Today, it was my birthday. My boyfriend had been telling me for... - FML

By Anonymous - 29/1/2011 11:55 - Canada

Today, it was my birthday. My boyfriend had been telling me for the past two weeks that he had something planned for the occasion. His plan? Me watching TV with his parents, who hate me, while he went to work. His gift? A brand new Xbox 360 for himself. FML

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Nice neighborhood

Who's a good boy?

Rich people problems

By Andrew - 20/4/2011 16:31 - United States

Today, I tried to get my wife to have sex with me, she told me she couldn't because she had her period. She's two months pregnant. FML

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By Hairless freak - 23/9/2012 08:14 - United States - Fallbrook

Today, after weeks of dealing with a bad hair cut, my hair finally grew back to my preferred length. Today is also the day my roommate replaced my shampoo with hair remover as a prank. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2009 04:01 - United States

Today, I was looking at the annoucements in the newspaper and find out that my boyfriend of the past 6 years is supposed to be married in 2 days to what I thought was his ex-girlfriend. FML

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By 90 up I-95 - 7/7/2017 20:00 - United States - State College

Today, I was wrapping up my move in a 16-foot truck with my car in tow. Google rerouted me to avoid traffic... through a state park. The road had only one lane. I can still hear the phalanx of cars honking at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2013 18:30 - Denmark - Lemvig

Today, I've been bedridden for the past two weeks. My boyfriend casually remarked that he understands now why some people cheat on their seriously-ill partners. Thanks for adding to the stress, sweetie. FML

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By HappyGirl - 28/10/2008 15:57 - France

Today, my little brother, who is 11, explained to me how babies are made. I’m 15. FML

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By OhNo - 2/3/2013 13:31 - United States - Castlewood

Today, despite the fact of being together two years, and having a daughter, my fiancée still refuses to tell her parents about us. We're getting married in six months. FML

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By DeadScared - 19/9/2011 00:23 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend kindly informed me that if I ever got bitten during a zombie apocalypse, he'd love me enough to beat me to death with a tire iron. He said this because he's been having vivid dreams about it happening. I honestly don't know whether he's joking or not. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2009 20:12 - Denmark

Today, I got stung by a bee. On my eyelid. I'm allergic so it's swollen up so much, I can't even open my eye. Tomorrow is the first day of a new prestigious school. I either have to go to school wearing an eye-patch or walk around looking like a monster. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2010 07:08 - United States

Today, I watched my boyfriend feed his cat and change his profile on both myspace and facebook before saying to me that he was "Too busy to have sex." FML

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By =( - 5/4/2014 17:48 - United States - Houston

Today, I had to tell my ex that I'm pregnant with his baby. I sent him a casual "Hey :)" text to try to ease into things. He replied, "WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?" and ended up threatening to make my life hell if I don't tell my new boyfriend that the child is his. FML

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By Noname - 30/10/2008 05:55 - France

Today, I've just lost over £12,000 and it's not even halfway through the trading day. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2020 14:02

Party in my underpants!

Today, you could think I was hosting a festival. Main event: Aunt Flow & The Zits. Preceded by: Mopey & the Munchies. After Party with: The Bloats and The Farts. Whoever hasn’t left by then will have to see The Bloody Underpants. FML

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By QuicksilverMaximoff - 30/1/2011 14:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I was rudely stopped in the park by a woman screaming at me for being a slut for having a baby so young. She got so worked up that she started swearing. Not only was I just babysitting for a friend, I am unable to get the toddler to stop swearing. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2011 05:43 - United States

Today, my son got really high and shaved the dog with my electric shaver. Not only does the dog look really bad, I didn't know my son used drugs. I now have to buy the dog a sweater and get my son some help. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2015 06:49 - United Kingdom - Middlewich

Today, I was talking to my friend, who was telling me he's having suicidal thoughts lately. He then said he'd be back in a few minutes. Nearly an hour passed. I panicked, thinking he'd offed himself. Several minutes after I called the emergency services, he messaged me, saying "K, back." FML

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By LindsayK - 9/4/2009 06:18 - United States

Today, my step-mother threw a surprise party on my acceptance to college. People kept telling me how delightfully shocked and happy they are for me. "UPenn" was written everywhere, when I really got into Penn State. Everyone thinks I'm going to an Ivy League. FML

