Today, while leaving a football game, I saw a half-empty bottle...

By Anonymous - 17/10/2011 22:54 - United States

Today, while leaving a football game, I saw a half-empty bottle of Mountain Dew on the ground. It was night-time and there weren't many people around, so for a laugh, I picked it up and tossed it behind me as hard as I could. It hit someone. FML

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Miscellaneous

Understandable

Proactive

Risky business

By LostSoul - 19/7/2019 14:02

Today, I was at a store. I asked if I needed a key for their bathroom, and they said the door was open. I have to walk past them to go in and out of the bathroom. Thirty seconds later, they used the key and walked in on me. FML

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By photoman - 14/7/2014 09:31 - Austria - Vienna

Today, I was informed by a laughing friend, that my phone must be taking and uploading photos to Google+. Among numerous black shots, there is a particularly nice one of me while I'm sitting on the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2011 16:30 - Reserved

Caught

Today, I had to escort some dumbass teenager from Home Depot after I found him masturbating in one of the model washrooms. FML

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By umm... - 30/3/2020 23:00 - Australia - Canberra

It's a witch!

Today, I caught my boyfriend in the bathtub interrogating his penis and "drowning" it when it wouldn't answer him. FML

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By oh my fucking god - 10/7/2014 13:34 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my fiancée has been saying, "Shit's gone cray-cray" for over a week. I finally snapped. When I was done ranting, she murmured, "Baby, don't be cray-cray". FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2020 05:02

And probably giggling

Today, I realized our cat has a sixth sense for when he wants to be seen. When we don't care where the cat is, he's within plain sight. When we lose track of him and are in a panic worrying if he got out, he's hiding. FML

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By emmmbo - 19/12/2011 15:40 - Australia

Today, my brother and I proposed to our girlfriends at the same time. We had perfect synchronization after practicing for days. My brother's girlfriend said yes, mine said no. FML

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By Lickmylovepump - 19/1/2012 04:09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend insisted that we try phone sex. He started telling me all the things he wanted to do to me while breathing heavily. Unfortunately, it sounded so ridiculous, I burst out laughing. He hung up on me, and has refused to pick up since. FML

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By Jerrrr - 27/5/2009 00:22 - United States

Today, I wanted revenge on the rabbit who ate my garden's plants. When he returned, he was standing next to my brand new above-ground swimming pool. I pull out my 22. rifle and shot at it, but the bullet missed and popped a hole in my pool. 15,000 gallons of water flooded my basement. FML

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By MDoremis - 24/2/2015 04:58 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I bought How To Train Your Dragon and the cashier started complaining how her kids keep demanding dragon stuff and that mine will start after they see the movie. I don't have any kids, and I didn't have the courage to tell her I was buying it for myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 20:01

She's lost control again

Today, I had an unexpected sneezing fit and drove my car through 2 trees and a fence. FML

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989

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209

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2009 04:29 - Korea Republic of

Today, I picked up my passport, as my previous one was damaged in a car crash. As the teller warns me that a pattern of damaged passports will result in longer processing periods, she spills her coffee - all over my new passport. I'm supposed to go overseas in a month. FML

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By Username - 30/4/2011 04:49 - United States

Today, I was cruising with a coworker and his friend, and I started getting tired. His friend offered me a caffeine pill. It wasn't caffeine. It was laxatives. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2018 13:30

Today, my husband hooked up with his classmate in the school I talked him into going to. I helped him pass classes to get there. FML

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By no one - 19/6/2011 18:46 - United States

Today, my back hurt really badly, so I decided to stay in bed. After a while, I sat up to shut the door. When I leaned over to reach it, I fell off my bed and face-planted the floor. After picking myself up and getting comfortable in my bed again, I realized the door was still open. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2011 16:34 - United States

Today, I went to my gyn to see what a painful lump is under my armpit. Turns out it's breast tissue, and yes, it will fill up with milk when I'm pregnant. I essentially have three boobs. FML

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By BRELLA - 3/2/2009 19:58 - United States

