By sammy - 26/3/2020 04:59 - Australia

Not now, dude!

Today, I was working at the checkout. Trying to be hygienic, I suppressed a sneeze. I continued to serve the next person. As I was giving her her change, she looked at me with a horrified expression. I looked down and my shirt was covered in a trail of snot all the way to my belt. FML

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The smell detective is on the case

Roommate from hell

Public transport FTW

By Dan

Today, I put some Gold Bond in between my legs to help reduce moisture. After I finished applying it, I discovered that the Gold Bond had Menthol in it. My crotch is on fire. FML

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By happyasaclam - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend were hooking up while watching a movie. Just as I was getting really into it, he told me to move my head. He couldn't see the television. FML

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By Anonymous - Spain - Zaragoza

Today, an old friend of mine landed in Spain, where he's visiting me. After a few minutes talking about where we should meet, we realized the reason he couldn't figure out where it was, was probably due to the fact that he was in Barcelona. I live in Madrid. FML

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By Username - Australia

Today, I was really stressed, so I tried to let it out by crying. It lasted about 30 seconds, and I was making fun of myself the whole time. Even my subconscious thinks I'm pathetic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my soccer team got our warm up t-shirts that say "You can hit on us, but you can't score." After the game, a guy behind my friend asks, "Hey what does the front of your shirt say?" I replied for her, "You can hit on us." He looked at me and my friend and said, "No thanks." FML

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By FrustratedTutor - United States - Andover

Today, the kid I was tutoring told me that "pirates were a myth. Like the Greeks and Romans." He's 16. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I walked ten miles to pick up my car from the towing station. Turns out there was enough change for the parking meter in the glovebox after all. FML

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By crossl17

Today, I bought a new $10,000 car since my old one broke down. Today, I also found out the old one wasn’t starting because i never had it in park. FML

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By maxkeyftw - United States - Clovis

Today, I was at the dentist getting a cavity fixed for the first time. The dentist showed me the drill and other tools, and referred to them as things like "Mr. Bumpy Brush". I'm 15. She thought I was "special". FML

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By december2009 - United States

Today, I woke up to realize that the guy who took my virginity last night also took my flat screen TV. FML

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By alone - Australia

Today, I arranged to have some flowers delivered at work for Valentine's Day so that my colleagues will think someone likes me. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2021 08:01 - United Kingdom - Leeds

It's a cult

Today, I found out via Facebook that my once-favourite aunt has fully bought into the QAnon bullshit about the "stolen" US election, bible quotes and all. We live in the UK. FML

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By TeaSea

Today, I told my class I was giving them 60 seconds to do a problem. A girl replied furiously "At least give us one minute!!" I teach a high school honors math class. FML

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By JaneVI - United Kingdom

Today, I got an e-mail from my seminar tutor asking why I wasn't in class. I was sitting next to him. FML

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By pat - United Kingdom

Today, I got fired from my job as a postman, which I started yesterday. They fired me because I failed to deliver a bunch of papers to a road that no longer exists. FML

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By misterhippo - United States

Today, I texted the hottest girl in the school saying, "I really like you, we should date". She responded with a text saying, "Sorry, I'm not into you." I then got a text saying, "Sorry, my brother stole my phone, and answered, but still it's no". I got rejected twice. Once by a man. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Noblesville

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head on the living room couch. Apparently his two cats didn't approve, and they started attacking my face. Luckily for him, since my boyfriend was holding my head down, his privates didn't get a scratch. FML

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By Username - Canada

Today, I hit a new low when I caught myself eating the chocolates that were meant to be part of my boyfriend's Christmas presents. FML

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By Voice29 - United States

Today, I bought my girlfriend two tickets to a Broadway show that was coming through town she really wanted to see. I couldn't attend with her due to work so she said she would take her mom. I found out later she took her ex. Now they're back together, and I paid for the date that made it happen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I am two months pregnant. Being super hormonal, I was crying about how much I was crying. My husband put his arms around me to comfort me, and I sobbed so hard that I threw up all over him. FML

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By ugh. - United States - Palo Alto

Full house

Today, after waiting two months to attend a very important course, I finally got to go. This is the same day I caught a horrible cold, got Auntie Flow’s monthly visit, my IBS flared up, and my acid reflux as well. So here I go, crampy, constipated, congested, and gassy. FML

