Today, while I was washing my hands, I sneezed so hard that I...

By Anonymous - 28/1/2012 17:09 - United States

Today, while I was washing my hands, I sneezed so hard that I smacked my head against the faucet. I now have a lump the size of a goose egg on my head. I'm not sure if it's going to hatch, or if that's just the brain damage talking. FML

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Health

Gratitude walks

What did I do?

Property law

By babasheep - 20/6/2009 05:17 - Canada

Today, after dieting and working out for almost 3 months, I sit down on my chair to finish off some work. It broke. FML

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By MERRY FUCKMYARSEMASS - 26/12/2013 20:39 - United Kingdom

Today, my car broke down on the highway, and I had to call for a tow truck. It finally showed up, only to break down too less than a mile later. Cue nearly freezing to death while we waited for help to arrive for the both of us. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2020 02:01

Send virtual hugs

Today, I'm jealous of people who get to hug. My mom has banned hugs in the house because of COVID-19, and the only person I've hugged in the last 6 months is my boyfriend. He's been away for work for the past month and a half. FML

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By Lifeless - 1/6/2011 07:39 - United States

Today, I got into a staring contest with my dog. I actually cheered when I won. FML

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By Quendolin - 9/11/2015 14:07 - Germany

Today, I put one of those checkout dividers in front of my groceries on the conveyor belt in the supermarket. The guy standing in front of me turned around, looked me straight in the eye and said "I don't trust you." as he put a second divider between our groceries. FML

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By pledonasm - 15/3/2015 16:11 - India - Thane

Today, I took my son to the playground and watched him have fun. Minutes later, I was being shoved around and called a pedophile because I was there alone with no wife. By the time I convinced them I was innocent, my son was bawling. FML

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By briscoe - 29/9/2015 02:48 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I was on the train next to an elderly woman. When I told her it was my stop, she turned her knees towards the aisle, and I, thinking that she was letting me go by, began to edge past. She screamed, "DON'T PUSH ME!" and the whole train turned to look. I was thus the asshole pushing the old lady. FML

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By buttcrack - 18/2/2010 05:31 - United States

Today, I got fired. To make things worse, I had to sit in three-hour bumper to bumper traffic, waiting for a wreck to clear on my way home. In front of me was a fat man with a hairy butt crack on a motorcycle. I was forced to stare at a fat, underwear-less man's ass for 3 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2015 17:19 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, I walked in on my 17-year-old brother jerking it to a scene from the movie Frozen. Brain bleach, please. FML

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By Amberizzle - 26/9/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, it is my three-year-anniversary with my boyfriend. I asked if he had planned anything for us, and he said yes. My parents volunteered to watch our daughter, I got all excited, and apparently our "plans" are to watch a football game. What do I get to do? Make sandwiches. For him. FML

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By TheSacredTeddyBear - 31/7/2013 03:06 - United States - Independence

Today, I finally gave away all of the stuffed animals that I've been hoarding for years. Proud, I told my family. They congratulated me by buying me stuffed animals. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2010 19:02 - Chile

Today, I gave my boss the paperwork to approve my commissions for the month. She wouldn't sign it, saying, "Maybe I'm crazy, but I feel that I've signed this before." She hasn't. I have no commission, and my boss is crazy. FML

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By WhereIsIt? - 25/9/2020 22:01 - Australia - North Lakes

Frustration

Today, I came home from a nine-hour shift and all I want is to sit down with a glass of Baileys. I can't find the key to the liquor cabinet. FML

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By Rusty - 3/7/2015 19:02 - United States - New City

Today, I found out that my parents secretly throw away any food I cook for them, because they think I might try to poison them. FML

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By UsedForSurgery - 28/10/2017 01:30

Today, after having surgery, I called my family to tell them I was out, safe, and on my way home. The first thing they asked was if they could "borrow" some of my pain meds. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2009 17:39 - United States

Today, I took a call. Wrong number. A few seconds later, they called back and I told her that she had the wrong number. She said she just hit redial and didn't understand how she got me again. I tried to explain how redial works. She called me a moron and hung up. Then my phone rang again. FML

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By kallens - 17/1/2009 20:57 - United States

Today, I was putting a wristband on a little boy's wrist so he could swim in the waterpark. Just before I finished, he coughed all over my hands and arms. I finished and looked up at the boy just in time for us to make eye contact and for him to cough directly into my face. FML

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By anonymous - 20/2/2015 23:49 - United States - Paragould

Today, it was snowing but I had to let my dog out, so I picked him up and carried him outside. I slipped, landed on him and ended up breaking his leg. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2015 09:32 - Canada - Prince George

Today, it's been 2 days since my boyfriend "accidentally" slipped into the wrong hole while continuing to hammer me at full speed. I still can't poop or even walk right. FML

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By Too Many Credits - 8/4/2017 20:00

Today, after having too many projects for end of term, I asked to borrow my sister's paper that she used for the same class last year. After submitting it online, I found the example paper that the teacher handed out. My teacher used my sister's paper from last year as an example for us. FML

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By HoratioNo - 14/8/2013 06:41 - United States - Stockton

