Today, while leaving a football game, I saw a half-empty bottle...

By Anonymous - 17/10/2011 22:54 - United States

Today, while leaving a football game, I saw a half-empty bottle of Mountain Dew on the ground. It was night-time and there weren't many people around, so for a laugh, I picked it up and tossed it behind me as hard as I could. It hit someone. FML

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Miscellaneous

Who's a good boy?

The student becomes the master

Rich people problems

By patriarchal apparently - 29/6/2013 19:58 - Saint Lucia

Today, my girlfriend kicked me out for bringing up the idea of her maybe giving me a blowjob someday. According to her, it's "demeaning" and "sick". She doesn't seem to have a problem always making me go down on her for ages as a condition for having sex with me, though. FML

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By sadinthesack - 31/8/2009 18:56 - United States

Today, I was making love to my girlfriend and was pretty impressed with myself for lasting through multiple songs. Then I realized her ipod was playing a medley. I only lasted 3 1/2 minutes. FML

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By bigcityfail - 7/5/2011 11:54 - United States

Today, I learned that my apartment building has two new tenants: my ex-girlfriend and her fiancé, the guy she cheated on me with. FML

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By ugh mom! - 22/4/2020 20:00

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Today, my ridiculously paranoid mom was almost arrested after she caused a huge scene outside her apartment's leasing office. She demanded to pay her rent with a money order, even though they’re only accepting online payments due to the quarantine. She thinks they’re trying to steal her information. FML

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By APoorGuy - 15/3/2016 12:08 - United States - Chevy Chase

Today, I found $20 on the ground. I'm so broke, this is the first time in 3 months that I've had any disposable income. FML

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By tracie - 22/9/2010 00:00 - United States

Today, I took my dogs to an empty park. While they were running around, I laid down in the grass to read a book. Someone thought I was a dead body and called the cops. The police and paramedics showed up. This is the second time it's happened. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2009 05:19 - United States

Today, while my girlfriend and I were getting it on, she suddenly stopped and yelled "STOP!". I stopped, scared I'd hurt her. She then yelled "HAMMER TIME!" and started to dance. We never finished. FML

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By bloated - 4/11/2016 02:46 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I felt so self-conscious about my gut, I pushed it out and pretended I was pregnant rather than sucking it in. FML

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By Wells Fargo Worker - 18/5/2018 19:00

Well shit.

Today, at work, we were told by Wells Fargo that we'll be training our foreign replacements from India. After we train them, we're gone. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2012 05:21 - United States

Today, my oven decided that it was going to lock and clean itself right in the middle of cooking my steaks. FML

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By BrokeAF - 12/8/2018 08:30 - United States - Great Barrington

Today, my ex showed up to pick up our kids in her brand new car. Last month child support doubled my amount because of a paperwork error. FML

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By Unlucky - 15/11/2014 02:18 - Australia - Cairns

Today, I realized that at 20 years old I already have noticeable wrinkles around my eyes. But to balance it out, my chronic acne keeps me looking youthful. FML

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By inseriouspain - 22/8/2010 21:20 - United States

Today, I popped a zit and I went to put my acne medicine on it. It's in a clear bottle with a blue cap, just like the nearby nailpolish remover. I grabbed the wrong one. FML

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By No Job - 1/10/2015 01:42 - United States - Prairieville

Today, I was supposed to start my new job. I had forgotten I had a doctor's appointment, so I called work early and told them I wouldn't be able to start until tomorrow. My boss then terminated my employment. I got fired before I even started. FML

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By david - 28/4/2009 14:08 - United States

Today, I decided to smoke a cigarette while I was driving to work. I was also eating french fries during the drive. I had never realized how much a cigarette feels like a french fry. In conclusion, cigarettes don't taste very good when you bite into them. FML

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By geena - 27/10/2012 06:42 - United States - Washington

Today, while at work being a waitress, I gave my customer his credit card receipt to sign. Instead of giving him a pen, I pulled a tampon out of my apron pocket and handed it to him. FML

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By poorcollegestudent - 30/10/2009 20:32 - Canada

Today, I went to my university bookstore and tried to use my debit card to pay, but got the "Insufficient Funds" notification. I was buying a single postage stamp, which costs 57 cents. FML

