Today, while walking home with my boyfriend, he jokingly slapped...

By jessinono - 17/5/2013 16:16 - United States

Today, while walking home with my boyfriend, he jokingly slapped my butt. A man as old as my dad drove by, yelled "Wooo, spank that ass! DAMN!" and kept leering at me before finally driving off. FML

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Miscellaneous

Workaholic

Bad news

Great guy

By RachelDC - 3/7/2009 19:06 - United States

Today, I noticed a string was following behind our family cat. After close inspection I realized it was a plastic kite string he partially digested. I had to pull the other three feet of plastic kite tail from his rectum. He purred the entire time. FML

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By crazytown - 10/4/2014 15:50 - United States - Denver

Today, my psycho ex boyfriend, who I broke up with over a month ago showed up at my work yelling and crying because I didn't get him anything for his birthday. My boss now thinks I'm an asshole. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2015 06:59 - Canada - Maple Ridge

Today, once again, I explained that yes, I'm Russian. No, I'm not a communist. No, I don't pray to a picture of Putin riding a bear. And no, I don't have any vodka on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2018 03:00 - United States - Anchorage

Today, my father told all of us that he eloped with his girlfriend of two months. I am engaged to the woman's daughter, and have been engaged since before they met, but now my family is making fun of me for marrying my "sister". FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2010 04:10 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur.' FML

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By ChickenBallsPlease - 28/1/2014 11:16 - United Kingdom - King's Lynn

Today, I was eating at a Chinese restaurant, when I stopped the waitress to tell her that even though I am of Chinese heritage, I can't understand a word of Chinese. After an awkward silence, she told me she was actually speaking English. FML

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By talktothefacecausethehandswanking - 22/6/2013 18:54 - Korea, Republic of - Seoul

Today, my husband decided he would rather rage-wank to my mum's Facebook profile picture than make love to me. FML

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By CrazyBitch - 4/4/2013 08:20 - United States - Palo Alto

Today, my girlfriend said that while she was playing volleyball, her whole life flashed before her eyes. According to her grandmother, my girlfriend is now psychic. She completely believes it. FML

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By IzzMeister - 15/12/2019 20:00 - United States

Watch a movie

Today, I walked in on my uncle watching porn. I realized that it was porn of my boyfriend, and he told me that the girl in it was "just a friend". FML

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By firewait - 13/5/2009 00:23 - Canada

Today, I gave my 16 year old step daughter and her friends a lecture on respecting other people's privacy. Two hours later, I accidentally walked into her room without knocking. She and her friends were giving each other bikini waxes. Now her friends call me the hypocritical pervert. FML

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By WTF - 16/1/2013 07:52

Today, I came home to find my girlfriend crying. Concerned, I quickly asked her what was wrong. She told me tearfully that she couldn't understand why her pet lizards hadn’t grown into dinosaurs yet, and that pet store had cheated her. I’m still concerned now, but for entirely different reasons. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2018 15:30

Today, a week after my son was born via C-section, I received 3 messages from 3 different women saying that they had recently slept with my fiancé. One of them said they tested positive for herpes. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2013 04:11 - United States - Houston

Today, I realized that I'm so lonely I can no longer whack off without bursting into tears and crying like a little bitch. FML

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By ChangMu - 1/5/2013 06:40 - United States - Des Moines

Today, I had to go buy diaper rash cream. For myself. FML

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By anonymiss - 13/4/2009 16:12 - Canada

Today, half asleep, I dropped my pill before I could take it. I quickly picked it up and washed it down. Five hours later, I just found my pill on the ground. What did I swallow? FML

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By drano - 2/8/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, I was working as a cashier at my job. A guy came up with a cart full of stuff and it took me 10 minutes to ring it all up. When I told him his total, he felt his pockets, said "Oh shit I forgot my wallet!" and walked away. He left about 15 bags worth of things for me to put back. FML

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By airbiscuit - 21/1/2013 12:36 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Sensitive

Today, my hubby asked for a morning blow job, and I happily obliged. All was going great until he came and farted at the same time. I laughed and reassured him it was no big deal. He cried. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2019 02:00

Today, at work, I came back from my break to find a child covered in mud. Turns out it wasn't mud. One of the other children had taken all of the poop out of their diaper and smeared it all over the floor, walls, and other children. The other teacher hadn't noticed, and I had to clean it all up. FML

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By forgottenbday - 11/7/2012 05:09 - United States - Canoga Park