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By david - United States

Today, I decided to smoke a cigarette while I was driving to work. I was also eating french fries during the drive. I had never realized how much a cigarette feels like a french fry. In conclusion, cigarettes don't taste very good when you bite into them. FML

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By tbree - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my dad to take me to the store so I could get some feminine hygiene products. When we got there, he went running down the aisles yelling, "Help! My daughter's bleeding to death! Where're the tampons?!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tallahassee

Today, my boyfriend thought it'd be romantic to take me to a strip club for our 1-year anniversary. FML

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By absentminded - United States

Today, I went to online to find out why my midterm grade is for my least favorite class Psychology. After weeks upon weeks of studying and doing work for a class I hate I found out that I have a zero in the class. Turns out I've been going to the wrong psychology class all semester. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I arrived at my apartment to find the door kicked in. Inside, I found my TV, Xbox, stereo, CDs, and laptop had all been stolen. When my roommate got home, I told him about it, to which he replied, "Yeah, I left my keys inside this morning, so I kicked the door in to get them." He left with the door kicked in. FML

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By Ashley J. - United States

Today, my family gathered at my 96 year old great-grandmother's surprise birthday party that was my idea. When she walked in, we surprised her so much that she literally had a heart attack. She is now in the hospital. FML

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By NoWedding - United States

Today, I made a joke about having a wedding to my mom and she told me not to joke about something that will probably never happen. FML

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By Flutie

Today, I went to a haunted house with my fiancé. A few minutes in, I saw someone following us so I turned and screamed. She ran off and my fiancé explained that she wasn't an actor, just a lady with a pigment disorder. I can never go back there again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gainesville

Today, my eight-year-old microwaved our thermometer to see if the temperature would change. FML

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By ipopnlok - Australia

Romance is dead

Today, I planned a romantic dinner with rose petals, the whole lot, for my ex-girlfriend to win her back. When I took her to my house, I told her to guess what I had planned, to which she replied, "I hope it's not a stupid romantic dinner with rose petals and shit." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to tan naked in a secluded part of my yard, so I wouldn't get tan lines. I even felt adventurous enough to leave my bikini and towel inside. This idea backfired however when my mom stopped home from work, assumed I wasn't home, and locked all the doors before she left again. FML

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By Anon Y. Mous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned what being stabbed in the leg by an ex feels like. FML

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By Anonymous - Taiwan - Taipei

Today, I'm so broke that I had to call in sick to work because I couldn't afford to pay my bus fare. FML

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By Avnirvana - 7/10/2020 23:01 - United States

Fair analysis

Today, I seriously considered writing in SCP-106 for president. I hate both candidates so much, I would willingly take President Radical Larry. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my sister's wedding, I got my 15 month old son to 'sign' the big guest book. I gave him a pen and was hoping for a cute little squiggle or something. But no, he managed to draw something that looked uncannily like a big swastika. FML

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By

Hard to believe

Today, I tried to have sex with my boyfriend three times, but every time he insisted that he wasn't in the mood. I left to get food and when I came home he was masturbating. FML

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By lonely - Canada - Granby

Saturday Night Fever-ish

Today, I invited a bunch of friends over to hang out and watch a movie. It's been two hours since everyone was supposed to turn up, and no one has showed. Thanks, friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2020 20:03

Tidy your room

Today, I woke up and stepped on a wet jacket. After smelling what it was, it turns out the cat had peed all over my laundry, especially the waterproof jacket, and after attempting to clean it up, it dripped everywhere and the entire apartment now smells like cat piss. FML

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By raynbowsend - Malaysia

Today, I had an appraisal meeting with the Boss. She raved and gushed and told me what a great job I was doing. Then she said "Well done, Eric". Eric is not my name. She froze, opened a new file and told me my actual appraisal, which was the complete opposite of everything she had just said. FML

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Top comments

By pjsr | 32

#7892446 - Thursday 26 March 2020 5:15

That snot funny

By Ambrily | 27

#7892612 - Thursday 26 March 2020 20:11

To be fair, that would have left me horrified even in a non pandemic time.

COMMENTS

By pjsr | 32

#7892446 - Thursday 26 March 2020 5:15

That snot funny

By jkjorn | 15

#7892575 - Thursday 26 March 2020 15:49

When you nose is runny
You may think its funny
But it snot

By Ambrily | 27

#7892612 - Thursday 26 March 2020 20:11

To be fair, that would have left me horrified even in a non pandemic time.