Today, while making my daily offering of turd to the porcelain... - FML

By Anonymous - 4/3/2012 22:20 - Canada

Today, while making my daily offering of turd to the porcelain throne, I took out my phone and started playing a game. I suddenly felt a tickling sensation on my leg, and I freaked out as I saw hundreds of ants had emerged from behind the toilet. FML

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Rock, hard place

Father material

The road to hell…

By therundown - 20/7/2011 13:38 - United States

Today, while in line at a gas station, I felt something on my shoulder. I turned around only to see a woman behind me pulling the sunburnt skin off my shoulder. When I told her to stop, she yelled, hit me with her purse and ran off crying. FML

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By emilyxoxoxo - 21/3/2009 16:11 - United States

Today, my friend and I thought it would be funny if we could both fit into her big sweatpants. When we tried to take a step, she fell on top of me. She started peeing uncontrollably. We had to cut ourselves out of the sweatpants. FML

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By madfather - 23/2/2009 01:38 - United States

Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms for my girlfriend, Kim and I. I was in a rush and when I looked at the cashier realized it was her father. Nervous and hoping to reassure him, I go "don't worry, I'm not using these with Kim." That didn't help. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2010 11:25 - United States

Today, there were a few loud and annoying kids running around my store. My coworker and I started talking and I jokingly stated "Yeah, kids ruin everything." But before I could get out "God knows I'm not ready to be a dad," my phone rang. It was my one night stand. I'm going to be a daddy. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2014 21:58 - United States

Today, my school put on a musical. I was one of the leads, and in the middle of my solo, I got a huge nosebleed. A little girl in the front row screamed. FML

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By sk8rgurl - 28/6/2009 23:09 - United States

Today, I was testing for figure skating. I was wearing a brand new custom dress that was a halter top. On my first move, I tripped and fell flat on my face. Immediately after retaking the move, my dress snapped open, exposing myself to the judges. FML

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By edodge - 15/10/2010 03:03 - United States

Today, at work, my boss and I went upstairs to storage. We got in the elevator, I pressed the 2nd floor button, and it didn't move so I repeatedly pressed the button. It wasn't until the 5th press that I realized we were already on the 2nd floor. She thought I was an idiot. FML

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By assante2010 - 24/7/2011 00:09 - United States

Today, my friends and I went to the strip club for my birthday. I now know how my sister is paying for her new car. FML

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By KayleeXLoVe21 - 3/11/2011 23:48 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. The lights kept on going on and off. Why? The lights are activated by "clap on, clap off." It killed the mood. FML

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By Stargirl - 28/2/2017 07:00 - United States - Modesto

Today, in an attempt to support and encourage my efforts in getting a new job, my boyfriend said, "Imagine having triple what's in your bank account right now!" Triple what's in my bank account right now would be exactly $38.94. FML

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By usmcpain - 23/6/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, I couldn't sleep and in the process of tossing and turning I did something very painful to my back. I spent 4 years in the marine corps infantry, but laying in a bed kicks my ass. FML

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By MDoremis - 28/8/2016 19:24 - United States - Honolulu

Today, while flying home, two little girls started chanting, "We're all going to die." I'm an extremely anxious flyer. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2010 12:01 - United States

Today, after me and my boyfriend had pretty much amazing sex, he took off the condom and started swinging it back and forth, all while making the sounds of a clock and saying, "You are getting sleepy." FML

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By anonymous - 17/5/2016 00:29 - United States - Ashland

Today, at the laundromat. I loaded a huge load into the top dryer, put all the quarters in, and started the bottom one. I realized my mistake when I came to check on it. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2010 15:09 - Canada

Today, I saw a picture of me from a night of drinking that surprisingly looked really really good. I showed my boyfriend and he agreed with me. Then he added, "What's funny is it looks nothing like you!" FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2019 16:00 - United States - Cranford

Today, despite seeing her every weekend, her not telling me her work schedule, and her having ignored me every time she gets a boyfriend, my sister is upset that I "don't make more of an effort to see her." Sorry, I'm trying to not rely on people who hurt me. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2015 11:28 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I had to go out and that I'd be back later. He asked where I was going. "To see my other boyfriend," I chuckled, smiling. He took it seriously and wouldn't believe it was just a joke. I'm pretty sure I'm now single. FML

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By Jaws - 10/2/2011 16:09 - France

Today, I got slapped in the face by my girlfriend with a banana skin, because I finished up the chocolate cake. FML

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By blabla - 28/10/2011 13:30 - Brazil

Today, I rushed home during a torrential downpour. When I got back, I went to take a pee and took off my wet socks while I had the chance. Once I finished, I stood up with used toilet paper in one hand and wet socks in the other. Guess which I tossed into the toilet. FML