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By iwearsilkgownstoeatwaffles - 12/8/2013 14:30 - United States - Mabank

Today, my 26-year-old boyfriend came to my apartment to spend the night for the first time. He brought a "blankie" that he insisted was the only thing that could help him sleep. That "blankie" was his ex-girlfriend's silk nightgown. FML

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By I hate that game - 23/11/2013 16:11 - United Kingdom - Wigan

Today, I was playing monopoly with my boyfriend and a few friends. After I bankrupted my boyfriend, he turned to me and said, "I fucked your best friend last night, so who really won?" I turned to the best friend in question, she looked at the board and said, "I'd like to buy a house please." FML

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By Sam - 9/3/2019 14:00

Today, I was shopping with my girlfriend at the mall at Victoria's Secret. We got separated, after which I saw 3 of my students. I teach middle school. FML

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By Scaredshitless - 3/2/2010 13:48 - France

Today, after waiting to get home to go to the bathroom, my six year old neighbor popped out and literally scared the shit out of me. FML

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By Jenna - 30/6/2011 00:04 - United States

Today, I was making pudding and accidentally spilt some on the floor. I had no idea until I slipped in it, throwing the bowl of pudding on my head. My mom promised to take me to the hospital as soon as she got a picture. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2012 04:04 - Australia

Today, I witnessed my girlfriend and best "friend" getting intimate. In a dim-witted attempt to cover up, my best friend proclaimed, "This isn't what it looks like!" I might have given him the benefit of the doubt, had he not still been inside my girlfriend at the time. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2019 14:05

Today, my mom called me to tell me she'd got in touch with my ex for his birthday, and that the two of them had made a plan for us to get back together. My new boyfriend was in the process of proposing to me. FML

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By Dockin - 14/2/2019 15:37 - India

Today, I slashed my ass open with a shard of glass. How? I was making out with my crush, and threw my glasses on the ground. I forgot about them when we decided to lie down. FML

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By JessicaandGhazi - 9/6/2020 08:04

So hard

Today, my boyfriend and I were laying in bed after having sex. I commented on him still having an erection after having an orgasm. He said it happens whenever he has a strong orgasm. Then he added, "And surprisingly, I was even thinking about you when it happened." FML

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By mumblingdope - 25/5/2016 08:52 - Indonesia - Jakarta

Today, I decided to have a hot cup of coffee. Then I stumbled on a chair and somehow spilled the hot liquid on my privates. The searing pain worked better to wake me up than the coffee itself. FML

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By Roses are Red - 7/3/2013 06:07 - United States - Ridgeland

Today, I sent a dozen roses and a hand-written, heart-felt note to my ex-girlfriend to show her that I'm still madly in love with her. When I asked if she got the flowers I sent, she replied, "Yeah but you got the wrong color. You should've gotten yellow, that stands for friendship." FML

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By turtles_yup - 3/12/2015 05:50 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while at a fastfood restaurant, I wanted to wash my hands. The restrooms were locked, so a cashier got the key and opened the mens restroom. This would have been fine if I wasn't a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2013 10:49 - United States

Today, my grandmother has been complaining that I spend too much on food, so I started cooking food from scratch. I happily showed her my recipe book and encouraged her to try a few. She then mocked me for wasting time by not buying frozen food. FML

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By LoveStruck- - 10/2/2010 07:29 - United States

Today, I hung out with my boyfriend for the first time in two weeks. We were cuddling on the couch when he suddenly stands up. I thought he was going to hug me, but then he turned around, pinned my shoulders back so I couldn't move, and farted in my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2011 18:46 - United States

Today, I spent my remaining cash on a doctor's visit, only to find out that at the age of 22, I'm getting major health problems brought on by stress. I came home to relax, only to find out my roommate can't pay his rent, and needs me to cover for him so we don't get evicted. FML

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By JLO - 18/8/2011 14:11 - Australia

Today, I noticed that a picture of me on my Mum and Dad's wall looked different. On closer inspection, I realised they'd recently painted over my teeth with white paint. I asked them why, and they said they looked 'discoloured'. It's my wedding photo. FML

