By sammy - 26/3/2020 04:59 - Australia

Not now, dude!

Today, I was working at the checkout. Trying to be hygienic, I suppressed a sneeze. I continued to serve the next person. As I was giving her her change, she looked at me with a horrified expression. I looked down and my shirt was covered in a trail of snot all the way to my belt. FML

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Out of it

In my day…

Empathy hurts

By Anonymous - 25/1/2016 01:24 - Dominican Republic - Santo Domingo

Today, I was leaving the house to go on a date. My dad stopped me at the door and said confidently, "Tear that pussy up, son." I'm gay and my dad knows that. FML

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By anonymous - 3/8/2009 07:37 - Taiwan

Today, my cousins and I were bored so we began talking about weird dreams we've had. My little cousin turns to me and says "I had a dream you were in a beauty contest. You lost badly". FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2016 17:54 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, some muscle-head showed up at my house and started beating on me. Turned out my son had been posing online as a Navy SEAL, using a picture of me, and had dared this guy to come over and fight him. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2012 23:50 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was yelled at by a customer, who was upset over having waited twenty minutes for a waiter to come take her order. Maybe it would be understandable, if she was sitting in an actual restaurant, and not a serve-yourself coffee house. FML

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By henley - 23/7/2012 01:33

Today, I told my boyfriend that I didn't want to go out with him because I was having a fat day. After ten minutes of fighting, he threw a ring box on the floor and stormed out. I basically refused his proposal because of my body issues. FML

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By Fired - 8/4/2011 11:58

Today, I stepped outside my office building for a smoke break and I witnessed a mugging so I ran over to stop it. I succeeded in getting mugged instead of the original target. I then couldn't get into my building until a coworker left an hour later. My boss was mad and still doesn't believe me. FML

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By blindedbythelight - 1/9/2017 22:28 - United States - Orlando

Fashionably Late

Today, the pair of solar eclipse glasses I ordered weeks ago arrived. I'm sure they'll come in handy for 2024. FML

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By asianjoe - 11/7/2011 01:13 - United States

Today, at work, I told a lady checking out to sign her name after sliding her credit card. After she started signing her name, she threw the pen down in frustration saying that the pen was out of ink. We use electronic pin pads. FML

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By Li - 24/3/2015 01:04 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I shouted, "Fuck off!" out of reflex when I felt someone behind me grab my bag and pull it off my shoulder. It turned out to be an elderly man with a walking stick, who was trying to steady himself in a busy crowd. FML

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By mnavy - 28/9/2009 16:24 - United States

Today, while wearing my Navy Dress White Uniform, I decided to stop and help this attractive girl who was not feeling well. Without warning, she blew chunks all over my "Whites". I have a uniform inspection later this afternoon. FML

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By Blöde Gans - 25/11/2014 16:14 - United States - Ormond Beach

Today, my mom booked a family trip to Sweden. This would be great, if she hadn't asked me to tell our former German exchange student that we were coming to visit her in Germany. She was thrilled. Now I have to be the one to let her down. FML

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By CallMeCherry - 26/8/2020 07:59 - United Kingdom

PSA

Today, I managed to "permanently and irrevocably" damage my spine. How? By bending down and picking up a piece of paper. According to my doctor, essentially I need to, "bend over like a stripper if I want to pick something up." FML

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By bbedlock - 16/4/2011 12:35 - Australia

Today, after receiving the third call this week from teachers about my son falling asleep in class, I decided that it would be a good idea to hide his Xbox controllers. He decided it would be a good idea to hide my diabetes medication. FML

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By L_lives - 30/5/2015 05:40 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I realized out how sad my love life is when I got excited that the number a girl gave me turned out to really be hers. FML

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By shocked - 25/8/2011 18:10 - United States

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to help me get over the fear of my upcoming rectal exam by surprising me with one of her own halfway through our lovemaking. FML

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By ugadawgs09 - 2/11/2011 04:32 - United States

Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I heard a notification on my iPhone. I thought nothing of it until we were done, and then I checked it out. My mom had posted on my Facebook, telling me that if I didn't keep it down, she was going to come up to my room. FML

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By cuntingbitchofawhore - 6/2/2016 03:11 - United States - Bloomington

Today, I told my step-mom that my medication is causing me to lose weight. She looked me up and down and suggested I triple my dosage. FML

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By Sorry? - 2/12/2016 03:54 - United States

Today, I took a test. I got up to turn it in, and accidentally bumped into another student. We both whispered, "Sorry." Our teacher promptly gave us detention and a 0% on the test for talking. Sorry for being sorry? FML

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By need_cash_now - 28/4/2013 04:29 - United States

Today, six weeks before my wedding, my mother decided to claim that she never agreed on paying for it and that she doesn't think she will. Now I have six weeks to scavenge enough cash for the wedding she planned in the first place. FML

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By gimpy - 4/1/2012 16:55 - United States

Today, I had to cut short my New Year's resolution of going to the gym daily, when the meathead next to me dropped some heavy weights, which bounced and landed on my foot. I'm sitting at home in a cast. FML

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By gutsforme - 11/8/2010 10:40 - New Zealand

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for for his birthday in a couple of days. He replied "to be single" and walked out of the room. FML

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By sleepingonthetoilet - 28/3/2018 08:00 - United States - Birmingham

Don't let the bedbugs bite!