The wrong kind of banging

Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with a girl from home who I'd wanted for a long time. She has low blood pressure problems though, and when things got hot, she passed out while she was on top of me, fell and hit her head on the night stand. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2013 06:37 - United States

Today, I found out that my phone fits perfectly through the slot between the elevator and the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2010 01:28 - Canada

Today, as I got to my first class seat on an airplane, I saw the person I'd be sitting next to wafting the smell of her vagina towards herself and breathing in deeply. It's an eight hour flight. FML

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By overreacting - 3/4/2015 06:08 - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I picked up a rock outside and put it in my pocket because it looked cool. A teacher holding the door open stopped me and sent me to the principal. I was confused and asked the teacher why the strict action. She replied that someone has been putting rocks in the toilet. I got a detention. FML

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By maxmess - 21/6/2016 21:39

Today, I'm staying with my in-laws. I'm obsessive about cleanliness and neatness. They're candidates for a certain show about hoarders. I want to shower in bleach. FML

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By Kitkat - 2/5/2020 14:00

Experts, schmexperts

Today, my mom took medical advice from her friend over mine. Her friend sells cheese and I'm a pharmacist. FML

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By SKuser - 19/5/2009 08:09 - China

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She later came into the T-Mobile that I work at to return the Sidekick that I bought for her. I had to transfer her account to a new Iphone. She got the Iphone from her new boyfriend, who works across the street from me. FML

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By public pooper - 25/4/2013 00:16 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a guy I really like. I let him use my phone, forgetting about the messages I'd sent about the consistency of my bowel movements. FML

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By anonymous - 8/1/2016 06:49 - United States

Today, I arrived at work to find a bullet hole in the window of the storefront we're leasing. Security assured me it had always been there and the glass shards on the floor had somehow been missed in my many vacuum passes and the pre-lease inspection two months ago, so no need to worry or fix it. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2017 06:00

Thanks?

Today, I went out with a guy who, about 20 minutes into our dinner, said, "Wow, you don't sweat much for a fat chick." FML

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By How's the salmon? - 10/5/2015 06:00 - United States

Today, my drunken mother shouted to me at the top of her lungs, "All men are fucking assholes, and your new husband is no different!" during our wedding reception. All he did was ask her how she liked the salmon. FML

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By Kyle - 9/11/2012 06:57 - United States - Alpharetta

Today, I was told I look like a Simpson. I don't have blond hair, or any of the features of them. So I asked which one. I was told Homer because we both could use Weight Watchers and an education. FML

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By Disgusted - 5/7/2009 06:30 - United States

Today, I met my biological mother for the first time. I also found out from her husband that she has her nipples and nether regions pierced. FML

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By Brad - 5/7/2020 20:01

Home invasion

Today, I woke up and got out of my room to find two pit bulls viciously tearing up my couch. I have never owned a dog and I live alone. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/3/2016 20:57 - United States - Valley Stream

Today, my roommate reached a whole new level of laziness: I caught him casually peeing into an empty beer bottle while laying in bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2011 01:24 - United States

Today, I made a fake Facebook account for a girl, and then set my relationship status to make it look like the fake person was my girlfriend. Someone found out and hacked the fake account. My fake girlfriend just dumped me over Facebook. FML

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By bad birthdays - 16/8/2014 05:09 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, it's my birthday. When I asked my mom if we were gonna do anything special for my birthday. She said, "don't lie to me. It's not your birthday." FML

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By maximumpower - 15/3/2009 01:46 - United States

Today, I was eating at a restaurant in town, when this small boy starts looking at me. I simply smiled and went back to eating, only to hear out of the corner of my ear, "Daddy, why does that kids face look like that"? He said it so loud 3 tables next to us turned and looked. FML

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By twinkie2 - 21/1/2011 08:35 - United States

Today, I treated myself to a cheeseburger. I left it on my coffee table while I grabbed a napkin from the kitchen. While I was gone my dog ate it. Then puked it up all over my carpet. Which I then had to clean up. FML