Today, I found out that my dad writes really weird and scary slash fiction involving characters from all of the CSI TV show franchises. FML

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By WTFsalad - 18/2/2010 02:46 - United States

Today, I was leaving Wal-Mart with my daughter when a man was speeding the wrong way in the parking lot. To avoid getting hit, I pulled over to the side. He thought I was going the wrong way. He got out cursing and screaming and punched a dent in my hood. FML

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By T. - 30/9/2010 14:07 - Australia

Today, after a promotion at work, my new manager made me reset my password for a website we use. To do so, I had to answer the secret question I’d set two years prior. The question was "What is your favorite activity?" The answer I had to type out in front of my manager was "Drinking." FML

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By shadow1248 - 27/5/2012 05:06 - United States - Stamford

Today, I had finally gotten my dogs to quiet down and my baby to fall asleep. Not thirty seconds later, my neighbor's car alarm went off. They aren't home for the weekend, and the damn alarm has now been blaring for three hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2019 16:00

Today, I was in a bathroom stall and someone had left their dirty tampon rolled up in toilet paper on the top of the paper dispenser. I felt obligated to dispose of it, so the next person didn't think I left it, because there was a line for the stalls. Fuck you, asshole. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2012 19:44 - United States - Fresno

Today, I walked into my house with my friend, only to discover my husband half-naked and yelling at the TV screen over a soccer game. By half-naked, I mean he was only wearing a shirt. FML

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By _SouthernClass_ - 29/8/2019 12:00 - United States

Today, my youngest child gave me the cold she had. I also started my period yesterday. Now I can’t stop coughing, and I feel like a human ketchup packet. FML

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By Duplighost - 12/1/2012 20:16 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's Marine dad walked in on us fooling around naked. Now we can only hang out with "parental supervision". Oh, and I have to record my visits on a clipboard by the door. FML

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By kdubz23 - 17/2/2014 22:41 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, the parent of a student called to ask me about a homework assignment. At the end of the call, she told me that I seem to be losing my "Asian accent" from when she first talked to me in the summer. I was born in the US, grew up in NJ and speak perfect English. FML

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By fuckyou - 21/5/2019 06:00

Today, my girlfriend took me to see my favorite band live. Afterwards, we were lucky enough to run into the lead guitarist, who promptly asked her if she'd like to go back to his hotel room. She accepted. FML

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By sadinthesack - 31/8/2009 18:56 - United States

Today, I was making love to my girlfriend and was pretty impressed with myself for lasting through multiple songs. Then I realized her ipod was playing a medley. I only lasted 3 1/2 minutes. FML

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By TimJack18 - 4/1/2015 23:14 - United States - Whiteville

Today, in an attempt to be romantic, I kissed my husband as passionately as I could. After, he looked at me and said, "You taste like Chinese food." FML

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By Cherrish it - 4/9/2012 04:24 - United States - Carmichael

Today, a girl told me she stopped eating cherries ever since her father choked on one when she was a kid. She later mentioned that she doesn't like to drive. I sarcastically asked, "Did your dad choke on a car too?" Nope, her two brothers died in a car accident. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2019 14:33

Today, I had to go to the dentist to get 11 cavities filled. I took a wrong turn and ended up being 10 minutes late. My dentist told I had to reschedule because of his "10 minute policy." I have to wait 14 days now to get my cavities filled. FML

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By Binkplugged - 5/7/2016 18:01

Today, I woke up to my husband chuckling. When I asked him what was so funny. He told me that during the night I attempted to shove one of the kids' pacifiers in his mouth. I don't remember this, at all. He thinks it's hysterical. I'm not sure what to think. FML

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By I am not amused! - 3/11/2013 22:53 - United Kingdom - Andover

Today, I had the pleasure of driving in central London for the first time, to recover my drunk husband from his own brilliance, puking on the feet of Winston Churchill's statue in Parliament Square. At 4 am. FML

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By France Howell - 10/5/2018 15:00

Today, I rushed my wife to the ER because she was having abdominal pains. She was crying in the car and very faintly said, "If I die, our daughter goes to my sister and they get everything in my will." We later found out she was just having a bad gas problem. FML

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By jaci - 24/7/2016 15:27 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I went downstairs to get a drink and overheard my grandparents talking about me. They spent a good 15 minutes double-team attacking me for my failings as a human being, mainly me not being married with children yet. I'm barely 20. FML

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By Jess49 - 3/12/2011 02:06 - United States

Today, after telling my boyfriend I was willing to try just about anything to revive our sex life, he confessed to having a swirly fetish. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2011 20:27 - United States

Today, while playing with a lighter, I jokingly told my boyfriend I would burn his mustache off. He responded by telling me he would burn off mine. FML

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Top comments

By YourEvilHero | 12

#3958312 - Saturday 28 January 2012 22:44

let it hatch it's the right thing to do

By liveyourlife_191 | 8

#3958329 - Saturday 28 January 2012 22:46

Either you have a really bad posture, or your head was down near the faucet?... I can't think of any reasonable explanation to how this is possible...But then again I've heard of many injuries caused by sneezing. FYL

