Health: Today, while I was washing my hands, I sneezed so hard that I...

By Anonymous - 28/01/2012 17:09 - United States

Today, while I was washing my hands, I sneezed so hard that I smacked my head against the faucet. I now have a lump the size of a goose egg on my head. I'm not sure if it's going to hatch, or if that's just the brain damage talking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 632

You deserved it 3 706

Health

Vulture

Walk the line

The smell detective is on the case

He deserved it. Snapping ain't cool unless you're a turtle.

By accidentalsmartass - 06/03/2017 22:00 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I learned that I may have caused a public speaker and author to be fired, because my response to his "open chat" question flustered him, causing him to lose his cool and snap at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 228

You deserved it 701

Lonely, so lonely

By Gina Marie Lombardi - 31/07/2021 11:01

Today, I realized how lonely I am when someone called my number by mistake and I talked with them for 5 minutes. I don’t know who she was, but I'm so lonely I was happy to have someone engage in a conversation, even if it was about her calling the wrong number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 749

You deserved it 83

By Anonymous - 21/01/2013 17:04 - United States

Today, while video chatting with my girlfriend, who lives on the other side of the country, I thought I'd play a song for her on my guitar. The string broke and hit me in the face. I burst into tears and had to hang up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 795

You deserved it 8 292

By TJ - 08/08/2012 11:23 - United States - Lacey

Today, while doing my job as a cart clerk, a gentleman went around the parking lot and picked some trash up, trying to help out. Faith in humanity: +1. About an hour later I saw a woman pick a bug off of her windshield and eat it. Faith in humanity: -200. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 427

You deserved it 2 807

By Anonymous - 13/11/2010 06:24 - United States

Today, I tripped on a step that said "Watch your step." Two hours later, I hit my head on a sign that said "Mind your head." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 474

You deserved it 14 660

By Radbaby - 12/10/2018 03:00

Today, I asked a guy to change into a gown for an X-ray exam. I asked him to leave his underwear on, everything else off. Apparently he was going commando, as he left skid marks on my table when the exam was over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 013

You deserved it 153

By leftbehind - 10/06/2011 11:40 - Colombia

Today, I was the only passenger on a completely booked flight to have all their luggage left behind in another country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 804

You deserved it 3 248

By Anonymous - 30/08/2010 23:25 - United States

Today, I finally worked up the courage to play my friends the demo CD that I've spent all summer recording. I didn't tell them it was me. Not even 10 seconds into the first song, my best friend asked me to turn it off because it sucked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 522

You deserved it 6 634

By Anonymous - 05/10/2014 16:02 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, the guy I really like acknowledged my existence for the first time. Too bad it was through a text saying "lol ur a fat fukc". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 192

You deserved it 4 314

By 2ndgenoration - 17/05/2014 21:56 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, my grandmother told me that since my dad was a mistake, I too am a mistake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 531

You deserved it 4 188

A new enemy

By Anonymous - 01/03/2021 02:01 - United States - Great Mills

Today, my cat jumped into my lap and sat on my headphone cord. I tried to get it out from under her by pulling on it. Big mistake. My cat is now eyeing the cord and will attack it if I move it again. I have expensive headphones and the cord is not interchangeable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 651

You deserved it 385

By Anonymous - 09/09/2013 23:58 - United States - Elmhurst

Today, I went to a suicide prevention walk with a girl I like. Before the walk, we bought balloons to set free when they called the names of the deceased. To buy a balloon, you had to write a name on a sheet. Apparently, you weren't supposed to write your own. They called my name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 353

You deserved it 13 777

By keep_your_eyes_on_the_sidewalk - 25/06/2018 15:00

Today, a girl with her eyes glued to her phone bumped my arm going in the opposite direction on the sidewalk. She dropped her phone, chased me to the bus stop, and told everyone that I broke it. She threatened to call the police. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 094

You deserved it 209

By Chicagoillinois - 03/01/2015 21:16 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my step-dad explained to me why he doesn't need to wash his body. He condescendingly said, "Well when you shampoo your hair, the soap runs down your body and cleans everything." He's 37 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 698

You deserved it 2 909

Where am I?

By sam - 15/05/2021 00:01

Today, same as always, I still have to take a moment to distinguish between right and left. I’m 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks 613

You deserved it 279

By Anonymous - 26/02/2010 11:11 - Norway

Today, I bought Plan B for the first time. Not because I had unprotected sex, but to make the cashier think someone would actually sleep with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 771

You deserved it 43 036

By longest minute - 25/05/2016 11:28 - United States - Cypress

Today, I was peeing in a public bathroom when a guy walked in and passed by 4 open urinals to use the one next to mine. After feeling his gaze for a second, I confronted him with my own, in hopes he would stop. Instead, I stared into a stranger's eyes until I finished peeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 652

You deserved it 2 643

By creys - 18/11/2012 07:04 - United States

Today, I went to Target with my dad, and he told me to get in the shopping cart. I thought he was being cool and wanted to push me around. He snorted and said he was thinking about crashing me into a car and suing the driver. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 155