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By BaconGirl - 8/7/2016 06:00

Today, it has been my lifelong dream to work with animals. My dream sorta came true. I now work at the slaughterhouse. FML

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By considering murder - 25/3/2016 17:19 - United States - Huntington Beach

Today, I finally put the finishing touches on a huge project after 8 months of gruelling work. My boss had used the promise of a 5-figure bonus to motivate me. When I casually brought the bonus up later in the day, my boss just said "Gratitude's its own reward, Mike." FML

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By in_pain - 6/5/2011 23:23 - Canada

Today, my doctor called and asked me when I could have my broken hand x-rayed again. I said the ER staff had told me it was a bad sprain over two weeks ago. I'm now in a full cast, and have to have my partially healed bones re-broken. There goes my summer. FML

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By mandy - 1/8/2009 01:51 - Australia

Today, my mum deleted my college research assignment on rape because the subject was too vulgar. I had worked on it for the past month and it was worth 50% of my grade. It's due tomorrow. FML

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By Jaybird1587 - 3/8/2009 12:43 - United States

Today, I was just about to get in the shower, when I heard a loud crunch. I thought to myself, boy the neighbours next door must be doing some heavy construction. Two seconds after that thought, my brother knocked on the door to inform me that the neighbours tree had just fallen on my car. FML

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Top comments

By illmatic2 | 16

#3447058 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:05

You shouldn't dew that again.

By BOOSCAREDU | 0

#3447056 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:05

Why? How would you get a laugh from it?

COMMENTS

By BOOSCAREDU | 0

#3447056 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:05

Why? How would you get a laugh from it?

DrDilllonReese | 12

#3447099 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:08

You'd be surprised at what entertains these cavepeople....

holybuckets | 0

#3447116 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:09

Silly Pennsylvanians..

DrDilllonReese | 12

#3447209 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:17

I'm Pennsylvanian... I don't find this entertaining... Stereotypes at their finest...

Dispute | 3

#3447380 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:40

Oh my gosh this is gonna be hilarious! Oh crap I hit someone in a highly populated area! :o

DrDilllonReese | 12

#3447434 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:45

Haha Pennsylvania is a lot more populated than people give it credit for, it has more Representatives than many states can claim.

LiyIa_fml | 8

#3447443 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:47

Sooooo just say sorry, laugh, and move on. Thats what I do!

the_pan1c | 5

#3447447 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:47

I think its more of an fml for the person who got hit, 'Today, some random guy decided that for a laugh he'd chuck a half empty mountain dew bottle behind him. It hit me. FML' LOL

Notimetobleed | 14

#3447885 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 4:05

Field goal...

fr33m3xican | 0

#3448069 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 4:33

what have we learned today?

brittney4598 | 0

#3448110 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 4:39

If he threw it behind himself for a laugh, didn't he expect/want it to hit someone?..

fanceh | 10

#3448200 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 4:53

Wait, so you are leaving a football game, which tends to cause huge cluster fucks of people, then assume because it is night time, nobody is around? The stupidity of peoples amuses me.

ChrisGarlick | 1

#3448215 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 4:57

Pennsylvania is the shit. Texas is dumb

lemon_phat | 11

#3448281 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 5:08

108- not all objects are thrown with the intent to hit people...

Reign_fml | 3

#3448394 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 5:28

Am I the only person that thought this fml was going to end with op drinking piss after reading the first line?

kewlkate | 9

#3448497 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 5:45

Ahahahhahaha. Wait... I don't get it... :/

zowieandzander77 | 1

#3448584 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 6:08

I def thought that was going to be the end too

aceman1992 | 9

#3448694 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 6:32

118- your a Dick.

detroitsucks247 | 3

#3448797 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 6:48

lol i saw some guy at the bears game get hit with a bottle. 0.o

detroitsucks247 | 3

#3448799 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 6:48

lol i saw some guy at the bears game get hit with a bottle. 0.o

detroitsucks247 | 3

#3448801 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 6:48

lol i saw some guy at the bears game get hit with a bottle. 0.o

hinchkongfang | 0

#3449007 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 7:43

148, 49 and 150, did it REALLY need to be said 3 times?

