Health: Today, while I was washing my hands, I sneezed so hard that I...

By Anonymous - 28/01/2012 17:09 - United States

Today, while I was washing my hands, I sneezed so hard that I smacked my head against the faucet. I now have a lump the size of a goose egg on my head. I'm not sure if it's going to hatch, or if that's just the brain damage talking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 634

You deserved it 3 708

Health

Another great day to be alive

Our house, in the middle of our street

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

By Anonymous - 24/08/2009 23:49 - Canada

Today, I got a new cell phone. I was texting pictures from my old phone to my new one, including several dirty ones, when I noticed I wasn't receiving any of them on the new phone. I was texting the wrong number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 997

You deserved it 59 822

By Anonymous - 28/08/2013 16:11 - United States - Spokane

Today, I went down on my boyfriend, and tried out a new trick I learned. I read in a magazine that if you hum while giving oral, it's supposed to feel good. My boyfriend started laughing and told me to stop after 30 seconds because I reminded him of his singing toothbrush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 613

You deserved it 10 393

Hi Zach!

By Breezie - 14/10/2019 20:00 - United States

Today, at work, a customer commented that I look like Zach Galifianakis. I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 450

You deserved it 150

By Mouse - 17/10/2012 23:15

Today, my college class was talking about Felix Baumgartner, who jumped from the edge of space down to earth. A boy suddenly put his head up and said in a serious tone, "I thought he jumped from the moon?" Several girls concurred. This is my generation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 466

You deserved it 2 363

By Anonymous - 30/11/2010 03:08 - United States

Today, I won employee of the month. I was then fired for being late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 738

You deserved it 6 977

By bunny - 16/08/2009 13:58 - United States

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend humping my stuffed rabbit. I thought he was trying to be funny until I saw that he had an erection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 190

You deserved it 4 982

Awkwaaaaard

By notwhatithought - 21/08/2015 19:43 - Germany - Erlangen

Today, the professor I've had a crush on informed me that there's only one way left I could still pass his course. Thinking this was an attempt to flirt with me, I told him I'd do anything he could imagine. He then looked confused when he asked me to write an essay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 220

You deserved it 33 525

By Anonymous - 08/06/2019 00:02

Today, I got dressed, did my hair, carefully applied my makeup, sprayed myself with perfume, grabbed my bag and put on my coat. I got to the door, and then realised that I had nowhere to go, nothing to do and none of my friends were answering my calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 419

You deserved it 493

By rachiej8 - 10/06/2012 04:13 - United States - Fairlee

Today, my boyfriend and I tried to have sex for the first time. Everything was going well, until he tried to put it in. A few minutes later, he said "It's not hard enough." We tried for another half hour to fix that. We ended up eating ice cream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 729

You deserved it 5 470

By traveling - 09/07/2013 11:18

Today, I arrived in Germany for a summer-long stay. The family I'm supposed to stay with had said they spoke fluent English. They don't. I don't speak German. It's going to be a quiet two months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 913

You deserved it 6 394

By wrongcar - 03/11/2009 18:00 - United States

Today, I was pulled over and was given a $300 ticket for going 90mph on a 70mph highway. The cop swore he saw my silver car darting in and out of traffic. A couple of minutes earlier that exact car had passed me while I was following the speed limit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 221

You deserved it 2 507

Wash your veggies

By Anonymous - 12/01/2022 19:59 - Germany

Today, I was teaching a girl from the neighborhood how to cook, telling her to start by washing the veggies. She said, "Oh, because you’re vegan, right?" No dear, because they’re dirty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 863

You deserved it 93

By Anonymous - 09/09/2013 23:58 - United States - Elmhurst

Today, I went to a suicide prevention walk with a girl I like. Before the walk, we bought balloons to set free when they called the names of the deceased. To buy a balloon, you had to write a name on a sheet. Apparently, you weren't supposed to write your own. They called my name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 356