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By neuroticallyours - 12/11/2009 07:11 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend how happy I was with him. He responded by pulling down his pants and slapping his ass. I have no idea what that was supposed to mean. FML

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By Whitley - 4/11/2010 15:17 - United States

Today, I made salmon patties and boiled cabbage. I smelled smoke from my stove burner, but thought I spilled something in the burner. No big deal. Later, this horrible smell started coming from the stove. My husband took the stove apart, only to find that I had fried a mouse as well. FML

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By girlllll - 1/6/2010 12:31 - Denmark

Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend and his parents, who I haven't known very long. I ended up falling asleep. That doesn't sound so bad, until I woke my drooling self up by snoring extremely loud. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2016 19:47 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, it's day 9 of my honeymoon. It's also day 8 of my period and day 7 of food poisoning. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2009 04:38 - United States

Today, while laying in bed trying to go to sleep, I listened to the chirping crickets and appreciated how soothing the sounds were. Then I realized I lived on the 8th floor of an apartment building. Turns out my brother's science project got into my room and multiplied... a lot. FML

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By anonymous - 18/3/2011 07:35

Today, I went to the airport to start the amazing 3 week vacation in Costa Rica that I've been saving for and planning for more than a year. They wouldn't let me on the plane because my passport expires in less than 6 months. FML

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By Scared - 8/4/2019 17:00 - United States - Pacific

Today, I fell asleep while watching the Ted Bundy documentary. I'm a woman, home alone, in Seattle. The nightmares were so scary, I may never want to sleep again. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2011 15:56 - United States

Today, my boyfriend still couldn't work out where my clitoris is. It's RIGHT THERE, you idiot. I've pointed it out, but each time it's like he needs a compass and a map or something. FML

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By ashbox233 - 9/11/2010 04:18 - United States

Today, someone reckoned that I would never be in a relationship. So I made up this whole story about some made up guy named 'Nick' and posted stuff on my Facebook and Myspace that I'm dating him. Now all my friends want to meet him. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2013 11:45 - United States - Monroe

Today, after sending in my passport application for a trip to Paris, I got a letter from the state department saying despite them having my original birth certificate, I don't exist. Upon calling them, I was told that it only proves I'm a citizen, not that I exist. I pay taxes and have a mortgage. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2020 17:01 - Germany

Packaging

Today, I was cleaning up after my mom visited with her dogs. She'd left a little pill-jar on the kitchen counter. Had she forgotten her medicine? It made a weird, soft sound when I shaked it. I opened the lid to shake some pills into my hand, only it wasn't pills. It was two fat ticks. FML

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By wasted time - 19/12/2013 09:09 - United States

Today, I learned, 90 horrifying minutes into a college exam, that my 85-year-old calculus teacher had spent the last three weeks teaching us the wrong chapter. FML

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By Retarded - 5/9/2013 06:57 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, I was asked to dumb myself down so the people I was training could comprehend what I was saying. FML

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By WhiteLiar - 4/3/2010 01:26 - United States

Today, I was telling a new friend of mine about my boyfriend. I told her his name and where he is from. She interrupted me and says "Yeah drives a big white truck, rides dirt bikes?! I dated him two years ago!" This guy and I have dated for four years. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2016 15:15 - Denmark

Today, I decided to make the switch from pads to tampons. My boyfriend ended up having to show me how to apply them. FML

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By sadfantasy - 31/3/2016 06:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, the mentally-challenged teen who sometimes comes into my restaurant gave me a hug as usual. I thought it was sweet, until a coworker let me know he immediately goes and jacks off in the bathroom after. FML

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By zboy_123 - 23/8/2009 18:33 - India

Today, I went to this meditation center which my mom suggested to get mental peace as I have been hating my job and life for some time now. I drove for an hour and then walked around in scorching Indian sun for 2 hours trying to locate the damn place. I got lost and returned home angrier than ever. FML

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By anonymous - 20/1/2012 05:02 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my husband why putting on dirty underwear after a shower defeats the purpose. We had this discussion in the middle of me giving him head. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2009 00:20 - United States

Today, I kissed my husband and said "I love you." Thats when our 5 year old son said to my husband "How can you love her so much if she's so ugly?" FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2009 21:26 - United States

Today, I went on a romantic date to the mountains to look a stars with a boy I had just met. We started kissing and he stopped, asking if it was rude for him to take me home now. After getting dropped off, he texted me saying we could never do that again and we should never talk about it. FML

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By Alison - 8/12/2009 02:14 - United States

Today, the "hot" guy I've been talking to for a few weeks sent me a picture. He was very overweight and not good looking at all. He then followed up with, "Now send me one of you so I can prove to all of my friends that you're real." FML

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Top comments

By Sarah_moustache | 9

#4121738 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:20

Daily offering of turd? Hahaha. Sorry, but that made my day.

