato - United States - Elk Grove

Today, my girlfriend got mad at me because I slept on the couch last night. She also seems to have forgotten that we had an argument last night, after which she stormed into our bedroom and locked me out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Irvine

Today, I was at the mall with a couple of friends when we saw a couple of cute boys. I made eye contact with the cutest one. Flustered, I giggled, only to send a wad of snot flying out of my nose. FML

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By RiverRunsRed

Gamers rise up

Today, I've been debating all day on whether I'm going to have to sell some of my video games to afford pads. FML

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By ClearOne - United States

Today, I finally came to terms with the fact that my girlfriend considers me a glorified ATM. FML

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By ick - United States

Today, I was repainting the walls in my room. While painting, I noticed a dark spot on the wall that wouldn't seem to go away no matter how much paint I put on it. A bucket of paint and hours later, I realized that "dark spot" was a shadow. FML

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By cuntocracy - Australia

Today, my brother asked me if I wanted to see a magic trick. I stupidly said yes and now have a black eye from where he punched me. My dad thinks it's hilarious and my mum says he didn't know any better. He's 13. FML

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By cauteriseme - United Kingdom

Today, as the clock struck twelve for the new year, I was in the bathroom having a nosebleed. FML

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By GreenMonstR - United States

Today, I was at the store with my wife. As we were walking out, I helped an elderly woman get through the door. As I was opening the door, my foot got stuck on the door and my face was catapulted into the woman's breasts. It wasn't until we got into the car that my wife burst into hysterics. FML

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By zappy - United States

Today, I decided to see if electric dog collars work on human necks. They do. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Swindon

Arse!

Today, I was watching TV with my grandma. She was looking for the remote, blindly trying to put her hand into the sofa. Instead, she shoved her hand down the back of my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Good catch

Today, my father came over to my house. I realized there were condoms on the table, so I subtly moved a vase to hide them. He then gave me an unamused look and said, "I know you have sex. You've been married for nine years. Grow the fuck up, dumbass." FML

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By OhDearGodGrandad - United Kingdom - Ilford

Today, I saw my grandfather on the train, with his cock out. FML

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By anonymous - United States - League City

Today, my mom came into my room, yelling at me about a pregnancy test that she found in my bathroom. My mom wouldn't believe me when I said it wasn't mine. Turns out my sister bought the test, threw it under my bathroom cabinet, and now she won't admit to the prank. She thinks this is hilarious. FML

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By amorousintx - United States

Today, my grad student husband was unusually frisky in the middle of the day. I took the opportunity and we had an enjoyable afternoon romp. Afterward, I asked him what had gotten him in such a good mood. He replied, "I'd do just about anything to get out of doing my homework." FML

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By Moron with reflexes

Today, I thought I felt a spider crawling by my eye. Having a huge fear of spiders, like an idiot, I lamped myself in square in the eye. I now have a partial black eye because of what turned out to be a feather. FML

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By phlyingphuck - United States

Today, my mother finally pressured me to wear my old helmet while riding my bike. Halfway through my ride, 3 spiders came crawling out of it and onto my face, causing me to lose control of the bike and crash head-first. FML

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By Bethany - United States - Cable

Today, yet again, I was getting intimate with my shower head. Some complete genius decided to flush the toilet downstairs halfway through, which sent scalding-hot water all up in my privates. I've yet to find a comfortable sitting position. FML

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By ilook12 - United States - Paris

Today, we had customer complaints of a child molester hanging around our restaurant. After confrontation by a manager, he wouldn't leave. I had to be walked to my car after my shift by more than one person because I look 12 and they were afraid for me. I'm almost 19. FML

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By Ania - United States

Today, I went shopping with my mom. I went into my department and tried on some clothes. After a few minutes, there is an announcement that a child has gone missing. Staff are searching the store. I see my mom and she hugs me in tears and yells, "I found her!" I'm almost 17. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Minneapolis

Today, the new security guard of my apartment building tackled me for "suspicious behavior" while I was taking a bag full of dirty kitty litter to the trash chute. He broke my arm and cause the trash bag to explode. When I got back from the hospital, I was fined for littering in the hallway. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was released from jail. I had helped a three year old girl get up after falling on a wet floor at the mall last night when the security guards tasered me. Only this morning did they tell me they had mistaken me for a child molester that looks a little bit like me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, my mom asked why my three-year-old son is named Trevor. After I told her it was from my favorite game, GTA V, she hit me over the head with a shoe. FML

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By sadSarah - United States - New York

Today, as I was waiting in line to give my mom her birthday present, my dad gave her the exact same gift I'd also bought for her. FML

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By jmac - United States

Today, I dropped a knife while cooking. Luckily it missed my foot, but only because it hit my knee. FML

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By Anonymous - Romania - Bucharest

Today, my boyfriend threw a fit because I "still" live with my mother at age 30. I bought her an apartment in my building and hired a live-in nurse because she is senile and permanently bedridden. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I opened my email expecting to see messages from my friends and family wishing me a happy birthday, but there were none. There were Happy Birthday messages from Pizza Hut and Victoria's Secret, however. FML

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By Official_Person - United States

Today, I got married. My new husband wanted to carry me over the threshold of our apartment, but he couldn't pick me up. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I pulled into a parking lot and waited for a car to back out so I could take their spot. The apparently batshit insane psychopath in the other car managed to completely overlook me waving him out, and backed straight into my car. FML

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By Welcome to Florida

Psssssych!

Today, my son's glasses were missing. My bathroom is not well lit, but I noticed something sticking out from under the toilet seat. I excitedly grabbed it, thinking I saw the band of the glasses. Nope, it was a snake. FML

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Top comments

By tranced_ | 44

#7642151 - Friday 1 June 2018 21:02

Sometimes people act like animals.. It's snot fair!

By bsshooter | 14

#7642203 - Friday 1 June 2018 23:39

I hope it was snot, and not something else.... ewwww

COMMENTS

By hellboy5099 | 18

#7642145 - Friday 1 June 2018 20:52

You should have gave him a shake hands 🤝🤝🤝🤝🤝

By tranced_ | 44

#7642151 - Friday 1 June 2018 21:02

Sometimes people act like animals.. It's snot fair!

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7642164 - Friday 1 June 2018 21:28

Well that's snot very nice!

By RichardPencil | 28

#7642166 - Friday 1 June 2018 21:36

You should assess him an exorbitant Dirty Key Fee and make him pay through the nose!

By bsshooter | 14

#7642203 - Friday 1 June 2018 23:39

I hope it was snot, and not something else.... ewwww

By Ed Munson | 14

#7642279 - Saturday 2 June 2018 5:40

Well, you HOPE it was just snot...

By BiGTiMeNeRD | 29

#7642285 - Saturday 2 June 2018 6:36

I'm gonna be very blunt with you. You touched a man's ejaculate.

By joonsson | 20

#7642293 - Saturday 2 June 2018 7:37

Shoukd charge him san extra fee for that.

By Davros | 12

#7642324 - Saturday 2 June 2018 11:21

yeah snot, let's go with that.

By Cru242 | 2

#7642513 - Saturday 2 June 2018 21:58

You sure it was snot? Either way, that's disgusting.