Today, while making my daily offering of turd to the porcelain... - FML

By Anonymous - 4/3/2012 22:20 - Canada

Today, while making my daily offering of turd to the porcelain throne, I took out my phone and started playing a game. I suddenly felt a tickling sensation on my leg, and I freaked out as I saw hundreds of ants had emerged from behind the toilet. FML

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Superficial World

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

The student becomes the master

By fire - 15/12/2009 00:00 - United States

Today, I had to call 911. Why? My fireplace caught on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2010 04:11 - United States

Today, I met my recently divorced mother's new boyfriend. He is missing teeth and has long hair and a mangy beard. Horrified, I left the room, only to hear my mother telling my sister, "The sex is phenomenal!" FML

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By HomeImprover - 2/11/2016 17:34

Today, I rode my newly-purchased bicycle to Lowe's to look at flooring and back splashes for our upcoming remodel. Upon leaving the store, I found out that my bicycle had been stolen by someone who had bought a hacksaw from that store while I was shopping. They left the receipt to mock me. FML

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By mystupidson - 31/8/2011 03:30 - United States

Today, I visited my son at work. He's an interpreter for the government. As I watched him converse with a group of men, I was overcome with pride. Then the woman next to me said "I can't believe they're talking about that in public." They were discussing masturbation techniques. FML

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By RuasaLove - 30/7/2015 02:34 - United States - Pleasantville

Today, I was doing laundry while my boyfriend was sitting at the table playing on his phone. I glanced over and caught him watching my ass as I put clothes in the dryer. Trying to be sexy, I looked at him as I slowly bent over to put more clothes in. Instead, I hit my head hard on the dryer door. FML

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By Gretchen - 25/2/2011 01:56

Today, I went to see my banker. As we were finishing everything up, I leaned forward to sign something. As I went back to sit down, my 2 year old pulled the chair out from under me, and I crashed down to the floor. FML

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By notahomewrecker - 9/1/2010 16:07 - United States

Today, I got a call from the guy I'd been seeing for a few weeks. It was his wife calling to find out what was going on with us. He told me he was separated. He left his kids home alone to hook up with me. FML

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By NoColor - 29/10/2014 13:09 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my little sister decided to color-in my favorite black-and-white comic book. It was worth over $200. When I told my mother, she said, "Oh that old thing? I thought it was a stupid coloring book you were too stupid to color." FML

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By ericane27 - 27/12/2011 19:53 - United States

Today, I woke up to someone screaming "FIRE!" When I sat up, my face went right into my room-mate's ballsack. Apparently it was funny. FML

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By Happy 20th! - 28/7/2010 05:48 - United States

Today, it's my 20th birthday! Happy birthday to me! My boyfriend threw a beer can through my back wind-shield after breaking up with me. FML

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By loving grandaughter - 27/11/2010 11:28 - United States

Today, after months of cooking breakfast, lunch, and dinner for my husband's grandmother due to her getting a hip replacement, I overheard her calling me a whore over the phone from the next room. FML

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By jdch_99 - 3/11/2012 05:34 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I'm at home, sick with walking pneumonia and a raging UTI. Every time I cough, I piss myself. I'm now having to lie on a bath towel and garbage bags until the meds kick in. FML

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By BritneyFink - 4/2/2009 21:05 - Canada

Today, I bought a jacket with real fur on it. Turns out, i'm allergic and now my ears look like they have herpes on them. FML

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By Andy - 16/12/2009 20:43 - United States

Today, a mother and son were in my office. The kid wasn't feeling well and threw up. Mom covered his mouth with her hand, creating a vomit nozzle and covering me in puke. She yelled that I deserved to be sprayed on because I was not quick enough in getting a bucket for her son. FML

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By jwolt92 - 25/10/2016 02:27 - United States - Bourbonnais

Today, I felt something wet and warm on my arm. I looked down and saw a kid with his mouth attached to my arm. Didn't expect that out of a third grader. FML

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By jeoak - 30/1/2013 17:25 - India

Today, I was moving into my new apartment. The previous owner had refused to move out until today, and when I got there, I realized I didn't have a key. I was about to call him when I found out I didn't need to; he took the door. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2009 11:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I was eating cereal and decided to warm it up to see what it tasted like. So, using a candle in the room I placed my spoon over the flame and waited to see if it heated up. Pleased with my silly experiment, I put the spoon back in my mouth. I now can't talk because of my swollen tongue. FML

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By foo - 1/2/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, I'm a shy guy normally, and when I talk to my friends I don't keep eye contact so I always look down even when I'm listening. My friend asked me why I always look at her boobs. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2014 21:02 - United States - Antelope