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By Ariel_Mariaa - 4/11/2011 23:25 - Canada

Today, I went to see the latest Paranormal Activity movie with my mother. We were terrified and held hands at one point. The person sitting behind us thought it would be hilarious to abruptly scream into my mother's ear. She reacted by flailing and driving her arm straight into my face. FML

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By vitalcheese - 20/5/2009 19:12 - United States

Today, I was walking around my house without a shirt on after my shower. I picked up my cat and walked around the corner... Just as my dad turned on the vacuum. Now I have 6 rather deep bloody holes in my shoulder and chest. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2017 20:00

Seems fair

Today, so far, 3 of my employees have requested tomorrow off because of "emotional damage" due to Toys 'R' Us closing. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2018 16:00 - United States - Cranford

Today, my brother met my girlfriend for the first time. Instead of making a good first impression, the first thing he did was talk about how he just took a massive dump and didn't wipe very well, and that's why his hand smelled bad. FML

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By phoenix101 - 16/5/2011 05:40

Today, my girlfriend asked if we could spice up our sex life. She didn't think it was too funny when I laid out all of our spices on the bed. She now refuses to have sex. FML

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By strangeprincess - 9/9/2019 16:00

RIP, Moggie

Today, I had to put my cat to sleep after she was in an accident. While I was crying hysterically, the vet asked me for $230. FML

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By Yeah - 24/10/2014 05:02 - United States - El Paso

Today, I got approached by a lady while eating at a fast-food restaurant who asked if I could spare five dollars. Confidently, I pulled out my wallet to show her that I had no cash, only to reveal a perfectly crisp five dollar bill that I had completely forgotten about. FML

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Top comments

By illmatic2 | 16

#3447058 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:05

You shouldn't dew that again.

By BOOSCAREDU | 0

#3447056 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:05

Why? How would you get a laugh from it?

Comments

By BOOSCAREDU | 0

#3447056 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:05

Why? How would you get a laugh from it?

DrDilllonReese | 12

#3447099 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:08

You'd be surprised at what entertains these cavepeople....

holybuckets | 0

#3447116 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:09

Silly Pennsylvanians..

DrDilllonReese | 12

#3447209 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:17

I'm Pennsylvanian... I don't find this entertaining... Stereotypes at their finest...

Dispute | 3

#3447380 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:40

Oh my gosh this is gonna be hilarious! Oh crap I hit someone in a highly populated area! :o

DrDilllonReese | 12

#3447434 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:45

Haha Pennsylvania is a lot more populated than people give it credit for, it has more Representatives than many states can claim.

LiyIa_fml | 8

#3447443 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:47

Sooooo just say sorry, laugh, and move on. Thats what I do!

the_pan1c | 5

#3447447 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:47

I think its more of an fml for the person who got hit, 'Today, some random guy decided that for a laugh he'd chuck a half empty mountain dew bottle behind him. It hit me. FML' LOL

Notimetobleed | 13

#3447885 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 4:05

Field goal...

fr33m3xican | 0

#3448069 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 4:33

what have we learned today?

brittney4598 | 0

#3448110 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 4:39

If he threw it behind himself for a laugh, didn't he expect/want it to hit someone?..

fanceh | 10

#3448200 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 4:53

Wait, so you are leaving a football game, which tends to cause huge cluster fucks of people, then assume because it is night time, nobody is around? The stupidity of peoples amuses me.

ChrisGarlick | 1

#3448215 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 4:57

Pennsylvania is the shit. Texas is dumb

lemon_phat | 11

#3448281 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 5:08

108- not all objects are thrown with the intent to hit people...