You deserved it 13 778

By dirtyclothess - 02/05/2011 00:01

Today, my mom informed me that she doesn't wash my clothes anymore. Instead, she sprays them with Febreze to "save money". FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 876

You deserved it 8 136

By Anonymous - 01/07/2017 06:00 - United States - New Hyde Park

Today, I was driving when a woman started crossing the street against the light at the upcoming intersection, so I slammed on the brakes and stopped short of hitting her. That's when she intentionally jumped onto my car and started screaming that I had "mowed her down". The cops believed her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 147

You deserved it 292

Mood: broken

By talkingtoaretard - 25/01/2012 05:00 - United States

Today, I was talking dirty with someone on the phone, when at one point I said, "Oh yeah, you like that?" She responded, "I can't actually feel anything you know, we're just on the phone." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 962

You deserved it 35 873

By kelly - 21/03/2011 07:07 - Estonia

Today, I called my mom to tell her that I'm coming over for a visit. She answered: 'Why? What do you need? Food? Money? I'm not going to help you! You're a grown woman!' And she hung up. I just found out that I'm pregnant and she was the first person I wanted to share it with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 194

You deserved it 4 762

By Ms.rain - 07/12/2018 12:30

Today my boyfriend went through my phone while I was in the bathroom to check if I was cheating...... I wasn't. He was looking for some leverage so when he told me he's been fucking my bestfriend for the last year, he could use something against me... FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 247

You deserved it 234

By nakedness - 11/12/2011 01:35 - Australia

Today, I was getting dressed in my bedroom with the blinds open and had nothing covering my top half. I thought my neighbours wouldn't be able to see in through all the trees, that was until I heard someone wolf whistle and one of my neighbours running away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 438

You deserved it 32 088

By Yo Mr. White! ... BETCH! - 23/10/2012 22:47 - United States - Imperial Beach

Today, I realized I'm so desperate for money that I started to watch Breaking Bad to learn how to make meth. I stopped, not because I decided it was a bad idea, but because it looks too hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 078

You deserved it 29 457

By 911 - 13/11/2008 03:57 - France

Today, my boss sneezed onto his hands and then licked them in front of my best customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 169

You deserved it 2 312

Timewaster

By HMM - 28/07/2010 11:42 - United States

Today, I received a call while at the dispatch station for the Naval hospital I work at. It was a woman having a panic attack. Apparently, she couldn't plug her vacuum in, and was more or less freaking out. I had to take her in anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 963

You deserved it 2 987

By prettybich - 15/05/2010 18:01 - United States

Today, I am severely hungover. Upon returning home, I came to find that both of the elevators were out of order. I live on the 12th floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 182

You deserved it 36 351

Great customer service, thanks!

By Eli Maldonado - 29/05/2021 17:01

Today, I called customer service for my phone. We talked for a while and the man was very nice to me. Too nice. Right before hanging up, he said, “Have a good day ma’am!” He was flirting the whole time and I didn’t realize it, and he didn’t that I’m a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 808

You deserved it 132

Unionize!

By Anonymous - 03/11/2021 02:00

Today, despite over 100 colleagues agreeing to attend a protest over our working conditions, no one turned up because they were too afraid of losing their jobs. Since I was alone, I was sacked on the spot and physically thrown out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 173

You deserved it 197

By musamalia - 06/01/2009 11:58 - France

Today, a very pretty girl came up to me and asked me for my phone number. Very pleased, I give it to her with a huge smile and tell her that I can be reached at any time. I then watch her go back to her group of friends. My number was for her gay friend, who then meekly waved at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 916

You deserved it 3 443

Crisis

By Anonymous - 29/07/2020 23:00

Today, I had a customer throw his purchase at me and demand a refund after I told him that, due to the national change shortage, I couldn't give him his 38 cents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 324

