Geek: Today, it was my birthday. My boyfriend had been telling me for... - FML

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, it was my birthday. My boyfriend had been telling me for the past two weeks that he had something planned for the occasion. His plan? Me watching TV with his parents, who hate me, while he went to work. His gift? A brand new Xbox 360 for himself. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Our house, in the middle of our street

Very fishy

By Bandgeek

Today, at work, 5 minutes after I'd sent my help home, we got an 83 dollar order. I'm the only cook. FML

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By ooops - United States

Today, I was driving into a parking lot with some friends. I carelessly passed a sign when my friend said, "Wait what did that sign say?" I backed up to read it and guess what it said: "Severe Tire Damage. Do Not Back Up." Now all 4 of my tires are slashed. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Gainesville

Today, I discovered that the vitamin I've been taking for hair growth actually works really well. Unfortunately, it only works on my leg hair. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Windsor

Today, the guy I like shoved me out of the way so he could talk to another girl. FML

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By fastfingers409 - United States

Today, at a concert, I noticed a cute keytarist in one of the bands. After they got off stage, I asked their bass player if she was single. He replied, "actually, she's married," holding up his left hand, he continued, "to me." FML

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By ugly - Australia

Today, I was telling my best friend that I was feeling unattractive, and that I never get asked out. As she was trying to make me feel better, we were interrupted by a stranger trying to hit on her. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Port Melbourne

Today, the girl I'd been seeing for a few weeks lost her mind and yanked my car's e-brake while we were on the highway. Why? Because I said I wasn't really interested in having kids. Guess I'll cross that relationship off as a "hell no". FML

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By suze44 - United States

Today, my father decided to "prepare" me for the real world by telling me that I'm ugly. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Binghamton

Today, I wanted to buy a Philly cheesesteak from my campus grill, but I was running late so I ordered a grilled cheese as it would be simpler to prep. I then waited 20 minutes and watched as the cooks made 4 cheesesteaks for other orders before even starting my grilled cheese. I was late. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Flowery Branch

What a Q-tip

Today, I heard my boyfriend making the same noises while cleaning out his ears as the ones he makes whenever we have sex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was upset that my boyfriend hasn't called in a while. Turns out, my step-mother blocked his number so he can't call. She never told me and, instead, just let me think he hated me. FML

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By Fartfail - Hong Kong - Corozal

Today, while vacuuming my new apartment, I farted a few times. After my last fart, I turned to find my super-hot neighbor standing at the door. Panicking, I asked in a "I-didn't-just-fart-my-ass" tone, "Oh hi! Been standing there for long?" She replied, "Since your initial rip." FML

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By thammer - United States - Green Bay

Today, I joined a dating site. The first guy it recommended is the stalker I met on the last dating site I used. FML

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By OG Pinecone - United States - Englewood

Today, I was hanging with friends up at my best friend's cabin. We were in his hot tub cracking jokes when he told one that sent me into a fit of hysterics. He tried to shut me up by splashing water on me. It worked, because when I jerked my head to the side, I dislocated a rib. FML

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By Brinty - Australia

Today, I was napping with my boyfriend and his dog. The dog was making odd coughing noises, but my boyfriend refused to kick him out of the bed. A few moments later, I rolled onto my stomach, into a pile of dog vomit. FML

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By LostSoul

Today, I was at a store. I asked if I needed a key for their bathroom, and they said the door was open. I have to walk past them to go in and out of the bathroom. Thirty seconds later, they used the key and walked in on me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bremerton

Today, my ex told me that she's 3 weeks pregnant with my child. Not only was she on her period when I broke up with her last week, her friend let me know that the positive pregnancy test she showed me was a fake that she'd bought online. FML

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By camp - United States

Today, my very religious grandmother walked in on me masturbating. She's sending me to bible camp. FML

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By LA - United States

Today, at physical therapy, the girl next to me had a blue armband. I said, "Hey, sweet iPod". She said, "Actually, I have diabetes." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2021 01:01 - United Kingdom - Buckie

Unmatched

Today, my girlfriend of three months broke up with me. Her reason? I'm "not interesting." I said things that might have led to a conversation, she would say "yeah" to everything. She argued about stuff I said that she didn't like; called my mates cunts; didn't let me have female mates. All her mates are lads. FML

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By ugh - United States

Today, I asked my mom why she decided to be a parent. She replied, in all seriousness, "Everyone else was doing it." FML

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By Coco - Denmark - ?lborg

Today, I invited my sister to my wedding. She is not coming, because I didn't reply to her email three years ago. The one she sent to my whole family, saying that I was a dangerous psychopath. FML

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By Ouch - United States

Today, I was walking down the hallway when someone opened a door, smashing it into me. The bump makes it look like I have a third boob. FML

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By yulis - United States - Hagerstown

Today, I got pulled over on the highway for going over the speed limit. The cop seemed nice, and I was sure he'd let me off with a warning, until my husband piped up with, "Didn't think you folks came out this far. What, the donut store got shut down or some shit?" I got the ticket. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Anaheim

Today, I met a really cute girl at a club. At first, she told me I was cute. Then, she slurred that I look like "a spork on legs." Then she sprayed the inside of my mouth with vomit as she kissed me. FML

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By britanyann - United States

Today, I had to explain to my 25-year-old boyfriend why we cannot get pet raccoons. This is not the first time we have had this conversation. FML

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By stephanie

Today, my husband tried to use his "grief" over his grandmother's death to manipulate me into giving him a blowjob. In the toilets. During the funeral. With his family only a few yards down the hall crying their eyes out. What an asshole I married. An absolute asshole. FML