Today, I was walking home, when a car heading the other way hit a traffic cone. I must have been an asshole in a previous life, because the universe decided to make sure the cone flew into the side of my head. The bystanders were shocked for all of two seconds before laughing. FML

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By thanks - 2/5/2014 18:20 - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's my 21st birthday. I got a call from my deadbeat dad, who I thought had finally mellowed and had something nice to say. Nope; he just told me I'm 21 years a disappointment, then hung up. FML

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By TVKill3r - 29/3/2013 00:57 - United States

Today, at work while near a cigarette tray outside, a man said, "Thanks for polluting our environment!" All I could say was, "What?" He then said "I'm speaking English you know!" I was cleaning the cigarette tray at the time, don't smoke at all, and was born here. FML

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By jobless - 30/4/2012 13:28 - United States

Today, I fell asleep during a job interview as it was taking place over the phone. FML

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By WHY - 1/4/2016 00:58 - United States - Fairfax

Today, I planned on "breaking up" with my best friend by confessing my love for her, hoping she would feel different and move on. She reciprocated. FML

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By Shantoya - 17/1/2009 19:49 - United States

Today, the guy I've secretly been in love with for years told me how hot my brother is. FML

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By smh - 27/6/2013 23:37 - United States - Milltown

Today, my sister called me up extremely excited because she found out Flo Rida is from Florida. She's 22. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2018 19:00

Today, I introduced myself, Pete, to my new coworkers at a shipyard. An hour into my shift, everyone started calling me re-Pete because I have a bit of a stutter. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2009 00:43 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend when we started messing around. Things were getting really hot when he gets a call from his best friend whose grandfather had just died. As they were talking and I heard her crying, he unzips his pants and mouths, "She won't know." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2019 06:13 - Canada - Vaudreuil

Be careful what you post on the Internet…

Today, my 10-year-old son's friend googled his name and found breastfeeding pictures that I had put on a personal website when he was 2 days-old. Now he gets laughed at, and his friends all saw pictures of my breasts. FML

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By "breemonster" - 20/12/2018 16:00

Today, I got an email notification. I opened up my email, and found m4m craigslist add responses. My boyfriend used my phone to login to his email yesterday. FML

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By Zibby - 11/2/2011 05:51

Today, I found out that applying toothpaste to your penis to make it taste good for your girlfriend is not a good idea. FML

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By Rubyscooby212 - 15/2/2015 04:07 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, alone on Valentine's day, I decided to eat chocolate and watch romantic comedies in bed. I had an allergic reaction to the chocolate which sent me to the ER. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2009 09:35 - Australia

Today, my husband decided it was time to tell me he had a 3 year old son. We have been married for 5 years. FML

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By Chelsy - 11/9/2019 12:00 - Australia - Canberra

Can he fix it?

Today, I found out that when my boyfriend is drunk he pretends to be Bob the Builder. FML

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By missmom83 - 24/4/2014 15:28 - United States - Torrington

Today, my toddler found my daughter's recorder from 3rd grade and figured out how to play the highest pitch note. Of course, my daughter pulls out her trombone to have a jam session. And I'm out of ibuprofen. FML

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By megaladon - 28/6/2010 08:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were messing around. When he slipped his hand down my pants, he scratched my pubic hair and said "scruffy, scruffy, scruffy." FML

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By Walker - 4/11/2009 20:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my parents, who are divorced, were arguing over who has to pay for my bus pass. They decided they wouldn't pay unless the other one did too. Neither will pay the £60 it'll cost for my bus pass. I now have to walk to school every day, in freezing winter weather. It's 9 miles. Each way. FML

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By thebabysitter - 14/8/2009 07:34 - United States

Today, I just got done watching my cousin's two kids for four days while they were on vacation. I fed, clothed, and bathed them for four days of hell and got paid with a $5 shark tooth necklace from the Bahamas. FML

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By Carlyclose - 16/6/2017 00:00

Today, I got rejected from Sephora, Walgreens and Ulta for being OVER-qualified with a post-graduate diploma in cosmetic chemistry. Then, I got rejected from Estée Lauder, LVMH and Proctor and Gamble for being UNDER-qualified with a post-graduate diploma in cosmetic chemistry. FML

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By whatever - 23/3/2009 06:46 - United States

Today, I was on a third date with a girl. Things had been going really well. At one point, the conversation lulled. After a moment of silence, she asked me what my greatest fantasy was. I told her that it was being a superhero. She told me that she meant sexual fantasy. I'm 25. FML

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By teacher - 31/8/2010 14:50 - United States

Today, I heard two of my students having a conversation. One asked what state Arizona was in, and the other replied Canada. I teach sixth grade social studies and they weren't joking. FML

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Top comments

By Sarah_moustache | 9

#4121738 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:20

Daily offering of turd? Hahaha. Sorry, but that made my day.