jellitonoctopus | 19

#3449368 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 10:21

126- i thought the same after I read the first line too!

signuplogin | 1

#3449471 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 11:49

I thought he was gonna drink it haha

homieskillet | 0

#3449554 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 12:14

He's a retard

dubsqueet | 0

#3449711 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 12:40

immediately.

dre_bro11 | 12

#3450020 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 14:09

54, if you're some random walking behind OP, how do you know he was throwing it 'for laughs'?

Also, quit with the territorial remarks. No place is better than another. You're all from the same country, right.

birdofparadise | 16

#3452163 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 21:39

He totally deserves it for Dew Abuse.

ohxdamnxkay02 | 12

#3452464 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 22:28

i love Pennsylvania..

Sydknee | 8

#3454122 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 3:11

"half-empty"... this person is a pessimist.

DrDilllonReese | 12

#3454617 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 4:51

175- no place is better than any other? Heres a counter example. A private neighborhood compared to a ghetto.

ImFrackinBored | 13

#3455068 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 9:01

OP must be a pretty exciting person...

chels1994 | 11

#3463362 - Thursday 20 October 2011 22:52

you and i both -_-

By illmatic2 | 16

#3447058 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:05

You shouldn't dew that again.

Dudelike89 | 8

#3447102 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:08

Or he'll be in a mountain of trouble.

DrewsFML | 8

#3447273 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:26

Next time look both ways so you don't accidentally stick your can in someone else's face.

Tobias5505 | 0

#3447278 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:26

IOC he does it again, it'll be code red

nalia18 | 8

#3447539 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 3:06

I didnt know you could be hit on my an empty can... Eh eh?... No.

truebrotrue | 7

#3447976 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 4:18

67-your picture frightens me

MrSexyPants | 14

#3448205 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 4:55

illmatic and his puns are back! :D

archava | 0

#3448526 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 5:53

booooooo!

claiiire_fml | 17

#3448590 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 6:09

ahhh! oh, 135, you scared me.

FreshlyCut | 0

#3448841 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 6:51

Haven't you heard heard that song by lover boy?A pig and an elephant DNA just won't splice.

alsnyder12 | 0

#3469031 - Saturday 22 October 2011 3:00

It's like saying you dropped something. And then saying it fell.

By ed1970 | 6

#3447066 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:06

You're kind of a jerk.

xmayne | 0

#3447606 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 3:16

You're a jerk for calling op a jerk for no reason.

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#3447808 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 3:50

Personally, I think anyone who picks up litter just to toss it again is a jerk. Throwing it where it could hit someone is a complete dick move.

By lmfaoloool | 0

#3447068 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:06

Why .. Just why .. lol

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3448442 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 5:36

The real FML is that OP was actually recycling like a boss, but some idiot stepped in between OP and the bin.

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3448495 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 5:44

Oh my.
I forgot a hyphen. :(

btnhdude | 0

#3449452 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 11:28

Why?!?! Ju-jus*sniffle*
... just... W-w-why....
Ju-js-just... Just... Just why
LOL.

thekewlest69 | 9

#3474515 - Sunday 23 October 2011 4:35

hahaha this is some funny s***

By helloimmia | 4

#3447070 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:06

Well oops.

By xoxogossipgirl9 | 6

#3447078 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:06

it's more like f the other person's life

xmayne | 0

#3447550 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 3:07

I'd reply to this but it would just be moderated.

By every1luvsboners | 11

#3447083 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 2:07

If I was the person that you hit I would have shoved that bottle up your arse until you told me that you loved it.

MrSassypants | 32

#3447616 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 3:18

Then after he tells you he loves it stick it up so more because, well, he loves it.

thisisafunnyname | 12

#3448135 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 4:44

Today after seeing my favorite football team get fucked in the ass, while leaving the stadium some asshe threw a half full can of mountain dew at me. FML