You deserved it 316

By Anonymous - 18/05/2011 04:38 - Australia

Today, I went to the doctor for a sore throat. The doctor wasn't wearing any shoes. He said that he doesn't believe in pharmaceuticals and that it's 'all about vitamins', and he gave me a flyer for a vitamin mail order company. Then he showed me photos of his holidays. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 710

You deserved it 4 345

By WhyGod - 10/12/2016 15:21

Today, I got a diaper rash from a pad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 671

You deserved it 1 041

By Mimo - 23/06/2016 10:18 - Egypt

Today, my best friend told me she's been in love with me for over 4 years. I'm getting married to the man of my dreams in a month and she's supposed to be my bridesmaid. "Awkward" doesn't even begin to describe our friendship right now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 554

You deserved it 2 020

By ohhhjaymo13 - 05/02/2011 05:58 - United States

Today, at work, I was told I was a failure. Feeling like crap, I went to my best friend to see if he could make me laugh. He told me that he felt obligated to hang out with me, so he thought that we shouldn't anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 612

You deserved it 3 352

By Anonymous - 06/03/2015 01:34 - United States - Ridge

Today, my wife complained that the coffee grounds I swept into the sink grossed her out. Yesterday, I removed several panty-liners from her soiled underwear before doing the laundry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 076

You deserved it 2 988

By Mervin22 - 29/01/2011 04:10 - Australia

Today, I broke my arm. When I got home from the doctors with my cast, I fell asleep on the couch from the medicine. When I woke up, there were swastikas, "I love the KKK", and multiple penises written all over my cast. My dad thought it would be funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 261

You deserved it 4 419

By Juanald - 05/11/2017 05:00

Today, after being moved to three different employer-provided apartments because they all had mold and electrical problems, I requested a bigger bed. The bed they delivered had bedbugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 593

You deserved it 362

By ihatemyjob - 15/08/2016 19:12

Today, I worked from 8 to 7 without a break and I'm still not done with my assignment. Meanwhile, my co-worker crafted a piece of paper looking like a watermelon slice and posted a picture of herself seemingly taking a bite out of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 537

You deserved it 1 016

By Anonymous - 05/06/2009 04:28 - United States

Today, I took a nap with a kitten I just adopted from my mom's house. To make her feel more comfortable, I took a nap with her on my bed. In my dream, I kept smelling poo and I felt around on the bed to find the kitten. She apparently had diarrhea on my bed and I had stuck my hand in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 120

You deserved it 8 261

By Kyle - 03/12/2013 06:09 - United States - Seattle

Today, I set up a motion-activated sprinkler to drench the neighborhood kids who have been ding dong ditching me for years. Because they cannot get close enough to ring the doorbell, they decided to start egging me instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 252

You deserved it 6 937

By Anonymous - 29/12/2015 14:15

Today, I found out my wife has been taking "love thy neighbour" very literally with the bloke next door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 387

You deserved it 1 514

By ghostyyy - 24/07/2010 23:21 - France

Today, my sister was on television. It would have been great if she weren't being handcuffed for burglary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 905

You deserved it 3 279

By BadLuckCarson - 12/02/2013 05:55 - United States - Muscatine

Today, I had my girlfriend over for dinner with my family. My father had dressed up as a girl for a recent gig of his at a local pub. This got somehow brought up at the table. The rest of the dinner conversation consisted of him and my girlfriend discussing bras and lingerie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 735

You deserved it 3 708

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Top comments

YourEvilHero 12

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Saturday 28 January 2012 22:44

let it hatch it's the right thing to do

liveyourlife_191 8

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Saturday 28 January 2012 22:46

Either you have a really bad posture, or your head was down near the faucet?... I can't think of any reasonable explanation to how this is possible...But then again I've heard of many injuries caused by sneezing. FYL

YourEvilHero 12

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Saturday 28 January 2012 22:44

let it hatch it's the right thing to do

Naomimi_fml 6

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Saturday 28 January 2012 22:50