By aFreedom127 | 9

#4121748 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:22

They were coming to collect the offering.

Comments

By lexa1love | 16

#4121730 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:19

That is so terrible! I could not even imagine.
:(

Reply

sydie5 | 12

#4121776 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:24

Really? Cause I can, and it's pretty damn hilarious.

Reply

sorry4partyrockn | 0

#4121783 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:25

*queue dramatic music* And thats when you've got to fight to the finish!

Reply

LiveLaughFML | 10

#4121827 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:30

If you lived to tell the story, good for you! I probably would have had a panic attack right then and there.

Reply

YtotsDI | 0

#4121918 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:44

I love how this was written XD

Reply

loludunnomeee | 18

#4122048 - Monday 5 March 2012 2:10

Did you shit yourself when you saw them? Because then it worked out perfect

Reply

piccolocl | 0

#4122114 - Monday 5 March 2012 2:27

46- it's not "shitting yourself" if your on the toilet with the full intention to let out

Reply

BostonBruinsFan | 8

#4122223 - Monday 5 March 2012 3:10

It reminds me if the black and white movie with the giant ants invading…Anyone know what I'm talking about?

Reply

scottieclark | 4

#4122234 - Monday 5 March 2012 3:13

Ew!! That gross.

Reply

RrLSf19 | 0

#4122311 - Monday 5 March 2012 3:32

OP's exquisite vocabulary is the reason I got out of bed today.

Reply

NuTrees | 9

#4122459 - Monday 5 March 2012 4:09

Lol I'm on the toilet now and I could not resist checking to see if there were any bugs below.

Reply

MyPetNinja | 14

#4122510 - Monday 5 March 2012 4:19

70- Empire of the Ants. My old stepdad made me watch that movie when I was seven, I'm still confused at what the point of the movie was.

Reply

flatfatmat | 3

#4122575 - Monday 5 March 2012 4:37

I know this is stupid, but what does YDI and OP stand for

Reply

gr82bhere | 9

#4122624 - Monday 5 March 2012 5:00

You Deserve It and Original Poster

Reply

copy125 | 0

#4122645 - Monday 5 March 2012 5:06

I would of literally shit myself lol

Reply

BostonBruinsFan | 8

#4122657 - Monday 5 March 2012 5:08

103-But doesn't it remind you of it??

Reply

acccccccc | 1

#4122664 - Monday 5 March 2012 5:09

You Dumb Idiot, and Odd People

Reply

chocolemonade | 6

#4122680 - Monday 5 March 2012 5:13

Ants on a log?

Reply

nava1210 | 12

#4122704 - Monday 5 March 2012 5:18

53 - there is a lot of people thumbing you down but you do make a valid point..

Reply

calebhampton | 1

#4122740 - Monday 5 March 2012 5:36

Oh I already knew what ydi meant but I always thought op was other person i know stupid but I wouldn't know what else it'd be

Reply

Vegeto30294 | 19

#4122830 - Monday 5 March 2012 5:56

113 - Young Dicks Invading and Orgasming Penises

Reply

deadman93 | 7

#4122845 - Monday 5 March 2012 5:59

i probably wouldve been pissing and got it everywhere getting them off of me

Reply

deadman93 | 7

#4122856 - Monday 5 March 2012 6:02

as a heads up if you got Qs about something.here youre better off going to google youll get trolled with random words and "go to google"s

Reply

Ghouly_fml | 7

#4122864 - Monday 5 March 2012 6:05

113- don't listen to the stupid commenters friend it stands for Yuma death institute and orbital penis
^_^

Reply

livefreelylee | 0

#4123109 - Monday 5 March 2012 7:59

haha omg me too

Reply

Showtime00 | 0

#4123128 - Monday 5 March 2012 8:13

This made me flinch. haha >:3

Reply

jesscarrr | 10

#4123153 - Monday 5 March 2012 8:41

That's the fanciest term for 'taking a shit' I've heard yet!

Reply

Rei_Ayanami | 18

#4123210 - Monday 5 March 2012 9:00

70 - The movie is "Them" it's a real classic.

Reply

Jonkbaby | 18

#4123552 - Monday 5 March 2012 12:20

take a dump on the ants

Reply

AnonymousTroll | 2

#4123607 - Monday 5 March 2012 12:55

Kill it with fire!

By Sarah_moustache | 9

#4121738 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:20

Daily offering of turd? Hahaha. Sorry, but that made my day.

Reply

grahambertus | 11

#4121935 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:46

He also gives an offering of liquid gold as soon as he wakes up.

Reply

astarwarsfan | 0

#4121999 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:56

I am now going to use these phrases in my conversations.

Reply

zachherbert | 10

#4122100 - Monday 5 March 2012 2:24

Your offering didn't please the porcelain throne.