By aFreedom127 | 9

#4121748 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:22

They were coming to collect the offering.

COMMENTS

By lexa1love | 16

#4121730 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:19

That is so terrible! I could not even imagine.
:(

Reply

sydie5 | 12

#4121776 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:24

Really? Cause I can, and it's pretty damn hilarious.

Reply

sorry4partyrockn | 0

#4121783 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:25

*queue dramatic music* And thats when you've got to fight to the finish!

Reply

LiveLaughFML | 10

#4121827 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:30

If you lived to tell the story, good for you! I probably would have had a panic attack right then and there.

Reply

YtotsDI | 0

#4121918 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:44

I love how this was written XD

Reply

piccolocl | 0

#4122114 - Monday 5 March 2012 2:27

46- it's not "shitting yourself" if your on the toilet with the full intention to let out

Reply

BostonBruinsFan | 8

#4122223 - Monday 5 March 2012 3:10

It reminds me if the black and white movie with the giant ants invading…Anyone know what I'm talking about?

Reply

scottieclark | 4

#4122234 - Monday 5 March 2012 3:13

Ew!! That gross.

Reply

RrLSf19 | 0

#4122311 - Monday 5 March 2012 3:32

OP's exquisite vocabulary is the reason I got out of bed today.

Reply

NuTrees | 9

#4122459 - Monday 5 March 2012 4:09

Lol I'm on the toilet now and I could not resist checking to see if there were any bugs below.

Reply

MyPetNinja | 14

#4122510 - Monday 5 March 2012 4:19

70- Empire of the Ants. My old stepdad made me watch that movie when I was seven, I'm still confused at what the point of the movie was.

Reply

flatfatmat | 3

#4122575 - Monday 5 March 2012 4:37

I know this is stupid, but what does YDI and OP stand for

Reply

gr82bhere | 9

#4122624 - Monday 5 March 2012 5:00

You Deserve It and Original Poster

Reply

copy125 | 0

#4122645 - Monday 5 March 2012 5:06

I would of literally shit myself lol

Reply

BostonBruinsFan | 8

#4122657 - Monday 5 March 2012 5:08

103-But doesn't it remind you of it??

Reply

acccccccc | 1

#4122664 - Monday 5 March 2012 5:09

You Dumb Idiot, and Odd People

Reply

chocolemonade | 6

#4122680 - Monday 5 March 2012 5:13

Ants on a log?

Reply

nava1210 | 12

#4122704 - Monday 5 March 2012 5:18

53 - there is a lot of people thumbing you down but you do make a valid point..

Reply

calebhampton | 1

#4122740 - Monday 5 March 2012 5:36

Oh I already knew what ydi meant but I always thought op was other person i know stupid but I wouldn't know what else it'd be

Reply

Vegeto30294 | 19

#4122830 - Monday 5 March 2012 5:56

113 - Young Dicks Invading and Orgasming Penises

Reply

deadman93 | 7

#4122845 - Monday 5 March 2012 5:59

i probably wouldve been pissing and got it everywhere getting them off of me

Reply

deadman93 | 7

#4122856 - Monday 5 March 2012 6:02

as a heads up if you got Qs about something.here youre better off going to google youll get trolled with random words and "go to google"s

Reply

Ghouly_fml | 7

#4122864 - Monday 5 March 2012 6:05

113- don't listen to the stupid commenters friend it stands for Yuma death institute and orbital penis
^_^

Reply

livefreelylee | 0

#4123109 - Monday 5 March 2012 7:59

haha omg me too

Reply

Showtime00 | 0

#4123128 - Monday 5 March 2012 8:13

This made me flinch. haha >:3

Reply

jesscarrr | 10

#4123153 - Monday 5 March 2012 8:41

That's the fanciest term for 'taking a shit' I've heard yet!

Reply

Rei_Ayanami | 18

#4123210 - Monday 5 March 2012 9:00

70 - The movie is "Them" it's a real classic.

Reply

Jonkbaby | 19

#4123552 - Monday 5 March 2012 12:20

take a dump on the ants

Reply

AnonymousTroll | 2

#4123607 - Monday 5 March 2012 12:55

Kill it with fire!

By Sarah_moustache | 9

#4121738 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:20

Daily offering of turd? Hahaha. Sorry, but that made my day.

Reply

grahambertus | 11

#4121935 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:46

He also gives an offering of liquid gold as soon as he wakes up.

Reply

astarwarsfan | 0

#4121999 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:56

I am now going to use these phrases in my conversations.

Reply

zachherbert | 10

#4122100 - Monday 5 March 2012 2:24

Your offering didn't please the porcelain throne.