Reign_fml | 3

#3448394 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 5:28

Am I the only person that thought this fml was going to end with op drinking piss after reading the first line?

kewlkate | 9

#3448497 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 5:45

Ahahahhahaha. Wait... I don't get it... :/

zowieandzander77 | 1

#3448584 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 6:08

I def thought that was going to be the end too

aceman1992 | 9

#3448694 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 6:32

118- your a Dick.

detroitsucks247 | 3

#3448797 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 6:48

lol i saw some guy at the bears game get hit with a bottle. 0.o

detroitsucks247 | 3

#3448799 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 6:48

lol i saw some guy at the bears game get hit with a bottle. 0.o

detroitsucks247 | 3

#3448801 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 6:48

lol i saw some guy at the bears game get hit with a bottle. 0.o

hinchkongfang | 0

#3449007 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 7:43

148, 49 and 150, did it REALLY need to be said 3 times?

jellitonoctopus | 19

#3449368 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 10:21

126- i thought the same after I read the first line too!

signuplogin | 1

#3449471 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 11:49

I thought he was gonna drink it haha

homieskillet | 0

#3449554 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 12:14

He's a retard

dubsqueet | 0

#3449711 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 12:40

immediately.

dre_bro11 | 12

#3450020 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 14:09

54, if you're some random walking behind OP, how do you know he was throwing it 'for laughs'?

Also, quit with the territorial remarks. No place is better than another. You're all from the same country, right.

birdofparadise | 16

#3452163 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 21:39

He totally deserves it for Dew Abuse.

ohxdamnxkay02 | 12

#3452464 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 22:28

i love Pennsylvania..

Sydknee | 8

#3454122 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 3:11

"half-empty"... this person is a pessimist.

DrDilllonReese | 12

#3454617 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 4:51

175- no place is better than any other? Heres a counter example. A private neighborhood compared to a ghetto.

ImFrackinBored | 13

#3455068 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 9:01

OP must be a pretty exciting person...

chels1994 | 11

#3463362 - Thursday 20 October 2011 22:52

you and i both -_-

By illmatic2 | 16

#3447058 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:05

You shouldn't dew that again.

Dudelike89 | 8

#3447102 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:08

Or he'll be in a mountain of trouble.

DrewsFML | 8

#3447273 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:26

Next time look both ways so you don't accidentally stick your can in someone else's face.

Tobias5505 | 0

#3447278 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:26

IOC he does it again, it'll be code red

nalia18 | 8

#3447539 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 3:06

I didnt know you could be hit on my an empty can... Eh eh?... No.

truebrotrue | 7

#3447976 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 4:18

67-your picture frightens me

MrSexyPants | 14

#3448205 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 4:55

illmatic and his puns are back! :D

archava | 0

#3448526 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 5:53

booooooo!

claiiire_fml | 17

#3448590 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 6:09

ahhh! oh, 135, you scared me.

FreshlyCut | 0

#3448841 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 6:51

Haven't you heard heard that song by lover boy?A pig and an elephant DNA just won't splice.

alsnyder12 | 0

#3469031 - Saturday 22 October 2011 3:00

It's like saying you dropped something. And then saying it fell.

By ed1970 | 6

#3447066 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:06

You're kind of a jerk.

xmayne | 0

#3447606 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 3:16

You're a jerk for calling op a jerk for no reason.

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#3447808 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 3:50

Personally, I think anyone who picks up litter just to toss it again is a jerk. Throwing it where it could hit someone is a complete dick move.

By lmfaoloool | 0

#3447068 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:06

Why .. Just why .. lol

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3448442 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 5:36

The real FML is that OP was actually recycling like a boss, but some idiot stepped in between OP and the bin.

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3448495 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 5:44

Oh my.
I forgot a hyphen. :(

btnhdude | 0

#3449452 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 11:28

Why?!?! Ju-jus*sniffle*
... just... W-w-why....
Ju-js-just... Just... Just why
LOL.

thekewlest69 | 8

#3474515 - Sunday 23 October 2011 4:35

hahaha this is some funny s***

By helloimmia | 4

#3447070 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:06

Well oops.

By xoxogossipgirl9 | 6

#3447078 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:06

it's more like f the other person's life

xmayne | 0

#3447550 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 3:07

I'd reply to this but it would just be moderated.

By every1luvsboners | 11

#3447083 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:07

If I was the person that you hit I would have shoved that bottle up your arse until you told me that you loved it.

MrSassypants | 32

#3447616 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 3:18

Then after he tells you he loves it stick it up so more because, well, he loves it.

thisisafunnyname | 12

#3448135 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 4:44

Today after seeing my favorite football team get fucked in the ass, while leaving the stadium some asshe threw a half full can of mountain dew at me. FML