You deserved it 2 502

By rmb131 - 20/03/2009 04:33 - Canada

Today, I went to the dentist. He asked me to lean my head closer to him so he could get a better look at my teeth. He was hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 109 773

You deserved it 6 351

By fartypants - 18/06/2015 22:53 - United States - Winter Park

Today, as I finished my piano recital and took a bow, I farted into the microphone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 034

You deserved it 4 394

By Anonymous - 29/03/2014 03:02 - Canada - Rosthern

Today, while at work, I went to unlock the washroom for a customer. Normally we don't allow customers to use the staff washrooms, so I was as surprised as the guy I found sitting on the toilet when I opened the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 156

You deserved it 4 134

By Amy - 19/05/2010 20:19 - France

Today, I discovered my boyfriend has a thing for pregnant women. I'm not pregnant though, my roommate is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 127

You deserved it 3 548

By Anon - 30/04/2014 02:07 - United States - Maidens

Today, after getting home from finals and finishing the semester, I had a very heartfelt reunion with my dog during which he licked me all over the face. About an hour later, my dad told me, "By the way, don't let him lick you, he has hookworms." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 818

You deserved it 5 009

I can't eat these

By brokedude - 13/03/2021 20:01 - United States

Today, I got my birthday present from my dad. Instead of buying me things I told him I needed, he bought me collectible coins. I’m already stretched thin on my budget, and very stressed out. Looks like I’m living off Ramen and Oatmeal for the next 2 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 918

You deserved it 156

His house, his asshole

By Anonymous - 11/06/2021 14:01

Today, my dad is an asshole. My brother gets to bring home and shag as many girls as he wants, yet when I told my dad I was inviting my study group to our house, 3 girls and 1 boy I’m not romantically interested in, he removed my bedroom door, just in case. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 152

You deserved it 85

By Anonymous - 27/11/2012 21:04 - Sweden - ?rsta

Today, I was watching a video from the 80s on sexual dysfunctions, and I noticed that one of the boys in the film looked strangely like my dad when he was younger. After a little investigation, I now know that in his youth, my dad had a crippling masturbation problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 430

You deserved it 4 142

By bigblue51 - 22/05/2009 12:09 - United States

Today, while interviewing for a job I had to read over the physical requirements for the job. Later on she asked me how flexible I was. Trying to keep a straight face, I told her I was more flexible while I was playing sports but could work on it if I need to. She was talking about work hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 417

You deserved it 48 029

By Anonymous - 12/08/2011 10:40 - Australia

Today, I was using a public urinal when a man came up to use the one next to me. As he approached, he said, "Friendly spy plane inbound" and pretended to look at my knob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 081

You deserved it 2 953

By THOMASisMYname - 06/07/2011 17:06 - Canada

Today, I went out drinking with my friends. Being safe as we were a little intoxicated, we took a taxi back. The cab driver was also drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 785

You deserved it 4 603

By Anonymous - 30/04/2009 23:08 - United States

Today, a girl called me asking for one of her friends. She wouldn't believe me when I told her she had the wrong number, and I spent a few minutes convincing her she did. After a while she said "what the fuck" and hung up. That was the longest conversation I had with a girl in months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 389

You deserved it 9 020

By fmylife7721 - 03/07/2011 05:51 - Canada

Today, I jokingly told my girlfriend that sperm kills acne, she laughed and said "so that's how you got rid of yours so fast" then continued to text all her friends and tell them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 818

You deserved it 47 667

By youonlyneed2squares - 24/09/2014 04:10

Today, as I was lying in my bed eating my dinner, my roommate says to me: "I don't know how to say this, but we need more towels. The room is flooding." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 085

You deserved it 2 893

By not a boy toy - 31/03/2017 22:00

Today, I attended the will reading of the old lady who accidentally ran me over with her car years ago. I was affectionately mentioned and was left with something rather substantial. I had to listen through all that while getting evil leers and silently judged by family members who got squat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 486

You deserved it 703

By Christmasloverandstuff - 25/12/2012 17:45 - United States

Today, my extended family came over for Christmas. I forgot to get a present for my extremely sensitive aunt. I took a gift from my re-gift pile and wrapped it quickly. Little did I remember that it was the same gift she gave me last year. She noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 872

You deserved it 42 390

By sh33zy - 03/02/2009 20:27 - United States

Today, the only girl I'm friends with deleted my comment off of her profile because she was too embarrassed that people would see we were friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 332

You deserved it 3 482

By Anonymous - 14/10/2015 13:21 - United States - Smithville

Today, I went to my cousin's house. I left my bag on the couch as my aunt instructed, only for my cousin to take it and throw it into the swimming pool. My laptop, textbooks and notes were soaked. My exam is in a week, and my aunt won't punish her perfect little angel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 246

You deserved it 1 791

Right in the kisser

By Anonymous - 08/03/2020 20:17

Today, I was in sociology class and I raised my hand to ask a question, not realizing that the professor was right behind me. I smacked him right in the face, no doubt reducing my chances of a good grade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 346