I sense an abortion debate

cruxx 0

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Saturday 28 January 2012 22:51

Breakfast!

sr101998 0

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Saturday 28 January 2012 23:01

Only if I get toast with it

silentbutfunny 0

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Saturday 28 January 2012 23:16

Me gusta eggs

PYLrulz 17

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Saturday 28 January 2012 23:43

Throw in some bacon too!

lindseykcool 6

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Saturday 28 January 2012 23:50

I'm so sorry, but is it wrong of me to find this one of the funniest FMLs I've read? Take care of it and let it hatch. :)

zombiegold 23

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Saturday 28 January 2012 23:51

Huevos es muy bueno.

Jonkbaby 22

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Sunday 29 January 2012 1:32

in soviet russia hands wash you

herrobear 0

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Sunday 29 January 2012 5:19

Oh. You're one of those people who lacks self control when they sneeze...

DayAndNite 8

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Sunday 29 January 2012 6:51

Hands wash you in America too. How do you think you are able to clean your body?

maxwells_hammer 5

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Sunday 29 January 2012 7:34

With soap hopefully

liveyourlife_191 8

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Saturday 28 January 2012 22:46

Ali_Br_fml 33

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Saturday 28 January 2012 22:48

Or OP could just be a little person. They wash their hands too!!!

cruxx 0

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Saturday 28 January 2012 22:50

Op could also be tall, and have to bend over the sink to wash their hands

IndigoArkanian 4

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Saturday 28 January 2012 23:01

Apparently it was such a violent, explosive sneeze that OP doubled over and hit their head. Nbd I do that sometimes too...

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Saturday 28 January 2012 23:28

On a side note; I got moderated for apparently questioning the authenticity of an FML. Where's the consistency FML staff??!!

Keebz_02 0

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Sunday 29 January 2012 2:47

My wife has done it as well. Its the funniest thing ever to witness.

Red_Wing_Nut44 14

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Saturday 28 January 2012 22:47

Ok don't panic. Unless you do want to panic because that's what most people would do when they find out they have brain damage.

ShroomsOnAcid 16

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Saturday 28 January 2012 23:21

I wish my brain damage could talk.

sparkman97 7

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Saturday 28 January 2012 23:26

Brain damage, ever since the day i was born Drugs what they used to say i was on They said i never knew which way i was goin But everywhere i go they keep playing my so-ACHOOOO!

Commander223 9

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Sunday 29 January 2012 2:13

You beat to it, Sparkman!

jackrileymac 4

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Saturday 28 January 2012 22:47

You must have 47 chromosomes

OhHushDear 11

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Saturday 28 January 2012 22:51

That is horribly rude! People who actually have that disorder can't help it.

OhHushDear 11

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Saturday 28 January 2012 23:54

I don't think I like you -__-

THE_A_TEEN 27

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Sunday 29 January 2012 0:01

What did he say?

cruxx 0

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Saturday 28 January 2012 22:47

Life starts at conception

Red_Wing_Nut44 14

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Saturday 28 January 2012 22:49

I agree with you, but what does this have to do with the FML?

idontknowyou123 0

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Saturday 28 January 2012 22:47

Don't let it hatch! Crack it open and make an omlet!

PedoPancakes 7

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Sunday 29 January 2012 14:31

Haha your comment is BOSS. :D

IKickPuppiesHard 16

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Saturday 28 January 2012 22:48

Atleast you didn't stab yourself in the head with a fork this time.

mama2b3 20

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Saturday 28 January 2012 22:50

Um just based on the things you said in this fml I think you should probably go to a hospital op. NOW.

Michael_92 20

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Sunday 29 January 2012 3:11

However DON'T DRIVE!!!

silentbutfunny 0

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Sunday 29 January 2012 6:57

13 never got a goose egg before? I got one after falling on my bike... And falling down the stairs... And running into a tree.... And slipping on ice... And tripping into a hooker... (ok the first one was real)