Today, my supervisor locked me in the women's bathroom as I was cleaning it. I heard the owner scolding him, so I waited for the door to open, thinking he got in trouble. It wasn't until I heard the front gate locking that I realized I'm staying the night in the bathroom. FML

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By leaaaa 223 - 14/7/2020 23:01

Take, is gift

Today, I woke up to yet another severed rat head next to my bed, which I have to dispose of yet again. Cats are seriously weird. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2016 04:09

Today, I spent my first day with my parents for the first time in a year as I've been away at university. My dad went to work, and my mum spent the whole day playing mahjong with her friends as they all told me "how fat I've gotten" and how "boys won't like it". FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2011 15:53 - United States

Today, my 10-year-old brother got the bright idea to urinate in my oven to cool it off. My whole house smells like burnt piss. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2012 05:03 - United States - Mountain View

Today, my fiancée said that our relationship is doomed because an astrologer said so. We only have a few more days until our wedding and she won't listen to a word I say. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2009 20:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up to find my garage broken into and my car covered in paint and with the words "F*** you". Why? I broke up with my ex because she cheated on me and stole money off me and my mom. Apparently this wasn't a good enough excuse to break her up with her. FML

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By TiredMommy - 20/4/2017 18:00 - United States - Southbridge

Today, my 2-year-old son figured out that if he takes his pull-up off and DOESN'T go on the potty, he can pee all over things. FML

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By bluehairedfreakgirl - 1/6/2009 03:12 - United States

Today, I was walking down the sidewalk and heard a little girl ask her dad why I had blue hair. He said, "Sometimes drugs will make people do stupid things." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2014 00:26 - United States - Goodyear

Today, I used the restroom at a mall. I thought I was alone, so I started singing. When I got out of the stall, there were men staring at me. Not only did I embarrass myself with my own singing, I'd accidentally used the men's restroom too. FML

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By killme.jpeg - 18/4/2016 01:04 - Netherlands - Wassenaar

Today, I scored the number of a cute girl. I gave her mine as well, just before leaving the bar. As I waved her goodbye, I attempted to do a cheesy "call me" gesture with my thumb and pinky finger, and winked. For a reason unknown to me, I ended up flipping her off. I still winked though. FML

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By photofaint - 23/2/2012 12:11 - United Kingdom

Today, we had our whole staff photo. We all had to stand up in rows in height order, as I'm tall I had to stand in the middle, at the back. I'm horribly claustrophobic and ended up fainting in front of 100 colleagues, taking down 4 people around me. FML

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By sarahfromthesouth - 8/6/2010 16:07 - United States

Today, while in line at the waterpark, I looked down to find my 3 year old daughter chewing on a used band-aid. FML

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By BaconBreathBlonde - 30/10/2009 00:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were making out, holding hands, and he was playing with a strand of my hair. I thought the whole thing was very romantic. He then said he loved how my mouth tasted like bacon. FML

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By swallowsafly - 8/6/2019 04:00

Today, Facebook sent me a new friend suggestion. I opened it only to see that the person suggested was the home wrecker that broke up my marriage 4 years ago. Her cover picture is her and my ex together, along with a group of people that I used to be friends with. FML

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By i fking love docb - 4/11/2012 21:16 - Virgin Islands, U.S. - Christiansted

Today, I watched my girlfriend slowly floss her teeth, and then eat what showed up on the floss. FML

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By it's v - 17/3/2018 08:00 - United States - Denver

Today, after my flight arrived late, I ran 60 gates to get my connecting flight. I sprinted up to the gate agent, completely out of breath, and he looked at me, shut the door, and said, “The door is shut. You’re too late.” FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2009 01:07 - United States

Today, this guy I like let me wear his favorite baseball hat that he never takes off. I returned it to him later, only to find out I have lice. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2013 18:50 - United States - Temperance

Today, I had to slowly explain to my son that an "analogy" is a literary device, not a genre of porn. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2012 03:31 - United States - Tucson

Today, I was at a job interview. The interviewer spoke to me for a few minutes, then said she would be right back, and left. I was left alone in a room for an hour and a half believing that it was a patience test. They closed the store for the day, leaving me in the interview room. FML

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Top comments

By pjsr | 32

#7892446 - Thursday 26 March 2020 5:15

That snot funny

By Ambrily | 27

#7892612 - Thursday 26 March 2020 20:11

To be fair, that would have left me horrified even in a non pandemic time.

COMMENTS

By pjsr | 32

#7892446 - Thursday 26 March 2020 5:15

That snot funny

By jkjorn | 14

#7892575 - Thursday 26 March 2020 15:49

When you nose is runny
You may think its funny
But it snot

By Ambrily | 27

#7892612 - Thursday 26 March 2020 20:11

To be fair, that would have left me horrified even in a non pandemic time.