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By kait - 29/11/2011 05:34 - United States

Today, at work, an overweight man riding an electric cart started peeing all around the store. I had to clean it up. FML

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By dating a big bag of dicks - 13/5/2014 21:02 - United States

Today, while driving out to the countryside with my new boyfriend, we came across a deer lying in the road. It seemed badly hurt, but instead of letting me get out and make sure, my boyfriend decided to just run over its head to finish it off, then continued driving with a smirk on his face. FML

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By Gottabekidding - 9/9/2016 00:33 - United States - Ashland

Today, my workplace instituted a policy in which employees must stop and write down what they are doing every fifteen minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2011 05:39 - United States

Today, I applied to live in a barn. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2020 05:02

Bye bye Tiddles

Today, while I was driving around the neighborhood, I passed my neighbors' house only to see their dog with a full-grown dead cat in its mouth. Only one family owns a cat in our neighborhood. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2010 05:22 - United States

Today, I took some friends out to the woods to show them a natural spring. I explained to them that the water bubbles up from under ground, and that it's clean and tasty. I bent down and drank a few hefty handfuls only to look up and see a dead raccoon floating near me. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2019 04:03

Bigmouth Strikes Again

Today, I was involved in an intense argument with my dad. Just as I yelled, "You haven't done one thing for me", my phone rang. The same phone that, as of today, my dad no longer pays the bill for. FML

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By hfksorws - 8/10/2010 01:57 - France

Today, I was at Barnes and Noble with my dad, where he refused to buy me a book because I "already read too much." FML

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By kat - 31/10/2012 11:30 - United States - Ocala

Today, the bar owner I work for told us to pay better attention to our drunk patrons, and to start cutting them off. A fellow bar maid asked how we are supposed to tell when it's time. He pointed at me and said, "When they start hitting on her, they're too drunk to drive." FML

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By chickenshit4 - 15/5/2016 00:57 - United States - Pine Ridge

Today, my 43 year old mother came home covered in hickeys. FML

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By that'sokay - 12/5/2020 23:00

Deception

Today, I found out the guy I have been sleeping with didn't actually break up with his girlfriend. She just moved for a few weeks during quarantine. They are now living with each other, and I'm alone and confused. FML

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By drinkdrankdrunk - 27/9/2013 07:33 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I woke up from a night of heavy drinking to find my girlfriend dumped me. Apparently I drunk-called her last night and told her that someone as beautiful as her could be with someone way better than me. She agreed. FML

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By joe rogan fucking sucks, dude - 27/4/2014 20:51 - Australia - Warwick

Today, my girlfriend informed me that during the night, I shot up in bed and whimpered tearfully, "I don't have anything for the fancy-dress!" She also decided to share this with all our friends. I'm never going to live this down. FML

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By Are you kidding me? - 9/9/2013 20:51 - United States - Kansas City

Today, while at the zoo, I found out that the rhinos there can pee backwards, while standing directly behind one. FML

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By fecurtis - 23/1/2009 08:36 - United States

Today, I went to Target to buy some soap and this 65-70 year old woman next to me was asking a sales associate if they had any bubble bath mix. I suddenly pictured her naked, bathing herself and suddenly my dick just couldn't sit still. It's probably because I haven't had sex in over 22 months. FML

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By sisi9999 - 25/7/2011 04:14 - United States

Today, I learned that I'm allergic to hornets. I also learned that when your mom sprays a hornets' nest, and they come after you, that jumping in the pool doesn't help. They hover and wait for you to surface. FML

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By arrestedgun - 23/5/2009 07:37 - Canada

Today, I went to a dollar store with a couple friends to buy cap guns to play with. We were having a lot of fun with them, and took them onto a bus. 5 minutes later, three cops got on, handcuffed us, and sternly talked to us about the dangers of guns. We got arrested for toy guns. We are 17. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2012 17:01 - United States - South Gate

Today, I still can't decide whether masturbating while looking at myself makes me narcissistic or just plain pathetic. FML

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By Mia - 12/12/2018 17:00 - India - Mumbai