Today, my boyfriend treated me to a surprise romantic dinner, and got me a huge balloon bouquet, a dozen roses, a beautiful card for my birthday. Too bad it's his ex's birthday and not mine. FML

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By Lissa - 10/9/2019 20:00

All the single ladies (All the single ladies)

Today, I’m a 28 year-old single mom who has never has never experienced an orgasm. This sucks. FML

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By ticket - 6/10/2009 15:44 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a ticket for having my brights on. The street was pitch black and it was 1:30 in the morning. FML

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By neverdateaclosetcase - 17/11/2010 18:16 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend asked me to meet his parents over Christmas. I was ecstatic. But there was one condition: I must go dressed as a girl since he hasn't worked up the nerve to come out to his parents yet. We've been dating for over a year. FML

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By Suckered - 4/12/2015 21:47 - United States - Hialeah

Today, I found out my son was never accepted into the local university 2 years ago. He actually went out and got a job, and only lied about it so he could keep living in my house rent-free. The conniving bastard makes more than I do at my minimum-wage job. FML

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By 919191 - 18/8/2014 13:26 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, my two-year-old daughter's favourite word is 'No'. After leaving her with my sixteen-year-old brother, she now knows other N words as well. Niet, Nein, Non and Never. Her teenage uncle thinks it's hilarious. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2013 18:12 - United States - Mount Clemens

Today, my girlfriend freaked out, thinking she might be pregnant due to her period being late. I found myself reminding her that one actually has to have had sex recently to become pregnant. We've been living together, sexless, for over a year. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2019 20:00

Bumbling

Today, my girlfriend and I enjoyed a lovely shower together. It was indeed lovely until her father came into the washroom to say “Welcome to the family!” whilst taking a giant shit. FML

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By AnnieTheKitteh - 1/3/2018 19:00

Today, I came up with a new system: If I want to buy something, I must do a chore first. I thought my laziness would keep me from impulsive shopping. Instead, my entire apartment is sparkling clean. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2012 00:25 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, at work, I took an order from a stuck-up sounding lady over the phone. She said her last name was "duckling, but with an F". Bemused, I wrote her name on the order. When she arrived to pick it up later, she told me she'd said "s", not "f". FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2019 00:01

Today, my 16-year-old cousin told me she was "late." When I asked if she could be pregnant, she said no, because, "you can't get pregnant the first time you have sex." I ended up having to give her the sex talk. FML

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By LucklessNiceGuy - 5/12/2011 07:22 - United States

Today, I was fired from my job on account of "sexual harassment" toward female employees. The harassment? Jokingly offering them foot massages when they were complaining about how their feet ached after a long shift, and complimenting them about their appearance when they felt down. FML

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By not a shitty situation so fuck you - 24/6/2016 22:52 - United States - San Francisco

Today, in a public toilet, I got to experience a guy high out of his mind kicking in my locked stall door and puking all over me. FML

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By Forever Alone - 14/6/2016 09:26

Today, I was talking to my mum about how I'd quite like to have kids someday. She responded: "Well, nowadays they let singles adopt as well, don't they?" FML

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By Unlucky. - 16/10/2009 06:21 - United States

Today, I took my parking permit off my car to debate a ticket that I got for not having my permit displayed. Twenty minutes later, when I got back to my car, I had another ticket on my window for not having my parking permit displayed because I was using it to disprove the first ticket. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2019 02:01

Today, I was at my job as a fitting room attendant and I checked a woman and her young son in. After several minutes, they left, saying there was lipstick on the mirror. Not only was it all over two mirrors, but also on the wall, the floor and the carpet. The whole place smelled of lip-balm and I was left to clean it up. FML

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By julie24 - 30/5/2014 02:30 - France

Today, I was partying with friends. At around midnight, I sent a text message to my friend to reassure her, saying that of course I could handle my drink. That's the last thing I can remember about the evening. It's a total blank from that point onwards. FML

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By Tylerdirdin84 - 28/7/2019 20:00

Today, I had to give a massage to my ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend as they got a couples’ massage. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2012 02:41 - United States

Today, my boyfriend texted me saying he had left a surprise on my driveway. Thinking it was something special, I went outside to look. It was a little bag of mayonnaise packets. FML

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By briscoe - 29/9/2015 02:48 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I was on the train next to an elderly woman. When I told her it was my stop, she turned her knees towards the aisle, and I, thinking that she was letting me go by, began to edge past. She screamed, "DON'T PUSH ME!" and the whole train turned to look. I was thus the asshole pushing the old lady. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2012 17:50 - United States

Today, someone stole my iPhone. I used the Find My iPhone app, and located it in the apartment building next to mine. I can hear the ringing sound I've activated, but nobody will answer the door. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2014 07:02

Today, I was let go from work because they need "younger people". I'm 19 and I work at a flower market. FML

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Top comments

By bbbbbbitch | 2

#5496103 - Friday 17 May 2013 23:07

If I was old I would do that.