COMMENTS

By YourEvilHero | 12

#3958312 - Saturday 28 January 2012 22:44

let it hatch it's the right thing to do

Naomimi_fml | 6

#3958368 - Saturday 28 January 2012 22:50

I sense an abortion debate

cruxx | 0

#3958392 - Saturday 28 January 2012 22:51

Breakfast!

sr101998 | 0

#3958472 - Saturday 28 January 2012 23:01

Only if I get toast with it

silentbutfunny | 0

#3958556 - Saturday 28 January 2012 23:16

Me gusta eggs

PYLrulz | 17

#3958692 - Saturday 28 January 2012 23:43

Throw in some bacon too!

lindseykcool | 6

#3958720 - Saturday 28 January 2012 23:50

I'm so sorry, but is it wrong of me to find this one of the funniest FMLs I've read? Take care of it and let it hatch. :)

zombiegold | 23

#3958723 - Saturday 28 January 2012 23:51

Huevos es muy bueno.

Jonkbaby | 19

#3958997 - Sunday 29 January 2012 1:32

in soviet russia hands wash you

herrobear | 0

#3959984 - Sunday 29 January 2012 5:19

Oh. You're one of those people who lacks self control when they sneeze...

DayAndNite | 8

#3960267 - Sunday 29 January 2012 6:51

Hands wash you in America too. How do you think you are able to clean your body?

maxwells_hammer | 5

#3960363 - Sunday 29 January 2012 7:34

With soap hopefully

By liveyourlife_191 | 8

#3958329 - Saturday 28 January 2012 22:46

Ali_Br_fml | 33

#3958346 - Saturday 28 January 2012 22:48

Or OP could just be a little person. They wash their hands too!!!

cruxx | 0

#3958370 - Saturday 28 January 2012 22:50

Op could also be tall, and have to bend over the sink to wash their hands

IndigoArkanian | 4

#3958467 - Saturday 28 January 2012 23:01

Apparently it was such a violent, explosive sneeze that OP doubled over and hit their head. Nbd I do that sometimes too...

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#3958620 - Saturday 28 January 2012 23:28

On a side note; I got moderated for apparently questioning the authenticity of an FML. Where's the consistency FML staff??!!

Keebz_02 | 0

#3959524 - Sunday 29 January 2012 2:47

My wife has done it as well. Its the funniest thing ever to witness.

By Red_Wing_Nut44 | 14

#3958336 - Saturday 28 January 2012 22:47

Ok don't panic. Unless you do want to panic because that's what most people would do when they find out they have brain damage.

ShroomsOnAcid | 16

#3958588 - Saturday 28 January 2012 23:21

I wish my brain damage could talk.

sparkman97 | 7

#3958604 - Saturday 28 January 2012 23:26

Brain damage, ever since the day i was born
Drugs what they used to say i was on
They said i never knew which way i was goin
But everywhere i go they keep playing my so-ACHOOOO!

Commander223 | 9

#3959087 - Sunday 29 January 2012 2:13

You beat to it, Sparkman!

By jackrileymac | 4

#3958337 - Saturday 28 January 2012 22:47

You must have 47 chromosomes

OhHushDear | 11

#3958390 - Saturday 28 January 2012 22:51

That is horribly rude! People who actually have that disorder can't help it.

OhHushDear | 11

#3958736 - Saturday 28 January 2012 23:54

I don't think I like you -__-

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#3958755 - Sunday 29 January 2012 0:01

What did he say?

By cruxx | 0

#3958339 - Saturday 28 January 2012 22:47

Life starts at conception

Red_Wing_Nut44 | 14

#3958358 - Saturday 28 January 2012 22:49

I agree with you, but what does this have to do with the FML?

By idontknowyou123 | 0

#3958341 - Saturday 28 January 2012 22:47

Don't let it hatch! Crack it open and make an omlet!

PedoPancakes | 7

#3961337 - Sunday 29 January 2012 14:31

Haha your comment is BOSS. :D

By IKickPuppiesHard | 16

#3958348 - Saturday 28 January 2012 22:48

Atleast you didn't stab yourself in the head with a fork this time.

By mama2b3 | 20

#3958373 - Saturday 28 January 2012 22:50

Um just based on the things you said in this fml I think you should probably go to a hospital op. NOW.

Michael_92 | 20

#3959594 - Sunday 29 January 2012 3:11

However DON'T DRIVE!!!

silentbutfunny | 0

#3960284 - Sunday 29 January 2012 6:57

13 never got a goose egg before? I got one after falling on my bike... And falling down the stairs... And running into a tree.... And slipping on ice... And tripping into a hooker... (ok the first one was real)

By Enslaved | 36

#3958377 - Saturday 28 January 2012 22:50

You wash your hands strange. Why is your face so close to the faucet?

thisisafunnyname | 12

#3960310 - Sunday 29 January 2012 7:07

To see it better. Or cause the faucet smells good.

By danileah | 0

#3958385 - Saturday 28 January 2012 22:51

or op could have leaned in and when op sneezed hit their head. ive done it pleanty of times.