Reply

iceman420son | 7

#4122286 - Monday 5 March 2012 3:26

You pic made my day

Reply

TheSmoothDude | 10

#4122313 - Monday 5 March 2012 3:32

^ creep

Reply

Unlucky_Gun | 0

#4122323 - Monday 5 March 2012 3:35

Well good, that's the point of wording it that way

Reply

FmyLifeInsurance | 1

#4122902 - Monday 5 March 2012 6:12

Apology accepted?

Reply

beanterboss1 | 0

#4123082 - Monday 5 March 2012 7:43

1. Make me laugh
2. U have the best birthday ever

By 12vballchick12 | 5

#4121746 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:21

I love the wording to this FML! "My daily offer of turd on the porcelain throne..."

Reply

bearnblue | 0

#4122465 - Monday 5 March 2012 4:10

The ants emerged.. Very visual you should be a writter!

Reply

SmoshFan6 | 0

#4122496 - Monday 5 March 2012 4:14

Anyone else feel a tingle on their leg while reading this FML?

Reply

unitedfan11 | 0

#4122577 - Monday 5 March 2012 4:38

I wish my toilet looked like a porcelain throne : (

Reply

m16agent | 3

#4128915 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 19:04

Clearly the porcelain gods were not happy with his offering

Reply

CookieGirl4ever | 13

#4193124 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 1:27

It's just so poetic... :)

By aFreedom127 | 9

#4121748 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:22

They were coming to collect the offering.

Reply

DrMime | 10

#4122159 - Monday 5 March 2012 2:41

Pfft, turd? The gods demand blood!!!

Reply

eternalkaos | 7

#4122194 - Monday 5 March 2012 2:59

Ewwww

Reply

kooochris1995 | 14

#4122271 - Monday 5 March 2012 3:23

^ your.....pic.....has.....me..... Speechless!!!!!

Reply

Michaelsgirl04 | 9

#4122344 - Monday 5 March 2012 3:37

Really? Because her pic has me running to hide my $1 bills

Reply

deadman93 | 7

#4122867 - Monday 5 March 2012 6:05

wait blood from anywhere? or the poopshoot?

Reply

GVirdi | 11

#4123104 - Monday 5 March 2012 7:57

I thought the grasshoppers collect the offering? (bugs life reference)

Reply

Incredibly_Dope | 0

#4443068 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 18:45

Give it to the high and might king ant

By sydie5 | 12

#4121753 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:22

They were just coming to make their offering as well, no need to be frightened!

By Goatinsfriend | 8

#4121754 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:23

I would freak out as well.

Reply

SaMmIMonster96 | 6

#4123124 - Monday 5 March 2012 8:11

That makes two of us :[

Reply

ydi_4_suking | 20

#4123418 - Monday 5 March 2012 10:45

I guess 3 of you cuz OP freaked out to

By perdix | 29

#4121758 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:23

Eat more fiber. The god was not pleased with your offering.

Reply

alexup24 | 13

#4122316 - Monday 5 March 2012 3:33

Af least OP didn't drop their phone in

Reply

coried91 | 28

#4122621 - Monday 5 March 2012 4:58

85- I thought that's what the FML was going to about when I first started reading it..

Reply

toxicpinkcandy | 10

#4122728 - Monday 5 March 2012 5:31

Lmao (:

Reply

Ghouly_fml | 7

#4122884 - Monday 5 March 2012 6:08

*Epic Announcer Voice* Just when you thought it was safe to sit on the
"Porcelain Throne"
Duh Duh Duh!

By bigredmonkeybutt | 23

#4121760 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:23

If the log rolls over we'll all be dead.

Reply

GracesDelirium | 9

#4123005 - Monday 5 March 2012 7:05

That song was the first thing I thought of. HAHAHA.

By Chixken | 6

#4121762 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:23

I would have freaked out too If that happened to me.

By Morgannnnuhhh | 1

#4121766 - Monday 5 March 2012 1:24

That sounds like a horror movie....terrifying.

Reply

jbloogle | 10

#4122083 - Monday 5 March 2012 2:21

At least ants are mostly harmless, it could of been worse. O.O

Reply

Morgannnnuhhh | 1

#4122157 - Monday 5 March 2012 2:40

Haha, yeah. Coulda been snakes, or spiders.

Reply

kenttpt | 0

#4122405 - Monday 5 March 2012 3:52

Unless they are fire ants

Reply

ohboyfml22 | 0

#4122787 - Monday 5 March 2012 5:44

Or cockroaches ..

Reply

deadman93 | 7

#4122880 - Monday 5 March 2012 6:08

or velvet ants or least thats what we called em in oaklahoma. fuckers stings were apparently so terrible youd be on your knees instantly