By MsConfusedd | 27

#5496114 - Friday 17 May 2013 23:10

At least it wasn't actually your dad

COMMENTS

By bbbbbbitch | 2

#5496103 - Friday 17 May 2013 23:07

If I was old I would do that.

perdix | 29

#5496179 - Friday 17 May 2013 23:44

#1, I am old and I do do that! Sadly, I'm so old I forget to roll down my windows, and my brilliant witticisms go unheard. :(

JACKxRAWR | 22

#5496187 - Friday 17 May 2013 23:48

Well Perdix, we're all creeped out FOR the girls you shout at. You perform a great public service. :3

Original_Outcast | 23

#5496198 - Friday 17 May 2013 23:56

Old people troll strikes again! or in the distant future after the next episode of Jeopardy.

Supganosh | 2

#5498880 - Monday 20 May 2013 1:49

I'm young and I do that.
Why not embar-ass people in public?

gotaplanstan | 28

#5499928 - Monday 20 May 2013 21:19

lol perdix said do do

By nix1993 | 41

#5496104 - Friday 17 May 2013 23:07

I can't think of anything funny or witty to reply to this... It's upsetting me.

rg350dx | 29

#5496152 - Friday 17 May 2013 23:27

Commenting that ^ was not a solution to your little predicament.

Joe9024 | 20

#5496215 - Saturday 18 May 2013 0:11

Look at all the fucks I don't give. LOOK.

By PiNkMoOn | 9

#5496113 - Friday 17 May 2013 23:10

LoL,even old people are funny,come see my parents!

GrammarNazis | 6

#5496168 - Friday 17 May 2013 23:40

rg350dx | 29

#5496183 - Friday 17 May 2013 23:46

Okay! Give me the address, phone number and alarm code for the house, if there is one, and I'll be sure to visit!

HKCgrimmjow | 15

#5496521 - Saturday 18 May 2013 5:33

Lmao the only reason I found ^ comment funny is because it's a picture of an African American
(No I'm not racist!) really I'm not xD

By MsConfusedd | 27

#5496114 - Friday 17 May 2013 23:10

At least it wasn't actually your dad

golden_warrior | 23

#5496182 - Friday 17 May 2013 23:45

This is would have been more hilarious if it was her actual father :D

Jemm_fml | 29

#5496185 - Friday 17 May 2013 23:47

Talk about a plot twist!

rg350dx | 29

#5496195 - Friday 17 May 2013 23:54

Plot twist: Her uncle's actually her father.

Pussycat86 | 18

#5496491 - Saturday 18 May 2013 4:47

Was thinking the same! Loool

By Lmc22391 | 6

#5496116 - Friday 17 May 2013 23:11

at least you know you have a slappable ass. I don't think slappable is a word. but roll with it.

By freshko21 | 6

#5496121 - Friday 17 May 2013 23:12

Aww man, I don't ever want to get old! I'll still be a horny bastard, only it'll just be creepy :/

By tj4234 | 35

#5496122 - Friday 17 May 2013 23:12

I can't think of anything to say, other than that this is golden. xD

By gracehi | 31

#5496125 - Friday 17 May 2013 23:13

Apparently you were looking "hittable" in more ways than one.

By Pstraka6 | 20

#5496131 - Friday 17 May 2013 23:14

Dirty old ba*t*rd has nothin else better to do but creep! Hey, at least it wasn't him slapping your butt and saying that!

Pstraka6 | 20

#5496138 - Friday 17 May 2013 23:18

I wasn't sure if my spelling was correct, I am oh so sorry :p

By brittyboo123 | 35

#5496133 - Friday 17 May 2013 23:15

Troll grandpa strikes again !

mattlw | 25

#5496225 - Saturday 18 May 2013 0:28

Trolling answer about troll grandparents strikes again.

ilovedinosawers | 17

#5496317 - Saturday 18 May 2013 1:16

If that was her grandpa I would be worried.