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By JFC

Today, I was staying over at a friend's house for the weekend while the rest of my family goes to Cuba. Her neighbor started hitting on me. As it turns out, "he" was actually born as a "she", and now I'm apparently a transphobic bitch for not being interested. Two more days to go. FML

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By hatelife - United States

Today, the instructions on my new IKEA bed made me cry. It includes a picture of a person working alone with a frown crossed out and is replaced by two smiling people working together. I have no one in my life to help me. FML

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By Janet - United States

Today, my boss called me into his office. I thought I was getting promoted because my sales had been really high lately. My boss shut his door behind me and asked me if I could comb his hair with a lice comb to get rid of his lice. I had to do it to keep my job. FML

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By madeleine - 8/4/2021 05:00

Gummy

Today, I caught my young daughter eating candy after brushing her teeth. Angry, I asked her if she wanted all her teeth to fall out. She smiled and said, “Yes!” FML

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By illenram06 - Philippines

Today, I spent the entire day in my room trying to figure out how to get rid of my psycho boyfriend without dying. FML

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By Roger Quimble

Today, after taking a refreshing shower, I found out that due to a newly-built platform, people in the apartment underneath can see right into my bedroom. While I was standing there completely naked, some guy smiled at me. FML

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By Anonymous

Et tu, Brute?

Today, I applied for a new job as a maintenance technician. About 10 minutes after submitting my resume, I received a rejection letter. My girlfriend is their HR person. FML

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By Johnnogood - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my boss fired me because of the way I laugh. Apparently it reminds him too much of his ex-wife's laugh. I'm a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2020 01:02 - United Kingdom

Broken

Today, I recently got out of hospital after suffering a bad head injury. My doctor warned me I might have localised skin numbness, and it turns out I do. In my penis. Can’t feel a thing down there. We discovered this in bed, where nothing could get a rise out of me because it was completely dead FML

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By catattack78 - United States

Today, I was walking down my very steep basement stairs when I fell and rolled all the way down but luckily I didn't hurt anything. While walking back up around the very last stair, my cat jumped out on me, causing me to roll all the way back down. FML

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By David - United Kingdom - Leicester

Annie's Song

Today, I was finally having a conversation with my granny, who I don't get to see often. First thing she tells me was that she was going to have surgery soon, because her "women's insides" were "dangling out." FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was having a garage sale and my mother-in-law came by to see what I was selling. She decided to buy these ugly green wine glasses that were still unopened. It turns out that she gave those to my wife and I when we got married. FML

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By BondingTime - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I was babysitting my nephew and we decided to color together. He drew a picture of someone who looked dead, almost zombie-like, while everyone else looked pretty normal. When I asked who it was, he said in a serious, scary voice, "It's you." FML

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Top comments

By UnprecendentedAw | 0

#2022457 - Saturday 29 January 2011 19:58

Time to drop him.

By ohSNAPyall | 26

#2022467 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:00

What a douche. You should have left to go out with your friends.

COMMENTS

By UnprecendentedAw | 0

#2022457 - Saturday 29 January 2011 19:58

Time to drop him.

Reply

aardvarkish | 15

#2022502 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:05

Ditto. Or just wait. There won't be a relationship there long anyway...

Reply

Chris19801012 | 0

#2023553 - Sunday 30 January 2011 1:48

What!!!! That's was thoughtful, I'm sure an X box isn't cheap. Maybe he is trying to find a way they can bond together. So judgmental.

Reply

Mehness | 0

#2024272 - Sunday 30 January 2011 7:53

56 - Or maybe OP clearly showed her dislike of the console in this here post.

Reply

RinaRina | 9

#2028308 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:14

Tell him to share the xbox, go buy a cake and eat cake while playin on it, then have sex? dingdong good birthday :D

Reply

RinaRina | 9

#2028326 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:18

gaming with the BF beats any kind of stuoid material gift or boring fancyAss dinner ;D atleast in my opinion...

Reply

XQuartzX | 15

#6153364 - Thursday 25 December 2014 0:54

or he's the worst boyfriend and is a selfish prick.

By ohSNAPyall | 26

#2022467 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:00

What a douche. You should have left to go out with your friends.

By missjessicaaaa | 0

#2022520 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:07

That just sucks, and I don't know you, but if you don't deserve this, then I would say leave him.

By KiM1314 | 0

#2022524 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:07

Epic win by OP's boyfriend! Did you make him a sammich while he was playing?

Reply

BT14 | 5

#2023546 - Sunday 30 January 2011 1:45

alright "epic win" enough already

Reply

aardvarkish | 15

#2026810 - Sunday 30 January 2011 22:11

ugh

Reply

The_Tool1 | 13

#3912908 - Friday 20 January 2012 7:38

What else is she there for?

Reply

Hamden824 | 23

#6661633 - Saturday 30 July 2016 23:29

I'll make this quick. Fuck you!

By littliemissmeg | 0

#2022550 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:11

time to get a new boyfriend.

Reply

kornpuffs | 0

#2024206 - Sunday 30 January 2011 7:30

I agree

By strawberrydreams | 18

#2022589 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:18

Well, it's pretty obvious about who he cares about the most. That last part would've definitely been a deal breaker for me so FYL OP.

By smushies_fml | 0

#2022623 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:24

what a jerk!

By benjimm1 | 0

#2022631 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:27

ha YDI just becuz u do. what's his gamertag? did he get black ops yet? gears of war? oh yea happy bday btw

By Air_Force001 | 0

#2022633 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:28

hahahahaha what a ass

By benjimm1 | 0

#2022636 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:29

happy birthday then. want a cookie? TOO BAD IT'S MINE! GET UR OWN FREAKING COOKIE!