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to get it on. That's when the bell rang. He said, 'I'll just be back'. 5 minutes later, still no sign of him. I wrapped myself in a towel and went to the hall. Turns out his new PS4 had arrived. He said, 'I forgot you were here, sorry' and continued to play. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2009 06:15 - United States

Today, at the end of a night of heavy drinking, I decided it was a good idea to go off into the park with a friend of mine. We ended up fooling around in the park, when a couple of kids stole our clothes. We had to walk back to town with no clothes on. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2009 04:25 - United States

Today, my ex said "I love you!" for the first time at a party in front of my boyfriend. Smugly satisfied, I said "Well, you're too late for that." My ex looked at me with irritation and said "I'm talking to him!" and gestured to my boyfriend. They'd been "best friends" since middle school. FML

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By Bonnie and Clyde - 8/5/2015 02:18 - United States - Humble

Today, my boyfriend and I got busted by a cop for having sex in his car. When the cop sent us on our way, we went home and the garage was open, so we called the cops thinking someone was in the home. No one was in the house, and we got the same cop. FML

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By Janie - 10/1/2012 05:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend changed his relationship status on Facebook to "Single" and his status to "I'm not kidding, leave your key on the counter." FML

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Top comments

By UnprecendentedAw | 0

#2022457 - Saturday 29 January 2011 19:58

Time to drop him.

By ohSNAPyall | 26

#2022467 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:00

What a douche. You should have left to go out with your friends.

COMMENTS

By UnprecendentedAw | 0

#2022457 - Saturday 29 January 2011 19:58

Time to drop him.

Reply

aardvarkish | 15

#2022502 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:05

Ditto. Or just wait. There won't be a relationship there long anyway...

Reply

Chris19801012 | 0

#2023553 - Sunday 30 January 2011 1:48

What!!!! That's was thoughtful, I'm sure an X box isn't cheap. Maybe he is trying to find a way they can bond together. So judgmental.

Reply

Mehness | 0

#2024272 - Sunday 30 January 2011 7:53

56 - Or maybe OP clearly showed her dislike of the console in this here post.

Reply

RinaRina | 9

#2028308 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:14

Tell him to share the xbox, go buy a cake and eat cake while playin on it, then have sex? dingdong good birthday :D

Reply

RinaRina | 9

#2028326 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:18

gaming with the BF beats any kind of stuoid material gift or boring fancyAss dinner ;D atleast in my opinion...

Reply

XQuartzX | 15

#6153364 - Thursday 25 December 2014 0:54

or he's the worst boyfriend and is a selfish prick.

By ohSNAPyall | 26

#2022467 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:00

What a douche. You should have left to go out with your friends.

By missjessicaaaa | 0

#2022520 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:07

That just sucks, and I don't know you, but if you don't deserve this, then I would say leave him.

By KiM1314 | 0

#2022524 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:07

Epic win by OP's boyfriend! Did you make him a sammich while he was playing?

Reply

BT14 | 5

#2023546 - Sunday 30 January 2011 1:45

alright "epic win" enough already

Reply

aardvarkish | 15

#2026810 - Sunday 30 January 2011 22:11

ugh

Reply

The_Tool1 | 13

#3912908 - Friday 20 January 2012 7:38

What else is she there for?

Reply

Hamden824 | 23

#6661633 - Saturday 30 July 2016 23:29

I'll make this quick. Fuck you!

By littliemissmeg | 0

#2022550 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:11

time to get a new boyfriend.

Reply

kornpuffs | 0

#2024206 - Sunday 30 January 2011 7:30

I agree

By strawberrydreams | 18

#2022589 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:18

Well, it's pretty obvious about who he cares about the most. That last part would've definitely been a deal breaker for me so FYL OP.

By smushies_fml | 0

#2022623 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:24

what a jerk!

By benjimm1 | 0

#2022631 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:27

ha YDI just becuz u do. what's his gamertag? did he get black ops yet? gears of war? oh yea happy bday btw

By Air_Force001 | 0

#2022633 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:28

hahahahaha what a ass

By benjimm1 | 0

#2022636 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:29

happy birthday then. want a cookie? TOO BAD IT'S MINE! GET UR OWN FREAKING COOKIE!