Reply

iceman420son | 7

#4122286 - Monday 5 March 2012 3:26

You pic made my day

Reply

TheSmoothDude | 10

#4122313 - Monday 5 March 2012 3:32

^ creep

Reply

Unlucky_Gun | 0

#4122323 - Monday 5 March 2012 3:35

Well good, that's the point of wording it that way

Reply

FmyLifeInsurance | 1

#4122902 - Monday 5 March 2012 6:12

Apology accepted?

Reply

beanterboss1 | 0

#4123082 - Monday 5 March 2012 7:43

1. Make me laugh
2. U have the best birthday ever

By 12vballchick12 | 5

#4121746 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:21

I love the wording to this FML! "My daily offer of turd on the porcelain throne..."

Reply

bearnblue | 0

#4122465 - Monday 5 March 2012 4:10

The ants emerged.. Very visual you should be a writter!

Reply

SmoshFan6 | 0

#4122496 - Monday 5 March 2012 4:14

Anyone else feel a tingle on their leg while reading this FML?

Reply

unitedfan11 | 0

#4122577 - Monday 5 March 2012 4:38

I wish my toilet looked like a porcelain throne : (

Reply

m16agent | 3

#4128915 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 19:04

Clearly the porcelain gods were not happy with his offering

Reply

CookieGirl4ever | 13

#4193124 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 1:27

It's just so poetic... :)

By aFreedom127 | 9

#4121748 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:22

They were coming to collect the offering.

Reply

DrMime | 10

#4122159 - Monday 5 March 2012 2:41

Pfft, turd? The gods demand blood!!!

Reply

eternalkaos | 7

#4122194 - Monday 5 March 2012 2:59

Ewwww

Reply

kooochris1995 | 14

#4122271 - Monday 5 March 2012 3:23

^ your.....pic.....has.....me..... Speechless!!!!!

Reply

Michaelsgirl04 | 9

#4122344 - Monday 5 March 2012 3:37

Really? Because her pic has me running to hide my $1 bills

Reply

deadman93 | 7

#4122867 - Monday 5 March 2012 6:05

wait blood from anywhere? or the poopshoot?

Reply

GVirdi | 11

#4123104 - Monday 5 March 2012 7:57

I thought the grasshoppers collect the offering? (bugs life reference)

Reply

Incredibly_Dope | 0

#4443068 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 18:45

Give it to the high and might king ant

By sydie5 | 12

#4121753 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:22

They were just coming to make their offering as well, no need to be frightened!

By Goatinsfriend | 8

#4121754 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:23

I would freak out as well.

Reply

SaMmIMonster96 | 6

#4123124 - Monday 5 March 2012 8:11

That makes two of us :[

Reply

ydi_4_suking | 20

#4123418 - Monday 5 March 2012 10:45

I guess 3 of you cuz OP freaked out to

By perdix | 29

#4121758 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:23

Eat more fiber. The god was not pleased with your offering.

Reply

alexup24 | 13

#4122316 - Monday 5 March 2012 3:33

Af least OP didn't drop their phone in

Reply

coried91 | 28

#4122621 - Monday 5 March 2012 4:58

85- I thought that's what the FML was going to about when I first started reading it..

Reply

toxicpinkcandy | 10

#4122728 - Monday 5 March 2012 5:31

Lmao (:

Reply

Ghouly_fml | 7

#4122884 - Monday 5 March 2012 6:08

*Epic Announcer Voice* Just when you thought it was safe to sit on the
"Porcelain Throne"
Duh Duh Duh!

By bigredmonkeybutt | 24

#4121760 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:23

If the log rolls over we'll all be dead.

Reply

GracesDelirium | 9

#4123005 - Monday 5 March 2012 7:05

That song was the first thing I thought of. HAHAHA.

By Chixken | 6

#4121762 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:23

I would have freaked out too If that happened to me.

By Morgannnnuhhh | 1

#4121766 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:24

That sounds like a horror movie....terrifying.

Reply

jbloogle | 10

#4122083 - Monday 5 March 2012 2:21

At least ants are mostly harmless, it could of been worse. O.O

Reply

Morgannnnuhhh | 1

#4122157 - Monday 5 March 2012 2:40

Haha, yeah. Coulda been snakes, or spiders.

Reply

kenttpt | 0

#4122405 - Monday 5 March 2012 3:52

Unless they are fire ants

Reply

ohboyfml22 | 0

#4122787 - Monday 5 March 2012 5:44

Or cockroaches ..

Reply

deadman93 | 7

#4122880 - Monday 5 March 2012 6:08

or velvet ants or least thats what we called em in oaklahoma. fuckers stings were apparently so terrible youd be on your knees instantly