You deserved it 200

By shitttyyyday - 14/01/2012 07:47 - United States

Today, I got my period at school. I didn't notice until a boy asked me if I'd killed someone in my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 759

You deserved it 4 359

By Anonymous - 05/06/2017 22:00

Today, I woke up early to weird scratching and smacking noises. After gathering enough courage to check what it was, I found out it was just an ant stuck on a piece of paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 163

You deserved it 320

By gold3nshow3r - 09/03/2017 20:00 - United States - Roanoke

Today, I woke up to a strange wetness covering my body. My drunk roommate's urine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 509

You deserved it 420

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Top comments

YourEvilHero 12

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Saturday 28 January 2012 22:44

let it hatch it's the right thing to do

liveyourlife_191 8

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Saturday 28 January 2012 22:46

Either you have a really bad posture, or your head was down near the faucet?... I can't think of any reasonable explanation to how this is possible...But then again I've heard of many injuries caused by sneezing. FYL

YourEvilHero 12

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Saturday 28 January 2012 22:44

let it hatch it's the right thing to do

Naomimi_fml 6

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Saturday 28 January 2012 22:50

I sense an abortion debate

cruxx 0

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Saturday 28 January 2012 22:51

Breakfast!

sr101998 0

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Saturday 28 January 2012 23:01

Only if I get toast with it

silentbutfunny 0

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Saturday 28 January 2012 23:16

Me gusta eggs

PYLrulz 17

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Saturday 28 January 2012 23:43

Throw in some bacon too!

lindseykcool 6

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Saturday 28 January 2012 23:50

I'm so sorry, but is it wrong of me to find this one of the funniest FMLs I've read? Take care of it and let it hatch. :)

zombiegold 23

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Saturday 28 January 2012 23:51

Huevos es muy bueno.

Jonkbaby 21

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Sunday 29 January 2012 1:32

in soviet russia hands wash you

herrobear 0

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Sunday 29 January 2012 5:19

Oh. You're one of those people who lacks self control when they sneeze...

DayAndNite 8

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Sunday 29 January 2012 6:51

Hands wash you in America too. How do you think you are able to clean your body?

maxwells_hammer 5

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Sunday 29 January 2012 7:34

With soap hopefully

liveyourlife_191 8

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Saturday 28 January 2012 22:46

Ali_Br_fml 33

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Saturday 28 January 2012 22:48

Or OP could just be a little person. They wash their hands too!!!

cruxx 0

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Saturday 28 January 2012 22:50

Op could also be tall, and have to bend over the sink to wash their hands

IndigoArkanian 4

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Saturday 28 January 2012 23:01

Apparently it was such a violent, explosive sneeze that OP doubled over and hit their head. Nbd I do that sometimes too...

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Saturday 28 January 2012 23:28

On a side note; I got moderated for apparently questioning the authenticity of an FML. Where's the consistency FML staff??!!

Keebz_02 0

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Sunday 29 January 2012 2:47

My wife has done it as well. Its the funniest thing ever to witness.

Red_Wing_Nut44 14

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Saturday 28 January 2012 22:47

Ok don't panic. Unless you do want to panic because that's what most people would do when they find out they have brain damage.

ShroomsOnAcid 16

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Saturday 28 January 2012 23:21

I wish my brain damage could talk.

sparkman97 7

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Saturday 28 January 2012 23:26

Brain damage, ever since the day i was born Drugs what they used to say i was on They said i never knew which way i was goin But everywhere i go they keep playing my so-ACHOOOO!

Commander223 9

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Sunday 29 January 2012 2:13

You beat to it, Sparkman!

jackrileymac 4

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Saturday 28 January 2012 22:47

You must have 47 chromosomes

OhHushDear 11

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Saturday 28 January 2012 22:51

That is horribly rude! People who actually have that disorder can't help it.

OhHushDear 11

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Saturday 28 January 2012 23:54

I don't think I like you -__-

THE_A_TEEN 27

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Sunday 29 January 2012 0:01

What did he say?

cruxx 0

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Saturday 28 January 2012 22:47

Life starts at conception

Red_Wing_Nut44 14

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Saturday 28 January 2012 22:49

I agree with you, but what does this have to do with the FML?

idontknowyou123 0

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Saturday 28 January 2012 22:47

Don't let it hatch! Crack it open and make an omlet!

PedoPancakes 7

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Sunday 29 January 2012 14:31

Haha your comment is BOSS. :D

IKickPuppiesHard 16

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Saturday 28 January 2012 22:48

Atleast you didn't stab yourself in the head with a fork this time.

mama2b3 20

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Saturday 28 January 2012 22:50

Um just based on the things you said in this fml I think you should probably go to a hospital op. NOW.

Michael_92 20

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Sunday 29 January 2012 3:11

However DON'T DRIVE!!!

silentbutfunny 0

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Sunday 29 January 2012 6:57

13 never got a goose egg before? I got one after falling on my bike... And falling down the stairs... And running into a tree.... And slipping on ice... And tripping into a hooker... (ok the first one was real)